How Do I Not Automatically Fall For A Guy Interested In Me?

Hey if you don't mind, I do have one question that I guess you could use as a blog post if you'd like (but I'd like my name redacted if that's the case):Thing is, I generally don't see myself as a needy guy. I'm very independent; hell, I'm living in a foreign country constantly speaking a language that isn't my native tongue. But outside of my typical independent nature, I have a very strong dependence on guys. The second someone shows me the remotest inkling of positive attention, I go loopy and fall head-over-heels for one or two weeks. This process has been on repeat for I don't even know how long now, and I'd really like to get more control over it — not only for myself, but because I probably end up hurting guys I overindulge in the process.

I don't see myself as someone with low self-esteem (though I definitely used to be), yet this doesn't stop and I need some perspective or some tips on how to not let myself feel instantly wooed and attracted by men whom I consider my type that are friendly toward me.

Any help would be hugely appreciated. 

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Dear Redacted,

One of the fundamentals we’re taught as Family Therapists is that families need to periodically renew themselves to be healthy. To put it another way, if a family only gets together for a funeral or a special event like a wedding, this sort of “recharging” of the family as a whole doesn’t happen.  A family reunion, or the family gathering together for a specific holiday, where everyone knows it will happen each year, and everyone attends—does seem to keep the family healthy (unless there are dysfunctional elements, where everyone hates Christmas dinner at Grandmother’s because Uncle John will get drunk again, and Cousin Beth and Cousin Emma will get into another one of their famous fights).  The point here for me is if you’re like many who find themselves in a foreign land, speaking another language, your support system may be operating without a lot of safety nets. That means you’re most likely not only isolated on a number of levels from your family, but from your old friends and former schoolmates.

Like a lot of us, you may have a certain dependence on social media, where you can still feel connected and can communicate with those who are important to you. For people who have more “specialized” interests, such as gaining, sites like Grommr, Beefyfrat, Bellybuilders, or Fantasyfeeder—may feel like a lifeline to grab on to in a sea of people who don’t share your kink. After a stressful day, it’s easy to kick back, change into stretchy pants and hit Facebook/twitter/grommr/etc., connecting to the people who have some level of importance in your life.

There is some interesting on-going research on just how much social media has started to change our lives, particularly those who grow up with it as their “first language.” This alters concepts of privacy. It also means young people (as in adolescents) no longer have the luxury of changing self expression.  To put it another way, pre-Facebook, young people would often “try on” different personalities. They would play with accents and background stories.  They would explore fantasies about what they wanted to be “when they grew up.” They had many options, and would eventually settle for what seemed to be the best match for them, and that helped shape their adulthood.  But for younger people who grow up with social media, their “persona” (which is different from their “personality.” A “persona” is the public face you present to the world) usage has changed. Because social media can mean an almost constant observation of one’s persona that means unlike yesterday’s “flexible” persona, the persona can become rigid at an early age, and one can no longer easily “re-invent” oneself. For many, one of the treasures of college was you were leaving high school, and you could create a whole new person in your new environment where no one had ever met you. But now, whatever you were in Middle School or High School is hard to scrub from the Internet. On one level there is no “starting over.”

If you are relatively isolated on a social level, it’s easy to latch on to the Internet to feel connected. But this means what you’re sharing is ultimately your persona, with perhaps some hints of the “real” you for people you trust, or are starting to trust.  But that’s just as true for people you “meet” on Grommr or other sites. You only know what other people choose to share with you. But as a human being, you have an amazing talent at what is called “projection,” where you tend to “fill in the blanks,” so you start fleshing out the person(s) you don’t really know.  If you dislike the person, you will tend to project negative qualities onto the person, and carefully read his comments and profile through a filter of distaste.  But if you find the person attractive, you will tend to project positive qualities. As the MEN Venn Diagram indicates, there are a lot of overlaps that determine a specific individual.

