How Do I Help A Gainer Understand I'm Not Going To Judge Him?

Hey Man--

I just started to see someone who is a gainer and I'm a bit head over heels for him, but, he's a little uneasy about seeing someone who isn't in the gaining scene. I know I can't change his mind or make him feel comfortable about me not being in the scene, but I want to help him understand that I'm not going to judge him about this or make it an issue. I'm completely fine with it. Any advice?

Sorry if I come off odd about this, but this is so new to me.

Dear "Head Over Heels"

It seems like this is a question that’s coming up a lot but in various forms.  I recently responded to a young straight woman who wonders about being with a skinny guy when she really wants a chub, and another from a guy who is skinny and wonders the same thing.

And now from what I understand of your situation—you like a gainer but you report he’s “uneasy” about seeing a “civilian/normie” (someone not “in the gaining scene”).  Maybe because you aren’t really part of the scene, it may be hard for you to understand exactly what it is he’s uneasy about.  Since I don’t know him, I’m really not in a position to know what it is he’s uneasy about either.

For example, if he’s a gainer who is focused on his own gain, then there’s certainly a possible place for you as an admirer or an encourager.  But if he feels he needs a mutual gainer, then you being a “standard” size may be a deal breaker for him.  You get trapped in the “friend” category rather than the potential boyfriend one.

Another spin on this—I’m American Indian.  That’s not something I “do,” but it’s a fundamental part of who I “am.”  One of my “best” in the “sack” ex’s I had met so many of my erotic and relationship needs, but he was a second generation Greek-American and just could never wrap his head around why my being American Indian (and my family) meant so much to me.  As a result, he felt frustrated with the idea I was “overdoing the Indian thing.”  Let me tell you—there’s a HUGE difference between feeling tolerated and feeling cherished and embraced.  And frankly, that’s the sense I got when I read your statement “…but I want to help him understand that I'm not going to judge him about this or make it an issue,”  well, that comes off as “tolerating,” rather than “celebrating.”  You might want to more closely examine exactly what it is that makes you feel “head over heels” about him.  Is it primarily about his personality?  Did he first capture your attention because he has some “meat on his bones?”   If there’s a physical attraction then you might want to take some “baby steps” into the gaining community.  Of course, you might have some limitations, where you find him sexy now, but as a gainer, he’s only going to get bigger.  Are you worried that with another 30 or another 80 pounds, you’d be turned off?

If his size is “part of the whole package” you’re willing to accept, then consider telling him you find him very attractive and you’d like to explore what might be exciting and fun for the both of you.  This means having him be specific about what sort of things would be a turn on for him.  Does he want to be fed?  Does he want to be humiliated? Does he want his new flab rubbed and played with?  What role does he want with a partner?

For example,  would you be willing to tell him you’d like to try gaining a few pounds to get a sense of his experience?  I’m not asking if you’d be willing to suddenly become a superchub, but would you be willing—if it’s something could shift you to the “potential boyfriend” stage, to spend some time sharing a pizza or cheesecake and doing an “eating contest,” if that would be a turn on for him?  Kicking a relationship up a notch is always about taking a risk.  Are you willing to take a risk, even if it means gaining a few pounds, with the understanding you always have the option of dropping them later on?  Again, I’m not suggesting anything extreme, but really just “indulging” while you’re together. A 10-15 pound gain is something that may arouse him, but is still small enough where it’s something you can “hide” from others not in the “scene,” or hell, for that matter, this is 2011 when a significant number of people are overweight anyway.  Gaining some pudge is a pretty normal experience where family and friends may just assume it’s natural for you to “let yourself go” a bit—you can even joke about it—that you need to cut back on the cookies and start hitting the gym.  If you and Mr.Gainer are out about being same-sex focused, then again—a lot of people who have no connection to the gainer community will simply see a couple who are experiencing the “happy fat” stage.  It’s very common for new couples who are happy with each other to gain weight—and again, this includes folks who are not involved (or even know about) the gainer scene.

