Why Don't I Have The Desire To Have Sex With A Man?

I can't say I'm an avid reader, as I only recently found your blog through Get A Snack. I've been a quasi passive gainer for a few years now, gaining around 20-25 pounds, and I'm pretty content thus far. One thing that is obviously a large part of this fetish is sexuality and the ability to desire and acquire sex revolving around someone's fat body. This is all fine and dandy, but I have no sex drive. I love cuddling and kissing and grabbing adipose tissue (and, sure, I get an erection from feeling another man's fat) but I just don't have the desire to have sex with a man. I am gay, this I do know, but whenever the topic of "fucking" comes about, I don't know what to say besides, "I have a low sex drive." I used to think I was afraid of sex, but now I realize I'm just content without it. I might be willing to try it again (I never really enjoyed it the few times I attempted it— hell, I never even came!), but it would have to be with a really special person, and not just some feeder who wants me fatter for his pleasure

So I suppose I have two questions here

1. Why is my sex drive so low, considering that homosexual men typically have a huge drive for sexual relations

2. How do I explain to someone that I am not interested in sex unless I'm in a long-term relationship, but that I'm still fine with cuddling, kissing, and feeding with no strings attached?

As far as the second question goes, I want to avoid telling people this in such a way that would come off as some bizarre double-standard, to the matter of "Oh, well it's already for us to touch via cuddling, but sex is out of the question?!"…

Thank you.

*****

Ok—let’s look at some ways of thinking about sexuality and relationships you might not have been taught. (And trust me, not all gay men have high sex drives.)

Some time ago, it “made sense” there were 3 logical ways of categorizing sexual orientation: Straight/Gay/Bisexual.  But if you really consider the logic, it’s obvious there is a 4^th way.  The Asexual. This is an identity that doesn’t often get discussed. A recent British survey that looked at over 18,000 individuals found about 1% were Asexual.   Let’s’ come back to this in a moment.

Let me also introduce you to something called “The Klein Grid,” which was created as a more complex way of understanding a person’s sexuality than simply “gay” or “straight” (or bisexual…but as you have probably experienced if you’ve been around the gay community, a lot of gays believe bisexuals don’t exist, and that anyone who claims to be one is simply a gay in denial.  Actually the whole “bi thing” is a reason why the Klein Grid was developed). In this model, you examine a person’s interests--

Sexual Attraction: What “floats your boat?” (and it’s ok to be honest and say, “hmm..no one.”)

Sexual Behavior: Have you had sex with a male or a female? (and believe me, trying to define what “Having Sex” means drives a lot of people crazy.  When President Clinton stated, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” according to a study we had done through the Kinsey Institute, over 55% of Midwestern adults would have agreed with Clinton. In other words, the only way they defined sex was “vaginal/penile penetration.  Just so, in one study of adolescent females, 25 percent identified as “virgins” although over 75% of the group had had oral sex.  But—oral sex “didn’t count,”because the only “real sex” is vaginal/penile penetration. This is actually something a lot of us who work in sex research laugh about…a lot of conservatives are crowing over the fact teenage pregnancy has declined in the past few years, and they consider it is a result from the stress on abstinence.  In reality, kids are having just as much sex as they ever did, but they’re having oral and other forms of sexual expression that don’t result in pregnancy.  This includes anal sex.

Just so, for a lot of gay men (and straight people) there’s the idea the only “real gay sex” is anal. That’s just not true, but it’s fascinating how strong a cultural belief this is.  A significant number of men who identify as gay NEVER have anal sex.

Sexual Fantasies: What exactly are your sexual fantasies—during masturbation, day dreams, part of your actual experience (for example, many gainers who try to have sex with a “civilian”
discover they can only get aroused if they imagine the partner being fat, or themselves being fatter)

Emotional Preference:  Do you find your emotional responses directed towards other males?  Females?  Both? And when we go cross-cultural, it becomes more fun, since other cultures may have more than two genders…which really screws up concepts of “homosexuality,” since if you’re a male who is involved with a person of the third (or fourth) gender, by definition you’re not involved in a same-sex relationship.

Social Preference: Social preference is tied to, but can be different from emotional preference. Do you prefer to socialize with males?  With females?  This is very important, since many men who identify as straight, have a social preference for being with other men (sports, bars, hiking, camping, hunting, fishing), even though they don’t want to have sex with them.

Lifestyle Preference: Another reality—there are a number of men who will have sex with men, but will not consider themselves to be gay (because the only “real” sex is vaginal/penile
penetration, which can’t happen between two biological men in this theory) or to be cheating on their wives (because it could only be “cheating” if he were to have sex with a woman, because that’s the only way to have vaginal/penile penetration…which is the only “real sex.”)

Sexual Identity: Do you identify as gay? As straight?  As bi?  And remember—another option is Asexual

Political Identity: This is something that comes as a surprise to a lot of males…it’s not uncommon for some women to politically identify as a lesbian, even though they don’t have an interest in having sex with another woman.

So—what do we learn from this?