I attended a workshop on same-sex relationships, and the facilitator asked participants to write down 50 things he or she found attractive in a potential partner. This might be such characteristics as hair or eye color, height, belly size, age, interest in music, etc. But she was very firm about the idea what’s most attractive about someone is if we feel that person is attracted to us. Which leads us back to your original question. No matter how independent a person can effectively be, on a “hardware” level of humanity, like all primates, we are social animals and need some degree of human contact. I’ve mentioned in earlier posts two concepts—one is the idea of the Love Map—this is about your “erotic landscape.” It’s about what turns you on, like the 50 things that workshop leader was asking for participants to write down. But coupled with the Love Map is something called “limerance.” This is a “made up” term because the concept doesn’t exist in English.  It’s the idea if I’m in a happy relationship, and someone walks by who matches 70% of my Love Map, I might think, “Wow, what a hot guy,” and then I go back to the keyboard and go on with my work. But if I’m in a very unhappy relationship, my limerance is impacted, and that means when I see someone who only matches 30% of my Love Map, my eyes bulge, my tongue falls out and Mr. Happy down there gets very happy. But it also means I can end up with "buyer's remorse," where I wake up the next morning and mutter, "What the hell was I thinking?"

 

I’m going to suggest that your relative social isolation and use of social media means your limerance level may be responding to others who respond to you in the way a starving person will be happy to stick just about anything in his mouth, but a well fed person is going to be a lot more picky about what they choose to put on their plate. I suspect it might help if you go back and think about what it was like when you weren’t in a foreign country, speaking a language that isn’t your native one—for example, perhaps in college. Did you have this same tendency to “over respond” to any guy who flashed a smile at you, or seemed to express some interest in you? You indicate you’ve had self-esteem issues in the past, and this might have also interfered with you having more “hands on” experience with dating other guys or being in a relationship. If this is true, then you have even fewer skill sets to help you cope with guys who trigger a major crush, making it easier to do your “head over heels” acrobatic act.

I want to emphasize crushing on guys isn’t a bad thing—it’s just a human thing. But your current social and employment situation may mean this is being intensified in a way you’re now questioning. Someone demonstrating an attraction to you can be, as the workshop leader stated, a real turn-on. I would suggest you try out a couple of things.

First, go ahead and make up your 50 attractions list.  When you’re done, look at it very carefully, because as the facilitator pointed out, these particular attractions may end up “blinding” us to potential partners who don’t match those 50 items. This would mean if you are thrilled by a dark haired bear, you might never bother to check out a smooth blonde, who might have ended up as your best boyfriend. When you realize what your restrictions have been, it can greatly increase your options and possibilities that may lead you to “Mr. Right.”

Second, when you feel yourself starting to “fall again,” and about to repeat the pattern you’ve identified, take a break.  Invest in a journal/notebook—or be 21^st century and use a laptop or mobile device—and start documenting what you’re experiencing. Be as specific as possible about writing down what it is that’s getting you so excited.  And this is again human “hardware.” People who turn you on are doing fascinating things on a biochemical/neurological level within your body. For some individuals, this can have the same wallop as recreational drugs. But like recreational drugs, your body tends to “habituate” to them.  That means after a while of having the same “dose,” you will need to increase the “dose” in order to get the same level of “high.”  On a relationship/sexual level, for people who are really turned on by “the chase,” once they’ve “won” a relationship, it no longer provides that giddy feeling. The loss of the thrill can also be due to the fact the better you know the actual person, the more you lose access to the “persona” that might have been what really attracted you in the first place.  

This reality is what can lead to “serial” relationships, or what we call in therapy, “the dance away lover.” This is someone who crashes into your life, turns it upside down, and when you’re “hooked,” will then leave you for someone else and will repeat this pattern all over again.

Psychologically, sitting down and journaling about your experience means you are no longer experiencing your interaction on a “direct” level, but on a “meta-cognitive” level. By the way, not experiencing things directly, and seeing your actual life like a movie or a video, is the cause of a lot of sexual dysfunction.  If when you’re with a partner and your mind is racing with thoughts like, “Am I doing this too fast? Too rough? Will he notice I accidentally lost a few pounds? Should I have shaved?”—that means you’re not really “there.” You’re not inside your body-you’re inside your head.

And this is where you want to be (inside your head/journal), observing, commenting on, and recording your experiences/responses/behaviors. It’s what can disrupt the pattern you report becoming automatic to you. Once you’ve learned to do this effectively, you can then go back with a clearer head which will allow you to make more appropriate decisions in how you want to relate (or not) to other guys.

Hello.

Recently found the blog you write and I'd like some advice.

I am a 14 year old gainer. I began to get fat at 7 years. Didn't think about it back then. At 10 I first began to think about it, and after a while enjoy it. At 11 I discovered the gaining community at YouTube and realized I might be one of them. At 12 I began to gain, as far as possible for a 12 year old. I come from a big family though so no one really cared all that much. I've been fairly successful, mostly from overeating at meals and my general lack of moving. I'm a gamer and spend most of my time here, at the computer. I am 242 lbs now at 14, with a current goal of 350-400 at 25 years.

