Is It Wrong To Get Turned On By Being Me?

Dear Professor

Firstly allow me to say thanks for your interesting discussions and contributions on many of the gaining and encouraging websites.

My question is really in two parts:

Firstly:

  I guess my gaining has been on and off for the last 12 years.  At 18 I was 145 and running 5 miles a day, by 21 was a flabby 202 and while the size was cool, the unfit flabby mess I had become was not.  I ran off most of the weight down to 160 and since then have bulked (on and off) up to a respectably muscled 222. I feel amazing, and its great to be a bit, strong and more importantly REAL man, in that im not ripped.  I lift 4 days a week and eat a clean (ish) diet as I want to be big but want alot of muscle with my jiggle.  As I lift and grow i notice my body changing, and I find this exciting, to the extent that a particularly effective muscle pump post gym, or realisation that I am bigger and wider turns me on.  Is this strange? To be turned on by your own progress? Is it healthy?

Secondly:

I am a happliy married man who loves his wife more than anything. Yet I find myself visiting gainer sites, even returning to them having convinced myself I dont need to visit them.  I love to chat with, and encourage people to grow, and love getting positive feedback on my own growth.  The sight of a guys growth progress turns me on, and their enthusiasm for their size, be it fat or muslce, also turns me on.  Im even a little turned on at the thought of some of the negative gaining side effects, such as breathlessness and sweating, as long as its not extreme.  I had kind of assumed I am bisexual, but never ever get the excited feeling when im looking at guys in 'real life' as it were.  What do you think?

Thank you

Anon

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Oh, believe me, this issue of “because I get excited at the idea of my own growth or encouraging another guy’s growth—does that make me bisexual/gay/strange/confused?” comes up all the time.

Let me begin by congratulating you in terms of having taken charge of your body and feeling comfortable in your own skin after a lot of investment and hard work.

Let’s face it, in general American society, no one really gets an “owner’s manual” for the body they find themselves inhabiting. You have to do a lot of studying, experimentation and questioning to discover what works best for you, as you discovered trying to get the size and shape you really wanted.  I often tell patients, clients, and students, you frequently need to find out what you don’t want in order to find out what you do want. In your case, that seems to mean being your height and under 150 pounds feels “wrong” and being over 200 pounds and flabby  feels wrong.  But like Goldilocks, you found out what was “just right” for you.

That can provide you a warm and fuzzy feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction.  It makes you feel at home in your own skin, and that is an amazing feeling.

Let’s put the body stuff aside for a moment and think about this as a sport.  While there are undoubtedly some guys who work as coaches who have an unhealthy sexual interest in their student athletes (looking at you, ex-coach Jerry Sandusky—hope the jail thing is working out for you), in my experiences, most coaches are dedicated to helping their players become the best they can be, which then makes the team the best it can be.  And if they succeed—then they’ve grabbed the gold ring of becoming the best coaches they can be.  I think this is what is you’re experiencing by encouraging others to become what they desire to become. As a coach, you’re not focused on “doing” a player, and that’s what I hear from your description of your experience.

Long and long ago, my first lover had me accompany him to visit a psychic. I sat quietly at the table and listened to him ask her about his (troubled) relationship with his father. She responded his soul was actually much older than his father’s soul, and that was the source of their conflict. He was also a psychologist, and this was not the answer he expected, but he found it strangely satisfying.  He then glanced over at me and asked her, “What about him.”

Then she got very serious and said, “This is his last incarnation. One of the reasons the two of you are together is because he gets to relive many experiences through you. It allows him to appreciate better what he’s gone through to get where he is today.”

What I’d like you to take away from this little bit of my own personal history—is that you’ve come a very long way with a lot of success and satisfaction. When you help others along the path—and some say you can only guide someone down a path as far as you’ve been yourself—you get a chance to relive how exciting and satisfactory that felt when you were going through the same thing at an earlier stage of your life.  For some, it also puts additional (and welcome) pressure on you to up your own game, so you don’t get complacent or “stuck” but keep growing and maturing.

