How Can I Help My Partner Be Better At Encouraging?

I would love your advice on a relationship issue.  I love my partner with every fiber of my being--we've been together over seven years now, and I don't intend to change that--but it's hard to know what he really thinks about my gaining.

I started gaining two years into our relationship, and he gave me his approval.  He very obviously wasn't into it and really didn't understand the appeal, but he didn't try and stop me.  He struggles with weight problems and always took issue that I gave up my skinny toned body for a fat one.  He likes fat guys (sometimes), but very much prefers the muscle look.  As I gained, he'd get into it somewhat when we had sex, but most other times it just clearly wasn't a thing for him.  After a certain point, though, he started to get more into it.  He'd encourage me to get extra food or jiggled my gut sometimes, and on more than one occasion the sight of me shirtless was enough to initiate sex--but still, sex was really the only motivator behind all this, I feel.  He'd talk about how big he wants me, or whatever, while we're doing it, but any other time--especially immediately afterwards--he'd have to force that kind of talk.

So, I can tell he's sexually attracted to me and when he's turned on he'll turn into super encourager, but once the deed is done, he seems to regret it.  This all kind of culminated with us having our first real feeding session last month.  We were chatting at work about how he wanted to start playing a more active role in my gaining, which I was head-over-heels about, and told me to get a dozen doughnuts on my way home.  We had the most amazing session that was beyond anything I could have expected from him.  I can tell when he's forcing something, and he was genuinely, 100% into it, and it blew my mind.

I thought this was going to be the beginning of him being a more active encourager, but after that night he sorta drew away from it.  Eventually he confessed that he felt really conflicted about the whole thing, that he was worried about getting me sick and that if I did, he'd feel responsible.  He wants me to be happy and wants to want to help me, but his concerns about my health are keeping that from happening.

I thought this was going to be the beginning of him being a more active encourager, but after that night he sorta drew away from it.  Eventually he confessed that he felt really conflicted about the whole thing, that he was worried about getting me sick and that if I did, he'd feel responsible.  He wants me to be happy and wants to want to help me, but his concerns about my health are keeping that from happening

So I suppose my question is, is there anything I can do to help him get over these concerns so that he can take a more active role in my gaining?  Obviously there are risks in gaining that I've come to terms with it (and I do what I can to minimize them, like going to the gym, walking to work and such...  I could go to the doctor more often, though), but I worry that he'll never be able to put his worries aside and get into it outside of sex.  Should that be enough for me?  Is it right to try and corrupt him, so to speak? 


*************************************************************************************

This something I have often seen in couples.

For a number of individuals, there is an ideal of having a partner behave in a specific way, and have a simultaneous emotional response.  In your case, as I understand it, you would like your partner to have a specific behavior (feeding you/encouraging you/having sex with you) with a specific emotional response (“to be into the behavior”). Just so, you are getting the response you desire (although not as frequently as you’d like) but not the emotional response.There’s a gender stereotype a number of therapists quote—“A man will provide love in order to obtain sex; a woman will provide sex in order to obtain love.” Ideally, both receive from each other what they need, and their relationship is established and maintained in a healthy way.

I am curious what exactly it is your partner wants from you (both in behavior and emotional response).  It may well be your partner is satisfied with the status quo, especially after being together for over seven years. I will also suggest many couples' sexual involvement tends to decrease over time.  This is true for all couples, but in the American Couples Study with 20,000 gay, lesbian, and straight couples, over time, lesbians tend to experience the greatest drop in sex, and gay men tend to experience the least. 

If he (and you) would prefer to have more sex with greater intensity, this might be a motivation to initiate behavioral change, which in his situation would include doing more encourager-related action. What might you offer in return?

I would suggest you approach him with the idea of “re-charging” your sex life as a win/win arrangement. This would also mean exploring with him what sort of specific behaviors he would like from you, just as you need to be as specific about what you desire from him as you’ve been with me.  Then you negotiate with the awareness neither one of you may get 100% of what you want—that’s what negotiation involves.  But it seems to me that if you get say, a 25%-75% improvement than what you have now, you’re both better off.

