Wednesday, February 20, 2013

My Boyfriend Is Willing To Let Me "Play" With Other Gainers--What Are My Options?

First, let me apologize to a lot of you who have recently been writing me. I've been extremely busy with my regular responsibilities, but also I've been busy publishing "erotica" gay gainer ebooks. You can check them out over at my homepage: www.SkyeEagleday.blogspot.com, or go to www.amazon.com and do a author search for Skye Eagleday. There are 3 ebooks on gainer erotica--Fat Cupid's Mocha Latte, Ballet Belly Bottom, and Ballet Belly Bottom 2. I put these three into  Belly Up: A Collection of Chubby Chaser Sex. You can also find the Belly Up Collection here: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/chubby-chaser-sex-belly-up-skye-eagleday/1115426387?ean=2940015947687 Unfortunately, these haven't generated much interest. However, I'm pleased my "Tales of the Werebear" series is doing much better. Erotica on gay werewolves is popular, so I created a character whose supernatural bear nature means he goes into a semi-hibernation in the winter, where he loses weight, and when spring returns his libido and appetite, he tries to gain as much weight back as he can before winter comes again. This has allowed me to sneak a gainer spin to a Werebear.  Now--back to questions--I'll make an effort to catch up on way overdue e-mails you've been sending in.
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Hey dude,
I've been an avid reader of your blog for a long time--as long as I can remember and I've been around the gaining community since I was 14 or so--and it's helped me process and (attempt to) accept the gainer side of me. But I'm really torn, not because I don't know what I want, but because I don't know how to relationship.. let me explain. Before I get into that though, I apologize for venting.. it's just you seem very wise and mature and I need the help of someone with those qualities.. so I hope I don't offend you or make you uncomfortable talking about this stuff.

I'm currently dating a non-gainer and he's amazing. Truly, he is. However, he's a bit thin (145~ at 5'11) and we've attempted to sex but I can't seem to.. stay focused. It's not that I'm not attracted to him.. it's just.. gaining is so ingrained into my sexuality that my body doesn't "respond" to thinner guys. It's not that he's unattractive by any means; I just feel terrible. I feel terrible because gainers don't make the best partners in relationships 95% of the time. The past few times I've dated our kind, all it boiled down to for them was food. In fact, my latest ex only came over to clean out my kitchen and then left, putting me down in the process and telling me how I didn't try hard enough like he did. So I feel as if I'm left with two options when it comes to dating: date a gainer, where all they'll care about is getting fatter.. or date a non-gainer who doesn't understand this side of me or thinks I'm weird/crazy as fuck.

And my boyfriend and I have talked about gaining.. we believe in mutual respect and honesty so I don't want to hide anything from him. I even had shown him Grommr, which he kinda prodded at me to do; I was hesitant because I didn't want him to judge me but when he saw the website, he didn't. In fact, he made an account and enjoys talking to some of my friends on here. And he's very supportive and knows that gaining also affects my happiness (i.e. when I'm sad, I usually get too anxious or stressed to eat and thus, lose weight.. but when I'm happy, I gain weight), so he just wants me to be happy.. so much so, it turns out.. that he sent me the following text this morning:

"Hey T, I've been thinking a lot and I have something I'd like to tell you when you see this message. Well, I'll just say it. T, I really want you to be happy. And I really don't want to limit you from anything. So, if ever you really do want to like, mutually masturbate with a gainer or snuggle or do whatever with whomever you want, I will allow it because although it may make me feel slightly uncomfortable or less special at first, I'll most likely get over it pretty easily, and in the end it's all because I want you to be happy. I understand this fetish is very physically arousing to you and I feel bad that I can't fully emit that arousal. I just don't want anything hidden from me and I don't want to put any limitations on you whatsoever. So yeah... I love you so much T. *hug*"

And he means well--he means very well. And he says the only thing he asks in return is that I be forthcoming and honest with him with everything I do. IT's just.. I feel so terrible. I love him so much but I can't even be intimate with him. I can make out with him and do other stuff with him and he makes my heart race when he holds my hand or cuddles with me when I read a book--he connects with me on every level.. except gaining. And I mean.. one day, I want to have a family. I want to settle down and have a husband and a couple of kids and a dog and a house and.. I'm afraid that I won't be able to have any of that not only because I'm gay, but because of this fetish. And it makes me feel terribly guilty and ashamed, even though that might be just as bad as feeling ashamed for being gay, which on some occasions I still do having come from an extremely conservative Christian household.