Enjoy your happy marriage, and realize your interest in supporting others has little impact on your wife other than keeping you a happy camper, and a happy camper tends to contribute to a stronger and happier relationship.  It doesn’t mean you’re going to wake up one day and run off with a gainer or bodybuilder male, anymore than most professional football coaches are going to run off with their star quarterback. Is it healthy to be happy you’re you? In therapy we call that “self-esteem” and it’s a goal most people want to accomplish.  I’d also found some people find recalling older experiences—like being out of breath or sweating—and I bet you did both a lot when you were trying to run off those pounds when you were a flabby 202—is like trying on old clothes. You discover you’ve outgrown them and they don’t fit any more. Thinking about the side effects of gaining—that you’ve experienced yourself—lets you celebrate the fact you’re no longer “that guy” but a successful “real man” who clocks in at 222 pounds of what you want to be.

Way to go, big guy!

Why Isn't This Gaining Fantasy Working Out?

Dear Professor Fatology,

 I realize you have a blog on gaining, which is why I'm contacting you. 

That said, my questions aren't really directed toward helping me gain, or becoming comfortable with the idea of gaining. My questions have to do with understanding why I'm attracted to the fantasy of gaining, but when I actually do it I don't seen to enjoy it: I don't seen to enjoy how I look, and I certainly don't enjoy how I feel. 

Yet I'm still strongly attracted to the idea ~ I guess the fantasy ~ of growing a huge gut.

I've been into bodybuilding as a fetish since I first saw a bodybuilding magazine and instantly got a hard on. Muscle growth has been my primary fetish and sexual focus pretty much since then, and recently I've really been making serious efforts to live a bodybuilding lifestyle and have seen some great results. I'm turning into a real bodybuilder, and I love it.

That said, when I was in my early 20s a guy, over the phone, whom I'd met in a muscle growth chat room on AOL, talked me through a fantasy of my growing a huge belly. I totally got off on it, LOVED it and began exploring the gaining scene (if you could call it that, back then).

A good seven or eight times now I have made serious efforts to pack on a big gut, for a week or more at a time. Recently, up to two months of concerted, er, "work". Sometimes I've gone overboard, stuffing myself silly with unhealthy food, and ~ given I was already eating rather unhealthily at the time ~ I would get sick.

Recent efforts have involved my using my regular foods ~ now very, very healthy ~ to stuff myself (while still horny, the hard gut does feel incredible). The process of stuffing can be erotic for me, but after I cum I actually find I feel awful, physically speaking... like I was sick. My body hates having to process all that food all at once. Even more recently I have learned to not quite stuff myself all the way, so I wouldn't feel so physically awful after I came, but rather just "very full" (not as satisfying for the hard gut, but much, much better in the post-cum phase). I've also spent a lot of time appreciating my body changes in the mirror, both trying to enjoy the growing love handles and gut, as well as ~ more recently ~ the growing muscle.

I have found that I enjoy the muscles ~ how they feel, how they look, an how my body feels all the time now ~ more than I have enjoyed my gaining efforts. 

When I actually succeeded in putting on a small gut (once, last year, after a serious nearly two-months-long gainer attempt to push past my "fears", my "inhibitions", my "resistance" to gaining, regardless of how I felt after I cum, how I felt when I looked in the mirror), and then really worked to enjoy my growing gut as I lived in life through the day... I actually found that, though I could get off on the belly while horny and with my eyes closed, I really did NOT enjoy at all the thick heavy feel of my legs as they softly brushed one another due to their thickness, nor the soft, cooler (compared to the warmth of muscles, typically) feel of the fat of my fairly decent starter-gut, when I was NOT feeling horny, or when I looked at it in the mirror (compared with how I looked when I would hold the gut in), day in and day out. As much as I tried to enjoy these things, they continued to become things I enjoyed less and less the bigger I got.

Yet I still am attracted to the fantasy of it at times. Not always. I tend to go in waves of this, focused more on my bodybuilding fetish (most of the time) with periods where I wax toward the bellybuilding fantasy. 

I don't exactly beat myself up for being into gaining. As I've said, I even really WANT to enjoy getting fatter. My eroticism would love that.

But I just don't seem to enjoy it, in the day-to-day process of living my life.

Some people, I know, can feel very, very conflicted about this stuff. I'm rather accepting of my kinks, and I understand how we can have paradoxical feelings about things (though I'm not an expert in understanding the WHY we have certain apparent paradoxes within us, hence my email to you). I don't feel miserable or awful about all of this, as some people might. Instead, I find I am mostly just highly curious, and sometimes confused, about it. About why I have a sexual turn-on toward gaining, that when I try and realize it, I find my body doesn't really want to do it, and that I don't actually get off on how I am growing bigger, either ~ in real life. When I close my eyes and fantasize about growing a huge gut, I love it. But when I looked in the mirror at the gut I was growing ~ even when horny and into the gaining fantasy ~ I found I didn't really like how I either looked, or how I physically felt.

