I Want To Gain--But...

Hi Professor,

First I should say that I know you from your blog, which was for me a sort of introduction to the gaining process. Thanks for making it because it helped me to realize that I was not the only one excited about gaining.

I could tell you more about my story if you like. But to make it short, I have always been overweight. I'm now trying to deal with gaining intentionally... I'm growing it's a fact, and I'm excited about gaining and being fatter. And then there is the real life that makes me consider that I shouldn't. The problem is that I'm really excited about gaining. The more I think about it the more I wish to become fatter and fatter. It's a kind of inner pulse and I don't know how to deal with it.

So if I write this message it's because I'm lost in my desire and my feelings. I'm not the kind of guy who talk a lot about himself and who likes to write and share about his feelings. But for the first time in my life I think I need help to understand what happen to me.

I don't want to bother you but if you have advice or if you care to share with me that would be great. It seems that you have experience and that would be helpful for me.

Thanks for reading my message.

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Thank you--it means a lot to me when people find my work helpful. There's a saying: "What you resist will persist." That means the harder you try to "stop" doing something (like gaining) the  more attention you pay to what you're trying to reduce or eliminate. We have another teaching in therapy: "Negation exists only as a linguistic concept--it's not how our brains process information."

For example, if I say, "Don't think of the color blue!" What's the first thing you think of? To make sense of something, our brains need to think about it as it exists. Just so, the very act of telling yourself you're NOT going to gain means you focus on gaining. If you were actually wanting to lose weight and you were my patient, I'd want you to focus on what you DO want to accomplish rather than on what you DON'T want to accomplish.

You're also challenged by the fact eating is an everyday human function you need for survival. This is why a lot of therapists are uncomfortable with the concept of "food addiction" the way we think about, say--drug or alcohol addiction. If you eliminated the consumption of recreational drugs or alcohol, it won't harm you (other than if you have to go through a temporary withdrawal)--but you can't just stop eating on a permanent basis.

So--I'd probably suggest you circle back to consider what your desired outcome is. Having talked with a lot of individuals in your situation, it often comes back to not feeling bad about gaining--in fact, for a lot of people, gaining is an erotic and sensual sensation. What more people feel bad about is their perception  others will reject them because they are gaining/have gained weight. Those are two very different issues, and require different approaches. Given the increase of obesity in First World nations, being larger is simply becoming the norm. As a therapist I've also found that most people spend a lot more time trying to figure out what others think of them than the actual people do. In other words, the vast majority of the population of your city and country don't know that you're gaining weight (why would they? You're a stranger to most people and they have no point of reference when they pass you on the sidewalk or in a store--they just see you as you are now). People you do see on a daily basis often don't notice initial weight gain because it tends to be gradual. If you were to gain twenty pounds in one month, that might be noticed, but a lot of your co-workers, and other peers just don't notice or care, and if they do, it's usually a momentary teasing rather than something they're going to do everyday while pointing a finger at you. I've also suggested to many who have written in to me that they learn to bring up the subject of weight-gain themselves, rather than waiting for others to do so. It's much more into the gainer's control to do so, and gives the gainer the opportunity to teach others they are happy with the gain. There's also a human tendency to "push back" so if I arrive to keynote a conference in Amsterdam and I open by saying, "What a beautiful city Amsterdam is" then there will be some audience members whose immediate response would be "What's wrong with Paris? What's wrong with Rome?" Just so, if you say, "Yeah, I bet I've gained 100 pounds since Easter!" --the response will often be, "Oh, you haven't gained that much!" This is a really useful technique to get others past the point of criticism to the point of telling you that you're NOT THAT FAT, which pretty much eliminates the problem of feeling judged for gaining.

I've also found a lot of "troubled" gainers become more comfortable about gaining as they get older. You list your age as 40. By the late 30s into the 40s, most men have developed a stronger sense of self which means they aren't as dependent upon others' opinions. They're also often financially at a point of greater independence, not having to rely on family for food and shelter, which means their wallets put them in control of their waistline and the need to buy larger pants. Related to this--I've never met a single gainer who told me, "I'm so happy I delayed gaining, even though it was something I knew I've wanted to do from childhood." What I do hear frequently is: "I wasted YEARS of all the pleasure and eroticism I could have enjoyed if I had stopped worrying about what others thought about my waist size instead of just gaining to please myself."

Also, you mention you're not someone who likes to talk about himself a lot. It's important that if you use the "hyper-exasperation technique" ("I must have gained 100 pounds since Easter") that you don't do it everyday and that you don't go into detail about it. Most of the people around you aren't interested in your kinks and sex life. The technique is something you'd use rarely--perhaps if you're seeing relatives at an event you don't see on a regular basis who only know you as a smaller person, or in a gathering of your co-workers where you joke about it once. You don't have to mention it at every meeting and workers who didn't hear you directly will probably be told about it by those who were there. The bottom line for this is that people are made aware that you are conscious of the fact you've gained weight and that you're happy about it. They aren't owed an explanation. It always comes back to -- your body--your rules.

Good luck!