If this is a scary thought—then that’s a good thing to find out now.  And it may be part of why Mr. Gainer may have some hesitation about becoming more deeply involved with you.  Since you’re not really that familiar with the gaining community, you might want to take some time and read through some of the threads on www.bellybuilders.com and www.fantasyfeeder.com to discover what “real” members of the gaining community find exciting.  And frankly, some of those  may be things you’re just not willing to do.  For example, a number of gainers get aroused when a partner tells them how out of control they are, or how they’ve become a disgusting fat pig.  This is not something I feel comfortable doing myself.  But if you have some familiarity with the range of options you have in terms of “playing” with a gainer, when you do ask  about what sort of things would please him, you won’t  react like a deer in the headlights, or give the “WTF Face”—both of which would re-enforce him being uneasy with being with someone “not in the scene.”

The bottom line, at least for me?  Based on what you’ve shared, you would like to take your involvement with Mr. Gainer to a richer level, but you don’t know how and you need to ask if you’re willing to take the risk to advance your (possible) relationship.  If you’re not willing to move forward, then frankly, Mr. Gainer was right in being uneasy with the thought of you as anything other than a friend.  If you start in the direction of deepening your (potential) relationship, and you discover being with a gainer isn’t really what floats your boat—then it’s best to discover it sooner rather than later.  If, as Mr. Gainer suspects, you’re not boyfriend material,  it may be best for both of you to be free to find more appropriate partners. 

Finally—there’s something a lot of guys call “chemistry” and they feel it’s something you have or you don’t, and if the “chemistry” isn’t there, a boyfriend/partner relationship just won’t work.  A lot of women feel if they “do the right things” a relationship can blossom.  It’s the sort of thing where someone looks at a house and thinks “I could never live there,” and another person looks at the same house and thinks, “What a fixer-upper! I can see so much potential here!”  Just to cover all the bases—while you may be “head over heels” for him, there’s the possibility he just doesn’t feel “chemistry” with you and is just using the “gainer scene” as a way of gently pushing you away.

Good luck—again, this can go in so many different directions—but if you don’t try to advance your possibilities, I can pretty much guarantee as things now stand as you describe them, nothing much more is going to happen and you’ll end up either watching Mr. Gainer through the window while he finds a boyfriend, or you’ll  get stuck as “just a friend.”

"Could You Direct Me To A Positive Community Of People...?"

Hello,

I just recently discovered your blog, and I'm absolutely fascinated by it! I am what one might call a "closeted" chaser/encourager. I'm currently in a long term relationship with another man, who is on the larger side, and often all I can think about is getting him bigger. Unfortunately, I feel the last thing he wants is to get heavier. I haven't been upfront with him about my fixation on his weight, or the fact that I'm a chaser, and I was wondering if you could direct me to a positive community of people who I could talk this out with.

Many Thanks,

H

Dear H,

There are a huge (pun) number of internet sites that involve eye candy for those with your interests--but there's a limited number that easily allow useful/helpful communication between members on complicated topics like how one becomes a more effective "chaser/encourager."

Two that I would highly recommend because they maintain very active forums for discussion and because members tend to be supportive are:

www.BellyBuilders.com

and

www.FantasyFeeder.com

Both have been around for years and have a "search" function so you can pull up a lot of information on your question for fast assistance. 

 The Bellybuilders site is specifically focused on male bellies (and those who admire them) and has both a "Lurkers" forum (for those who are new to the "scene" and want to introduce themselves and ask basic questions like the ones you have) and a "Bellytalk" forum where you can ask board members to support your aim of having a larger partner. 

Fantasyfeeder is more slanted towards BBW, but is relatively GLBTQ friendly and has a separate Forum for their GLBTQ members. Fantasyfeeder has a number of options--if you go to the top and click "forum" scroll down to "Sexy and Fantasy" and the "Weight-Gain" forum would be a great place for you to start.

Good luck on getting a chubby hubby!

I'm 14 Years Old...I Don't Want To Wait To Gain...

 I'm 14 years old and have found myself interested in gaining. I thought that if I get a head start now, it can be good as I'll have a better chance of being big when I'm older. I don't want to wait to gain, and I'd rather do it now. However the drawbacks to me would be what other people would say. Being a normal weight (128lbs at 5'8), it would be a shock for people if I gained until I was, well, fat. The transformation however would be welcomed greatly.

Also, not having a very good income being only 14, how would you recommend I go about gaining? I'm not looking for any hugely detailed info if you can't find any, just short tips if that's all. 

