How Do I Help A Gainer Understand I'm Not Going To Judge Him?

Hey Man--

I just started to see someone who is a gainer and I'm a bit head over heels for him, but, he's a little uneasy about seeing someone who isn't in the gaining scene. I know I can't change his mind or make him feel comfortable about me not being in the scene, but I want to help him understand that I'm not going to judge him about this or make it an issue. I'm completely fine with it. Any advice?

Sorry if I come off odd about this, but this is so new to me.

Dear "Head Over Heels"

It seems like this is a question that’s coming up a lot but in various forms.  I recently responded to a young straight woman who wonders about being with a skinny guy when she really wants a chub, and another from a guy who is skinny and wonders the same thing.

And now from what I understand of your situation—you like a gainer but you report he’s “uneasy” about seeing a “civilian/normie” (someone not “in the gaining scene”).  Maybe because you aren’t really part of the scene, it may be hard for you to understand exactly what it is he’s uneasy about.  Since I don’t know him, I’m really not in a position to know what it is he’s uneasy about either.

For example, if he’s a gainer who is focused on his own gain, then there’s certainly a possible place for you as an admirer or an encourager.  But if he feels he needs a mutual gainer, then you being a “standard” size may be a deal breaker for him.  You get trapped in the “friend” category rather than the potential boyfriend one.

Another spin on this—I’m American Indian.  That’s not something I “do,” but it’s a fundamental part of who I “am.”  One of my “best” in the “sack” ex’s I had met so many of my erotic and relationship needs, but he was a second generation Greek-American and just could never wrap his head around why my being American Indian (and my family) meant so much to me.  As a result, he felt frustrated with the idea I was “overdoing the Indian thing.”  Let me tell you—there’s a HUGE difference between feeling tolerated and feeling cherished and embraced.  And frankly, that’s the sense I got when I read your statement “…but I want to help him understand that I'm not going to judge him about this or make it an issue,”  well, that comes off as “tolerating,” rather than “celebrating.”  You might want to more closely examine exactly what it is that makes you feel “head over heels” about him.  Is it primarily about his personality?  Did he first capture your attention because he has some “meat on his bones?”   If there’s a physical attraction then you might want to take some “baby steps” into the gaining community.  Of course, you might have some limitations, where you find him sexy now, but as a gainer, he’s only going to get bigger.  Are you worried that with another 30 or another 80 pounds, you’d be turned off?

If his size is “part of the whole package” you’re willing to accept, then consider telling him you find him very attractive and you’d like to explore what might be exciting and fun for the both of you.  This means having him be specific about what sort of things would be a turn on for him.  Does he want to be fed?  Does he want to be humiliated? Does he want his new flab rubbed and played with?  What role does he want with a partner?

For example,  would you be willing to tell him you’d like to try gaining a few pounds to get a sense of his experience?  I’m not asking if you’d be willing to suddenly become a superchub, but would you be willing—if it’s something could shift you to the “potential boyfriend” stage, to spend some time sharing a pizza or cheesecake and doing an “eating contest,” if that would be a turn on for him?  Kicking a relationship up a notch is always about taking a risk.  Are you willing to take a risk, even if it means gaining a few pounds, with the understanding you always have the option of dropping them later on?  Again, I’m not suggesting anything extreme, but really just “indulging” while you’re together. A 10-15 pound gain is something that may arouse him, but is still small enough where it’s something you can “hide” from others not in the “scene,” or hell, for that matter, this is 2011 when a significant number of people are overweight anyway.  Gaining some pudge is a pretty normal experience where family and friends may just assume it’s natural for you to “let yourself go” a bit—you can even joke about it—that you need to cut back on the cookies and start hitting the gym.  If you and Mr.Gainer are out about being same-sex focused, then again—a lot of people who have no connection to the gainer community will simply see a couple who are experiencing the “happy fat” stage.  It’s very common for new couples who are happy with each other to gain weight—and again, this includes folks who are not involved (or even know about) the gainer scene.

If this is a scary thought—then that’s a good thing to find out now.  And it may be part of why Mr. Gainer may have some hesitation about becoming more deeply involved with you.  Since you’re not really that familiar with the gaining community, you might want to take some time and read through some of the threads on www.bellybuilders.com and www.fantasyfeeder.com to discover what “real” members of the gaining community find exciting.  And frankly, some of those  may be things you’re just not willing to do.  For example, a number of gainers get aroused when a partner tells them how out of control they are, or how they’ve become a disgusting fat pig.  This is not something I feel comfortable doing myself.  But if you have some familiarity with the range of options you have in terms of “playing” with a gainer, when you do ask  about what sort of things would please him, you won’t  react like a deer in the headlights, or give the “WTF Face”—both of which would re-enforce him being uneasy with being with someone “not in the scene.”

The bottom line, at least for me?  Based on what you’ve shared, you would like to take your involvement with Mr. Gainer to a richer level, but you don’t know how and you need to ask if you’re willing to take the risk to advance your (possible) relationship.  If you’re not willing to move forward, then frankly, Mr. Gainer was right in being uneasy with the thought of you as anything other than a friend.  If you start in the direction of deepening your (potential) relationship, and you discover being with a gainer isn’t really what floats your boat—then it’s best to discover it sooner rather than later.  If, as Mr. Gainer suspects, you’re not boyfriend material,  it may be best for both of you to be free to find more appropriate partners. 

Finally—there’s something a lot of guys call “chemistry” and they feel it’s something you have or you don’t, and if the “chemistry” isn’t there, a boyfriend/partner relationship just won’t work.  A lot of women feel if they “do the right things” a relationship can blossom.  It’s the sort of thing where someone looks at a house and thinks “I could never live there,” and another person looks at the same house and thinks, “What a fixer-upper! I can see so much potential here!”  Just to cover all the bases—while you may be “head over heels” for him, there’s the possibility he just doesn’t feel “chemistry” with you and is just using the “gainer scene” as a way of gently pushing you away.

Good luck—again, this can go in so many different directions—but if you don’t try to advance your possibilities, I can pretty much guarantee as things now stand as you describe them, nothing much more is going to happen and you’ll end up either watching Mr. Gainer through the window while he finds a boyfriend, or you’ll  get stuck as “just a friend.”