Can A Gainer Be Satisfied With A "Civilian?"

Hey man, I've been following your blog for forever, and I've just got to say its fantastic. You always seem to do a great job of providing thoughtful and balanced answers to people's questions.

I've been dating a guy for 4 years who I've been living with for 2. He is head over heels in love with me, but the feeling isn't mutual. He is a great guy, but I don't love him. He doesn't know I'm a gainer and he's always trying to get me to go to the gym with him "for health reasons". I enjoy his company, we share a lot of the same views on most subjects and the sex is decent, but I just don't feel the same way about him as he does me. I know that this relationship is going to have to change sooner than later. A long sit down style talk is certainly in order. My question is if I or any gainer really, can ever be satisfied by a relationship worh someone outside of this community. (Based on your experience as a psychologist and sex researcher). This has been my only major relationship thus far, up but I find myself wishing I had just told him I was a gainer before things got more serious. I'm not saying that the reason I don't love him is because he isn't an encourager, but I can't help but wonder if that would somehow make up for the emotional gap between the two of us. I'm sure you're busy, but if you could find the time to get back to me about this I'd be really grateful.

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One of the things that struck me was a comment made by a radio psychologist several years ago. A guy had called in and expressed concern about his fiancee, and how he was worried if he was making the right decision. The (female) psychologist got a bit snarky and made the generalization men always had the attitude “Yeah, this relationship is good, but what if tomorrow I walk into the bank or a store and meet the right one?” Then she said women look at their partner and think, “I can change him.” So for her world, men hope to find “the right one,” and women hope to “modify” a partner to become “the right one.”

Based on your profile information, and the fact you stated you've doubled your weight in the past two years or so, I am reminded of Orson Welles' quote: “Gluttony is not a secret sin.” Knowing how long he's been in your life, he's literally watched you in the process of blimping. It's pretty obvious you've expanded and unlikely you're going to shrink, since you clearly don't buy his “health reasons” and gym approach. I'm pointing this out because you report he's “in love” with you during a period of time you've doubled the amount of boyfriend he can have sex with. I would therefore assume as you move forward to 300, your size is not a major issue for him and his affection. Just so, if you had sat down with him years ago, and said, “I think I'm too skinny and I'm looking forward to being a fat guy because I know it will be a turn on for me,” I don't know if you'd be in a significantly different position than you are now. As far as I can tell, the one missing piece of the “puzzle” (for him) is that there is an erotic component to your gain.

To get back to your actual question--

A) In my professional experience as a Family Therapist specializing in couples and as a sex researcher—many couples stay together even if their sexual life is not fulfilling to one or both. For some it's security—financial or otherwise. For others, there is a strong sense of companionship. Some stay together with the attitude “better the devil you know.”

B) Depending on the intensity of a gainer's eroticism around gaining, I think it is certainly possible for a gainer to partner with a “civilian” (as a non-gainer/non-encourager is often called) and have a relatively happy relationship. But this is only possible if the gainer's eroticism isn't the “major mojo” of his sexuality—or if they do what a lot of couples do—compartmentalize. Compartmentalize means they basically put their relationship into one “box” and sexual expression into a different box. This is true for a lot of “kinks.” If you are heavily into BDSM and your partner is strictly vanilla, the chances are your sex life isn't going to be great. The solution is to find a partner who does satisfy your needs, and then you come home to the spouse, who satisfies your other needs (of companionship, for example). There are certainly gainers who work with this model, where their gainer needs are met outside of their primary relationship, because for a lot of “civilians,” they're never going to “get” what's erotic about gaining, anymore than a strictly vanilla type is going to “get” BDSM. In both cases, the “civilian” is not going to “convert” to a kink that doesn't connect to him. In my experience with other gainers, they will report a partner who will attempt to “role play” being an encourager, but because they don't “get it,” the interaction is often not pleasant for the gainer and the partner won't do it on a regular basis. By the way, in my experience, it sometimes works out if one partner is an encourager and his partner gains weight, not as an erotic desire on the part of the one fattening up, but because the encourager is good at encouraging, and because of his own “kink” finds his partner sexier with every added inch, so there's a “feed back loop,” where the blimping partner often doesn't care about having to buy a larger pants size because his own sex life is ramped up by the excitement of the encourager. This then becomes a “win/win” for such a couple, and I suspect this frequently happens with heterosexual married couples. In many cultures, there is the expectation a husband will gain weight after getting married—it's a sign of adulthood, of financial success (and in a sexist culture) and proof of what a good cook the wife is. For some married women, there is also the attitude a chubby hubby is a faithful one, where outside women aren't going to try to seduce him now that he's blown up.

