Is One Of My Best Friends A Gainer?

I met one of my best friends a few years ago, at the beginning of my college journey. I was around 160 at the time and he claims to have been around 175. Since this time we have both gained nearly 40 lbs each. There are a lot of things that happened that made me wonder whether my friend is a gainer or if I am just seeing/hearing what I want to see/hear because of my fetish.

I remember the beginning of semester after the first winter break that I decided to let myself go and gain 15 lbs. I was itching to show it off, so after a big fast food run, I mustered up the courage to lift my shirt and give my belly a pat. My buddy was shocked at how far i could stick my belly out, and proceeded to show his off as well. That entire semester, we continued to chat about our bellies but he never seemed as interested in it as he was that first night.

That summer we moved in together and this of course was the perfect opportunity to walk around shirtless in front of him as both our weights continued to increase. On more than one drunken occasion, I convinced him to get shirtless with me and take a pic standing belly to belly to see who was fatter. I also got a scale, and I'd have my fun acting shock as the numbers went up. He always seemed to like to give me shit for gaining weight, and I did the same for him. 

This last summer I didn't see him at all, but when he came back I noticed a significant weight gain. It was pretty difficult to convince him to get on the scale, even drunk, but when he did he ended up weighing 214. He claims he doesn't care about his weight, but whenever we take a normal "non belly comparison" photo lol, he is always sticking his gut out and putting it close to mine. He has done a number of other things too, like randomly show me a music video that featured nothing but a fat shirtless guy dancing and shaking his flab. Sometimes I'll get random texts about how he just ate a ton of taco bell or had pie. He's been known to give his belly a two handed thump and talk about how full he is.

My point of all this is that sometimes I think he could be a possible gainer. I have no sexual interest in him, but I find myself wondering this a lot. How cool would it be to have a buddy to pig out with? Sometimes he seems to almost be taunting me with his weight gain, and other times he seems to have no interest in it whatsoever. Is he just having straight guy fun showing off his gains? Am I reading too much into this? I want to ask him about it, but I don't know how to without 1) freaking him out if he's not into it or 2) make him think I've been checking him out 3) possibly lead him to searching for the gainer community online afterwards to see what i was talking about and end up outing myself

Any suggestions?
- curious buddy

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Dear curious buddy,

Before we talk about suggestions, there are a few things that are unclear to me, that might take things in different directions, depending on your intent.

1)  You state you are hesitating to address the issue with him directly because it might freak him out because he's not "into it," or at least not as "into it" as you are.  With any interests, erotic or otherwise, it's rare individuals will be precisely at the same level of interest at precisely the same time, unless certain "trigger conditions" are present. This is not a gay or straight thing--as a therapist, a couple may not both be ready for sex at the same moment, because one is tired, one is not feeling well, one is too full to move, etc.  Let me explain what psychologists call a "trigger"or an "anchor."  These are sensory stimuli that might be visual, auditory, or kinesthetic (body awareness).  Think of certain memories, emotional responses, or behaviors as being like a "file name" on a computer.  If you know the file name, you can retrieve the data from the file.  

An example of an auditory trigger/anchor would be a long-time couple who have "our song," and whenever they hear "our song," they get emotional.  This is because the song has triggered a specific emotional reaction tied to an earlier memory of becoming a couple.  A kinesthetic trigger I have seen as a therapist is when one member of a couple has been sexually abused at a younger age.  Now in a happy and committed relationship, the formerly abused spouse is held by his/her partner in a way very similar to the way the abuser once held him/her.  Suddenly, in the midst of a lovely moment, the abused jerks away, confused by why he or she feels so frightened, since the beloved partner has done no wrong.

I would suggest the two of you have a number of triggers/anchors that you have established related to "fat" moments.  These might include alcohol consumption, and even very specific foods.  This might be why your friend suddenly texts you--because at that particular moment, with the combination of "fat" anchors---he's slightly drunk, he's eating a lot of tacos, he feels bloated--all of which then makes him think of you.  This also means one of these triggers (say, being drunk) isn't what makes him think of you--it's the combination--which is why he doesn't call you every time he's had a few beers.  Or--there might be a specific trigger--like being very bloated--that makes him think of you, and he'll then call or text you.  This means if the right trigger, or the right combination of triggers aren't present, then he may not be "into" it, just as I suspect the "trigger" of your own work environment doesn't encourage you to lift up your shirt and show off your belly to co-workers.

Related to this is what psychologists call "mirroring" and in the lay community is called "monkey see, monkey do," which seems to be hardwired into the primate mind.  Just so, you can find a number of sites of "college guts" or "drunken frat boys" which will show off hundreds of images of tipsy college age guys lifting up their shirts to compare bloats and bellies.  If you're slightly tipsy (in other words, your inhibitions are lifted) and you're in a room with a lot of your peers who are also tipsy, and one of you pulls up his shirt, sticks out his belly, and laughs, most of the other guys in the room will do the same thing--and we have a Kodiak moment.  It's important to know this sort of behavior may have little if any erotic connection to the ones involved--it's a primate bonding moment that enforces group affiliation.  Understandably, this can be confusing for the minority for whom this becomes a very erotic behavior, not knowing how many (if any) of your peers are also becoming aroused by belly eye candy.

