Will My Chubby Hubby Still Love A Fat Me?

Dear Professor Fatology,
I'm in a similar boat - my partner of 12 years (husband since 2011) is a big guy (350lbs +) from a big family of bigger people. He's NOT a gainer himself and although he talks about losing weight, we both know he isn't ever going to be "model thin" (I think his skeleton alone would weigh more than most people's entire bodies - he's from burly rugged peasant stock).

Although he's mostly doing okay, he does have some health issues related to his weight (high blood pressure).

A long, long time ago, when we first got together, he expressed his dismay at his size...and I told him I was a "chubby chaser" and that it absolutely didn't matter how big he was as long as he was healthy and happy. I'd also dropped hints at the time that I'd be more than okay with getting bigger myself. I recall he was appalled at the idea, NOT because he didn't want to be with "a fatty" but because he was very concerned about the possibility of me having weight related health issues myself. I think he translated his own learned (not from me) negative feelings about himself being fat to not wanting me to be unhappy because *I* got fat too. I don't think he really understands the concept that some of us actually *want* to get fat.

I've experimented with gaining since, like forever, but with more success over the last decade or so and while I'm having issues with cholesterol, I appear to have them the same at 165 lbs as I do at 200 lbs (I suspect it's not the weight that's causing it but other factors such as alcohol consumption - which by the way, I've drastically tapered off since my last blood test).

Anyway, my point, (and I DO have one) is that since then I've never really had the courage to really come out and have this discussion with him. At various times I've been pretty damned close to being honest-to-goodness "fat" myself (all time high of 202 lbs (BMI 32.6) last winter)...to the point where relative strangers like the landlord were starting to make comments about my burgeoning belly (which was getting pretty prominent by then). ...and he's never called me on it. I'm feeling a little bit like a chump, or that somehow I'm being dishonest. When I was at my heaviest last year, I do recall him paying some (positive) attention to my belly (coming up behind me while I'm doing the dishes and rubbing it, etc) But we never really talked about it, and then life took over, got chaotic and busy, and I dropped back down to about 180 lbs.

I really want to gain back up to where I was last year, and in fact have decided that I'd really like to be quite a bit heavier (235)...I just figure (and maybe I'm being passive aggressive here) I'll keep gaining until either he figures it out..and we have "the talk", or he figures it out and decides he likes how I look...and we go from there. It's hard to keep up the gain, though, because I'm actually feeling quite guilty about this.

The thing is, if we have "The Conversation" and it goes badly (either because he acquiesces because he thinks this is something I want and even though he disagrees, he'll verbally agree to it but then there'll be other issues arise that will stem back to this) or else he'll lose his mind and we'll be in for a rough time. I don't want to get divorced over something like this.

Or am I just being a coward? Is this thing like a Band-Aid? Should I just rip it off? Or is it better to keep testing the waters with seemingly unintended incremental gains until he notices and we have a slightly different kind of conversation about it (and I can better gauge his true feelings because he won't realize I have such a strong emotional investment in this)? Sometimes I wonder if I'm grossly underestimating him - maybe he's already figured it out but is waiting for me to broach the subject. He's a super smart guy.
Bleah. I'm making this sound like we never communicate. We do-about every other single thing (as far as I know of - although who knows - maybe he's got a secret life as a hula dancer downtown). This one's just been giving me trouble since Day One.

Professor Fatology,  I did read your previous posts with regard to this (and they're extremely helpful btw). Do you have any other input that might help me figure this one out?
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Well, let's go back to your comment about “this has been a problem since Day One.” But you've been with this gentleman for 12 years and you're actually married to him. It is my understanding you initially came out to him as a “chubby chaser” and directly informed him you would enjoy being larger yourself. During the 12 years of your relationship, your own weight has gone up and down and last winter you hit your own personal best of 202 pounds, and you've set a personal goal of being 235 by a specific date.


All the other stuff (Will he get upset if/when we have “the conversation” that I want to be fat myself? And what happens if he agrees but then gets all passive-aggressive on me?”)--See my first paragraph attempts to state reality. The “other stuff” that you're using to drive yourself crazy is not about stating reality. It's about what we as therapists call “living in your head” where you can stress out by coming up with all sorts of problems that are not only NOT existing in the real world, but frequently (and I mean this in general) are teased out to a very unrealistic level. As a result, you stress yourself out for reasons with little validity.

