Hope
you don't mind a question or two. So I've been out to myself as a chaser/encourager
now for over a decade and in all that time I've only had the luck of being
intimate with about five happily fat guys, and only three would be bonafide
gainers by their own self-definition. All five said they liked trim guys like
me, but only ONE seemed to be as turned-on by my body as I was his. So my first
question is:
1. You've conversed with enough of us fat-fetish folk that maybe you have an
anecdotal sense of just how many guys are TRULY turned-on by their physical
opposite? I understand the whole desire of a fat guy being with a fat guy, but
this is getting tiresome... I like having my navel sucked on and my abs rubbed
just as much as the fat boy likes his jelly being worshiped.
2. Again, from your chats do you have any sense just how many gainers really
not just foreplay activities with measuring, weighing, talking about their
gains, eating, but in fact are less interested in the 'traditional' activities
that lead to the big "O."
Maybe that's what I'm missing - I want the fat foreplay to lead
to climax, not
the fetish replacing "real" sex. What am I missing here?
****************
Wow—it’s so seldom someone actually asks me for a response
based on my personal experience and anecdotal evidence. Stepping away from the
research aspect (and as a heads up, a friend of mine and I are in the process
of putting together a gainer-related survey that we hope will answer a lot of
our own questions with solid data, as opposed to anecdotal stuff) from a
personal level, let me relate three of my experiences:
1)
The guy towhomIlostmymalevirginity was someone
with whom I maintained regular contact, and would see him whenever I was in his
city (in another state). When we first met he was a bit stocky. He then hired a
personal trainer with the anticipation of going on a vacation with some
friends, and he wanted a 6 pack ab body.
And he got it. Amazing transformation, the sort you see on some sort of
late night infomercial (yawn). He took photos during his vacation, and after I
was in town about 3 months after he had returned from his vacation, he had
buried those abs in flab. He would also stay with me if he were in my home
city, and the next time he came up, he was “just my type,” as the abs were further
buried, and he was the largest I had ever seen him. When we were in bed, I was
rubbing his wonderful roll of fat underneath his navel, and he said, “Don’t
touch me there, it makes me feel fat.”
2)
I was with someone who would (unexpected for me
at that time) later end up as a long-term partner, and he had gained
weight. I will admit his weight gain was
most likely due to the fact he had been spending a lot of time with me. We were spooning on the sofa watching TV, and
he got a phone call. While he was on the
phone and we were still spooning, I caressed his new growing belly. He turned to me and said, “Stop playing with
my fat.”
3)
I met up with someone on the East Coast with
whom I had had corresponded through e-mail for some time, who belonged to one
of the gainer sites. He met me at my hotel and I ordered room service.
At his request I had brought along a number
of items of clothing that would be tight on him. As we had discussed, I took
many photos of him in various outfits.
He was very excited the bathing suit I had brought was a large, since he
had never worn a large before, and he was pleased it fit him so well. In fact,
he was so pleased it was as if I had as much physical presence in the room as
my camera. He was so turned on by himself, I thought of a quote from George
Bernard Shaw when he was asked, “Mr. Shaw, are you enjoying yourself?” To which
he replied, “Yes, and that’s all I’m enjoying.”
My point? I think these three experiences point out
something of your own. There are guys who gain weight who are not gainers.
There are guys who gain weight who resent the fact they have gained weight and
get irritated at anything that reminds them of the truth.
Just so, as I’ve shared before, as an American Indian I have
waist length braids, and as a result, I attract the attention of a number of
gay men with a long hair fetish. I have
no erotic association with my hair—it’s just part of my spiritual heritage. But
it does mean I have a firsthand experience being involved with a kink that has
no relevance to me personally, but it has taught me what it’s like to be
completely objectified. And sadly, this
is an experience I share with well bellied men who have no fetish/kink arousal
around their size. I’m going to take a
wild guess that some of them don’t have a fetish/kink interest in a trim guy
like you. That doesn’t mean a connection is impossible—it just means it’s
likely not to be very intense and unlikely to be repeated. This is a variation
of something I hear a lot “in the community” of gainers/encouragers/fat
admirers who try to date “civilians” (i.e., those who are not connected in any
way with the gaining community, except some of them are big guys themselves).
What’s missing? What Emeril the Chef used as his catch phrase, “Bam!” There’s
no extra kick—no juice between the two people involved (or it’s completely one
sided, supplied by you, or supplied by a fat guy who doesn’t identify as a
gainer for whom being intimate with you is simply being with a jerk off buddy.
