Hey
man, I've been following your blog for forever, and I've just got to
say its fantastic. You always seem to do a great job of providing
thoughtful and balanced answers to people's questions.
I've
been dating a guy for 4 years who I've been living with for 2. He is
head over heels in love with me, but the feeling isn't mutual. He is
a great guy, but I don't love him. He doesn't know I'm a gainer and
he's always trying to get me to go to the gym with him "for
health reasons". I enjoy his company, we share a lot of the same
views on most subjects and the sex is decent, but I just don't feel
the same way about him as he does me. I know that this relationship
is going to have to change sooner than later. A long sit down style
talk is certainly in order. My question is if I or any gainer really,
can ever be satisfied by a relationship worh someone outside of this
community. (Based on your experience as a psychologist and sex
researcher). This has been my only major relationship thus far, up
but I find myself wishing I had just told him I was a gainer before
things got more serious. I'm not saying that the reason I don't love
him is because he isn't an encourager, but I can't help but wonder if
that would somehow make up for the emotional gap between the two of
us. I'm sure you're busy, but if you could find the time to get back
to me about this I'd be really grateful.
*
* * *
One
of the things that struck me was a comment made by a radio
psychologist several years ago. A guy had called in and expressed
concern about his fiancee, and how he was worried if he was making
the right decision. The (female) psychologist got a bit snarky and
made the generalization men always had the attitude “Yeah, this
relationship is good, but what if tomorrow I walk into the bank or a
store and meet the right one?” Then she said women look at
their partner and think, “I can change him.” So for her world,
men hope to find “the right one,” and women hope to “modify”
a partner to become “the right one.”
Based
on your profile information, and the fact you stated you've doubled
your weight in the past two years or so, I am reminded of Orson
Welles' quote: “Gluttony is not a secret sin.” Knowing how long
he's been in your life, he's literally watched you in the process of
blimping. It's pretty obvious you've expanded and unlikely you're
going to shrink, since you clearly don't buy his “health reasons”
and gym approach. I'm pointing this out because you report he's “in
love” with you during a period of time you've doubled the amount of
boyfriend he can have sex with. I would therefore assume as you move
forward to 300, your size is not a major issue for him and his
affection. Just so, if you had sat down with him years ago, and
said, “I think I'm too skinny and I'm looking forward to being a
fat guy because I know it will be a turn on for me,” I don't know
if you'd be in a significantly different position than you are now.
As far as I can tell, the one missing piece of the “puzzle” (for
him) is that there is an erotic component to your gain.
To
get back to your actual question--
A)
In my professional experience as a Family Therapist specializing in
couples and as a sex researcher—many couples stay together even if
their sexual life is not fulfilling to one or both. For some it's
security—financial or otherwise. For others, there is a strong
sense of companionship. Some stay together with the attitude “better
the devil you know.”
B)
Depending on the intensity of a gainer's eroticism around gaining, I
think it is certainly possible for a gainer to partner with a
“civilian” (as a non-gainer/non-encourager is often called) and
have a relatively happy relationship. But this is only possible if
the gainer's eroticism isn't the “major mojo” of his sexuality—or
if they do what a lot of couples do—compartmentalize.
Compartmentalize means they basically put their relationship into one
“box” and sexual expression into a different box. This is true
for a lot of “kinks.” If you are heavily into BDSM and your
partner is strictly vanilla, the chances are your sex life isn't
going to be great. The solution is to find a partner who does
satisfy your needs, and then you come home to the spouse, who
satisfies your other needs (of companionship, for example). There are
certainly gainers who work with this model, where their gainer needs
are met outside of their primary relationship, because for a lot of
“civilians,” they're never going to “get” what's erotic about
gaining, anymore than a strictly vanilla type is going to “get”
BDSM. In both cases, the “civilian” is not going to “convert”
to a kink that doesn't connect to him. In my experience with other
gainers, they will report a partner who will attempt to “role play”
being an encourager, but because they don't “get it,” the
interaction is often not pleasant for the gainer and the partner
won't do it on a regular basis. By the way, in my experience, it
sometimes works out if one partner is an encourager and his partner
gains weight, not as an erotic desire on the part of the one
fattening up, but because the encourager is good at encouraging, and
because of his own “kink” finds his partner sexier with every
added inch, so there's a “feed back loop,” where the blimping
partner often doesn't care about having to buy a larger pants size
because his own sex life is ramped up by the excitement of the
encourager. This then becomes a “win/win” for such a couple, and
I suspect this frequently happens with heterosexual married couples.