Not the same with my bodybuilding. As a grow bigger muscles, I enjoy more and more how I look, more and more how I feel. I'm even more determined and dedicated to being and living as a "muscle beast."

If I had a wish about all of this, it would be to better understand why I have a strong sexual fantasy about gaining that apparently doesn't seem to want to become realized, and another, stronger one, about bodybuilding that absolutely seems to want to become realized, all in one body. They are both obviously about growing bigger. 

I'd like to either simply give up cleanly on the gaining fantasy, or else learn to feel more comfortable with just enjoying the fantasy and not, well, feeling a touch guilty about not ACTUALLY wanting to grow a gut, in real life ~ for it feels a bit, well, unfulfilling to have a fantasy about realizing a physical change without then actually making that change happen.

I used to feel that way about my bodybuilding. Now I'm living that and feel, well, a harmony of purpose. But the gaining just doesn't seem to want to integrate in that way, in me. In the last two attempts I've made to gain ~ using foods my body loves, even not stuffing myself to the point where I hate it, but still enough to gain weight ~ it just hasn't had me emerging into an love for gaining, at least not anywhere beyond the close-my-eyes and imagine it state.

I realize I'm not paying you, and that you may not wish to and/or have the time to address these issues for me, for whatever personal reasons of your own. I'm not feeling stuck, or unhappy, just highly curious, confused, and yes a touch guilty about it... and I recognize that we are highly curious and confusing and at times conflicted creatures, us humans. I'm ok with being curious and confused, and can deal with this conflict, even continue to learn about it on my own.

But if you do have the time and interest to address this, I'd very much appreciate it.

Thank you!

Please feel free to post any of this email (and/or edit for readability) to your blog, if you find it an interesting thing to post there.

Best,

MGB

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Long and long ago, I remember being out with an old friend who was what we call in the Pacific NW, an “Indipino.” This refers to people who are half Native American, and half Filipino (although in the 21^st century, those specific proportions-half and half—aren’t necessarily that exact). My friend’s father was Filipino and his mother was from a Coastal American Indian Nation. Members of Coastal Nations are not usually known for their height. Another Coastal man who married a woman from the Plains area (and they ARE known for being tall) joked that it was all about Coastal people being evolved for canoes. They should be small and relatively wide because it makes their center of gravity perfect for a canoe. A tall and thin person has the worst center of gravity for a canoe, and would always be tipping it over.

I was with my friend when he took his young son in for a doctor’s appointment. The little boy was asked by the doctor, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” He responded by saying, “I wanna be a basketball player.”

The doctor looked at my friend and said, “You might want to consider being a jockey.”

There are some fantasies that can have a major “charge” for an individual, but there are also some things that are going to remain a fantasy, and should be enjoyed that way. A lot of men have a deeply rooted (that’s actually a pun) fantasy of having enormous genitals, but we simply don’t have the technology to make that happen in a very satisfactory and healthy way.

In my experience as a therapist, I have learned to always trust “the body” rather than “the mind” because for most people the “body” represents the unconscious mind, and the “mind” represents the conscious—what you normally think of as “you,” and what keeps making plans, such as having a big belly. The unconscious will almost always “win.” It may do so by “sabotaging” the conscious objectives. For example, if the conscious mind wants to land a new job, but the unconscious doesn’t want it to happen—because perhaps it would require relocating to a new city—the job applicant may end up oversleeping on the morning of the interview.

This “push/pull” interaction of the two primary parts of who “you” are often plays out the way you describe. For whatever reason, it would appear your unconscious is not thrilled with the idea of you being the fat guy you’ve imagined yourself becoming. When the conscious and unconscious unite for a common goal, amazing things can happen, and that seem to reflect your current success with formal bodybuilding.

In my experience—if you escalate your efforts to get fat, your unconscious will escalate resistance. I frankly have never really seen that guilt is a very useful response.  My feeling is that you gave being fat your best shot—more than once, and you need to accept the fact that just maybe, being obese is not the path for you. However, that doesn’t mean you have to abandon the fantasy, since it apparently holds an erotic charge for you. 