However, I have doubts to. first of all, a friend of mine half my weight recently got diabetes and I'm worried I'll get it to. Secondly, my mom has started complaining about the rate we have to get new clothes. I'm currently growing both upwards and outwards so I need new clothes often and money is a bit tight for us now. It has also made her aware about my size and she's recently began to hint towards exercise and less eating. Thirdly, I'm only 14, will being this big and getting bigger at this age give me any extra conditions? I'm not full grown yet and I'm worried my weight might effect me maturing.

And last, is there any sites for younger gainers, all the ones I've found are for adults only.

Also, how do you personally feel about people my age gaining? I think you once addressed it before but I'd like to know more detailed what you think about teens gaining.

Hope you can offer me some good advice :)

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Ok—my personal attitude about young people is this—I was on the Board of Directors for SIECUS (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States)—we provided the most sex-ed curriculum for schools than any other agency.  I feel about sex and gaining in the same way.  As an adult, if I tell anyone, (including you) not to do something—well, duh—what are the chances you’ll go ahead and do it? Adults can control a lot of things, but like the Church and the Government, they can only attempt to control your behavior—never your feelings or your sexuality.  That means I treat gaining the same way I do safe-sex. I want everyone to have the best information possible to help them make a decision about their own choices—but they ultimately make their own choices. But I think one of the worst things adults can do is pretend young people won’t “do things” we don’t always want them to do.

I think a general attitude in the gaining community is useful.  Many in general society choose to engage in potentially risky behavior.  This might involve bungee-jumping, rock-climbing, race-cars, or smoking.  Is it safer for you in the “big picture” if you never bungee-jump, rock-climb, race, or smoke? Absolutely. Actually a major life risk is to get into an automobile. Even if you’re a perfect driver, there’s every chance some imperfect driver might plow into you.  Life is, as we say in health care, a “self-limiting condition.” 

That means whether you eat all organic food, keep your body fat percentage at a single digit, and exercise three hours a day, you know what? You will still eventually die.  I think a real wake-up call from before you were born was the “running guru,” Jim Fixx, who really kicked off the running movement.  And then he dropped dead while running from a pre-existing heart condition he didn’t know he had.  The point?  It doesn’t matter what you do, or don’t do—you still die.  The real point? What you do before you die is what counts—and what are “quality of life” issues.  For example I hired a personal fitness trainer and for over two years, I never ate a cookie or a piece of bread. Is denying yourself pleasure really worth it in the long time? That is something you can only answer for yourself—but it’s a very important question.

You always have the options to gain in the healthiest way possible.  For example, diabetes is about how your body processes sugars and insulin. You’ve just told me someone “half your weight” (around 120 pounds?) developed diabetes. There are more than one type of diabetes, and for someone barely 100 pounds to have it probably isn’t about having too many pieces of pie.

There are absolutely individuals who report by changing their food intake (dropping off sugar intake) after they had been diagnosed with diabetes, who have gotten to the point where they did not need medical intervention (such as insulin injections) but still returned to gaining after changing their food intake.  Keeping active also makes a big difference in keeping you as healthy as possible, whether it’s at the gym, or simply doing 30 minutes of walking a day (a dog is so helpful to force you to get out of the house). Always remember active Sumo wrestlers can be twice your size but still professional athletes

Ultimately, I support a feminist view, which is “My body, my rules,” which means as a bottom line, a person should be in control of his or her personhood. That also means an individual should take responsibility for the consequences as well. That means a number of gainers decide the pleasure of their bodies can be worth the “costs” of being a bigger person.  It also means a number of people who want to gain make a decision not to gain precisely because of the costs of gaining, and may end up meeting their needs by padding, inflation, bloating, or other methods where they can at least temporarily end up bigger, but without the physical costs of actually getting fatter.  You might want to explore these avenues as well. This is as true for someone 14 or 44. The major difference is that as a young person, you have a dependency on your family in terms of survival and support.  Someone ten years older than you are, who is financially independent and living on their own, has a much wider range of options than you do. Which is why some younger people decide to do what they can, but accept they may postpone active gaining until they are no longer under their parents’ roof.