In many cultures, there is the expectation a husband will gain weight
after getting married—it's a sign of adulthood, of financial
success (and in a sexist culture) and proof of what a good cook the
wife is. For some married women, there is also the attitude a chubby
hubby is a faithful one, where outside women aren't going to try to
seduce him now that he's blown up.
After
years of being around this community, what I hear over and over
again from gainers/encouragers for whom this really is a significant
part of their sexuality, a primary relationship with a “civilian”
does not work in the long run. I suspect the standard pattern is the
one you've been following: “I will stick in this relationship even
though I'm becoming more frustrated with it the longer I stay
around. But I would feel guilty/bad/ashamed/superficial if I dump my
partner who is a really good person and I'm quite fond of him. But
he will never sexually satisfy me.”
If
you were in therapy with me (and you're not) there are two standard
questions I would have for you: What would happen if you ended this
relationship, and What would happen if you did not end this
relationship.
Based
on my experience, if after two years of living together and doubling
your weight, I really don't see anything that is going to change
other than you continuing to gain weight. While that will be erotic
for you, there's really no change I can see with your partner. One
option, which you've considered is sitting down with him and “coming
out” as a gainer, and how this is your major kink. You need to
stress this is like your sexual orientation. It's not something you
chose, but it's what you are. By the way, that's an excellent
metaphor for the “civilian.” Just as your partner can't “choose
to be straight” he's not really in a position to “choose to be an
encourager.” I mean, you could win the lottery, and come out and
discover he's really been a secret encourager all along and has
really been sneaking calories for you when your back is turned, and
has helped you pack on the pounds. This is what happens in gainer
fiction. It isn't what tends to happen in real life. (Sadly)
Part
of this is just a numbers game. First you eliminate perhaps 90% of
the male population as a partner because they're straight. Then you
narrow down the number of potential partners because they are too
old/too young or in other “deal-breaker” categories. Then with
the few that remain, you try to find the ones who are
gainers/encouragers, and believe me, that number gets pretty small.
The Internet has done an amazing thing, by bringing together people
with the same kink, so they can support one another. One of the
things I frequently hear from members of Grommr is how much they look
forward to the encouragement they get on the site, because they sure
aren't getting it in real life. Sites like Grommr have also done a
great service by allowing guys to meet other guys into
gaining/encouraging, but again, that doesn't help if you discover a
great partner, but he lives in southern France while you live in
Virginia. There may be members of Grommr in your area, but there's
no guarantee you'll end up in a relationship with them because, trust
me, if the only thing you have in common is a belly or a desire to
fatten someone up, that does not lead to a long term relationship.
It's also one of the reasons couples stay together. “What are the
chances I'll find someone who is at least as good as the one I have
now?”
E)
Finally—here's what you should also consider. If you are not
satisfied with your relationship, and you do nothing to alter it,
you're not going to get more satisfied. Speaking as objectively as I
can, staying in the relationship without trying to alter it means
it's ultimately unfair to your boyfriend, who frankly deserves
someone who “loves him back.” The longer you stay together, the
longer he will be deprived of a partner he deserves. The longer you
stay together, the longer you will be deprived of a partner who is a
match for your sexuality.
By
“altering” your relationship, I mean “coming out” to him as a
gainer. Like coming out to your parents and family (if you have)it's
critical to remember people learning to understand and accept a major
aspect about you doesn't usually happen immediately. The newly
informed need time to process the information and eventually make it
fit into their own heads and hearts. Just so, one conversation about
“What gaining means to me” doesn't mean your boyfriend will
understand what you're saying the first time he hears it.
Then
it comes down to negotiation. What precisely do you need from him to
improve your relationship? If he were magically able to wake up
tomorrow and truly satisfy you sexually, would you want to stay in
the relationship? Would you want him to double his own weight? And
again—this is an important metaphor. Fattening him up might be a
turn on for you, but given the mention of the gym, I'm going to go
out on a limb and suspect the idea of your boyfriend gaining a
hundred pounds in the next couple of years is not going to thrill
him.
And—let
me bring this up, because it's a feeling I'm getting “between”
the lines. In my professional experience, couples seek out people in
my field because they either want to “fix” a relationship that is
not satisfying them—or they want to end the relationship and seeing
a therapist is their way of being able to say to their partner and
the world--”See! We did everything possible to make this work, and
the relationship just couldn't be saved.” Then they get to walk
away without guilt, or without one of them being seen by family and
friends as “the bad one.”