Let me also explain what a lot of therapists discover—most people have grown up with the idea if you can change someone’s emotional response (for example, with an inspiring and motivating speech), then their behavior will change.  For a very long time, this is how a lot of therapists tried to change a patient’s behavior.  If you had a substance abuse problem, for example, therapy might involve reviewing the harm you would face, which would give you the motivation to stop abusing the drugs or alcohol.  Frankly, in many cases, this resulted in failure. Historically, addiction treatment programs are not outstanding in terms of getting patients “clean” over an extended period of time.

However, we’ve also found if you change a person’s behavior, a human being is quite prone to change his or her emotional response, because, well, people are “wired” that way. Once the behavior is established, to keep mental consistency, the person will discover his or her emotional response will have changed to match the behavior.

This does mean, however, it isn’t “fair” for you to “demand” as part of your initial negotiation, that your partner “feel” a certain way about his behavior.  The negotiation is about specific behavior(s)—not about emotional change, because frankly, a person’s feelings are his or her own.

I think this may be what you are experiencing now--he is attempting to please you, but just as you share with me you feel he is only "pretending" to be sincere in his encouraging, he may be getting powerful non-verbal feedback from you that you're unhappy with his performance--which you report you are.  Does that make sense? You're obviously happy with elements of his behavior, but you're unhappy with what you perceive as his lack of "true" emotional support for you growing the belly you want.

There is  another thing I would suggest, since I don’t know what sort of communications you have between the two of you.  Based on what you’ve shared, I suspect it tends to be relatively uneven, and a lot of “mind-reading” (something I’ve written on here about before) goes on.  This means you might feel you “know” if he’s “into” encouraging you, but you may be “reading” a different response than you think you are. For example, on one level, he may very much want to encourage you and please you, but his own self-image issues and guilt (over potential damage to your health) may “kick in” and that’s what you immediately detect.  To put it another way, it’s quite likely your partner is a complex person with complex responses. When you “read” his hesitation or discomfort, this response may be strong enough where it masks the other responses he’s having. As a metaphor—I’m from the American Southwest, and grew up with very spicy food. When I serve a traditional meal to someone not used to spicy food, he may be focused so completely on the chili peppers, he doesn’t notice the other spices that are also in the food.  In other words—you may already be getting what you want, but you weren’t aware of it.

Here’s an exercise I used to use with couples who had problems with cleanly expressing their sexual interactions. Since you’re obviously very skillful verbally, I would recommend both of you choose a non-verbal behavior that has a specific meaning for the two of you.  I don’t want to recommend one, because each couple should come up with their own.  There isn’t a “one size fits all” for this.  For example, one family I worked with had a step-father who had trouble clearly communicating with his two step-children when he was not happy, and when the kids had “crossed a line” and needed to be disciplined. After a discussion, they mutually agreed that when the gentleman put on a green stocking cap he owned, it was a non-verbal signal to the children he was upset, and they needed to “back off” from what they were doing. What had been a “messy communication” between them became a very “clean” one.  They decided as a husband and wife to do something very similar, where it would be clear when one of them wanted to initiate sex.  As I recall, they did this by putting an artificial rose (you use what you have) in-between the teeth.  I want to emphasize, in this case, a partner has the option to refuse the sexual initiation—perhaps one has other responsibilities, or isn’t feeling well, so the response is not precisely “no,” but is “not at this time.” Again, the two of you need to brainstorm what your mutual “signal” will be.

So—you might mention to your partner you’ve been reading up on a crazy American Indian Couples Therapist, and you found some of his ideas interesting and wanted to explore them with the man you “love with every fiber of my being.” The goal is to re-charge a relationship that’s over seven years old (and I know it’s tempting to do the cliché thing about the “seven year itch,” but that was just an old movie. “Seven Year Itch” was an actual disease from the early 20^th century that really did involve an actual “itch” that lasted for years) and be in a win/win situation where you’re both happy with your relationship now and see there’s a possibility you can both have it become even more positive and rewarding. I would also recommend you look through some of my older posts—you can google “ProfessorFatology” and “Sensual Feeding”—this is a very enjoyable experience for couples and can be a very concrete way of having your partner encourage you in a way that often ends up in a sexual expression before the night (or whenever you choose to do it) is over.

The bottom line—if you are able to get him to change his behavior in specific ways that you have mutually negotiated, it is very likely his emotional response will also end up eventually changing as the behaviors become established. Remember also you will need to be extremely clear if the altered behaviors are indeed pleasing you. This is also one of those things where you don't just say it once, but you reward his desired behavior by positive feedback each time it happens.