A person may enjoy cuddling with a same-sex partner but not have any interest in having sex with that person. I’ve also encountered a number of men who identified as gay, who have very active sex lives with other men—but who have never cuddled or spooned with them.  The moment sex is over, one of them leaves.  I’ve also seen this in “official couples” where they are together for a long time, have an active sex life, and when the sex is finished, one of them goes back to his own bedroom and shuts the door.

And now—let’s come back to Asexuality.  It’s been my experience over the years in the gaining community, there are a number of men (I don’t know about women in this context) who identify as asexual.  They often describe their experience as you have. There is an interest in having a close social and emotional relationship—there may be a romantic spin—but remember the Klein Grid—a romantic connection is not the same as a sexual connection.  There is often an OVERLAP between these two categories, so they seem the same—but they are separate categories.   This is
similar to the reality sexual orientation and gender identity are two separate categories.  Just so, a Female to Male Transsexual who self identifies as a Transman, can self identify as gay.  For many years, individuals in the Trans community were instructed never to tell a mental health professional they self-identified as gay, lesbian, or bisexual (Psychiatrist:  “So, you are a biological woman who wants to undergo sexual reassignment surgery and hormone therapy so you can become a man who wants to be with other men.  Of course you want to be with men…it’s because you’re a biological female.  Surgery and hormone therapy denied.”)

There is also a small percentage of the gaining community who are not asexual, but have such an intense focus on a body part (for example a big belly) or a behavior (such as stuffing) they aren’t interested in having a relationship with another person (male or female), just as someone with an intense eroticism towards a woman’s shoe is concentrating on the shoe and not the human who owns the shoe.

There is also the possibility you may have a physical challenge.  There’s something called “low sex drive” or “low libido,” where a person has little or no sexual desire.  This might happen because of medications (for example, anti-depressants)  you’re taking, or a biological problem, such as a low level of testosterone.  These can be improved by seeing a physician who specializes in a field such as urology. There are genetic challenges such as Turner’s Syndrome which can lower sexual desire.  From a psychological level, sexual abuse or trauma can knock out sexual desire.

This is also where it’s important to emphasize from the model of Asexuality being part of the “pantheon of sexuality” (i.e., straight, gay, bi), it’s no better or worse than any of the other three categories…it’s just different. I would suggest you read some of the comments and stories people
have posted on  AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network http://www.asexuality.org/home/site, which is a resource on Asexuality.  See if any of the posts there  resonates with you.

A person can (remember the Klein Grid) have an emotional and social preference to be with a male, but not score at all in the sexual behavior category.  Sometimes when first introduced to the concept of asexuality, there’s an immediate fear “I’ll always be alone…I’ll never have a partner.”  In fact, there are a number of couples where one is an asexual, and the other is gay, bi, or straight (different categories). In some cases, a sexual/asexual couple may compromise in terms of fulfilling the sexual desires/needs of the partner. (“I’ll do X, because I know you really enjoy it, and you do Y because that’s something that I enjoy”—that might be where the Asexual person gives his partner oral sex, and the partner feeds his gainer Asexual mate, whispering how fat he’s getting, and rubs his belly.)  Sometimes an asexual partners with another asexual.  Asexuals aren’t necessarily incapable of being sexual-it’s simply not very interesting for them, much in the way of taking out the trash.  I’ve mentioned in an earlier post, because I’m an American Indian with long hair, I attract the attention of a number of gay men who have a “long hair” kink.  But my hair has a spiritual meaning for me—I don’t think of it as erotic, so when someone gets hot and bothered by my hair, it’s a yawn for me.  This, btw, is no different from a fat guy being confused and puzzled why you find his fat sexy, if he has no erotic connection to his size.

In other couples, there may be a decision to open up the relationship to include others who will meet the sexual needs of the partner.  Please recall, this is hardly unique to asexuals…it’s an arrangement frequently found with heterosexual couples as well as gay couples.  There’s been an increased awareness of “Poly” relationships (Polyandrous—where there are literally “many men” who form an intimate network, or Polygamous—where there are literally “many women” who form an intimate network). 

As a therapist, I frequently find there are factors that cause a person to reject the whole concept of a “Poly” relationship.  Younger people, who only have their immediate family as role models often buy into the idea there is only one “type” of relationship, just as people often buy into the idea that the only “real sex” is vaginal/penile penetration, or that the only “real gay sex” is anal sex.  This, btw, often reflects the coming out process a lot of guys experience in being gay, or being a gainer.  First you think you are theonlyoneintheworld.  Then you find out there are other “different” people “out there,” but you’re taught by the media or the Church, or family “This is wrong/an abomination/crazy.”  Eventually you meet enough “different” people to normalize the difference…so it moves from being wrong/crazy to just different.

I would suggest you visit the AVEN site and discover how asexuals negotiate their relationships and explain their reality to others.  It always comes back to clear communication and honesty.  You might also be surprised to discover there really are other guys out there who only want to cuddle and kiss.  Good luck :)