Here’s what I would suggest—keep doing what you report doing so well, and enjoy growing larger—as a bodybuilder.  But I would suggest you explore the options of inflation. This would allow you to achieve if not “instant gratification,” results that will be a lot faster than packing on the pounds to increase your waist size. For example, here’s the youtube of someone who calls himself Mr.TeenDestruction. MTD is a young bodybuilder who normally sports a ripped 6 pack and substantial muscles. But every now and then because of a request from his viewers, he will do a bloat.  Check him out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TeqEWNc18k

  There are a number of approaches to inflation or bloating. MTD does so by chugging water, which means after the bloat his body will soon return to “normal” and he gets his abs back. Some inflate with air, and others use an enema containing water. All of these approaches can let you temporarily enjoy a hard, round gut, but you will never have to worry about your thighs rubbing together after an inflation or bloat. From what you’ve shared, you’ve actually ended up with a food bloat when you were trying so hard to gain by stuffing yourself with food.  Why don’t you see if this adaptation will trigger an erotic response for you—and you should try recording your process and results on video or photos—even if you never share them with someone else.  If you experiment, you will find that certain angles or lighting will make you look a lot bigger than you actually are.  You can also find out what sort of inflation or bloating technique is the most satisfying for you. Again, that discovery may help achieve the erotic charge you seek. Another option would be various forms of padding. A friend of mine I had met in SF used to put on a wetsuit, the type used for diving, and would cinch a belt very tightly over his hips.  He would then insert a hose inside the suit and fill it with water.  With the "stretch" of the wetsuit's fabric, this would result in not only a type of inflation with a resulting "big belly," but had the added advantage of giving him a sense of increased weight/mass from the gallons of water within the suit.

You may also discover once you stop trying to fight your unconscious, that "other part of you" may relax and you'll find you might end up as a "muscle-chub" where you combine the best of both worlds.

 I wish you the best of success in becoming the big guy you want to be.

Can I Gain And Be A Good Christian?

Dear Dr. Fatology,

I'm 16, and ever since I was little, always had an interest in overweight people.  In middle school, I found that the interest was only in their stomaches.  I was confused at what I was feeling, because my family is divided by strict Christians on my mom's side, and strict atheists on my dad's side. 

 I myself am a Christian, and try to be a good Christian, but yet I still want to gain when I am older and have a stable income, and have moved out.  I am straight, and I have no interest in anything except stomaches, which is why in freshman year, I researched it and found out about gainers and all that.  I know that not all gainers are gay, and I want to make a decision that I will be happy with, without felling like I'm sinning by giving in to gluttony.  I intend to gain until 35, then lose the weight by 40 or 45, because I know about the health issues. 

 Thanks in advance for your advice.  1. Can I gain and still be a Christian.  2. Can I marry someone who is open to me gaining and then stopping, because I want someone who likes me for who I am. 3. How can I live a normal life with friends and family, or at this point is it not worth it.  Sorry for really asking a lot.

************.

What an interesting set of questions. I have taught at the Illiff School of Theology in Colorado, and the Pacific Lutheran Seminary in Washington State.  As you may know, I am American Indian. I worked for 5 years with an Ecumenical project called One With The Spirit, involving a number of mainstream Christian Churches, and the three traditional paths of spirituality for American Indians in the Pacific NW. In connection with this I also worked with Harvard University for three years as part of an annual conference on Spirituality and Healing. I was part of a group of Native Americans asked by the World Council of Churches to be part of the bicentennial celebration of Australia, working with Australian Aborigines, although I’m sorry to say the leadership of the Council changed before we left, so the meeting did not happen.

While you state you come from a family of “strict Christians,” you don’t share what denomination of Christianity your mother’s side of the family follows.  Saying one is Christian is a bit like saying one is American Indian.  It tells others something general about you, but not a lot of specifics. For example, there are over 500 federally recognized Native Nations/Tribes in the United States alone, which doesn’t include Canadian Native people, or any Indigenous people from Meso-and South America. Catholic belief systems and practices (including not following Church tradition—for example, over 90% of Catholic women in the United States chose to use Birth Control, although this is against Catholic policy) are significantly different from Lutherans (which, for example, allow women priests) or Southern Baptists, who do not permit wine (because of its alcohol content) to be used in communion, where Catholics do.   Southern Baptists teach the “wine” referred to in the Bible is “new wine,” or grape juice, which is what is used in Baptist communion services. 