On one level—you had “The Conversation” years ago at the start of your relationship, when you identified yourself as a chubby chaser. When you were at your heaviest he may not have said anything about it verbally, but non-verbally he played with your pudge and seemed to enjoy it. And as a Family Therapist specializing in couples, I'm not going out on a limb when I say I think it's quite unlikely a 350plus man is going to dump a partner (and now husband) of 12 years because you go from a 32 inch waist to size 38 jeans. I suspect that while going from around 180 to 200 is a massive gain from your perspective, and you can see every inch when you look in the mirror, given the fact your chubby hubby is over 350 pounds and you report he comes from an even bigger family, a twenty pound gain (or loss) on you may be something he barely notices. Does that make sense? A relative stranger, such as your landlord might notice you're filling out your t-shirt more when you drop off the rent check today than you did a couple of months ago, but I suspect your landlord doesn't weigh more than 350 pounds and your landlord did not grow up in a family where other family members were even bigger. This is a “percentage” thing, where for a more “standard sized person” your 20 pound or so weight gain may attract attention, but for a lot of men who are really big guys—they'll just consider 20 pounds to be a good start.


To put it another way, you're not only trying to “mind read” your husband, as I explained to the original poster, but you're then also scripting out “scenes” for events that haven't happened. My suspicion, based on your comments—is that while you feel you're communicating well, it would appear from my perspective a lot goes unspoken in your relationship. That's not necessarily a bad thing, by the way. If you've been together 12 years and gotten married, it's obvious you're doing something right. 

Here's one of the challenges human beings have—we have a strong tendency (and this is even more extreme when you're working cross-culturally) to observe a behavior of someone else and then do an internal dialog of “If I did that behavior, it would mean X.” And indeed, if you did that behavior, it would definitely mean “X” for you. But for the other person, the behavior might mean Y or Z. Here's an example from a novel. The main character is very frustrated with a First Nations man who is a police detective because she finds him to be aloof and she feels he often ignores her. At one point she wonders if he acts this way towards her because of some sort of First Nations “thing.” Then later on in the novel, the reader (and the main character) discovers the reality is the man is hearing impaired from a gun accident that occurred in the line of duty. Just so—he wasn't ignoring her—he often didn't hear her when she asked a question if he wasn't facing her. Last night I had dinner with Ben Cohen, who is a delightful man. He recently retired from professional Rugby in the U.K. He has started up a foundation against bullying, with a major focus on supporting the LGBT community (he's straight). The company where I've recently been promoted from Associate Editor to Editor, has partnered with him. I initially did an interview over the phone with him for our magazine, and was surprised to discover in my background research on him, that not only is he a licensed helicopter pilot, but he's also clinically deaf. He joked that on the playing field his nickname is “Huh?” This is due to the fact he often doesn't hear what another player is saying to him and has to ask the person to repeat what was said. He said when he was younger, a lot of people thought he was arrogant because they thought he was ignoring them. But he hadn't heard them.

I mentioned earlier, it's not unusual for a loving partner not to be upset because a spouse has gained weight in the sense of “yuck—you've porked out and now that you're no longer twink size, I'm going to dump your fat ass on the curb.” The concern of a loving spouse who doesn't “get” the whole gaining kink is much more likely to be “I'm worried about your health because I love you, and I'm scared the new weight you've gained might cause you some problems.” And since your husband has high blood pressure (and I assume he's on medication for that) that's a legitimate concern from his reality.


