How Do I Not Automatically Fall For A Guy Interested In Me?

Hey if you don't mind, I do have one question that I guess you could use as a blog post if you'd like (but I'd like my name redacted if that's the case):Thing is, I generally don't see myself as a needy guy. I'm very independent; hell, I'm living in a foreign country constantly speaking a language that isn't my native tongue. But outside of my typical independent nature, I have a very strong dependence on guys. The second someone shows me the remotest inkling of positive attention, I go loopy and fall head-over-heels for one or two weeks. This process has been on repeat for I don't even know how long now, and I'd really like to get more control over it — not only for myself, but because I probably end up hurting guys I overindulge in the process.

I don't see myself as someone with low self-esteem (though I definitely used to be), yet this doesn't stop and I need some perspective or some tips on how to not let myself feel instantly wooed and attracted by men whom I consider my type that are friendly toward me.

Any help would be hugely appreciated. 

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Dear Redacted,

One of the fundamentals we’re taught as Family Therapists is that families need to periodically renew themselves to be healthy. To put it another way, if a family only gets together for a funeral or a special event like a wedding, this sort of “recharging” of the family as a whole doesn’t happen.  A family reunion, or the family gathering together for a specific holiday, where everyone knows it will happen each year, and everyone attends—does seem to keep the family healthy (unless there are dysfunctional elements, where everyone hates Christmas dinner at Grandmother’s because Uncle John will get drunk again, and Cousin Beth and Cousin Emma will get into another one of their famous fights).  The point here for me is if you’re like many who find themselves in a foreign land, speaking another language, your support system may be operating without a lot of safety nets. That means you’re most likely not only isolated on a number of levels from your family, but from your old friends and former schoolmates.

Like a lot of us, you may have a certain dependence on social media, where you can still feel connected and can communicate with those who are important to you. For people who have more “specialized” interests, such as gaining, sites like Grommr, Beefyfrat, Bellybuilders, or Fantasyfeeder—may feel like a lifeline to grab on to in a sea of people who don’t share your kink. After a stressful day, it’s easy to kick back, change into stretchy pants and hit Facebook/twitter/grommr/etc., connecting to the people who have some level of importance in your life.

There is some interesting on-going research on just how much social media has started to change our lives, particularly those who grow up with it as their “first language.” This alters concepts of privacy. It also means young people (as in adolescents) no longer have the luxury of changing self expression.  To put it another way, pre-Facebook, young people would often “try on” different personalities. They would play with accents and background stories.  They would explore fantasies about what they wanted to be “when they grew up.” They had many options, and would eventually settle for what seemed to be the best match for them, and that helped shape their adulthood.  But for younger people who grow up with social media, their “persona” (which is different from their “personality.” A “persona” is the public face you present to the world) usage has changed. Because social media can mean an almost constant observation of one’s persona that means unlike yesterday’s “flexible” persona, the persona can become rigid at an early age, and one can no longer easily “re-invent” oneself. For many, one of the treasures of college was you were leaving high school, and you could create a whole new person in your new environment where no one had ever met you. But now, whatever you were in Middle School or High School is hard to scrub from the Internet. On one level there is no “starting over.”

If you are relatively isolated on a social level, it’s easy to latch on to the Internet to feel connected. But this means what you’re sharing is ultimately your persona, with perhaps some hints of the “real” you for people you trust, or are starting to trust.  But that’s just as true for people you “meet” on Grommr or other sites. You only know what other people choose to share with you. But as a human being, you have an amazing talent at what is called “projection,” where you tend to “fill in the blanks,” so you start fleshing out the person(s) you don’t really know.  If you dislike the person, you will tend to project negative qualities onto the person, and carefully read his comments and profile through a filter of distaste.  But if you find the person attractive, you will tend to project positive qualities. As the MEN Venn Diagram indicates, there are a lot of overlaps that determine a specific individual.