Thanks J

 *******

 (For you, the questioner-for "short tips," scroll down a few paragraphs to where it reads "original question)

First a word to the “general audience”—Younger people  are a challenge to a lot of potential support groups, which is why most websites restrict admission and/or membership to individuals who are 18 or older because of both legal concerns but also ethical ones in terms of what it means to mentor someone.

For example, a major change in the “Coming Out” process for the GLBTQ community is how much younger people are when they first come out (And hey-14 year old, I’m not implying anything about your own sexual orientation, since you did not—but I’ll answer your question after I make a broader point).  Historically people came out at a much older age—their 20s and sometimes even their 30s (and some people wait until middle-age, if they ever do at all).  Now the average age of coming out is around 15.

Part of this is due to the media and the internet.  Someone who would have no exposure or access to the GBLTQ world is now only a click away—either on a laptop or clicking on the TV.  Historically, one was “initiated” into the GBLTQ community by having a relationship.  These days, one can be a “virgin” but still claim a GBLTQ identity.

However, there’s a homophobic stereotype that “Gay people recruit young people,” and in “the old days,” the reasoning of homophobes was that since a same-sex couple can’t “reproduce” the only way they can “make new ones” is to steal “innocent” children away from their heterosexual parents.  Of course the reality is, the vast majority of GBLTQ are “produced” by heterosexual parents.  Dan Savage, who started the “It Gets Better” campaign talked about how, when a number of teen suicides within the GBLTQ community were discovered, he wanted to work directly with youth, but realized many formal institutions like schools, would not give an openly gay activist permission to speak to students.  He chose Youtube because he didn’t have to get permission to speak directly to young people.  As I type this, there are lawsuits against a number of school districts for their failure to prevent young people being bullied into suicide, and have actually put into practice “silence” in terms of not allowing certain topics to be discussed within classes.

But this all means there is a sad lack of youth mentorship for a lot of young people, who don’t have a place to go, and are shut out of many internet communities until they hit 18.  And look at it this way—4 years (if you’re 14) seems like “forever” because of percentage factors—4 years for a 14 year old means nearly a third of a lifetime.  In the gaining “world” there were a number of sites that were specifically focused on young people as a  peer support group, like Fat Nat’s.  But life moves on, and the lovely FatNat is now an adult and is established on the “regular” gaining sites.

There is, as I mentioned, sometimes criticism on the ethics of answering certain questions, where gaining can potentially lead to health problems.  In my personal experience, I am aware of a lot of 14 year olds who want to do extreme skateboarding, and that can result in a lot more severe and immediate threats to health than an expanded waistline.  The same is true about sex education—my own ethics tell me when someone asks a question, he or she should be given the most appropriate and accurate information possible, and then that person will be in a better position to choose how to act.

Now—back to the original question.

A)     I mentioned that GBLTQ people (and again, I am not implying you are part of that community) are coming out at younger and younger ages—but this is directly connected to the sad reality the number of homeless youth has spiked—because the kids get kicked to the curb by homophobic parents who can’t deal with children who are “different.”  Just so, a young person with few economic resources suddenly finds him/herself abandoned and out on the street.  The “take away,” from this, is that as a 14 year old you are under a lot of pressure to satisfy your parental units as long as you are completely financially dependent upon them.

B)    One of the things you might think about, is taking a part time job that would allow you your own personal source of income to spend on whatever it is you choose to spend it on.  Frankly a lot of parents like the idea of someone your age getting part-time work even if they financially don’t need the additional household income.  Adults are sold on the idea a young person who is working gains all sorts of useful experiences of “responsibility.”  For that reason, it’s a pretty easy “sell” to tell your parents you’d like to get a part time job….do the blah blah blah stuff about how you’re growing up, you want to learn responsibility, and you’d like your own pocket money.  Just don’t tell them that part of this is you want extra cash to gain extra pounds.  Children older than 12 have usually learned you don’t have to tell your parents every single detail of what you do  or why.  Then look for jobs in restaurants—fast food places often hire young people, but regular restaurants hire bus boys—the advantage of working in the food industry is that places that sell food often allow employees food as part of their pay, or let employees eat food at the end of the day when it’s unlikely it will be sold.  The one flaw to this plan is that some places will only hire someone 16 or older because of child labor laws.  But do look into employment opportunities around you—it’s good to have at least some cash to buy things you choose to buy.