When I was around 9 years old, I was in Sunday School and after the teacher had introduced the lesson, I asked him about a passage I had read in the Old Testament, which stated a type of a person should be killed. I should mention this was about “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live,” and not about sexuality. The Sunday School teacher told me when Jesus came, he replaced the laws of the Old Testament with the “New Law”—which was basically to believe in Christ, and in John 13:34, Jesus is quoted as saying: “A new commandment I give unto you,  That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” That was a huge relief for me.  Later on, I discovered this is not necessarily the standard belief of the Southern Baptists.

It is also possible as you become an adult you may choose a spiritual path that is a better match to your own heart and spirit than the one your mother’s family follows.  And indeed, you may explore other spiritual paths and end up returning to your own roots at a later time in your life. I remember having lunch with a nun in Canada and we discussed part of the concept of “Free Will,” is that it honors the Creator more to know that you have other options but choose the path of good, rather than to not have any choices and only follow what you might consider to be “God’s Word.”

For many Christians the general media has popularized the concept of the Seven Deadly Sins, of which one is Gluttony. If one looks at the history of Christianity, this isn’t an idea directly from the Bible.  The Bible, however, does quote Solomon (in Proverbs) who stated that the Lord specifically regards “six things the Lord hateth and the seventh His soul detesteth.” These were:

1)     A proud look.

2)      A lying tongue.

3)      Hands that shed innocent blood

4)      A heart that devises wicked plots

5)      Feet that are swift to run into mischief

6)      A deceitful witness that uttereth lies

7)      Him that soweth discord among brethren.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t see gluttony on this list.  It was added by a Greek monk (who listed the “8 Evil Thoughts,”—in Greek) and the monk put them in order from the what he considered the least evil to the most.  Interestingly, he considered gluttony the least evil of these “Evil Thoughts.” After that a number of Catholic scholars did a number of different lists, some of which included gluttony. How closely does your family follow Catholic teachings? If you aren’t Catholic, how important are Catholic teachings to you?

On a deeper level, a number of Christian teachers work from the idea “sin” is doing something that turns your heart from the Creator.  In this way, gluttony can be an evil when it means you have selfishly turned your back to the Creator, or if by concentrating on feeding yourself you deprive other people of their food. A writer from the Gainer community quotes Henry David  Thoreau who indicated “He who distinguishes the true savor of his food can never be a glutton; he who does not cannot be otherwise.” If by “true savor” Thoreau meant when you eat, do you give thanks to the Creator and truly enjoy the experience—then you are not experiencing gluttony. For American Indians, one of the worst things we are taught one can do is to disrespect food. In fact we are raised to never speak ill of food in the food’s presence. We believe when we eat Salmon, for example, the salmon gave up its life for us. Life comes from life, and in our tradition, when we die, we don’t believe in embalming. Our dead bodies are wrapped in deerskin and buried in the ground so our bodies will return to the Earth and nourish the plants, which nourish the animals, which then nourish us, so the Circle of Life can continue. According to Thoreau, as with many American Indians, the concern is celebrating and honoring what the Creator has provided.

To answer your specific questions

1.     1. Can I gain and still be a Christian? Many who identify as Christians see their celebration of their bodies to not challenge their faith. Part of this also ties into what I’ve discussed before—different Christian groups follow different paths in their understanding of what being Christian means. It is, however, my understanding that the ultimate “sin” is that of despair—the idea that you are so evil, that the Creator can never forgive you. Part of the foundation of Christianity is that salvation is always available for those who believe in Christ, and have accepted His Word. In other words, even if you follow a faith that teaches you gaining is gluttony and a sin, there is no sin that cannot be forgiven. There are other teachings that would associate your gaining with other changes to your body, such as choosing to be a bodybuilder, or getting a tan. These are other things that aren’t actually “covered” specifically in the Bible itself. Just so, I'm not so sure gaining is precisely the same thing as gluttony. The Bible verses that do mention gluttony (and they don't mention gaining) are focused on the idea that the end result of gluttony can include being poor, or worshiping your stomach instead of God, which again, doesn't seem to me what gaining itself is all about.

