How Do I let My Friends Know I've Gained 30 Pounds?

Professor Fatology,

I am a gainer and have put on about 30 pounds in college (all on accident). But since I've been somewhat self conscious of my weight gain I was too shy to show off my growing belly. However, now I want to show it off but don't want people to think I've gained 30 pounds overnight because they've never seen my belly hidden by my bigger clothes (plus, I've been sucking it in a lot, too). What should I do? Should I gradually show off my belly by letting it out more and more over time or let it all out at once?

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  In my experience, (and advanced age, cough-cough), I have discovered a number of things

.1)  If you’ve gained 30 pounds, then a lot of the people you know have noticed you’re bigger, even if they haven’t realized it’s 30 pounds as opposed to 10. Or as a film maker once said, “Gluttony is not a secret sin.”  People who are going to notice have already noticed, and obviously, haven’t mentioned it.

2) Frankly, a lot of people adjust to things very quickly. The fact someone’s friend has put on some weight is one of those, “Oh, look, you’ve been eating well.” Then everyone goes out to see a movie. Unless I’m your tailor and need to let out your pants, whether you have a 28 inch waist or a 36 inch one, just doesn’t make the front page news. Well, ok, if you’re part of an Olympic swim team, then, yeah, gaining 30 pounds (Did you know Michael Phelps gained around 25 pounds after he won all those medals in 2008? He stopped swimming and enjoyed himself and got as flabby as Michael Phelps gets.), then developing a belly might be a concern to someone.  But I’m going to bet you’re not on an Olympic swim team.

  3)  The best defense is a good offense.  That means you’ve been waiting around for the last 30 pounds for someone to notice.  And while you can suck your belly in while you’re thinking about it, you sometimes forget to do so. People who notice this sort of thing have already noticed.  And if you’ve ever seen a more recent photo of K-Fed, Britney Spear’s ex-husband and baby-daddy, wearing large clothes doesn’t make you look skinny.  It just makes you look as if you’re trying to hide your belly underneath large clothes. I mean, look at him in that white XL t-shirt. Does it make him look skinny? Nah....

So—here’s my suggestion. The next time you’re out with your friends in a bar (don’t know your age) or eating establishment, order a lot and laugh out loud and say to your friends, “Can you believe how fat I’m getting? I think I passed the Freshman Fifteen the first week of this semester!” Then do what you see hundreds and hundreds of college guys doing on-line.  Pull up your shirt and pat your belly.  The whole point of this is putting yourself in control.  You’re the one who is both letting your friends know you’ve gained—you’re aware of it—and you give them permission to talk about it—and most importantly-you’re ok with it.  Here’s the way to make this work. You need to exaggerate. This is how human nature works. If you say, “When I go to the beach,  people keep thinking I’m a beached whale and they try to push me back in the water.” The more outrageous you make it, the more likely you’ll get the response, “You’re not that fat!”  If you've gained 30 pounds, say, "I bet I've packed on at least 50 pounds!"  This is what we call a “win/win.” The reality is, you’ve gained 30 pounds, and it’s pretty likely you’ll gain more. You want this to be a situation where you say you’re fat, and your friends go, “So?” Or you say you’re really fat and your friends say, “Oh, you’re not that fat.”  The bottom line is you’re no longer thinking about keeping a secret, which to be honest with 30 new pounds, you haven’t really been keeping this a secret.

You can add, “I’m enjoying this so much I might need all new clothes for Christmas!” Then laugh. And pick up a slice of pizza (or a mug of beer) and suck it down.  And that’s the end of it.  I would also suggest you look around because I bet more than one of your friends hasn’t been able to button the top button of the jeans they arrived in.

And again—look around your campus. Statistically, there are a lot of chunky college students who aren’t going to be getting any smaller—they’re just going to get chubbier.   Just like you. You’re fitting in fine.  You’ll just be taking up some additional space.  And you know what? I bet you will be needing new clothes for Christmas. 

I’ll make one more prediction—when you lift up your shirt and pat your belly and laugh, I’m going to bet some of the other guys at your table are going to lift up their shirts and pat their bellies and laugh as well.  This is one of those “monkey see-monkey do” things.  Enjoy it.  And enjoy those 30 pounds which are going to be making some new friends over the holidays.