100. After years of being around this community, what I hear over and over again from gainers/encouragers for whom this really is a significant part of their sexuality, a primary relationship with a “civilian” does not work in the long run. I suspect the standard pattern is the one you've been following: “I will stick in this relationship even though I'm becoming more frustrated with it the longer I stay around. But I would feel guilty/bad/ashamed/superficial if I dump my partner who is a really good person and I'm quite fond of him. But he will never sexually satisfy me.”

500. If you were in therapy with me (and you're not) there are two standard questions I would have for you: What would happen if you ended this relationship, and What would happen if you did not end this relationship.

Based on my experience, if after two years of living together and doubling your weight, I really don't see anything that is going to change other than you continuing to gain weight. While that will be erotic for you, there's really no change I can see with your partner. One option, which you've considered is sitting down with him and “coming out” as a gainer, and how this is your major kink. You need to stress this is like your sexual orientation. It's not something you chose, but it's what you are. By the way, that's an excellent metaphor for the “civilian.” Just as your partner can't “choose to be straight” he's not really in a position to “choose to be an encourager.” I mean, you could win the lottery, and come out and discover he's really been a secret encourager all along and has really been sneaking calories for you when your back is turned, and has helped you pack on the pounds. This is what happens in gainer fiction. It isn't what tends to happen in real life. (Sadly)

Part of this is just a numbers game. First you eliminate perhaps 90% of the male population as a partner because they're straight. Then you narrow down the number of potential partners because they are too old/too young or in other “deal-breaker” categories. Then with the few that remain, you try to find the ones who are gainers/encouragers, and believe me, that number gets pretty small. The Internet has done an amazing thing, by bringing together people with the same kink, so they can support one another. One of the things I frequently hear from members of Grommr is how much they look forward to the encouragement they get on the site, because they sure aren't getting it in real life. Sites like Grommr have also done a great service by allowing guys to meet other guys into gaining/encouraging, but again, that doesn't help if you discover a great partner, but he lives in southern France while you live in Virginia. There may be members of Grommr in your area, but there's no guarantee you'll end up in a relationship with them because, trust me, if the only thing you have in common is a belly or a desire to fatten someone up, that does not lead to a long term relationship. It's also one of the reasons couples stay together. “What are the chances I'll find someone who is at least as good as the one I have now?”

E) Finally—here's what you should also consider. If you are not satisfied with your relationship, and you do nothing to alter it, you're not going to get more satisfied. Speaking as objectively as I can, staying in the relationship without trying to alter it means it's ultimately unfair to your boyfriend, who frankly deserves someone who “loves him back.” The longer you stay together, the longer he will be deprived of a partner he deserves. The longer you stay together, the longer you will be deprived of a partner who is a match for your sexuality.

By “altering” your relationship, I mean “coming out” to him as a gainer. Like coming out to your parents and family (if you have)it's critical to remember people learning to understand and accept a major aspect about you doesn't usually happen immediately. The newly informed need time to process the information and eventually make it fit into their own heads and hearts. Just so, one conversation about “What gaining means to me” doesn't mean your boyfriend will understand what you're saying the first time he hears it.

Then it comes down to negotiation. What precisely do you need from him to improve your relationship? If he were magically able to wake up tomorrow and truly satisfy you sexually, would you want to stay in the relationship? Would you want him to double his own weight? And again—this is an important metaphor. Fattening him up might be a turn on for you, but given the mention of the gym, I'm going to go out on a limb and suspect the idea of your boyfriend gaining a hundred pounds in the next couple of years is not going to thrill him.

And—let me bring this up, because it's a feeling I'm getting “between” the lines. In my professional experience, couples seek out people in my field because they either want to “fix” a relationship that is not satisfying them—or they want to end the relationship and seeing a therapist is their way of being able to say to their partner and the world--”See! We did everything possible to make this work, and the relationship just couldn't be saved.” Then they get to walk away without guilt, or without one of them being seen by family and friends as “the bad one.”