2)  You state you are worried if you speak about this issue directly with him, he might wonder if you are "checking him out."  You indicate you don't find him sexually attractive to you, but apparently you do get some sort of "fat fetish" response, or you wouldn't have written me.  So, on some level, you actually are checking him out, although with a different desired outcome than he might have expected.  The bottom line, I suspect you would enjoy him showing off his bloated belly, gaining even more weight, and sharing gaining moments with you.  There's nothing to be ashamed about with this.  He's one of your best friends, and you undoubtedly enjoy doing many things together--and the "fat" aspect is simply one of them.  Based on your stated history, he also appears to enjoy aspects of "fat," but he may lack the erotic charge you feel.

3)  You are worried if you discuss this directly, you may end up "outing" yourself if he goes on-line to discover gaining sites.  And here's where things go a bit wonky for me.  Do you mean it might out you as a gainer?  Out you as a man interested in men? Based on your letter I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you internally identify as gay or bisexual, but you may not have come out as such to him, or to others.  I'm also going to assume from your comment you consider your friend as straight.  If this is so, is it more uncomfortable for you to have him consider you gay, or for him to consider you a gainer?  Many times gay gainers have talked about how they go through two "coming out" experiences--one when they come out of the closet and one when they come out of the fridge.  And let me emphasize there are certainly straight guys who have an erotic charge connected to gaining, who simply have the one "coming out" experience as they share how they get aroused at gaining and becoming fatter.

When others have asked me what they might do to get a better idea of whether Mr. X is (fill in the blank)--gay, a gainer, into leather--I frequently suggest they use a story.  For example, I might be with Mr. X and while we're having coffee or drinks say, "You know, when I was home on break, I saw one of my old high school friends.  He told me he wanted to tell me he was gay.  Have you ever had that happen to you?"  Stories provide a "protective layer"--so if he has a negative response, you can distance yourself from the story--"Yeah, I didn't know what to do, so I just changed the subject."  Or if Mr. X has a very positive response, you can say, "That's exactly what I told him."  If Mr. X takes this as an opportunity to out himself, then it frees you to do the same to him.  The "story" approach always gives you an "out" (did I mention I love puns?), so no matter what Mr. X's response might be, you're still safe in terms of not having burned any bridges.

Now--having laid that out--what struck me is how it seems as if this is precisely what your friend did with you.  He has "mirrored" specific "fat" behaviors with you--which has included showing off a shirtless belly, stepping on to the scales and announcing weight, or doing two handed belly pats.  What is of interest to me is when you report him doing behavior that is not "mirroring" (i.e., duplicating your own behaviors) but what psychologists call "pacing."  If you've established a good rapport (the word rapport is derived from an old French word for bridge--in other words, you've established a very specific type of connection)---then when you initiate a behavior, the person with whom you've established the rapport will tend to duplicate your actions.  Which is a theory of how "monkey see, monkey do" might operate.  For example, the next time you're out drinking with a close friend, become conscious of when you reach for your drink.  If you're in rapport, you'll both tend to reach for your drinks at the same time.  This usually happens on an unconscious level.  but once you learn how rapport/pacing/mirroring work, you can start to monitor it.  Once you find yourself going into rapport, you can start to "lead" (which is an active form of pacing)--which means you might deliberately reach for your drink and see how quickly your friend reaches for his.  If you watch couples (and a healthy couple is often in the state of rapport)--or you observe two individuals who are in a "courting" stage, they will frequently mirror each other's posture as well as movement.  As an aside, this is a therapeutic technique a psychologist might use, where he or she will mirror the non-verbal behavior of a patient, which will encourage establishing rapport, and once that connection is made, the therapist can begin to "lead" which may help an anxious patient relax.  This only works if the patient is unaware of what is going on.  If the patient becomes consciously aware of what the therapist is attempting, the rapport is shattered and the patient can feel manipulated and angry.  To give you another example, if you are trying to get a child to go to sleep, you can become aware of the child's breathing.  Once you have a sense of the breath pattern, you can then lightly pat the child on the back or the shoulder in the rhythm of their breathing.  Most of us are rarely conscious of our breathing, so the patting is very relaxing to the child, who will then easily fall asleep.

And the point of this?  Your friend was "leading" when he showed you the video of the fat and shirtless guy.  This might have been your friend's "story" that distanced "fat" from  his belly and yours, to get a sense of what your reaction would be.  And it may well have been  that your reaction didn't encourage him to try to trot out a separate "fat moment" again.  Maybe the video freaked you out--not because you didn't find it enjoyable, but because it made you think of those things you discussed at the end of your letter.  If you had genuinely reacted to it, he might have realized you had a "fat fetish" or that you were gay (or both).  But this means you might have lost an incredible opportunity to have bonded with him on another level.