If your age prevents you from work opportunities, I would suggest you go to the library and check out several books on bodybuilding.  You don’t have to read them—but leave them where your family members will notice them.  After a couple of days, announce you realize a lot of guys at your school are a lot bigger and stronger than you are, and that you’d like to “get in shape” and get healthier and stronger.  Tell your parents you’d like to start working out.  If you actually play a sport, this is even more convincing.  Then you explain that part of getting bigger and stronger means “improving your food intake.”  For example (and this is true) a personal trainer will tell you if you want to add muscle you need to take in so many grams of protein for every pound you actually weigh. Rather than looking at how much you need to keep your weight at your current 128, look at what you need to be a higher weight.  For example plugging in a desired weight of 145 pounds into a software program:   “Each Day You Should Take In 261 Grams Of Protein” (http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/maki1.htm)

 In general,

• a 3 ounce serving of lean meat, poultry or fish, e.g. 1 medium pork chop, 1 small hamburger, 1/2 of a whole chicken breast, or a small fish fillet provides 21 grams of protein
• a 1/2 cup of cooked beans, 1 ounce of cheese, 1 egg, 2 egg whites, 4 ounces of tofu or 2 tablespoons of peanut butter each provides 7 grams of protein
• one cup of lowfat milk or yogurt provides 8 grams of protein
• one serving of grain products (preferably whole grain) such as a slice of whole wheat bread provides 3 grams of protein (http://www.marathonguide.com/training/articles/Nutrition.cfm)

I hope you can see the challenge of eating 261 grams of protein a day—that’s about five chicken breasts.  This is why, after doing the “I’m going to work out and get bigger and stronger,” you ask your parents to buy you some protein powder to make shakes.  Speaking from personal experience, it’s a lot easier to drink two protein shakes a day (and if you use milk or ice cream to make them, you’ve simply made a very tasty milkshake) than it is to eat five chicken breasts a day.  One word of caution—some protein powders taste a lot better than others.  In an ideal world, an actual gym in your area makes and sells protein shakes their members use after a workout.  Some nutrition stores do the same thing, which gives you an opportunity to taste one before you invest in buying a container.  These protein powders aren’t always cheap, and it’s awful to feel you’ve wasted your money on something you gag on when you try to drink it.  Others are quite delicious and you can do variations with fruit and fruit juices.  Which simply means you’re adding weight by drinking what is basically a fruit smoothie.  You can also ask for advice from a salesperson, or go on line to some bodybuilding sites and ask for taste suggestions there.

C)    Take a moment and look at members of your extended family (your aunts, uncles, cousins) and figure out their size.  If you have a number of plump or fat people in your extended family, then I suspect your parents have a general perception this is “normal” for your family, and I further suspect the attitude is “members of our family may be skinny as adolescents, but as they get older they get a lot bigger.”  If this is true, then you gaining weight is hardly likely to “shock” your family—you’re just doing what the majority of others do.  Also look at the size of guys around your age you know or see.  The truth is in the United States, a significant number of young men are clinically “overweight,” so again—if you put on some pounds, you’re frankly just being normal, and being “normal” doesn’t usually “shock” family members.  Your focus right now is on what an amazing thing it would be for you to be bigger, but in the “big picture” of things, it’s “normal” for you to get bigger.  Parents expect 14 year olds to get bigger when they hit 16 or 18.  In fact, current research would suggest you won’t really “stop” growing until you hit your adult size which is around the age of 24.  This is why I’m also trying to help you put deliberate gaining in the context of “getting bigger and stronger” so your parents will be more supportive of your actions, and more willing to spring for protein powder.

D)    You might also look into when you eat as well.    A number of people report eating something after their regular evening meal, and before they go to bed helps to increase body weight.  Even if you don’t manage to get the protein powder, most households have things like bread, peanut butter, and honey.  Before you go to bed, make yourself 2 or 3 peanut butter and honey sandwiches.  You can use jelly, jam, or nutrella for variety.  But these sandwiches combine protein (peanut butter) carbs (bread) and sugar in a relatively healthy combination—they taste good and are pretty easy to eat.  And again—parents everywhere are accustomed to teenage boys eating all times of the day—because teenage boys are “growing boys” and you can’t grow without fuel.  The other useful thing about sandwiches like this—the ingredients don’t require refrigeration , so you can keep the stuff to make them in your room and make them and eat them in privacy.