You're
23. That means you started getting involved with your boyfriend when
you were 19, and you've now lived together for two years. Long and
long ago, it was pretty normal for a teenager to end up marrying
another teenager and figure their lives were set. And indeed, that
often worked. But it's also one of the reasons why in the U.S., we
still have a divorce rate of about 50% because most teenagers don't
make great spouses. People change and grow (and by grow, I'm not
talking about their waist). In other words, even if the gainer
eroticism was not part of the equation, I don't know if this would be
a long-term relationship because there may be other elements that
will not ultimately satisfy you (or him).
Historically,
many men did not come out as gay until they were older—at least in
their 20s. One of the major changes has been gays coming out at
younger and younger ages. From a therapist's point of view, this is
terrific. It means the younger you are when you come out, the more
opportunity you have to “practice” being a good partner. Dating
is really the “training wheels” for an eventual long-term
relationship. For people who aren't out, they don't get to “practice”
until much later on in their lives, when they do come out, which
means there are a lot of folks out there who are “damaged goods,”
who need a lot of help to be able to be in a healthy same-sex
relationship.
I
can't help but wonder how it would have turned out for both of you if
you had had the opportunity to really date without the sense of going
“home” to a boyfriend. You indicate in your profile you're in an
open relationship, but I would be very curious if you define “open
relationship” in the same way your boyfriend would. By having a
primary relationship with him for at least the last two years, it
means you've both been denied an opportunity to find out what it
would be like to have a relationship with a different person.
On
one level, as a therapist who really believes in change, I believe it
is possible for you to learn to love a partner in the way he or she
loves you. But that doesn't mean I also believe that should be
done, or the investment of energy and time to make the change happen
would be worth it.
So
in summary, let's circle back to my first statement about the radio
psychologist—I get the real sense you wake up every morning in a
relationship and ask yourself, “but what if the guy who would
really make me happy is out there somewhere?” And it's hard to
avoid the realization “as long as I stay in this unsatisfying
relationship, I'm not going to have the opportunity to find the right
one.” I would suggest you “come out” to him as a gainer,
but spend a significant amount of time preparing for it. Be very
specific and concrete about what you want him to do with this new
knowledge. Do you want him to feed you? Do you want him to document
your weight gain by taking photos of you and taking your
measurements? Do you want him to never bring up again the idea of
going to the gym? Do you want him to gain weight? And if he is
unable or unwilling to respond the way you desire, do you feel it
would be appropriate to either end the relationship or scale it down
to “just friends?” Also-remember in negotiation, both parties
are involved. Otherwise you're just ordering him to change. If he's
willing to do behavior “x” for you, are you willing to do
behavior “y” for him? Since this is revolving around sex, if he's
willing to try something to support your kink, is there something he
wants sexually from you that you've been uncomfortable about
providing up until now? Would you be willing to do it in exchange for
him trying to support your own kink? Are there “dealbreakers” for
you that he might want in exchange for doing the things you want him
to do?
I
wish you both the best. In my personal and professional experience,
it's rare for someone's first relationship he has at the age of 20 to
be the same one he'll have when he's 30, 40, or 50. My own
Significant Other just returned from spending the Memorial Day
weekend in his home state, where he stayed with his first boyfriend
and the boyfriend's partner. They are now both in their early 40's,
but have remained in touch and close for about twenty years. If your
current relationship ends in terms of being boyfriends, it's
certainly possible to keep him in your social network because he
obviously has a lot of valuable qualities. And who knows—this is
the United States where as of 2012, two-thirds of adults are
overweight or obese. Biologically, you haven't really finished your
adult growth until around the age of 25 (on the average) which means
someone (who doesn't have a gaining kink) that is slim at 20 may be
pudgy by their mid-twenties. If you break up but keep him in your
social network, it may well be in a few years he may also have a
belly and can end up rejoining each other in a more satisfying
relationship. That's what happened with me. He went from 155 to over
260. It's not his “kink” but he knows it's mine. Being over 100
pounds heavier is not erotic in itself for him, but his own gluttony
and enjoyment means he's not doing everything in his power to lose
the weight. I'm one of those fortunate folks in that “win/win”
where as an encourager, I enjoy him blowing up, and he enjoys eating.
So-can
a gainer/encourager have a satisfying relationship with a civilian?
Definitely. Is it likely? One of my favorite quotes is—the race
doesn't always go to the fastest horse—but it's where you place
your bet. The hard reality is—most people, regardless of their
kink, don't tend to stay forever in the relationship they found
themselves in while in their early 20's.