I wish the both of you the very best of success.

my attraction for fat men is only a virtual thing?

Hey professor,

something is in my mind for a while, since i was 11 I feel attracted to fat and huge bellies. I watched cartoons where the characters get fattened and was very horny about it and thought I was crazy until I found the Internet community of bears with 12yo. Unfortunately I only have my first sexual experience with 21 years (for fear to come out twice, as gay and as bear).

he was the way I always wanted, fat man with 130 kilos, BUT during sex I did not get so horny as i tought i would be. I thought it was because this was my first sexual experience. Now one year later I tried again with one that would make me even more horny, 150 kilos, and the same thing happened again (although it was much better than the first time).

Well, my doubt is, my atraction for fat men is only by videos and photos? Or it could be nervousness that hinders? Or a condom may be diminishing the pleasure I should feel (cause in oral sex I felt much more pleasure)?

PS: just for u know, in sex i am top (not bottom). and sorry about my english, cause (im from brazil, so im not so good at it

*************************

I’m sorry to say sex isn’t always violins and fireworks.  But it’s understandable.  A pioneer of modern gay culture, Harry Hay, used the term “Gay Window of Consciousness.”  He had the attitude if you were a White, heterosexual, Christian male, you never had to think.  Your whole life has been modeled for you through books, plays, movies, comic books, television, songs, videos, etc. But most men who self identify as gay say they knew they were “different” at an early age, even if at that time they didn’t know what the “difference” was all about.  For Harry, this meant at a young age, gay boys become much more introspective and self-aware than their straight peers They learn to both monitor their behavior and as a form of self-protection, they do their best to hide that “difference.”

For straight boys and girls, when they hit puberty they get to go through what in English is called “puppy love.”  They get crushes.  They get to practice social interactions like going out on dates and experimenting with affection, emotions, and sex.  They learn what works and what doesn’t.

But for gay boys and lesbian girls, they hit puberty and have to bury their true feelings and eroticism.  They don’t get to practice—they don’t get to learn.  In some cases, the more bold ones will find someone else to experiment with, but it will usually be done in secret, with the fear they’ll be discovered.  As a result, for a lot of gay men, their sexual/social/emotional “clock” gets stuck at this point of trauma.   When they come out and accept themselves, this “clock” starts up again—but it no longer matches with the actual age of the person.  In other words, if you don’t come out until you’re 30, your sexual/social/emotional self may be 15.  This can also cause problems if you’re at the sexual/social/emotional age of 15, but you may be partnering someone who is the sexual/social/emotional age of  35, and that can get messy, because there won’t be equity in the relationship.

The other problem is that for a lot of inexperienced gay men, the sources they have for how to be a gay man is a lot like a video game as a model of how to live your life, or survive in your workplace.  You may be great at the game, but those rules might be disastrous out here in the real world. Actually, when I would work with very successful businessmen, they would almost always have a very terrible marriage because they tried to use what made them successful at work with their wives.   Bad choice.

If you are used to being alone and getting your erotic stimulation via the internet and video clips, you’re basically trying to write your own “script,” and you’re only able to use “bits and pieces” of how a relationship works. This isn’t a problem if you’re on a keyboard.  You can pleasure yourself and get the job done.  But when you encounter a real person, 300 pounds or otherwise—he doesn’t know your “script.”  Indeed, he has his own “script” of how he wants things to go.  Having good sex isn’t based completely on knowing you’re a top (or a bottom)—it’s also knowing a rhythm, knowing how to respond to your partner.  There’s a lot of non-verbal communication that you can’t learn very easily from a display screen.  You have to have “hands on experience,” which is what your straight peers were learning years ago.

I also don’t know how much experience the two guys you’ve been with had had when they connected with you. It’s certainly possible the second gentleman was a more experienced bottom than the first one, and he was able to use his knowledge to elicit a better sexual response from you.  But I do think your expectations of how this was supposed to go meant a real disappointment when it didn’t go that way.

One of the things I tell my patients/clients and trainees—“Anything worth doing well is worth doing poorly at first.”  In other words, you don’t expect to be able to surf the first time you step on a surf board, or to be able to be a professional race car driver if you’ve never been behind a wheel before.  You have to practice.  You have to certainly do it more than twice.  With practice it gets better.  It also gets easier.