E)    Also, start documenting your body changes.  Even if you never share these pictures with anyone else, they are very helpful for you in terms of keeping track of your progress.  It also puts pressure on you in terms of “It’s Wednesday and I don’t feel like eating any more, but I’m supposed to take my progress photo on Friday.  I don’t want to take the picture and see I’ve lost weight, so  I’ll go ahead and have that last slice of cake.”  Photos are also helpful because over time you may look at them and think, “I’m now 250 pounds, but looking back, I think I looked my very best at 235.”  Then you ease up on the food and go back to the size you were happiest with. Also, if you were a very successful gainer and really got big, but in the worst case scenario, you developed a health problem and were told you need to lose weight, the photos would always remind you of how successful you had been at gaining.

F)    Finally, look for some support with other young people.  Use your internet skills to look for say, Yahoo groups that are specifically for teenagers gaining weight.  I would list some, but frankly, a lot of these groups are very active, but as the members age, they often leave and move on to the more “standard” gaining support sites.  That means to find the currently active groups, you need to search for them.  Or for that matter—you have the ability to create your own group for other teens to join.  There are plenty of teen male gainers who are posting on Youtube, and you might correspond with them for tips as well.  I would also, based on feedback from way too many people, suggest you learn how to daily erase your browsing history on your computer so snoopy family members don’t start asking you questions you might not want to answer. You might think parents would not think of looking at the browser history, but sometimes you’d be surprised, and you never know when a cousin or a friend might use your computer and get too curious about your private stuff.  Believe me, in this case—better safe than sorry.

    Best wishes at becoming the man you want to be.

I'm A Young Straight Female Attracted To Bigger Men---

Dear Honourable Professor of Fatology,

Firstly, thanks for providing such an interesting and thought-provoking blog.

I am a young straight female who is attracted to bigger men and, particularly, gaining. 

It goes without saying that my ideal partner is someone to I'm attracted to physically and emotionally/intellectually. However, such a guy is yet to have cropped up. I find myself at present attracted to a guy I get on great with, but he's not my physical type. I am shying away from making a move on him because my only sexual relationship was with a boyfriend of average build and the sex life was poor. Obviously, they are many factors, not just physical, which influence sexual enjoyment, but I am increasingly questioning to what extent sexual preferences are absolute or relative.

 That is to say; if someone identifies themselves as gay, they will probably only enjoy sex with the same gender and heterosexual relations will prove unsatisfactory. Can the same be applied to sexual preferences like fat admiration. Will most FA's only find sexual gratification with a large partner? Are gender preferences and physical preferences considered to be similar? Or are sexual kinks like FA/encouraging only considered comparable to, for example, preferring blondes etc? Though I suspect the answer is that such kinks are full of shades of grey, just like sexual orientation, I'd love to hear your input on the topic.

Thanks in advance,

gainerfan.

****

Yep, it frequently comes down to “shades of grey” and what you are willing to accept in meeting your own needs.

I remember listening a while ago to a radio “therapist” and a man called in and said he was engaged, but kept wondering, “While I care for her, what happens if tomorrow I walk into the post office and I meet the woman who meets all of my desires and needs?  Should I really marry the woman who meets some of them, or hold out until I meet the one who meets all of them?”  This led to a rant (I am pretty sure she had her own issues) of the difference between men and women.  According to her worldview, men hope to meet the woman who meets their needs, and women tend to find someone they enjoy and then “reconstruct” them to meet their needs.  In other words, according to that particular therapist, women will often choose a partner who isn’t a “perfect fit” with the expectation they can eventually reshape them “according to plan.”  She then spent a lot of time berating the caller in terms of how uncommitted he was to his fiancée, and always keeping his eye open for “the right woman” instead.

In your case, based on the radio therapist model,  this would mean getting involved with a guy who meets a lot of your criteria for a partner, and then setting off fattening him up to your erotic standards. A belly makeover.

Does this work?  It certainly can—and frankly, it’s a lot easier to blow up a straight guy than it is for a straight guy to get a female partner to deliberately plump up if she has no interest in this particular kink. A lot of straight men simply don’t feel the same social pressure to keep a 32 inch waist, particularly after they’ve entered into a serious relationship.  They can also feel a sense of “reward” of not having to do the “date” thing anymore, but kick back on the sofa with their female partner, a bowl of nachos, or a nightly bowl of ice cream, as the pounds pile on.  They often don’t internalize a “loss of control” over their bodies, the way many women and gay men do—but are simply following a “script” of “happy coupled people gain happy fat.”  If you follow through with this, you end up with a chubby hubby, but it can lack his eager participation in his own gain, and it can take longer than you might want.

