How Do I Become The Man I Want To Be Without Losing My Parents?

Dear Professor Fatology,

I am 22 and in a very difficult situation in life right now. I'm a gainer, although I haven't been extremely successful with my gains, but I am determined to be bigger, but there are things holding me back. My family are very health-conscious and seeing my slight weight gains have already sparked a number of comments from them. As much as I want to be bigger I'm worried that the more I gain it might push them away. I'm very close with my parents but I have a feeling that eventually I'm going to have two options in my life and that's 1. Keep the family happy and stay slim, or 2. Gain weight, get fat and say goodbye to any contact with my family. I'm also bisexual, even though I've never really been with either sex before, and have not come out to my parents about this yet, and I have a pretty good feeling that will also push them away and I'm sure if they heard I was a bi fat-loving guy they would pretty much write me out of their lives. I'm really stuck with what to do, and it's been a struggle for me for many years now, but seeing as I am now 22 I know it's about time I start acting on it and getting to the stage where I need to nip this thing in the butt already!

Do you have any advice or input that would help me?

A couple of things immediately come to mind for me. One is how, in my experience, a lot of men (sexual orientation isn't the point at the moment) hit their 30's and at that point, go ahead and act on whatever it is they've been wanting to do since their childhood. This might be around gaining weight, or buying a motorcycle, or doing something “kinky” on a sexual level. Part of this is what we call in psychology, “developmental.” There are different “stages of development” humans go through, and not everyone goes through the stages/steps at the same time, although people have a tendency to experience them at a predictable range of age.

For example, there is one we call “adolescent separation.” Pre-teens and young children (in healthy families) tend to be very close to their parents and often reflect the values and activities of their family members. This is a no brainer—if you're close to your dad and he's really into football, you'll probably spend a lot of your “down time” sitting next to him on the sofa watching football games, or if you have an older brother who's on his school's football team, the family will pile into the car and cheer for him. When young people start to experience puberty, they will often start to distance themselves from their parents—they will spend more time with their peers and begin to explore things that either don't interest their parents, or that their parents know nothing about. This might include video games, music, and experimentation with drugs or alcohol.

This is considered not only normal, but to a certain extent, necessary for an individual to mature into a functional adult. In dysfunctional (and dysfunctional means “functioning in pain,” it doesn't mean “non-functional”) families, where there is often abuse (emotional/sexual/physical), this “adolescent separation” can be extreme, and can include wild hair styles, body piercing, and jail time. In healthy families, it can involve experiences the parents will never even notice, or a one time experiment with, say, being blonde, or if you actually are blonde, having your hair dyed brunette. It may mean a youth attending a different church, or visiting another religious group. As psychologists, we feel it's part of the growing up process for someone to discover what does (and just as importantly—what DOESN'T) work for him or her. Perhaps in this journey of discovery, he'll return home with something that can benefit the entire family.

This is not a new idea. There's a biblical story of the Prodigal Son, who leaves his home after asking his father for money, and basically plays around and gets into a lot of trouble. He loses all of his money and ends up having to work as a swineherd, eventually envying the pigs, who seem to enjoy life more than he does. Let me also point out, for a Jewish young man, having to herd pigs is not as an ideal job under any circumstances. He decides to return home, to tell his father he has sinned, and ask if his father will hire him to be a servant, since he feels he is unworthy to rejoin the family. His father sees him coming and before the son can give his rehearsed speech, the father pulls him close, kisses him, and has him dressed in a fine robe and a ring, and has a celebration feast for him.

The older brother is pissed off over this, pointing out he's the better son, who has never done anything wrong, and has always done exactly what his father asked him to do. And he bitterly reminds the father there's never been a celebration for him—and yet here comes the sinner who is the son who has wasted his wealth and look at how well he's treated.

The father explains it's as if the son has been dead, and he has now returned to life, and this calls for celebration.

One assumes the son stayed away being miserable because he was afraid of the rejection of his family. He suffered a great deal, and finally decided being punished at home was better than being so unhappy with the pigs.