So—I suspect there are:
A)
Real Gainers, for whom gaining engages them on a
primal and erotic level. This might
involve stuffing, inflation, actual weight gain, etc. For some of them, they will have an interest
in detailed documentation, keeping records of weight, the use of tape measures,
and regular photos or videos of them as they grow. But here’s an important issue—there are
probably (based solely on anecdotal information) just as many guys like this
who don’t own a scale and have never bought a tape measure in their life. They
update their photos or videos rarely and in no consistent basis. They’re really
into “living the experience” rather than keeping track of it. What would
involve “gainer foreplay” for you isn’t part of their reality.
B)
Fat guys who have always been fat. They accept
their size, but it has no real special meaning for them, since they have no
other point of reference. They don’t have an erotic connection to gaining or
being fat, and will have no comprehension of why someone like you would be
turned on by them simply because they’re blubbered. Oh, intellectually, they’ve
been around enough to understand there’s something out there called a “gaining
community,” but these guys probably don’t belong to any gaining websites, and
if they do, it’s more likely a “hook up site” like Bigger City than a more
social site like Grommr, Beefyfrat, or Bellybuilders. Why should they join a
social site when they don’t identify as part of the “community?” They are also
likely to be bored out of their minds when you ask them about stats. Years ago
I had a client from Eritrea, and she had a cross tattooed to her forehead. I
had a Muslim interpreter and when I asked what sort of Christian she was (I’m
sharp-I notice things like a cross tattooed to a forehead), the interpreter
looked very confused and she replied, “She’s Christian!” I calmly said I
understood this, but wanted to know what denomination of Christianity. That’s
when I understood my interpreter was fluent in English, but didn’t make any
distinctions around the idea there were different types of Christians. My
client, by the way, was Coptic Christian. This is what it’s like for many fat
guys who are not gainers—they get confused at all the sort of documentation and
elements of gainer “foreplay” you desire. You want to know things like their
waist size and for them it all just comes out as “blah blah fat blah fat blah
blah.”
C)
There are thin/lean/fit guys who have become
fat. This is sort of a natural progression of a lot of twinks. Partying, drugs,
and all night dance sessions, not to mention being barely legal enough to get
into a bar tends to keep the waistline in check. Becoming responsible enough
not to regularly use drugs, and keeping a steady job means they’ll often start
to fill out, which frequently synchs up with their age. The older they get, the
fatter they get. By this time, they’ve learned they can’t party all the time
and use certain type of drugs and still hold down a job. But they also discover how relaxing it is to
get home from a stressful job and light up a bowl of 420, which leads to
munches and a larger pants size. These are often the ones (for me, Number 1 and
Number 2 I mentioned above) who remember what it was like to have size 30 jeans
feel loose, and are now shocked to discover size 38 jeans aren’t going to
button. They probably cruelly mocked fat guys when they were still fitting into
their own size 30 jeans. Karma’s a bitch. This type of guy often becomes the
self-hating fat guys that are the bane of an encourager/chaser/fat admirer’s
existence. A guy who has always been fat accepts the fact some guys are turned
on by his size, but it’s not reciprocal. It just means it’s easier for some fat
guys to get laid by a chaser, but it’s with that self-awareness of “I’m being
objectified,” that can leave a bad taste in the mouth of the fat guy. I want to
emphasize some chasers/encouragers/admirers may indeed want “the whole
package,” but the perception of a lot of fat guys is “you’re just in it for my
gut.” The twink who ends up as a chub (like Number 1 and Number 2 from my history)
gets pissed off at the idea of a chaser/encourager/admirer, because it forces
them to accept the fact they’re fat enough to attract someone with this sort of
kink. They’ll also devalue someone like you, because they take the attitude you
have to be crazy to find fat erotic. Again, this doesn’t encourage a
relationship.
I also want to come back to a subset of the “real gainers”
where my “Number 3” fits in. These are guys who are so turned on by their own
experience someone like you (or me) is simply a distraction. You might want to
do “gainer foreplay,” but they just want you to get out of the way of the cake
slices or to stop blocking the mirror so they can get a better glimpse of their
bloat. Some of these guys are not looking for a relationship at all. Some of
them have “compartmentalized” their lives with a “civilian,” so they get all of
their emotional and social needs met with their regular partner and every now
and then hook up with someone like you to get a different part of their needs
met. But for some of them who compartmentalize in this way, you’re pretty much
replaceable, because they aren’t looking for a partner within the gainer
community.
Connected to this category are a number of individuals who
might be best identified as “asexual,” where they aren’t looking for a sexual
relationship with a male or a female, and may be much less interested in your
size than being focused on their own. This subset may want to date-but they
don’t want sex. They might enjoy a
cuddle, but don’t want to take anything further.