2.       2. Can I marry someone who is open to me gaining and then stopping, because I want someone who likes me for who I am. You know, a lot of women are not as “hung up” on their spouses’ personal appearance as a lot of men are about women’s appearance. It is very common in many cultures to associate weight gain with a happy and successful marriage, so gaining weight is considered a normal part of growing into adulthood.  If your wife becomes pregnant, you will probably gain weight along with her as you share more frequent meals. Gaining weight in this case is a sign to your community your family is successful enough to be able to provide for its members, and that your wife is a good cook. If you remain in a long term relationship, there are all sorts of changes that will happen to the bodies of both you and your wife—which includes changes in body fat percentage, hair loss, wrinkles, etc.  If you really love each other—it’s through sickness and health. In what way does your waist size over the years really differ from how much hair on your head you can (or can’t) grow, or if your face isn’t as smooth when you’re 50 as it is now?

3.      3. How can I live a normal life with friends and family, or at this point is it not worth.  I’m not entirely sure what a “normal life” is, or who gets to define it. I do know it’s usually not appropriate to tell all of your friends, family, and your peers at work what “turns you on,” because sexuality is a very private issue in North American culture.  Just so, you probably don’t want to hear your parents go into great detail in terms of what turns them on in their bedroom. If one considers a “normal life” to be where you get to live in a peaceful and productive way that doesn’t hurt other people, then absolutely I think you can find joy in your life and support others in discovering and manifesting their joy as well. When I look at the words directly accredited to Jesus, here are some that are meaningful in answer to your questions.  Matthew 7:5: “Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.” In other words, if others stand in judgment of you, then they are neglecting the words of the Apostle Paul, who states in Romans 3:23: “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” In other words, from the standpoint of the Bible, we’ve all sinned.  And this is the kicker—if you feel your own “sins” are worse (which means they are greater) than someone else’s—that’s considered “Pride,” which Solomon lists as the first of the “Evil Thoughts,” and the Catholics include as one of the Seven Cardinal/Deadly Sins.

I would also suggest you take a deep breath and the next time you attend the church of your mother, look around and see how many of the members of your congregation and your church leaders are overweight. I’m going to take a wild guess many of them are. Would you judge them as being “sinful” because of their waist size? If things continue to develop as they are going, by the time you are in your 30s, being overweight will be something you will share with the vast majority of Americans. And you know—that is pretty much the definition of “normal,” isn’t it?

Is Gaining/Being Obese A Core Part Of Sexuality?

Hi there,

I had a quick question that I'd be super-appreciative if you could do your best in answering!

I've been attracted to fat guys for as long as I can remember. I've never had any issues with my sexuality, and came out at quite an early age. While none of my actual sexual experiences have been with bigger men, when I fantasise and masturbate it's always about obese guys. It occurred to me recently though that the subject of my fantasies are not sexual, per se - as in it's just about the experience of being fat and the belly/body shape that I fantasise about. I've noticed more recently that this is having an adverse effect on my sex life, because I'm never really wanting to have sex as much as fantasise about being fat (even during the act itself). Do you think gaining/being obese is at its core a sexual experience? Or in your experience are gainers more than satisfied with just their bodies as sexual arousal? Or is it possible that I'm even asexual and only attracted to the idea of my body being obese? 

Thanks for your help!

****************

Well, howdy back! You’ve actually asked a number of questions.  Let me start by saying that based on research in sexuality, many males when masturbating will often “go for the gold”—in other words, if fantasy X is what resulted in the “money shot,” then it’s easiest to replay that particular fantasy. This is like clicking on to your favorite song on your I-pod. You know what you’re going to get, and you enjoy the results. The problem is that the more you use the same fantasy (or a variation of the same fantasy—last time you focused on the image of you’ve ballooned up with another 50 pounds and you keep rubbing your new belly, vs. this time you’ve ballooned up another 50 pounds and you explore how soft and sexy your expanded moobs are) the more you re-enforce that fantasy, so it becomes the “default” of your sexual expression.  The drawback of this is when you’re using a specific fantasy all the time, when you engage with an actual partner, he may not end up fitting the script.  This can also happen to folks who consistently pleasure themselves with sex toys—you can control everything that’s going on—how fast, how hard, how deep—but when you’re with a partner, he won’t be as easily controlled as a dildo.

