**********
Hey dude,
I've been
an avid reader of your blog for a long time--as long as I can remember and I've
been around the gaining community since I was 14 or so--and it's helped me
process and (attempt to) accept the gainer side of me. But I'm really torn, not
because I don't know what I want, but because I don't know how to
relationship.. let me explain. Before I get into that though, I apologize for
venting.. it's just you seem very wise and mature and I need the help of
someone with those qualities.. so I hope I don't offend you or make you
uncomfortable talking about this stuff.
I'm currently dating a non-gainer and he's amazing. Truly, he
is. However, he's a bit thin (145~ at 5'11) and we've attempted to sex but I
can't seem to.. stay focused. It's not that I'm not attracted to him.. it's
just.. gaining is so ingrained into my sexuality that my body doesn't
"respond" to thinner guys. It's not that he's unattractive by any
means; I just feel terrible. I feel terrible because gainers don't make the
best partners in relationships 95% of the time. The past few times I've dated
our kind, all it boiled down to for them was food. In fact, my latest ex only
came over to clean out my kitchen and then left, putting me down in the process
and telling me how I didn't try hard enough like he did. So I feel as if I'm
left with two options when it comes to dating: date a gainer, where all they'll
care about is getting fatter.. or date a non-gainer who doesn't understand this
side of me or thinks I'm weird/crazy as fuck.
And my
boyfriend and I have talked about gaining.. we believe in mutual respect and
honesty so I don't want to hide anything from him. I even had shown him Grommr,
which he kinda prodded at me to do; I was hesitant because I didn't want him to
judge me but when he saw the website, he didn't. In fact, he made an account
and enjoys talking to some of my friends on here. And he's very supportive and
knows that gaining also affects my happiness (i.e. when I'm sad, I usually get
too anxious or stressed to eat and thus, lose weight.. but when I'm happy, I
gain weight), so he just wants me to be happy.. so much so, it turns out.. that
he sent me the following text this morning:
"Hey T,
I've been thinking a lot and I have something I'd like to tell you when you see
this message. Well, I'll just say it. T, I really want you to be happy. And I
really don't want to limit you from anything. So, if ever you really do want to
like, mutually masturbate with a gainer or snuggle or do whatever with whomever
you want, I will allow it because although it may make me feel slightly
uncomfortable or less special at first, I'll most likely get over it pretty
easily, and in the end it's all because I want you to be happy. I understand
this fetish is very physically arousing to you and I feel bad that I can't
fully emit that arousal. I just don't want anything hidden from me and I don't
want to put any limitations on you whatsoever. So yeah... I love you so much T.
*hug*"
And he
means well--he means very well. And he says the only thing he asks in return is
that I be forthcoming and honest with him with everything I do. IT's just.. I
feel so terrible. I love him so much but I can't even be intimate with him. I
can make out with him and do other stuff with him and he makes my heart race
when he holds my hand or cuddles with me when I read a book--he connects with
me on every level.. except gaining. And I mean.. one day, I want to have a
family. I want to settle down and have a husband and a couple of kids and a dog
and a house and.. I'm afraid that I won't be able to have any of that not only
because I'm gay, but because of this fetish. And it makes me feel terribly
guilty and ashamed, even though that might be just as bad as feeling ashamed
for being gay, which on some occasions I still do having come from an extremely
conservative Christian household.
Regardless..
I'm sorry for venting like this.. but like I said, I don't know what to do and
you always seem so willing to help others with their struggles of this nature
and you know what you're talking about. So at the very least, I thank you for
your time. :\ I hope you have a good day/week.
T
****
Dear T—
First of all, having been around since dirt (I even
predate the Internet) let me do the sad comment that you list your age as 21
and your boyfriend lists his at 18. I mention this only because it means
neither one of you have had a chance to have a lot of experience in “coupling/relationshiping”
and totally apart from the gaining stuff, there are very few guides and role
models out there for a male/male couple to follow. There are different dynamics
with a same-sex male couple than there are with a male/female couple. This
means both of you will need to try a lot of things out, and some of them will
work, and some of them won’t. I mention the “age” thing as a bit sad because
few people 21 or under (whatever their sexual orientation or kink) are really ready,
willing and able to pull off the spouse/dog/2 cars in the garage, white picket
fence thing.
Which is to say—cut yourselves a lot of slack. One
of my favorite quotes is from the scientist Buckminster Fuller: “The wonderful
thing about science is—you can’t learn less.” Even if your efforts don’t have
the success you seek, you’ll at least determined a direction you shouldn’t be
going, and then you can correct your efforts until you get the results you
want.