So--in conclusion, I'll ask you what I ask a lot of people---what would you like to have happen?  You mentioned you don't desire a sexual relationship with him (although if you really have a "fat fetish," then on some level there will be an erotic aspect of doing "fat" related behaviors with him).  You mentioned you think it would be great if you had a buddy with whom you could pig out.  If this is your desired outcome, I would suggest you examine how realistic it would be to do this with him.  You mentioned you had spent some time apart, during which time he had gained more weight although you didn't mention if you had as well.  Let's go back to the rapport and mirroring--if you're apart and he gained weight and you didn't--you're giving him the message this isn't something that has much of an interest for you.  One of the things I constantly see with two people who have a relationship--whether that relationship is friendship or a marriage--they will try to mind read each other.  One will think, "Well, if I did that behavior, it would mean X."  And absolutely, if that person did that behavior, it would indeed mean "X."  But the for the other person, behavior X would actually mean Y.  

This is what you're doing with your friend.  You're thinking, "Well, if I did what he's doing, it's because I'm a gainer.  Therefore, if he does these behaviors, he must be a gainer as well." But your friend may have done those "random" acts--like showing you the video of the shirtless fat guy because he was waiting to see your reaction--and perhaps he didn't get the reaction he was expecting.  Which might have caused him to become less likely to initiate other "fat related" behaviors, and wait for you to do so.

I'm concerned that since you apparently no longer live together, you might also not live that near one another--which is why you didn't see him at all for a period of time.  Deep friendship has a foundation on several levels.  There are other relationships that aren't as intense--so you end up with say, sports fans, where they'll only get together for a specific game, but not for other activities.  This might be where you're headed with this gentleman, where you may not have enough in common to spend a significant amount of time together.  You might come together for specific events, which are also associated with drinking and over eating.  If this is the case, and you want a pig out buddy--consider this.  

Tell him you read something posted  by a psychologist who wrote about the importance of friendship.  After college, a lot of really close friends end up drifting apart as they get involved with their career and other friends.  It becomes common to keep a tight schedule, where you keep track of your business appointments.  It can be a healthy experience where you realize you value your close friends as much as you do a dentist appointment or a meeting.  Just so, you learn to actually make an effort to schedule in meeting your friends, just as you make an effort to schedule and keep business meetings.  

Tell him you'd like to start scheduling some regular time to spend together.  If he buys into this, then try to duplicate (mirror) what was the most enjoyable time for you when you were living together.  For example, this might mean entertaining him in your home, rather than at a pub or restaurant.  If there was drinking involved, then make sure there are drinks.  Again, try to make the experience as close to what it had been.  You're wanting to fire off as many of those old anchors/triggers as you can.  In fact, you might even, at one point, pull out your laptop and surprise him with a video of a fat guy dancing, and say, "Do you remember when you showed me one like this when we were in college?"

If you're no longer living together, but he's in your area a number of times a year, then you might (after he's feeling no pain, as we say back home--in other words after a few drinks and a lot of food) suggest a challenge, where the next time you see each other, you're going to have a bigger belly than he does.  This is to start "leading" him to associate being with you means pigging out and/or gaining.  Since you apparently have a history of teasing one another, also use the opportunity to compete--"I bet I can finish more of this pizza than you can, Little man."

Is he a "true" gainer?  Well, from what you report, he's certainly gained.  As a therapist, I tend to look at actual behavior, rather than what someone calls himself.  A lot of people (especially straight guys) may not have an erotic association with getting bigger, but really enjoy food and/or feeling stuffed, and accept the logical consequence is an ever expanding waistline.  If you know his extended family, remember how they look--and I'm going to suspect he looks like a lot of them.  This means if he comes from a chubby family, being chubby "feels" normal to him.  In other words you might be coming through a different door than he is, but you're both entering the "gaining room."  From that stand point--looking at actual behavior--it ultimately doesn't matter if he's a "true" gainer like you are.  But since you don't want him as a sexual partner, he could still be available to you as a "pig out buddy" you enjoy spending time with while doing fun activities, such as eating and drinking.

Do you really need to "come out" as a gainer to him?  Since you're not wanting him on a sexual level, I don't really see the point of telling him what is a sexual turn on for you.  That's what is called TMI or "Too Much Information."  If you're happy with your established range of fat related behavior--well, don't fix what's not broken.  Just be more active in terms of enjoying that range of behavior and share with him how much you enjoy his company as one of your best friends, while you both get to do a lot of the things you enjoyed when you were room mates.  This also helps establish what in therapy we call "boundaries" where you give him clear feedback about what specifically it is you want.  This avoids uncomfortable issues of you wanting to take the friendship to another level, which might include a sexual one, since you've told me that's not what you want out of this.  

Good luck--hope you end up with a fat and happy pig out partner.