You might consider expanding not only your waist size, but your repertoire of sexual fantasies. Try not to do the same ones over and over again.  Try using your other hand if you always use the same one when you masturbate.  If you haven’t tried using sex toys, now would be a good time to explore them. And just as long-term couples will often fantasize about being with a different partner, a lot of guys who are into gaining or fat guys who find themselves in bed (or other places) with a partner who isn’t fat or gaining, or even knows about this particular “kink” will find they can’t get to orgasm without either fantasizing their partner is fat (or they put his “face” on top of a known body that’s a turn on) or that they themselves are even fatter than they are.

If, as you wonder, you’re not as attracted to “real life” partners as you used to be, always first look for a physical issue before looking into psychological ones. You don’t mention your age, but after the age of 25, the testosterone level of many men starts a predictable and steep decline, which bitch-slaps the libido. This means a lot less energy and interest is available for seeking out sexual partners.  If you have a good health plan, you should consider getting a physical for your doctor that should include looking at your level of testosterone. If it’s low, your provider can prescribe a cream you apply daily (to your shoulder, btw, not more “sensitive” areas of your body) which can really turn the “horny” faucet back on. Other things that can interfere with your libido are medications you might be taking, or some unsuspected physical problems  that may not be obvious right now, but could be dangerous down the road—this would include being pre-diabetic, or having undiagnosed high blood pressure. Most of these are things that can be “tweaked” by your doctor, and end up with you being a healthier, happier you. Now-back to your specific questions:

Do you think gaining/being obese is at its core a sexual experience? Oh, for some people, without question. But I suspect for the majority of the human population it is not sexual, just as a woman’s shoe may be a huge turn-on for a guy who is “into” women’s shoes, but for most women who are wearing them daily, a shoe is just an often uncomfortable fashion accessory. For some gainers, there is no question that gaining/being obese is a core part of their sexuality. But this isn’t true for all gainers. This is sort of like being gay—it’s a spectrum, not a stick with two ends, where one end is labeled “fat” and the other end is labeled “skinny.” For some gainers, being large is “being in charge.” For some guys who grew up being scrawny and picked on, being big is associated with being powerful and in control of one’s life. For them, gaining/being obese isn’t a sexual function, but more about their self-identity and feeling comfortable in their own (larger) skin.

Or in your experience are gainers more than satisfied with just their bodies as sexual arousal? Again, this is back to a continuum or spectrum—there are many gainers who are more than satisfied with a self-focus on their own body. A sexual partner is fine, but sort of like a “special occasion”—like a fancy dessert, rather than an everyday swing through a fast food place, where the gainer lies back alone, fat, stuffed, and happy. Putting on my therapist hat—our professional concern is that the healthiest individuals tend to be the ones who are able to establish appropriate relationships with other human beings. The focus is to be able to do both—enjoy yourself when alone, but also to enjoy human company

Or is it possible that I'm even asexual and only attracted to the idea of my body being obese? Based on what you’ve shared, I just don’t have enough information to give you the best answer.  My suspicion is no. This is around the idea you’ve had sexual partners in the past, and the experience was not traumatic or boring for you, even if you found you can satisfy yourself more as a “solo act.” Asexual people often find even the idea of having sex with another person to be distasteful or really uninteresting. From what you’ve put into your question, it would seem what you’ve found is that you have a history of being able to interact with other partners, but from a preference standpoint, you’ve discovered you don’t get as much of as sexual charge from these former partners than you do being on your own. This is missing a huge (pun intended) issue here-if you’ve never had a fat/gaining sexual partner—then this is something you should seriously consider.  In the gaining community, there’s a term frequently used of “civilian.” This refers to a partner who is not part of the gaining community, or has no interest in it.  For a lot of gainers for whom gaining/being obese is a “core” part of their sexuality, they rarely find a “civilian” partner will work out in the long run. For guys in this category, having a partner who is a gainer/encourager/fat admirer is a win/win, where you double the chances of your pleasure.

How Do I Avoid The Wrong People Seeing Me?

Question: I want to get in to making videos to show off my gaining but I'm very self contious but I really want feed back plus im afrade that the wrong people will see it so in stead of comments like this "great job" I'll get comments like "hey fag y don't u look at abs like norm people you fat fuck" ive been bulled before and it would destroy me do you have any advise?

Answer: First of all, congratulations on the idea of doing something that will make you happy. I wish I could guarantee you would never get any negative comments, but frankly, that’s one of the “payments” one makes for the benefits of self-posting on the World Wide Web. There will always be some people with personal problems who use the anonymous nature of the Internet to try to pee on someone else’s parade. This isn’t about you, or about whatever body, hair color, ethnicity, or gender you have and present. Our Elders back on the Reservation tell us, “When you point your finger at someone, three fingers point back at you."”

