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Hi Professor,
I've
been a member of this community for a while now (nearly 4 years, since I was
18 or so). I've found it hard understanding and accepting this part of
myself, and recently I've been having some counselling to help me with it,
which has been very helpful. I thought it would be a good idea to both share
my experience with other members of the community and get a different
perspective on my situation.
I've
known for a long while that I've wanted to be fat, but I only feel this way
when I'm turned on. When I'm not I enjoy being the size I am, the weight I
am, how I look. I also find it difficult to gain weight anyway, what with my
metabolism, and I don't really like food, so me getting fat is out of the
question, at least for now.
Having
said this, weight gain features prominently in my life, so much so that when
masturbating I only ever picture myself, fatter, never other people. This
however has left me so unfulfilled sexually. How can I be happy with my thin
self (which I know I want to be "rationally") when my sexual
desires tell me to be something completely different? How can I feel sexually
fulfilled while being thin?
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I don’t know if this is a solution looking
for a problem. In other words, most people seek help because they’re unhappy
with their situation and are hoping to change that situation. While you are
interested (particularly on an erotic level) in being fat, you state when you’re
not in “erotica mode” you are satisfied with your current body.
As near as I can tell from your questions, you’re not asking
me how you can change your body. Just so, you have found a way to meet your
needs by fantasizing yourself fat (or in the process of fattening) while you
masturbate. This can be thought of “having your cake, eating it too, and not
worrying about calories.
In situations like yours, my only concern--because I’m, after all, a
Family Therapist specializing in Couples--so all of my training was focused
on establishing and maintaining healthy relationships. One of the challenges
of focusing on masturbation (as you describe it) is that it currently excludes having a
partner. That means you’re setting up a “baseline” of sexual expression that
is only about you and your (imagined) fatness. This could lead to potential
problems in being with a partner because you’re establishing a strong “script”
that you’ve learned to follow. You “get ready;” you see yourself fat/fattening
in your “mind’s eye;” you satisfy yourself. At this point, there’s no
particular need for a partner, so if and when you have one, you’ll have a “learning
curve” to deal with where you deviate from your established script and will have
to learn a new skill set to both provide for and receive from—a partner. However, you self-identify as a “gray
asexual,” which you define as “meh,” with the idea of having a partner. You
indicate you could be with a partner, particularly a “hot” and well-bellied
guy, but it hasn’t been something intriguing enough for you to actively
pursue. This means we’re back to a solution without a problem. You’ve managed
to get your needs met in a way that doesn’t harm (but doesn’t necessarily
enrich) another person.
As a therapist, I was taught to look for a “noble intention,”
which drives behaviors that outsiders might see as “odd,” or even “unacceptable.
Most people don’t fantasize being fat or fattening up, except in “kinky” communities
like this one. You are listed as being
at 16% body fat and your profile photo shows you as not being overly muscular. It may
be that one of your noble intentions is that for a brief amount of time, your
masturbation fantasy allows you to feel desirable (since you “magically”
become the body you admire). For many males, “big” is also associated with
being “powerful,” and in my experience someone just entering into adulthood
may not always feel particularly “powerful” (or independent), so imagining
yourself “big” makes sense to me. It also can provide you a sense of “control”
over your life/body during those stressful times when you don’t feel as if
you’re in control.
Also, humans tend to make mental functioning as “streamlined”
and “foolproof” as possible. Once you have created your masturbation fantasy,
you can efficiently “activate it” and achieve self-pleasure. The disadvantage
of doing so means you’re consistently reinforcing the same sexual fantasy
which can make you less flexible in terms of incorporating other sexual
elements—which could include a partner. But again—if you are comfortable as a
gray asexual—you’re not going to be very motivated to change what it is you’re
doing, since you’re meeting your needs.
I might suggest—if you’re interested in expanding (pun) your
experience rather than your body, you might consider non-corporal changes, such
as experimenting with padding, or doing morphs of your own photographs. I
suspect you’re relatively visually -driven by your personal eroticism, which is
probably one of the reasons you frequent a gainer site. Padding and morphs
might give you additional elements you can incorporate into your masturbation
fantasies and the physicality of padding--particularly if you use “weighted”
padding—a friend of mine explained he would take a neoprene bodysuit (used by
those who like to surf or dive in cold water, cinching it very tight with a
belt and then using a hose to fill it with water. The neoprene “stretches” so
you end up not only with the “look” of a fat guy, but the “heft” of one as
you move around. The experience of the “extra weight” is something you can’t
really fully experience with your imagination—but the experience can further
fuel your fantasies of what it “feels” like to be fat. That might help you "fulfill" your sexuality even as you keep fitting into your skinny jeans.
I think the “takeaway” for readers is that people “solve”
their lives in a variety of ways. Your solutions appear to be working for
you, and I’m a fan of “not fixing what’s not broken.” But your approach may
not meet the needs of those who aren’t gray asexuals. I should probably
mention a large (the puns write themselves) number of gainers report
fantasizing being fatter, fattening up, or imagining the same of a partner—plays
a major role in not only their masturbation fantasies but in their actual sex
play with a partner. I often am told by gainers how they find it difficult to
achieve erection with a slender partner unless they fantasize their partner
fat, or “substitute” the actual partner with the fantasy of one that is more
sexually appealing (i.e., fat).
Always happy to hear from someone who’s been able to get his
needs met, particularly if it’s not in a conventional manner.
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