You're 23. That means you started getting involved with your boyfriend when you were 19, and you've now lived together for two years. Long and long ago, it was pretty normal for a teenager to end up marrying another teenager and figure their lives were set. And indeed, that often worked. But it's also one of the reasons why in the U.S., we still have a divorce rate of about 50% because most teenagers don't make great spouses. People change and grow (and by grow, I'm not talking about their waist). In other words, even if the gainer eroticism was not part of the equation, I don't know if this would be a long-term relationship because there may be other elements that will not ultimately satisfy you (or him).

Historically, many men did not come out as gay until they were older—at least in their 20s. One of the major changes has been gays coming out at younger and younger ages. From a therapist's point of view, this is terrific. It means the younger you are when you come out, the more opportunity you have to “practice” being a good partner. Dating is really the “training wheels” for an eventual long-term relationship. For people who aren't out, they don't get to “practice” until much later on in their lives, when they do come out, which means there are a lot of folks out there who are “damaged goods,” who need a lot of help to be able to be in a healthy same-sex relationship.

I can't help but wonder how it would have turned out for both of you if you had had the opportunity to really date without the sense of going “home” to a boyfriend. You indicate in your profile you're in an open relationship, but I would be very curious if you define “open relationship” in the same way your boyfriend would. By having a primary relationship with him for at least the last two years, it means you've both been denied an opportunity to find out what it would be like to have a relationship with a different person.

On one level, as a therapist who really believes in change, I believe it is possible for you to learn to love a partner in the way he or she loves you. But that doesn't mean I also believe that should be done, or the investment of energy and time to make the change happen would be worth it.

So in summary, let's circle back to my first statement about the radio psychologist—I get the real sense you wake up every morning in a relationship and ask yourself, “but what if the guy who would really make me happy is out there somewhere?” And it's hard to avoid the realization “as long as I stay in this unsatisfying relationship, I'm not going to have the opportunity to find the right one.” I would suggest you “come out” to him as a gainer, but spend a significant amount of time preparing for it. Be very specific and concrete about what you want him to do with this new knowledge. Do you want him to feed you? Do you want him to document your weight gain by taking photos of you and taking your measurements? Do you want him to never bring up again the idea of going to the gym? Do you want him to gain weight? And if he is unable or unwilling to respond the way you desire, do you feel it would be appropriate to either end the relationship or scale it down to “just friends?” Also-remember in negotiation, both parties are involved. Otherwise you're just ordering him to change. If he's willing to do behavior “x” for you, are you willing to do behavior “y” for him? Since this is revolving around sex, if he's willing to try something to support your kink, is there something he wants sexually from you that you've been uncomfortable about providing up until now? Would you be willing to do it in exchange for him trying to support your own kink? Are there “dealbreakers” for you that he might want in exchange for doing the things you want him to do?

I wish you both the best. In my personal and professional experience, it's rare for someone's first relationship he has at the age of 20 to be the same one he'll have when he's 30, 40, or 50. My own Significant Other just returned from spending the Memorial Day weekend in his home state, where he stayed with his first boyfriend and the boyfriend's partner. They are now both in their early 40's, but have remained in touch and close for about twenty years. If your current relationship ends in terms of being boyfriends, it's certainly possible to keep him in your social network because he obviously has a lot of valuable qualities. And who knows—this is the United States where as of 2012, two-thirds of adults are overweight or obese. Biologically, you haven't really finished your adult growth until around the age of 25 (on the average) which means someone (who doesn't have a gaining kink) that is slim at 20 may be pudgy by their mid-twenties. If you break up but keep him in your social network, it may well be in a few years he may also have a belly and can end up rejoining each other in a more satisfying relationship. That's what happened with me. He went from 155 to over 260. It's not his “kink” but he knows it's mine. Being over 100 pounds heavier is not erotic in itself for him, but his own gluttony and enjoyment means he's not doing everything in his power to lose the weight. I'm one of those fortunate folks in that “win/win” where as an encourager, I enjoy him blowing up, and he enjoys eating.

So-can a gainer/encourager have a satisfying relationship with a civilian? Definitely. Is it likely? One of my favorite quotes is—the race doesn't always go to the fastest horse—but it's where you place your bet. The hard reality is—most people, regardless of their kink, don't tend to stay forever in the relationship they found themselves in while in their early 20's.