 In other words, a lot of people who comment on a youtube channel in a negative way about someone being gay are often struggling with their own sexual orientation and because they are in pain, strike out at a gay or bisexual guy who is happy with his life. Someone who has negative self-image issues around their own body will attack a happy fat person because the happy fat person is living the secret dream of pleasure the angry person tries to shred, to make the happy person as miserable as they are.

I find a number of gainers will post “If you’re not into seeing a sexy big belly, this video is not for you so move on to another youtube channel (or whatever system you’re using). Negative comments will be deleted.” This is what we call in therapy “predicting a crisis.” If what you don’t want to have happen, happens (you get criticism) you’re prepared to deal with it in a positive and constructive way, and if it doesn’t happen—well, that’s a win-win. And don’t hesitate to delete negative comments, and as you do, think of it the way some people feel about swatting a fly—you realize the fly is just being a fly, but it feels good to get it out of your way.

As for not being recognized—here’s the way a lot of people post so no one will recognize them.

A)     Wear a mask.  In fact, own the mask, in the sense it becomes your “secret identity.” Sure, you can pull a ski mask over your head, but think about a long future of videos that show your success at bellybuilding.  What sort of image do you want to project? Look for a mask on-line or at a costume shop (I don’t know where you live, but in Seattle, my old hometown, there are a few open all-year shops that specialize in all sorts of costumes, theatrical make-up, and masks that range from very inexpensive to really fancy and expensive ones. Pick out one you think you’ll feel comfortable wearing each time you upload a new video and that makes a statement about you. There’s the obvious—a piggy mask, but also think about something big and powerful, like an elephant mask.  Or another favorite for a lot of gainers---turn Batman into Fatman by putting his cowl on your head.

B)    Create a screen name that has no connection to your own regular, everyday life, but relates to the mask you’ll be wearing. When you put in identifying information, put in misleading specifics. List your hometown as say, Eagle, Idaho, where there would be little chance that someone in rural Idaho is going to stumble across your vids, and even if he or she does, they’ll think, “This doesn’t look like anyone I know.  I wonder where in town he lives?” This means, that if you’re in Minneapolis, for example, people in the Twin Cities will just think, “Wow—must be a lot of good food in Idaho.” Also add or subtract a few years from your posted age, so anyone who actually does know the “real” you won’t have a clue who you really are.

C)    Notice how the fellow in the photo wearing his mask is sitting on a very distinctive sofa? Listen, if you’re wanting to disguise yourself by wearing a mask, don’t screw it up by then photographing yourself on something that can be easily identified by anyone who has ever been in your home.  Choose a place to do the video in front of something very generic, like a plain white wall. Don’t do them in your bedroom where the viewer can look behind you and see your bed, where your bedspread or sheets can be seen, or a shelf full of your interesting and unique collection of items that can identify you as you.

D)    Another easy alternative—many gainers simply position the camera so you never see their faces. The one risk you have about doing this that I see happens frequently—the gainer will accidently dip his head and bang—you can see his face. They’ll often miss the fact they’ve done this and upload the video, and all the work they’ve done to hide their identity is thrown out the window. Also--if you have a tattoo or a birthmark that gets exposed when you are shirtless, make sure you either cover such identifiable marks up (for example, if you have a tattoo on your upper arm,  consider wearing long-sleeve shirts that you then unbutton to display your sexy success of a belly--or only shoot from an angle that hides what can identify you. For that matter, you can even do the opposite--buy a set of "temporary tattoos" and every time you do a new video, slap on a fake tattoo so if someone who has seen the video runs across you in "real life" they will see "that video can't be him--the guy in the video has a tattoo on his left arm."

E)     Also—consider uploading your videos in very safe places—like Bellybuilders.com, Fantasyfeeder.com, Beefyfrat.com, Grommr.com, where anyone on the site will most likely be a fat admirer or a gainer himself, so the feedback you’ll get will be positive. You don’t have to limit yourself to only one place to post—a channel like youtube or xtube will provide you a much larger potential audience, but the more people who get to see your videos increases the number of crazy angry people who might leave negative comments.

Good luck—and let me know where I can see your first video J