I would suggest that you take some time and sit down and write out your own “script.” How do you want to be touched? What do you actually want to do with your partner? Be as detailed as possible.  When you meet Mr. Three, this script will be something you’ll share with him—that’s called “negotiating.”  Some of the best people at doing this negotiating are people into S&M, because they have to be extremely clear in terms of what they want and what they will and will not do.  This is discussed before they start to “play.”  And be aware Mr. Three might not want to follow your script exactly—and you may have to bargain, in the sense of “I’ll do X, if you’ll do Y.”  You can even consider showing him a video that’s really erotic for you and tell him, “Let’s do that.”

Remember, until you get to practice with a real person, you won’t get the necessary feedback of what you’re doing that really works, and what is a hold over for your pleasuring yourself in private—which is completely about you and your own rhythms, and not about synching up with another human being. Writing out your own script should also help you realize what you’re specifically looking for when you encounter Mr Three—and the men who will come after him.

Practice. Don’t toss everything away based on two encounters.  That would be like a 15 year old who went out on two dates and decided he’ll never marry anyone and live happily ever after.  I think you can get a lot better at this.   But you won’t get better at it if you stay on-line—you’ll just get better at being on-line.  I wish you a very successful and happy sex life.

 

Do I Want To Get Fat Or Do I Want To Get Fit?

Dear Professor,

 I've been reading your blog for a while now and I decided to finally ask you a question that has been on my mind for months. I'm currently 18 years old and I'm at a point where I can't decided if I want to be fat or if I want to get fit. Some days, when I feel like getting fat, I don't care about much other than trying to gain. All I want to do is eat until I gain that big belly I've wanted for a while. And I will act upon it by consuming mass amounts of calories. But most of the time, I want to lose my weight because I feel like there is no one out there who would be interested in me. I feel as if I were to gain wriggle, the type of people I like would vanish. Yes, I know it might be an irrational fear and that there is a big community of gainers, feeders, etc. but I like a specific set of one people when I want to be fit and another load of people when I feel gluttonous. Do you have any help on which path I should take?

****************

This is what we call in the health professional world “a self-limiting condition.” In other words, it’s something you’ll “grow out of” (and yes, that was a pun) over a period of time.

Here’s part of being 18 years old: the fat/fit split is a powerful metaphor for doing the child/adult transition thing. It can be a painful process and there’s usually no one to hold your hand as you walk down the path.  The support you’re most likely to find are peers, who are either chubby themselves (and suffer the society-shaped sense of shame about it) or the fit and athletic peers who mock the chubby ones, not realizing within another 5 years or so, they’ll be buying larger pants on a regular basis.

There was an instructive book done some time ago by Gail Sheehy, called Passages, where she looked at the reflections of many men based on their age groups.  Basically she found when you are in your late teens to twenties, you feel every door is open to you---life is full of possibilities, and your obligation is to find the right path for you.  Men in their 30s have usually been on the chosen path for awhile, and their obligation for their age group is to become the best “fill in the blank” sort of person/worker they can be, based on that choice.  For example, if you chose the path of becoming a rich banker, you strive to become the very best and richest banker you can be, and you make that your priority over friends, family, and personal needs.  Men in their 40s start to question, “Did I make the right choice?” This is when they begin to question if all the sacrifice—of friends, family, and personal needs was worth the cost of success.  This is particularly a problem if they really haven’t been all that successful.  This is where the term “mid-life crisis” comes from  According to Sheehy, the 50s are when men realize that many of the metaphoric doors they closed decades ago are often still ones that can be opened, so the 50s can be a time of re-examination and perhaps taking back what was given up many years ago.  If things go well, the 60s can be a time of great satisfaction and integration.

The point of this? You’re at the “what should I do?” stage of your development.  This is perfectly normal. In my personal experience in the gaining community, This push/pull—fit/fat is something a lot of people in their teens and twenties go through.  Part of it is how much people of this age value peer approval and a sense of “fitting in.” I suspect if you were surrounded physically by a lot of gainers, rather than knowing a lot of them via the internet, you wouldn’t be writing me, but you’d be busy on your second milkshake. There is also for some people your age the question, “Would I have a  better chance at a good job if I were athletic looking, rather than fat?”