Regardless.. I'm sorry for venting like this.. but like I said, I don't know what to do and you always seem so willing to help others with their struggles of this nature and you know what you're talking about. So at the very least, I thank you for your time. :\ I hope you have a good day/week.
T

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Dear T—
First of all, having been around since dirt (I even predate the Internet) let me do the sad comment that you list your age as 21 and your boyfriend lists his at 18. I mention this only because it means neither one of you have had a chance to have a lot of experience in “coupling/relationshiping” and totally apart from the gaining stuff, there are very few guides and role models out there for a male/male couple to follow. There are different dynamics with a same-sex male couple than there are with a male/female couple. This means both of you will need to try a lot of things out, and some of them will work, and some of them won’t. I mention the “age” thing as a bit sad because few people 21 or under (whatever their sexual orientation or kink) are really ready, willing and able to pull off the spouse/dog/2 cars in the garage, white picket fence thing.

Which is to say—cut yourselves a lot of slack. One of my favorite quotes is from the scientist Buckminster Fuller: “The wonderful thing about science is—you can’t learn less.” Even if your efforts don’t have the success you seek, you’ll at least determined a direction you shouldn’t be going, and then you can correct your efforts until you get the results you want.
Here are my thoughts—
A)    In my experience with gainers who are heavily (pun) into the kink, the consistent programming  (Ooooh—new fat boy video, new fat guy pictures, chat with a Grommr gainer)—coupled with solo jerking off trains you to become more and more efficient at jerking off to gainer stimulation. That means when skinny boyfriend shows up, he’s not triggering the sexual response you’re used to on your own. You are not the only person, or the last, where you really want to climax with a person you care about, and the only way you can get hard is to fantasize being with someone else, or completely get off fantasizing on your own gain.
B)    Getting off on your own gain while in bed with a partner doesn’t tend to go well. The partner knows when you’re totally inside your head and no longer present. It doesn’t make the partner feel cherished and embraced.
C)    There’s a model in relationships that I also saw on a West Hollywood t-shirt—“Lust, Commitment and Intimacy. Choose two.” As I’ve shared on this blog before, Intimacy and Lust are like a seesaw—as one goes up, the other goes down. The more intimate/connected you become with a new partner, the more the lust factor declines. This is why “make-up sex” is usually very hot—after a fight, Intimacy has tanked, which allows the lust to spike. From what you’ve shared, the relationship you have now shows me you’ve chosen Commitment and Intimacy. There are some couples who will live a lifetime together with Commitment and Intimacy. Unfortunately, this tends to work better with an older couple, because you and your boyfriends should be  peaking in term of your sexual interests and efforts—enjoy the hormones now because they tend to start dropping off after the age of 25.