 There’s also a certain ethical concern of your deliberate manipulation of a partner without his awareness of what’s going on.  Of course, if you’re upfront from the start that you prefer bigger guys “but I’m willing to try things out with you because I like you in so many other ways, other than you being too skinny,” your ethics aren’t on the line and you’ve pretty much covered your bases. This can eventually lead to the “win/win” situation where if he does balloon, you’re happy and he’s not fighting it.  From my personal professional experience, this can sometimes lead to a nasty ending, where the relationship fades (not due to the extra weight) and the husband is vicious about “you made me fat!” as an accusation.  This isn’t really related to the extra pounds, but is simply another arrow in his quiver for attacking his ex.

Related to this, you should be aware of something I don’t think I’ve mentioned in other blogs—sometimes, when a relationship gets rocky (again, for reasons outside of the gaining) a partner may accuse an encourager/feeder “You want me fat to make me unattractive to others, so you can force me to stay with you.”  This is so obviously NOT the motivation of someone who wants his or her partner chubbed up—but for someone who is “outside the kink,” it often comes up as a way of making sense of the interaction, particularly if the fattened one has low self-esteem issues, which the additional weight intensifies. (“I’m too fat now for anyone to want me.  It’s his/her fault for making me this way.”)  You might see from this description the low self-esteem partner is not in the healthiest place for a relationship with anyone.  In this case, it’s really not about the kink and the extra pounds.  He would have probably had trouble maintaining the relationship at any weight, and is someone who has challenges with taking personal responsibility for his own actions.  As a spouse, this feels like being married to an adolescent.  It’s also one of the reasons why half of most American marriages end up in divorce.

On another level, I did sex research on Inter-Racial Same-Sex Couples.   One of the questions I asked them was what ethnic group was most erotically attractive to the interviewee.  To my surprise, the answer was rarely matching the actual ethnicity of the partner of the person I was interviewing.  In other words, if he said, “I find Asian men the most erotic,” he was in a long term relationship with an African-American.   I would suggest this indicates the factors that ensure a long term relationship may not include a focused erotic aspect.  Or to put it another way, being with someone who provides you the most erotic charge, may not be the person who provides the other things a long term relationship requires.  Passion can often ebb and flow, and believe me, there are many married couples for whom sexual relations end up lower and lower in priority, as the couples focus on “team work” or simply enduring the challenges of American society, where a couple functions more easily than a single person can.  Finances are easier, and you get a tax break—and if you’re actually married, you get over 1,000 benefits that don’t exist for a same-sex couple under the current federal Defense of Marriage Act.  To be blunt—it isn’t always the fairytale “happily ever after” ending after the vows are said.  Many couples end up with lives of accepting “this is ok,” but not necessarily their dream.

 As I’ve written elsewhere, for most couples there is an inverse relationship to passion (lust) and intimacy.  As one goes up, the other goes down, so as you become more and more familiar (intimate) with a partner, your love-making tends to decline.  This is one of the reasons celebrities and politicians find it so easy to have a fling—a potential partner feels an attraction to the “idea” (image) of the person, rather than to the actual individual.  The spouse who has known the celebrity/politician for years, through the worst of times, through the farts and the drunken messes—is unable to see through the “rose-colored glasses” of the fan.  For example, “Do I really want to seduce you tonight, knowing you’ll probably just get sloppy drunk the way you have the last five times, and I’ll end up having to sleep in the wet spot on the bed…again.  Screw it—I’m just going to watch a movie and go to bed early.”

This is why for many couples “make up sex” is a very hot experience.  If you’ve had a fight, your intimacy declines, which allows the passion to spike.