So—let’s do the math. Let’s say 10% of the general
population is “kinda gay.” At the Kinsey Institute, we let the 10% thing slide
because it’s become political, but if you really push us we’ll admit the figure
is probably a bit lower. But even at the
most permissive, 10% includes bisexuals and lesbians, so if you’re a man
looking for another man, your starting number is closer to 5-7% of the general
population. Of this percentage of the general population, how many of them are
going to be “overweight?” If you’re lucky enough to live in the United States,
your chances of finding a gay guy with a gut are going to be a lot better than
if you were living in Iceland. Let’s say 40% of the gay guys are plump enough
to interest you. But now we have to slice and dice because fat gay guys fall
into the categories of fat guys who have always been fat and find no inherent
eroticism in being fat; fat guys who hate being fat; actual gainers—and then
narrow down the actual gainers into those that don’t want a partner; those who
want a fat partner, so you never make it through the gate; those that are
already taken; those that will be so self-focused you won’t have much of a role
in being with them. At this point the fact you’ve found at least 5 guys to be intimate
with in over a decade starts to make a lot of sense in terms of probability
theory.
Let me return to my American Indian heritage, where we have
the concept of “Two-Spirit,” which is a category we use because LGBT are not
our Native system of classification. Two Spirit people we believe have always
been part of all Native communities in the past, although those Native Nations
that had the most influence of Christianity and assimilation may be unaware of
their own history. One of the things we’ve discussed in Two-Spirit gatherings,
is traditionally, many bands or groups who formed a particular Native Nation
might only be together as a whole for certain times of the year. The rest of the time they were busy with hunting
and gathering, and staying in smaller groups because their land base would not
be able to support a large community for extended periods of time. Just so, if
there was only 1 Two-Spirit person per 100, which means the only time you as a
Two-Spirit person would ever see another Two-Spirit person would be during
those ceremonial times when everyone got together. Let’s say 300 people came together, which
means we have 3 Two-Spirit people in the full group. But one may be 60, one may be 20, and one may
be an infant.
Bringing it back to you, once you diced and sliced a
minority within a minority within a minority, the cold hard fact is—you might
find a potential match in terms of the general “gainer” stuff, but you’re too
old for him, or he’s too old for you. Maybe he’s only accepting applications
from African-Americans, which means again, you don’t even make it through the
gate. There are also criteria such as social class, educational background,
financial income, etc. Maybe you’ve found the perfect match, but he only wants
to be with another Muslim, or Orthodox Jew, and I’m going to take a wild guess
that means you won’t qualify.
Finally, I suspect for a lot of us within the
gainer community, we have survived by doing a lot of “fill in the blank” stuff.
I think this is why the websites have become so important. With a few clicks we
can identify someone who has a lot of characteristics we’re wanting in a
partner, if only based on his profile. He may also live in another time zone or
in New Zealand. With photos, cam2cam, and chats, we “fill in the blanks” by
projecting into the cyber-persona of the person, just the way they’re doing
with us. But it’s a fragile construct,
precisely because there are so many blanks involved. Because these constructs
can easily fall apart, some people expect them to fail (or “all chasers/chubs
are flakes”) which can end up as a self-fulfilling prophecy. I also find within the general gay community
some individuals see if they are sexually compatible before they try to find
out if they might make it as a couple. For guys like this, the more they get to
know you as a “fleshed out person,” before you have a sexual encounter, the
more likely you’ll be thrown into the category of “just friends.” Or as I was
instructed early on, “In the gay community it’s easy to get sex, but hard to
find real friendship and intimacy.” Based on that belief, someone who is seen as a good
match for socializing and companionship gets removed from “potential partner”
because there’s a fear once sex is entered into the equation, the companionship
might be lost. The solution? To keep sex out of the relationship, which means
being stuck permanently in the “Just friends” box. Anecdotally I would add
there seems to be a strong generational aspect for this. The older you are, the
more likely you may buy into this sex/friendship dichotomy. Younger people may
be more flexible in terms of boundaries, and feel it’s just natural for friends
to sleep with one another.
One of my old friends used to say, "If you're looking for someone who is just one in a hundred, that means you may have to go through 99 guys to find him." He would then snap his fingers and recit: "Volume, volume, volume." To find the minority within a minority within a minority may mean you have to step up your game in terms of the sheer number of contacts you need to invest your time to find the person(s) you are seeking. There's just no guarantee once you've found the guy you've been seeking--it means you're the one HE's been seeking.
Professor Fatology,
3) The best defense is a good offense. That means you’ve been waiting around for the
last 30 pounds for someone to notice.
And while you can suck your belly in while you’re thinking about it, you
sometimes forget to do so. People who notice this sort of thing have already
noticed. And if you’ve ever seen a more
recent photo of K-Fed, Britney Spear’s ex-husband and baby-daddy, wearing large
clothes doesn’t make you look skinny. It
just makes you look as if you’re trying to hide your belly underneath large
clothes. I mean, look at him in that white XL t-shirt. Does it make him look skinny? Nah....