Let me add for most humans, they don’t achieve their ultimate growth until around the age of 24.  That means even if you don’t decide to actively gain at this point in time, the chances are your parents are still going to have to buy you new clothes because as you point out, even if you don’t continue to “grow out,” you’re still going to get taller, which means you’ll need larger clothing regardless of your waist size.

I’ve also contacted someone that set up a website for young gainers when he was an early teen.  Many younger people were active on his site, but like him, when they became older teens, joined on-line gainer sites and started interacting with other older teens and adults, and left those who were under 18 behind.  I’ve emailed him on your behalf, asking if he knows of active sites for younger gainers, but have not heard back from him at this point.  I would suggest you go to Yahoo.com and search under “groups” and see if you can find an active one for younger gainers.  To be frank, Yahoo groups come and go, so there are some established for younger gainers that “exist” on-line but are no longer posting anything.  But you always have the option of creating your own free Yahoo group for young gainers, because there will always be people around your age who want the same sort of things you want.

For Those Who Visit This Site---

To the lovely folks who visit this site--gaining "stuff" isn't my entire life or focus, although it's a significant aspect of it, and the SigO (and I got a European question of what's a "SigO"--it's short for "Significant Other."  I personally like the term "Significant Same," but have never gotten a SigO to accept that) takes a lot of attention. I have a number of people who contact me via "ProfessorFatology@gmail.com" and that's terrific.  But several ask me to not post their questions and my responses on-line, which means I respond without updating the blog.  The point-if you see that I don't update all the time--it doesn't mean I'm ignoring people, or I'm off on some orgy (lol-I wish--well, maybe not--the SigO doesn't like to "share").

So--yes-if you e-mail me directly, and ask, I don't share the correspondence on this site, I will respect that, but for those of you who are just interested in reading up on "fatology," remember I'm very careful to do nothing to identify the person who e-mails me, but in all honesty, while a lot of you think "I'mTheOnlyOneInTheWorld" who is "into" this "stuff"--I felt the same way when I was younger.

Frankly, I think it's really healthier if folks in the gaining community discover there are others who have similar questions and conclusions.  For that reason, I think it's better if I get to respond to questions in this "public" forum than in private e-mails, simply because my response to "Gainer in Texas" may be helpful to a gainer in Ohio or Oslo.

UPDATE: One of my favorite lines from the old Buffy The Vampire TV Series: "Well, that's something you don't see everyday--unless you're me!" Right after I uploaded this, the SigO (who is taking the day off before he leaves for a trip out of state) yells, "So where are apps?!" (And for those of you who don't speak his version of English, "Apps" in this case means "appetizers.") For lunch we had gone to an India buffet, which we both enjoy  He doesn't want me to do things like curries, because he feels their scents tend to linger in the condo.  As a result, we only go to the India place every 6 weeks or so, but we greatly enjoy it, and it's an extremely high quality, as in, they hired a special chef and this is not the sort of generic India food one finds in most places.  Normally one of the owners (we suspect he's gay) actually orders for us, but we normally come for dinner and he wasn't there.  After the SigO had been back for a second large plate, one of the staff came up and pushed dessert.  Let me give a context--the SigO, now at his highest weight, kicked in his periodic, "OMG, gotta go to the gym," which lasts a few weeks, at which point his newest clothes are no longer tight, at which point he feels this is too much work and then gains back any weight he's lost and then some more for good measure. As an example--we stopped off to deposit the rent check to our landlord and then while I went to pick up something for dinner, he wandered around. When we got home he came over and said, "Want a pumpkin macaroon?"  Nice to know when he's been trying to lose weight, his first food choice is a package of cookies.

I suspect when the staff looks at someone who is at least 260 who waddles through the door, their first thought is not, "I hope he likes the buffet."  But this time, a new skinny staffer came to us when we had finished and he pushed dessert (a closet encourager?).  This was one of my awkward moments, where this is one of those  places that calls food their actual names in India, and doesn't bother with any translation.  Which works fine when one of the owners just orders for us.  But the person pushing dessert was only able to hesitantly explain this one is made with chickpea flour, and this one is made with wheat flour. Fortunately, the SigO agreed to test-taste what was there. And he greatly enjoyed them all.

Which is why, a few hours before we normally have dinner when he comes home from work (I work at home on-line), he was asking about appetizers, and that threw me a bit.  But--hey--as if a really good encourager isn't prepared.  I did a round of potstickers before doing the prep for a pork stir-fry.