I'm mentioning this parable because I find a lot of young people worry about what their family may think about them doing “X”-and the “X” might be coming out as gay or bi, getting a belly, getting a tattoo, or a piercing. They are afraid they will be rejected.

Going back to stages of development, by the time a man is in his 30s, he is usually financially stable, so he isn't dependent upon his family for food or shelter. He is usually more self-secure and self-confident, having faced challenges and overcome them. Part of this self-confidence is accepting the fact no matter how good you try to be, there will always be some people who have no interest in you, or will criticize you for your behavior, appearance, or choices. And you discover—as one of my mentors, Virginia Satir, used to say—you don't drop dead. You get criticized and you don't drop dead. You can no longer button your jeans and you don't drop dead. You burn the dinner you are fixing for people you care about and----wait for it---you don't drop dead. This is why, in my experience, a lot of men who have always wanted to gain, finally start to do so in their 30s—and part of this is feeling “safe” enough in their relationships and work to believe having a 29 inch waist for the rest of their lives is not making them happy, and maybe—just maybe---the people they care about will still love them when there is more of them to love.

At 22, I can't help but wonder how far you've explored the whole “adolescent separation” thing. You haven't mentioned if you are still living at home, and if you are completely financially dependent upon your parents. You haven't mentioned if you're attending college and may be doing so in a different town. What I do read in your note is that it is obvious you love and respect your parents, but you have an underlying fear your parents may not be capable of loving you enough to accept the “true” you. The “true” you includes your actual sexual orientation and a desire to be bigger. I am unclear why you have internalized a message that your sexual orientation and a desire to be bigger are potential “deal-breakers” in terms of you remaining an active member of this family. In therapy sessions, I frequently discover this sort of fear is based on something the person may have overheard when he was 8 or 9 years old, and didn't necessarily understand what was meant. For example, the parents might have been upset talking about someone in the extended family who was bisexual, and was having an affair with another man—the anger the parents might have expressed was not about bisexuality, but about infidelity to the relative's wife. The anger had nothing to do with the gender of the person—it was about cheating.

As I've written in a couple of other posts, loved ones who are critical about a relative or partner gaining weight, are often really focused on their concern gaining weight automatically causes health problems. This is understandable, given a lot of media attention that sensationalizes weight gain in a negative way, and equates obesity with death. And just as an aside—assuming that since you're 22, your parents are in their early 40's, and may be very “health focused” in terms of trying to appear as young as possible themselves. That's not really about health—it's about vanity and internalizing a media message that only younger people really matter, and the older you are, the more you lose power and respect. In doing family therapy, one technique is to draw three boxes on a piece of paper. You then tell the family members, “This first box is about You. This second box is about your (Parents/Spouse/Partner) and the third box is about what impacts all of you.” In this case, there are issues that really belong in your parents' box that don't belong to you, just as there are things that really only belong to you and should not be spilling over into your parents' box. Their issues about aging is not part of your box, but if they try to keep you a “boy,” in order to feel younger, then that belongs in the “shared box” and needs to be addressed collectively.

As I suggested, a lot of this simply takes care of itself over time, as you mature and move on in your own life, and you're not being supervised all the time by your parents, or have to depend upon them for money and shelter. If you move out for your work, then again, these “boxes” are clearer (we also call them boundaries) where—your body—your rules.

And this is what I'm not getting from your note. Have you dated? Have you had a girlfriend your parents knew about, or a boyfriend they never knew about? You mentioned you haven't acted out on your sexuality, and being a virgin at 22 isn't at all unusual. But if you haven't explored having a serious relationship with a male or female, then that will delay your stages of development, and will tend to keep you in the adolescent stage of development which will keep you feeling powerless and overly dependent on the approval and acceptance of your parents. Part of growing up and becoming an adult is learning to interact with your parents on more of an equal basis. The great therapist Carl Rogers once stated one of the hardest things you'll ever to do is to learn to accept your parents as people, as opposed to being your parents. This means being able to understand their shortcomings and faults—everyone is human and has shortcomings and faults—no matter how wonderful they may also be in other areas of their lives. The parable of the Prodigal Son teaches that a parent's love can be unconditional...even if the son has misbehaved. The parable also teaches if you are the older son of the story—no matter how hard you've tried to please your parent and behave exactly the way you think he wants you to behave—you don't automatically get praised and celebrated for being the (yawn) perfect son. In fact, like the older son, you can often get taken for granted.