When a lot of “wannabe” gainers hit their 30s, they enter a “perfect storm.”  Developmentally, a lot of 30somethings have achieved enough self-confidence and self-assuredness the full approval of people around them doesn’t always shape their lives.  Men in their 30s are also normally much better off financially than guys in their teens and 20s, which means they can afford more food and replacing clothing.  If they’re doing well in their jobs, their weight is so not an issue (unless they are a professional model, dancer, or in positions with weight limits, like a flight attendant). Indeed, if they are in administrative positions, the young people they supervise will see a role model of someone with, well, actual rolls. Just so, I encounter a lot of guys in their 30s who tell me, “I finally felt safe enough to let go and become the fat guy I always wanted to be, but was too scared to embrace.”

I also see a lot of men in their 40s (i.e., questioning if the choice they made for themselves in their 20s to be “fit” was the right choice, or if it was too big of a sacrifice), and in their 50s (i.e., realizing they can make other decisions than the ones they made in their 20s) suddenly stop dieting and blow up to become the size they’ve fantasized about being for decades.

 Go to www.fit2fat2fit.com – this is the website for a personal trainer who had never been out of shape, and decided to better understand his overweight clients, deliberately decided to gain around 50 pounds over six months, then reverse to process. To his shock, he was much better at gaining than he had anticipated and gained closer to 80. This week completed his year’s journey.  His photos, videos, and blog posts documenting this journey will give you proof that whatever decision you make—doesn’t mean you have to live with it the rest of your life. If you start with a six pack and gain 80 pounds, you can still end up with a six pack.

And at 18, it’s also natural to ask, if you haven’t been in a terrific first love (or first sexual) relationship—“Would I be in one if my waist size was 28?  If my waist size was 48?”  You will always have an audience—but it may be a different audience if you’re a size 28 than it is I you’re a size 48.  You will have a specific audience of admirers because you’re 18, who will usually not be the same audience of admirers when you’re 38.  But everyone has an audience of admirers.

And this is something not mentioned as much on gaining sites.  There are some people for whom the fantasy of gaining is incredibly erotic, but when they go ahead and try it, they discover that path isn’t really for them. Gaining weight can be hard work for some. One of our statesmen “Fatnesse” http://fatnesse.blogspot.com   talks about how for some people, they might enjoy the gain, but don’t like the way it makes their face looks with a double chin and chubby cheeks. Others have dreamed of a ball belly, and discover their genetics gives them a “double belly” with a low hanger. For others, it may be like an athletic competition—you have proven you can do it, and don’t need to continue to prove it.  But you know what lottery ads say—“If you don’t play, you can’t win.” When it comes to gaining, if you don’t try, you won’t know if it’s what you ultimately want.

If you decide (and I emphasize, this is your body, your choice) for the present, you aren’t going to chub out—the chances are, you’re going to experiment with it later on down the road.  Of all the gainers I’ve known—I have met and spoken with many who waited, and told me, “I’m sorry I wasted so many years of dieting and gym, when being this size is so satisfying to me—I only wish I had gone ahead and done it when I first wanted to.”  I haven’t met that many who said, “Oh, thank god I waited for years to do what has brought me so much joy and erotic fulfillment. Thank god I sacrificed and suffered to have the lean body I never really wanted.”

Good luck—let me know what happens.

Unsure How To Approach Boyfriend About This?

Rundown: Trying to find ways to justify my fetish and come out to my boyfriend, but it's hard to do. Details below..

I've been with my partner for a couple of years now. When I first met him in college, he was very underweight. At one point, I think he got down to 140 pounds and he stands over 6 feet tall. Now, I think he is closer to 180, and much of that is my fault, I think.

It's very hard to not "be" a secret feeder. I kind of feel like my joking warnings and evidence of past partners' weight gain would be sufficient warning for him. It's known within circles of friends that people who live with me tend to put on weight, because I enjoy cooking and baking and giving food gifts to friends. So it shouldn't come to a surprise that he's put on weight. Maybe I could cook soups with skim instead of cream or whole milk, or use less butter, or whatever, but I like things to taste good for people. That's how I cook things.. or is that validation for my secretive tendencies? I feel that maybe he knows enough to realize that yeah, my last boyfriend gained 80 pounds, so obviously there's a pattern here. But I cook because I enjoy it, and he asks for certain things, and he really does enjoy my cooking. It's like he has me trained to cook and prepare food for him (batting his eyes and saying his stomach is growling, or texting me and asking "what's cookin??" It's not like he's oblivious to his noticeable weight gain. It's not like I've sneaked weight gain powders into something, but I got very worried when I actually had considered it. It scares me I would consider going that far. It's enough that I might slip a little extra butter into something, or purposely buy the soda that has more calories.. and even those behaviors I know are suspect and frowned upon.