A)    For gainers with a strong gaining kink, and a partner who either won’t gain himself, or won’t join in the encouraging side of things, here are the most standard ways of dealing with the challenge:
1)      Accept your boyfriend’s offer of getting your needs met elsewhere, and you then “come home” to him. In psychology, this is called “compartmentalization.” You keep the sex in a different “box” of your life than where you keep “boyfriend/companion.” Totally apart from “the kink,” many male couples have this arrangement, but it is vital the two negotiate what the rules are between you. Here’s the odd thing—it doesn’t really matter what the rules are—it only matters you both negotiate them and agree to them. One couple may make a rule they can have sex if there is no emotional connection to the new person—he’s just a “trick.” It may mean you are allowed to have an interaction with a gainer, but you have to tell him all the details—or I know other couples with just the opposite arrangement—you can do it as long you never talk about it. There are many gay men who “get off” knowing their partner is desired by others, because it “drives up the property value” of the desired partner, but it also gives the win/win message of “You want my boyfriend, but I know he’ll always come back to me because he loves me, so I am the victor!” It concerns me Boyfriend has offered you the rules—it shows a really caring person, but it can also mean someone who may try to be overly controlling in a relationship. If this is of interest to you, then you need to sit down with him in a non-stressful and private setting and ask him what he wants out of the rules you both construct as a couple. As things stand now, I don’t really see him getting much back on his side, other than the possibility of you being happier than you are now. That’s noble, but in a healthy relationship, you work together so the needs of both partners are met.
2)      That may mean, for example, you agree to certain sexual behaviors that don’t require you to get hard, but can sexually pleasure him. This could include oral sex and the use of sex toys.

1)      Based on reading his profile, your boyfriend doesn’t seem to be averse to gaining, but it would seem the idea to him is more of a hobby than a kink. In other words, he is apparently willing to give it a shot, but he doesn’t seem to have the “hard wired” connection you do. Although there are some magnificently well bellied Grommr members who are the age of your boyfriend, different guys have different metabolism and genetics. I can predict Boyfriend won’t reach his full growth as an adult until around the age of 24-25, which means if you just stay together for the next few years, he’s most likely to fill out and possibly become a size that will satisfy you.

You may want to try out some joint activities that link eating/bloating/food with sex. If you do this well, that can get boyfriend more “into” the eating cycle with a resulting gain, because he’s not primarily doing it for the pudge, but for the sexuality of the interaction. I’ve posted on here a couple of times (you can google “sensual feeding, ProfessorFatology”) where a couple can take turns doing sensual feeding, where there is not an expectation of actually having sex (which means there’s no pressure)but there’s a complete focus of the sensuality of feeing your nude and blindfolded partner. You will have done a lot of prep and put out several different dishes with different flavors and textures, feeding a spoonful at a time, so he can completely focus on the smell and taste. You also have items of various textures (silk tie, burlap, feather duster, fur) that you will lightly touch/tug/pull over his nude body while he’s chewing. If you can get a pint of Ben and Jerry’s down him every night for a couple of weeks, it’s likely he’ll need to let his belt out a notch. Just as you’ve programmed yourself to erotically respond to gainer stimulation, you would be programming him to associate a full belly with attention and sensuality. As he responds, that may spark off a sexual response in you, which makes this a win/win interaction for a couple.


Finally—you mention in your profile you are not a stranger to depressive feelings and you have a conservative Christian background, which can be a major buzzkill to your enjoyment. If you've taken medicine for depression, you might want to check with your doctor to make sure you're responding to your prescription. You might do better on a different set of meds. You’ve also made the connection of your happiness to your weight gain—if your happy quota is up, so is your weight, and if you’re unhappy, you lose weight. I get the sense you can’t give back to your boyfriend at this time because what he can give to you (freedom to be with others) pumps out a big dish of Guilt. In this case,, Guilt is a really useless emotion, because it wont make boyfriend any happier, and it won’t get you growing out of your current jeans. One solution to wasting your time with guilt is to open up communications in terms of finding out the additional ways you can support your boyfriend’s happiness. If boyfriend’s happiness can include brownies and an extra large pizza, then you’re on your way to getting both of your needs met. And if he does start to put on some pounds, let him know what terrific you think that is—praise him. You should know yourself you may have had a hard day and you find a Grommr message telling you how hot you look and things perk up. Be honest—but if he’s gaining or at least trying to eat more, praise him—encourage him. Let him know what would be a major pleasure point for you—rubbing your stuffed belly? A full body massage? Reading gainer fiction out loud to him?

Please let me know how things go