Here are my thoughts—
A) In
my experience with gainers who are heavily (pun) into the kink, the consistent
programming (Ooooh—new fat boy video,
new fat guy pictures, chat with a Grommr gainer)—coupled with solo jerking off
trains you to become more and more efficient at jerking off to gainer
stimulation. That means when skinny boyfriend shows up, he’s not triggering the
sexual response you’re used to on your own. You are not the only person, or the
last, where you really want to climax with a person you care about, and the
only way you can get hard is to fantasize being with someone else, or
completely get off fantasizing on your own gain.
B) Getting
off on your own gain while in bed with a partner doesn’t tend to go well. The
partner knows when you’re totally inside your head and no longer present. It
doesn’t make the partner feel cherished and embraced.
C) There’s
a model in relationships that I also saw on a West Hollywood t-shirt—“Lust, Commitment
and Intimacy. Choose two.” As I’ve shared on this blog before, Intimacy and
Lust are like a seesaw—as one goes up, the other goes down. The more
intimate/connected you become with a new partner, the more the lust factor
declines. This is why “make-up sex” is usually very hot—after a fight, Intimacy
has tanked, which allows the lust to spike. From what you’ve shared, the relationship
you have now shows me you’ve chosen Commitment and Intimacy. There are some
couples who will live a lifetime together with Commitment and Intimacy.
Unfortunately, this tends to work better with an older couple, because you and
your boyfriends should be peaking in
term of your sexual interests and efforts—enjoy the hormones now because they
tend to start dropping off after the age of 25.
A) For
gainers with a strong gaining kink, and a partner who either won’t gain
himself, or won’t join in the encouraging side of things, here are the most
standard ways of dealing with the challenge:
1) Accept
your boyfriend’s offer of getting your needs met elsewhere, and you then “come
home” to him. In psychology, this is called “compartmentalization.” You keep the
sex in a different “box” of your life than where you keep “boyfriend/companion.”
Totally apart from “the kink,” many male couples have this arrangement, but it
is vital
the two negotiate what the rules are between you. Here’s the odd thing—it doesn’t
really matter what the rules are—it only matters you both negotiate them and
agree to them. One couple may make a rule they can have sex if there is no
emotional connection to the new person—he’s just a “trick.” It may mean you are
allowed to have an interaction with a gainer, but you have to tell him all the
details—or I know other couples with just the opposite arrangement—you can do
it as long you never talk about it. There are many gay men who “get off”
knowing their partner is desired by others, because it “drives up the property
value” of the desired partner, but it also gives the win/win message of “You
want my boyfriend, but I know he’ll always come back to me because he loves me,
so I am the victor!” It concerns me Boyfriend has offered you the rules—it shows
a really caring person, but it can also mean someone who may try to be overly controlling
in a relationship. If this is of interest to you, then you need to sit down
with him in a non-stressful and private setting and ask him what he wants out
of the rules you both construct as a couple. As things stand now, I don’t
really see him getting much back on his side, other than the possibility of you
being happier than you are now. That’s noble, but in a healthy relationship,
you work together so the needs of both partners are met.
2) That
may mean, for example, you agree to certain sexual behaviors that don’t require
you to get hard, but can sexually pleasure him. This could include oral sex and
the use of sex toys.
1) Based
on reading his profile, your boyfriend doesn’t seem to be averse to gaining,
but it would seem the idea to him is more of a hobby than a kink. In other
words, he is apparently willing to give it a shot, but he doesn’t seem to have
the “hard wired” connection you do. Although there are some magnificently well
bellied Grommr members who are the age of your boyfriend, different guys have
different metabolism and genetics. I can predict Boyfriend won’t reach his full
growth as an adult until around the age of 24-25, which means if you just stay together
for the next few years, he’s most likely to fill out and possibly become a size
that will satisfy you.
Finally—you mention in your profile you are not a
stranger to depressive feelings and you have a conservative Christian
background, which can be a major buzzkill to your enjoyment. If you've taken medicine for depression, you might want to check with your doctor to make sure you're responding to your prescription. You might do better on a different set of meds. You’ve also made
the connection of your happiness to your weight gain—if your happy quota is up,
so is your weight, and if you’re unhappy, you lose weight. I get the sense you
can’t give back to your boyfriend at this time because what he can give to you (freedom to be with others) pumps
out a big dish of Guilt. In this case,, Guilt is a really useless emotion,
because it wont make boyfriend any happier, and it won’t get you growing out of your
current jeans. One solution to wasting your time with guilt is to open up
communications in terms of finding out the additional ways you can support your
boyfriend’s happiness. If boyfriend’s happiness can include brownies and an extra
large pizza, then you’re on your way to getting both of your needs met. And if
he does start to put on some pounds, let him know what terrific you think that
is—praise him. You should know yourself you may have had a hard day and you
find a Grommr message telling you how hot you look and things perk up. Be
honest—but if he’s gaining or at least trying to eat more, praise him—encourage
him. Let him know what would be a major pleasure point for you—rubbing your
stuffed belly? A full body massage? Reading gainer fiction out loud to him?
Please let me know how things go