What is not clear to me is how specifically you have directly communicated to him your enjoyment of being bigger. Let's try the “mind-reading”/”This is what this behavior would mean if I did it” and switch it around. I'm your chubby hubby. You start off our relationship with telling me you're a chubby chaser. I probably don't “get that” and if I have my own self-image issues for being a big guy, then maybe I think you're just saying you like fat guys to make me feel better—but you don't really mean it—you put up with my being fat because you love me on other levels, and I love you back, so we've been together now for 12 years and we're even married. During most of our relationship, you've been relatively slim (compared to me and my family). Last winter you gained some weight and then YOU LOST IT. If my comments (which you reported) have often reflected the fact I'd enjoy losing some weight myself, and then I see you gain and then lose—well, my reality is re-enforced. People don't want to get fat—they don't like being fat. But with my good peasant stock, I'm always gonna be a big boy, like the rest of my family. But my partner/husband obviously prefers being a little guy.”

See how motivation and explanations can get screwed up?


Go back to some of the suggestions in my earlier response. You don't have to have “The Conversation” with your husband, because again, this is an erotic kink of yours that belongs to you. Again—in consensual kinks, like S/M both parties need to be extremely clear about what's going on between them. You gaining weight because it's an erotic experience for you is not necessarily a useful thing to share with him since he doesn't share that kink. But he does need to hear and “overhear” from you saying precisely how much you enjoy being bigger. Given the fact you're 5'6” I would play the I've always wanted to be bigger card. This is a statement that reflects the shared reality of a lot of western society. I'm 5'9” which for my own tribal community means I'm a tall person. I have a self-image of being tall. But I certainly enjoy putting on my high heeled cowboy boots where I end up being 6 feet tall. There's a societal meme that shorter men would prefer to be taller. Joke about it. Say to mutual friends where your husband can hear you say it something like, “Since I can't grow up, I've decided to grow out!” And laugh and pat your belly. Joke that one day your husband will be the small guy in your marriage. Make comments that when you were starting to “fill out”/”grow” (I would suggest not always using the word “gain” since it apparently has a negative connotation for your husband) last winter, it made you feel more masculine. It made you feel like a big guy who could throw his weight around. Joke that for the first time you weren't worried about being blown over in the wind. Use words that keep hammering in the idea you enjoy being bigger—not necessarily being fatter, since in his head being fatter is associated with having high blood pressure and health problems. Being “bigger” may not trigger that negative response.

As a therapist, I frequently see that if one member of a couple significantly changes his or her behavior without giving it a context, the other partner automatically starts to fantasize about why the behavior has changed. And frankly, if they're having to see me as a therapist, then the fantasy the spouse has come up with to explain the change in behavior is probably wrong.


For example, let's go back to reality. You have always been relatively small (compared to your husband and his family)--then gained weight and you lost it. Has he ever heard you explain why that happened (you go into some detail on your personal blog) and how much it upset you? That it was not something you did deliberately, and that you really miss being bigger?


If I'm your loving husband and I hear you say that you never personally felt better about yourself than last winter when you were bigger, then it's going to make a lot more sense to me to watch you systematically consume a lot more food. Have you ever told him what a turn on it was when he came up behind you and rubbed your middle (and I suspect while you'd like to say “belly,” for him, if he has his own self-image body issues, the word “belly” may be too close to “fat” which is too close to “unhealthy” so use a playful term like “when you rub my tummy,” or just call it your middle or something. I don't know what you do physically with him, but if you give him massages, then tell him how much you love to touch his body because it feels so good to you. As you start to “show” and if massages are a regular part of your displays of affection, then go shirtless, or come out of the shower with just a towel on, and massage your own belly and say you're starting to feel more like it does when you touch him, and how much you love touching a real man. 

Perhaps it would be useful if you do something very detailed about the sort of things you want him to hear clearly from you over the coming weeks. Create a list of all the various conversation topics you plan to bring up around mutual friends and your families. How the emphasis is going to be on all the advantages of being bigger—but also on your sheer joy of feeling more manly when you're bigger. If you hang out with his family, don't wait for them to mention the fact you're bigger—based on your husband's reported behavior, I bet there are a lot of issues that aren't “talked about.” Instead, bring it up yourself. Tell your in-laws that you've been trying to “fit into the family better” now that you are officially married—that you think you've been way too small to be a good member of the family, and now you're making up for it.


When I was around 11 or 12, my sister-in-law's 19 year old nephew came to our home (in other words, he was not biologically related to me) and he was very excited. He had always been extremely thin. But his father was a large man, both in height as well as waist size. He proudly declared he was finally getting bigger, and to demonstrate, sat at the dining table, unbuttoned his shirt and showed us his new little pudge was touching the table's edge. 