So—here's my advice. Sit down privately and make a list of things you would like to explore as part of becoming an adult. I would certainly add to the list dating both men and women. If you are paranoid, google how to erase your Internet history, so snoopy parents or visiting relatives don't pull up the fact you've visited gaining sites or bisexual sites while you've been exploring what's out there. Always erase your Internet history before you log off. Add to the list gaining 10 pounds, or 50. Throw in some other items, like a new hair style or an article of clothing that is more “edgy” than you're used to, but are not the sort of thing that will push your parents over the edge.

Once you've created a list like this, start following through on some of them. Start small. Maybe start with the hairstyle, and see how your parents react. Gain 5 pounds, instead of 10, where you are finally doing something you are choosing to do for yourself, but a 5 pound gain is not going to be noticeable to them. Or, as I have suggested to others in a similar situation, join a gym, tell your parents you want to be stronger and build up some muscles. Emphasize the health aspect of this. Talk about how your fitness instructor has told you that you need to drink a couple of protein shakes a day in order to build those muscles you want. Orient your parents to associate being bigger with being stronger and more healthy. Show off your bigger arms by sometimes wearing tanktops in front of your parents. This is also about training your parents to stop always seeing you as a “boy” and seeing you as the man you're becoming.

Think of first doing “baby steps” where you are choosing to do things you value and that either won't really upset your parents, or that if they do, (like a hairstyle with a lot of product) you can laugh about it and easily wash your hair and “go back to normal.” This will start you on your journey to NOT be the older son of the Prodigal Son parable, where you frankly, never “get a life.” I can't tell you how often I've had to explain to patients and students—sometimes it's as important to discover what you DON'T want in life as it is to discover what you DO.

Looking over your post—I can't help feeling as if you only see yourself having two choices—hanging on as the “perfect” son who never does anything to displease his family (like the Older Son) or you show them the “real” you and you get kicked to the curb and disowned (like the Prodigal Son—DID TO HIMSELF. The Prodigal Son was not disowned. The Prodigal Son explored a different type of life, felt he would be punished by his family for having done so, and cut himself off from all contact with his family—his family did not cut themselves off from him).

And here's one of the other “big deals” a lot of people don't get told directly—if you keep secrets from your loved ones because you don't trust them to accept these “secrets” are a part of who you are---when the secrets come out—sometimes your loved ones are terribly hurt—not by the “secrets” but because of the reality you didn't respect your loved ones enough to trust them to love you for who you are. The more time and energy you invest in “pretending” to be something you're not—and in your case, this includes not being straight, and not wanting to always have a 29 inch waist—the harder it will be to live your life in an authentic manner. And the longer it will take for your family to be given the message that you trust and respect them. Growing up is hard. And trust me, for some parents, growing older is hard. If you're not dating, then it's easier for your parents to still think of you as a “boy” and not work to prepare themselves for you becoming a man who will have a life that is separate from theirs, which may include a partner and even children (so they can move on to another important developmental stage for them—becoming grandparents). My Significant Other's mother is very clear on the fact he's not going to have children...but she's adapted by always referring to our dog as her “furry grandchild.” And since you identify as being bisexual, there is certainly a chance you'll end up in a relationship with a woman, and there will be the possibility of your parents becoming grandparents. By the way, one of the advantages of dating is going out often revolves around food, so you can get a “bonus” experience of adding on a few pounds.

Start on your “baby steps”--but definitely always choose to take those steps in the direction you want to go. I only wish the best for you.  And let me leave you with this--here are two silhouettes--which one makes you think of a boy, and which one makes you think of a man? As long as you stay thin--which non-verbal message are you sending to your parents (and the world) in terms of how they see you--and how they treat you?