I attended a workshop on same-sex relationships, and the facilitator asked participants to write down 50 things he or she found attractive in a potential partner. This might be such characteristics as hair or eye color, height, belly size, age, interest in music, etc. But she was very firm about the idea what’s most attractive about someone is if we feel that person is attracted to us. Which leads us back to your original question. No matter how independent a person can effectively be, on a “hardware” level of humanity, like all primates, we are social animals and need some degree of human contact. I’ve mentioned in earlier posts two concepts—one is the idea of the Love Map—this is about your “erotic landscape.” It’s about what turns you on, like the 50 things that workshop leader was asking for participants to write down. But coupled with the Love Map is something called “limerance.” This is a “made up” term because the concept doesn’t exist in English.  It’s the idea if I’m in a happy relationship, and someone walks by who matches 70% of my Love Map, I might think, “Wow, what a hot guy,” and then I go back to the keyboard and go on with my work. But if I’m in a very unhappy relationship, my limerance is impacted, and that means when I see someone who only matches 30% of my Love Map, my eyes bulge, my tongue falls out and Mr. Happy down there gets very happy. But it also means I can end up with "buyer's remorse," where I wake up the next morning and mutter, "What the hell was I thinking?"

 

I’m going to suggest that your relative social isolation and use of social media means your limerance level may be responding to others who respond to you in the way a starving person will be happy to stick just about anything in his mouth, but a well fed person is going to be a lot more picky about what they choose to put on their plate. I suspect it might help if you go back and think about what it was like when you weren’t in a foreign country, speaking a language that isn’t your native one—for example, perhaps in college. Did you have this same tendency to “over respond” to any guy who flashed a smile at you, or seemed to express some interest in you? You indicate you’ve had self-esteem issues in the past, and this might have also interfered with you having more “hands on” experience with dating other guys or being in a relationship. If this is true, then you have even fewer skill sets to help you cope with guys who trigger a major crush, making it easier to do your “head over heels” acrobatic act.

I want to emphasize crushing on guys isn’t a bad thing—it’s just a human thing. But your current social and employment situation may mean this is being intensified in a way you’re now questioning. Someone demonstrating an attraction to you can be, as the workshop leader stated, a real turn-on. I would suggest you try out a couple of things.

First, go ahead and make up your 50 attractions list.  When you’re done, look at it very carefully, because as the facilitator pointed out, these particular attractions may end up “blinding” us to potential partners who don’t match those 50 items. This would mean if you are thrilled by a dark haired bear, you might never bother to check out a smooth blonde, who might have ended up as your best boyfriend. When you realize what your restrictions have been, it can greatly increase your options and possibilities that may lead you to “Mr. Right.”

Second, when you feel yourself starting to “fall again,” and about to repeat the pattern you’ve identified, take a break.  Invest in a journal/notebook—or be 21^st century and use a laptop or mobile device—and start documenting what you’re experiencing. Be as specific as possible about writing down what it is that’s getting you so excited.  And this is again human “hardware.” People who turn you on are doing fascinating things on a biochemical/neurological level within your body. For some individuals, this can have the same wallop as recreational drugs. But like recreational drugs, your body tends to “habituate” to them.  That means after a while of having the same “dose,” you will need to increase the “dose” in order to get the same level of “high.”  On a relationship/sexual level, for people who are really turned on by “the chase,” once they’ve “won” a relationship, it no longer provides that giddy feeling. The loss of the thrill can also be due to the fact the better you know the actual person, the more you lose access to the “persona” that might have been what really attracted you in the first place.  

This reality is what can lead to “serial” relationships, or what we call in therapy, “the dance away lover.” This is someone who crashes into your life, turns it upside down, and when you’re “hooked,” will then leave you for someone else and will repeat this pattern all over again.

Psychologically, sitting down and journaling about your experience means you are no longer experiencing your interaction on a “direct” level, but on a “meta-cognitive” level. By the way, not experiencing things directly, and seeing your actual life like a movie or a video, is the cause of a lot of sexual dysfunction.  If when you’re with a partner and your mind is racing with thoughts like, “Am I doing this too fast? Too rough? Will he notice I accidentally lost a few pounds? Should I have shaved?”—that means you’re not really “there.” You’re not inside your body-you’re inside your head.

And this is where you want to be (inside your head/journal), observing, commenting on, and recording your experiences/responses/behaviors. It’s what can disrupt the pattern you report becoming automatic to you. Once you’ve learned to do this effectively, you can then go back with a clearer head which will allow you to make more appropriate decisions in how you want to relate (or not) to other guys.