This is the kind of enthusiasm and playfulness I would like to see from you around your friends, your family, and your husband. I want everyone to clearly and directly hear from you (and especially your husband) that you're so very happy about being bigger. It makes you feel better about yourself. Your friends and family (and work colleagues) don't need to be told, “And I not only feel better about myself, but I also get a real erotic charge from this!” That's what we call “TMI” or “Too Much Information.” People just need to know you're happy about being bigger. Don't look for cues from those around you. Guys like your landlord may notice and comment on it, but a lot of other people will never say anything—and again—they will go with the “Well, if I gained that much weight and I used to be slim, I'd be really upset about it, and so naturally, he's upset and is probably ashamed of letting his weight get so out of control. I won't mention it, because it would just make him feel bad about himself.”

Look—you posted both on here and on your blog your conflicting feeling about discovering a fitness site has posted a belly picture of you as “a bad example.” As someone who has made an actual commitment to gain, being worried about how strangers on the internet on a site you'd never voluntarily visit anyway are judging you without having any context of who you are, and that you're proud of your belly—doesn't make much sense to me. But if you don't make it clear to the people who DO have meaning in your life (unlike the strangers on the fitness site) that being bigger brings you joy, then a number of the people around you are going to have some of the same fat-phobic responses from the fitness site. Go back to the idea of creating a list of things you want to practice saying around friends and family, and especially your husband. Brag about the fact when you were a skinny twink you could barely finish a slice of pizza and now you can eat a large one all by yourself. Talk about how incredible the new bakery is you've discovered and how you can't resist their pastries. For example, when we would go into a certain bakery, my Significant Other would proudly tell the salesperson, “I've gained 20 pounds since we started coming here for your bread.” Make it clear you identify your increased appetite as an accomplishment—that you're proud of the fact you had an extra helping at dinner—keep pushing the idea that you feel you're really “growing into adulthood/manhood.” 


And again, if anyone makes a negative comment, just laugh at them and say “Oh, you think this is big now, you just wait until January 1st!” If they know your husband, laugh and tell them you've decided to make him the little guy in the marriage. All this comes back to you giving an extremely clear message to your husband that being bigger makes you happy. And the best part of doing so? You're telling him the truth. And you're not frightened and waiting for him to bring the topic up. Good luck on your achieving your bellybuilding goals.


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Wow...and wow!


You've hit the nail squarely on the head (including possibly explaining some of conflict I've been having with some of the "other-cultured" people at work. Hm. Saying it that way makes it sound like I think they're somehow impaired - which I don't. I just don't understand them. I'm working with some of the friendlier members of that culture...to see if I can educate myself enough to understand just what the heck is going on and address the core issues that are causing conflict- but that's a tale for a whole other thread).


I read your post earlier and gave it a lot thought before I answered - I can totally see how my own behaviour would be feeding my parter's (erroneous) assumptions of what's been happening with me and my own reactions based on his own context. I *haven't* been honest with him. I was embarrassed at the attention, not because I was truly embarrassed at having gotten so fat but because I assumed he'd think I was crazy for being happy at being fat (esp. since he's not entirely happy with his own plus size). Also I reflexively show shame when someone mentions any weight gain because it's just so damned ingrained into me to do it...and also because I'm worried people will think I'm crazy. I sincerely like how you've reframed it into a positive scenario. 


I realize now that I have be to have the courage to be honest, to state my truth, and affirm to the people around me that a) I'm okay with the fact that I'm getting fat and that I'm happily getting even bigger and b)if they've got an issue with how big I choose body to be, that's their problem, not mine.

