I've been a member of this community for a while now (nearly 4 years, since I was 18 or so). I've found it hard understanding and accepting this part of myself, and recently I've been having some counselling to help me with it, which has been very helpful. I thought it would be a good idea to both share my experience with other members of the community and get a different perspective on my situation.
I've known for a long while that I've wanted to be fat, but I only feel this way when I'm turned on. When I'm not I enjoy being the size I am, the weight I am, how I look. I also find it difficult to gain weight anyway, what with my metabolism, and I don't really like food, so me getting fat is out of the question, at least for now.
Having said this, weight gain features prominently in my life, so much so that when masturbating I only ever picture myself, fatter, never other people. This however has left me so unfulfilled sexually. How can I be happy with my thin self (which I know I want to be "rationally") when my sexual desires tell me to be something completely different? How can I feel sexually fulfilled while being thin?
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I don’t know if this is a solution looking for a problem. In other words, most people seek help because they’re unhappy with their situation and are hoping to change that situation. While you are interested (particularly on an erotic level) in being fat, you state when you’re not in “erotica mode” you are satisfied with your current body.
As near as I can tell from your questions, you’re not asking me how you can change your body. Just so, you have found a way to meet your needs by fantasizing yourself fat (or in the process of fattening) while you masturbate. This can be thought of “having your cake, eating it too, and not worrying about calories.
In situations like yours, my only concern--because I’m, after all, a Family Therapist specializing in Couples--so all of my training was focused on establishing and maintaining healthy relationships. One of the challenges of focusing on masturbation (as you describe it) is that it currently excludes having a partner. That means you’re setting up a “baseline” of sexual expression that is only about you and your (imagined) fatness. This could lead to potential problems in being with a partner because you’re establishing a strong “script” that you’ve learned to follow. You “get ready;” you see yourself fat/fattening in your “mind’s eye;” you satisfy yourself. At this point, there’s no particular need for a partner, so if and when you have one, you’ll have a “learning curve” to deal with where you deviate from your established script and will have to learn a new skill set to both provide for and receive from—a partner. However, you self-identify as a “gray asexual,” which you define as “meh,” with the idea of having a partner. You indicate you could be with a partner, particularly a “hot” and well-bellied guy, but it hasn’t been something intriguing enough for you to actively pursue. This means we’re back to a solution without a problem. You’ve managed to get your needs met in a way that doesn’t harm (but doesn’t necessarily enrich) another person.
As a therapist, I was taught to look for a “noble intention,” which drives behaviors that outsiders might see as “odd,” or even “unacceptable. Most people don’t fantasize being fat or fattening up, except in “kinky” communities like this one. You are listed as being at 16% body fat and your profile photo shows you as not being overly muscular. It may be that one of your noble intentions is that for a brief amount of time, your masturbation fantasy allows you to feel desirable (since you “magically” become the body you admire). For many males, “big” is also associated with being “powerful,” and in my experience someone just entering into adulthood may not always feel particularly “powerful” (or independent), so imagining yourself “big” makes sense to me. It also can provide you a sense of “control” over your life/body during those stressful times when you don’t feel as if you’re in control.
Also, humans tend to make mental functioning as “streamlined” and “foolproof” as possible. Once you have created your masturbation fantasy, you can efficiently “activate it” and achieve self-pleasure. The disadvantage of doing so means you’re consistently reinforcing the same sexual fantasy which can make you less flexible in terms of incorporating other sexual elements—which could include a partner. But again—if you are comfortable as a gray asexual—you’re not going to be very motivated to change what it is you’re doing, since you’re meeting your needs.
I might suggest—if you’re interested in expanding (pun) your experience rather than your body, you might consider non-corporal changes, such as experimenting with padding, or doing morphs of your own photographs. I suspect you’re relatively visually -driven by your personal eroticism, which is probably one of the reasons you frequent a gainer site. Padding and morphs might give you additional elements you can incorporate into your masturbation fantasies and the physicality of padding--particularly if you use “weighted” padding—a friend of mine explained he would take a neoprene bodysuit (used by those who like to surf or dive in cold water, cinching it very tight with a belt and then using a hose to fill it with water. The neoprene “stretches” so you end up not only with the “look” of a fat guy, but the “heft” of one as you move around. The experience of the “extra weight” is something you can’t really fully experience with your imagination—but the experience can further fuel your fantasies of what it “feels” like to be fat. That might help you "fulfill" your sexuality even as you keep fitting into your skinny jeans.
I think the “takeaway” for readers is that people “solve” their lives in a variety of ways. Your solutions appear to be working for you, and I’m a fan of “not fixing what’s not broken.” But your approach may not meet the needs of those who aren’t gray asexuals. I should probably mention a large (the puns write themselves) number of gainers report fantasizing being fatter, fattening up, or imagining the same of a partner—plays a major role in not only their masturbation fantasies but in their actual sex play with a partner. I often am told by gainers how they find it difficult to achieve erection with a slender partner unless they fantasize their partner fat, or “substitute” the actual partner with the fantasy of one that is more sexually appealing (i.e., fat).
Always happy to hear from someone who’s been able to get his needs met, particularly if it’s not in a conventional manner.