But let me get back to more specifics regarding the gaining “kink” and what some in this community call “civilians” or “normies.”  To be frank, some have found a relationship with someone outside of the community is an ultimate dealbreaker, and after a number of attempts give up and decide they will only be involved with other community members in the future.  That’s the downside.  But this is frequently related to conflict.  A “civilian” partner is ok being with a (gainer) partner who is 30 pounds “overweight” but loses an erotic response when the partner becomes 150 pounds “overweight.”  An encourager/feeder partner is delighted with a “civilian” partner who balloons up, but when the partner hits his own “last straw” of having outgrown all his clothes and getting teased by his own family and peers as a “fat pig”—the partner declares he’s going on a weight loss regimen.

This is where the whole issue of compromise and what you do and don’t need in a functional relationship comes into play.  If I only had a nickel for every time a patient told me “I don’t really find my partner sexually attractive any longer, and I end up fantasizing I’m with a different partner (or that my partner has become a superchub or that I’ve gained weight).”  I want to emphasize this is not restricted to the gaining community.  It’s a pretty common situation among couples in long term relationships.  Some cope with it by lowering their sexual expectations.  Some have affairs.  Some seek therapy to improve the quality of their relationships. 

Solely based on what you’ve shared, I’m unsure how important the fat “needs” are that you require for your own happiness.  On a personal disclosure level, I have had in my younger days, a number of relationships with men who have worked as professional models but while I cared for them deeply (and still have a loving (and non-sexual) involvement with them), in order to achieve orgasm, I would need to fantasize about being with a heavier guy, or imagine them being a lot better fed.  But this wasn’t their issue—it was mine.  From a personal and professional standpoint, they wanted to keep their six-pack abs.  Gaining didn’t have an erotic component for them, the way it did for me.

You have a tremendous advantage as a straight woman dating straight men.  Unless they are working as professional models, some weight gain is actually to be expected.  But if you want a really big guy (for straight couples, I’ve heard this called “cellulite surfing”) not all standard straight guys are going to accommodate you by doubling their weight.  There’s also a major level of excitement when you’re with someone who is actively involved in the gaining scene that you just don’t get with a partner who constantly bitches that his pants are too tight.

My suggestion?  I tell a lot of clients—“Sometimes you need to know what you don’t want to discover what it is you DO want.”  You may have to go through the experience of being with “civilians” to see if your personal erotic needs can be met to your satisfaction for a long term relationship.

The other question I would have for you—if your eroticism is tied to being with a fat guy, is there a reason you are dating skinny guys that don’t really “float your boat?”  As a therapist, I frequently see individuals who are unconsciously frightened or uncomfortable with the thought of being in a relationship so they are drawn to one that frankly “won’t work.”  I’ve mentioned elsewhere women who have been sexually abused often end up dating closeted gay men because unlike straight guys, the closeted ones don’t pressure a women for sex, and therefore feel “safer.”  This frequently leads to unfulfilled marriages where the woman is not sexually fulfilled and the husband certainly isn’t.  Such marriages can last for many years, but aren’t always the happiest of environments.

You might want to explore what may be stopping you from pursuing a guy who is already a chub, or who has obvious potential to be the man of your (erotic) dreams.  Ultimately it comes down to your own standards.   How necessary is the “fat component” to your own happiness?  Some members of the gaining community end up with “civilian” partners who accept their partner is a bit “strange” and treat the gaining needs as a sort of weird hobby, or an outbreak of cat collecting.  “I don’t really understand this, but I’m willing to put up with it because I love him/her.”  This leads to what we call in psychology “compartmentalization,” where the gaining needs are restricted to doing it on-line or in fantasy, where you focus on doing it with people outside of your primary relationship.  In some cases the partner is fully aware of this “outlet” and sometimes not.  A partner who is aware of the “kink” may give permission for his/her partner to satisfy the feeding/fattening needs with someone outside the relationship.  Again, based on what you’ve shared, you’re in an unusually positive position where you don’t report wanting to gain yourself, but want your partner larger.  You’re not focused on changing yourself where a partner wonders “What happened to the woman I married?”  Most male partners eventually gain in the U.S. anyway, so all you need is patience.  I just don’t know the specifics of your own “kink” where you might need the cooperation and direct involvement of a partner to gain.  If this is a major element of your kink, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to satisfy your erotic needs with a reluctant and underweight partner.

Another thing I often hear—is it shallow that I want a specific type of partner?  Well, how much will the “political correctness” of picking a partner who doesn’t arouse you ultimately satisfy you? Eroticism is only one part of a healthy relationship…but it certainly is a part of one.