My only concern is about the unlikely event that my partner really, truly doesn't find the "bigger, fatter me" to be attractive. And yes, this is...right now...simply a creation in my own brain of my own insecurity and so far has absolutely no basis in reality. But if it does in fact prove to be reality, I'm going to have a hard choice. But I'll cross that bridge if/when I ever come to it (and odds are very good I never will). I think my concern is less about his rejection of me (which - don't get me wrong - would wound me to the core because I actually deeply care what he thinks) but the fact that he would feel stuck being in a marriage to a person to whom he is no longer attracted to. I wouldn't want to wish that kind of hell on anyone. Although, that being said, if he did somehow manage to drop 200 pounds and became some svelte kind of guy, I WOULDN'T stop loving him. I think I'd just find other things to focus on and be attracted to. Although I find his size very attractive, I wouldn't love him any less if that wasn't part of the equation and IF it was just his size that drew me to him in the first place, I don't think we'd still be together. I mean, I know lots of fat guys I can't stand but still find physically attractive. Anyway my point is: I guess I should be giving him some credit for not being a superficial, shallow twink who is only obsessed with looks. 


And scarily, you're right about the landlord - he's a 140 lb Chinese senior. I took it as a compliment when he noticed, especially because he followed it up with the comment "you are looking very prosperous!".


With respect to that article in which I was used as a "fail", after getting over my initial reaction (which I think had more to do with the realization of just how public blogging really is. I sometimes forget that it's not just my friends and supporters reading my words once I put them out into cyberspace), I realized my discomfort lies more in the fact that there will always be people out there who will not understand what it is I'm doing. People who will judge me harshly. And this is total truth: I don't care one bit what total strangers think of me unless it has some ability to negatively impact me (example: someone at work harrassing me and trying to drive me crazy and get me to quit because I'm gay and they're a homophobe and can't stand the thought of working alongside a "faggot". I guess they're afraid of catching "gay cooties". But again, a topic for a different thread). 

I am truly only afraid on certain people's ability to ACT on their bias against me in ways that negatively impact me. Which is why (as I said in the blog) I'm glad I never include face shots or include any personally identifying information. I'm NOT ashamed of myself or what I'm doing, but I have, from horrifying past experience, a healthy respect for the extreme levels of assery that a self-justifying fanatic will attain if they decide they have an axe to grind with me.


Anyway, gauge that one as you will: it's a combination of past actual experience mixed with a heavy dose of what you call "living in my head". I am by nature very cautious...and daresay with a tiny bit of paranoia mixed int...and I think, at least when it comes to my relationship with my husband, may not have served me as well as I thought it was.


I am going to follow your advice and just keep up with the gaining and when he (and others) start to notice, simply declare: "yes, and I'm happy being this way". 


And just keep saying it until I've (finally!) gained enough weight to have the body shape/size I've always wanted.


Thank you for taking so much of your valuable time today to address my concerns. I AM feeling MUCH better about how things are going (and about my future as a gainer!)


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One my favorite parts was the message your landlord gave you--"You're looking prosperous." That's the core message you want to get across to people. The other thing I've found with guys who have finally given into what for some is a near lifelong desire to gain--there's a lot of self-empowerment that comes along with the pounds because you are freely choosing your own path. With delighting in your growing body and that self-empowerment there is almost always a strong sense of self-confidence that comes along for the ride. And here's something that shouldn't be a secret--people who are self confident and comfortable in their own bodies are extremely attractive people, regardless of their waist size--or their age. The other night when I was at the awards dinner for our company, the athlete of the year we named is David Rae who has raised a great deal of money for HIV causes through his annual "life cycle event," where he gets many people to cycle from San Francisco to Los Angeles. He's very fit but I found him very attractive because he was a happy guy and that really made him shine. I spent a lot of time with him and his partner of two years.

And again--re-read what my last post and your last post both touch on--I'm urging you to give the direct message you're happy with your becoming more "prosperous." You're happy feeling bigger and stronger and more manly. That's different than gaining 20 pounds in the next couple of months and waiting for your husband to bring up the business of your gain--because again, he's not likely to mention it. Since he has his own negative self-image about being fat, it's only natural for him to assume you're not happy getting bigger since he's both seen you gain and lose weight, but you mentioned you often have an immediate response of shame when someone points out your success at bellybuilding and that non-verbal response is something he may pay more attention to, since it matches his own worldview. You don't have to tell him you feel better about getting bigger every day--but since you're so new at this, make a point to do it at least once a week.

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