Another thing is.. he doesn't seem super proactive about losing any weight, at least to this point. He's gotten comments from family and friends, that he's put on weight, he has a noticeable belly that was never there before, or straight-up that he's gotten fat (which honestly, I don't think he has, he just is heavier than he ever has been and it's a startling change from the unhealthy weight he was at before). He just laughs or shrugs or teases back, and will often say, "Yeah, I know" or "Yeah, you too!" He doesn't seem very.. concerned. Sure he's made some remarks. He'll slouch in front of the mirror and pout, he'll shake his gut. He'll idly squeeze his belly sometimes while watching TV, like he's fascinated with it, like it's a foreign entity that's stuck to him. But he doesn't seem angry.

He'll make comments about his weight sometimes. And I'll smile or laugh or scoff, and I'll say, "Oh, please, you don't need to lose weight" or "You're fine the way you are." I'll often tell him how sexy he is, and how much I love his body. But is this enabling? Is this evil? He never really acknowledges my comments; like, nothing constructive comes out of it. I'll say, "Oh, you're not fat, you don't need to worry" when he makes a comment, and he won't continue the conversation and say something else, or say something to the effect of "whatever, I'm a fatty fat mcfatterson!" then drop it. Things are never said in disgust. I don't know if he enjoys it, doesn't care, or what. He just seems so blase about it all. However, he is critical of fat people. He doesn't like fat chicks. If he watches a particularly harrowing TV or movie documentary about obesity, he'll express some concern for himself, even though he is NOWHERE near obese. And not that I want him to be. I just like my men fleshy, with nice asses and soft, round bellies.

But I *think* he knows some of my fantasy and attraction. Every now and again, he'll be like, "Ooh, watch this, I'll eat the whole thing!" and crams a big, sloppy spoonful of ice cream in his mouth, or lick off a blob of sour cream. I don't know if he's doing it just because he thinks it's funny and he thinks it'll gross me out, or if he's testing me, or if I'm thinking way too into this.

Other things that make me wonder.. he'll make comments. "Well, now that I'm older and fatter, even large shirts are barely fitting me" "Would you still find me attractive if I looked like THAT guy? *points to an obese guy walking down the street" and other remarks in a similar vein. I try to be vague or non-responsive, so that I won't out myself, but it's hard. Of course, I'd love him whether he was 150 or 500 pounds, though I would be very worried about his health at 500, and would never want him to be close to that size. But I'm afraid a straight confirmation or denial on my part would be my poker tell.

And I panic. I panicked when he took a short gym class in college. He occasionally will get in the mood that he wants to be healthy or lose weight and be motivated for a day or two. I feel insane, like this awkwardly constructed world and fantasy I've created could completely disappear, and I feel so guilty. So I try to be supportive, so that I don't reveal my inner fantasy to him. I have stopped buying candy bars that were on sale and leaving them in the cupboard. I don't get agitated if he doesn't finish a meal, something I now realize I did with my ex and I feel horrible about. I definitely offer to bring my partner to the gym, and talk about fun exercises we could do. I think I make very concerted efforts to engage him in physical activity, or agree that I'll make more greens and veg when he's on a very brief and infrequent "health kick." I try to get him to go on walks or hikes or runs, but more often than not, he dismisses it and doesn't feel like it. He doesn't do much to solve the problem, if it were. But, he also is not appearing to be depressed or despondent about the situation, at all.

It's so hard to justify this and be comfortable with it. It's still hard for me to admit to anyone that I am a chubby chaser, a FA, whatever you would call it. I relish his body; I think he would be even sexier if he put on some more weight. Not like a huge SSBHM or anything; I love to do outdoorsy things with him, and I want my partner to not be suffering or immobile. But there's something about that extra meat, the extra weight, the softness to his body, everything about it is so incredibly attractive. But I feel guilty, like I shouldn't be holding these secret thoughts or plans. I feel conflicted, because I don't know how aware he is of my preference for chubby guys. I'm afraid for him to lose weight, because I'm afraid I may not be as attracted. I'm afraid I'd have to "amp up" the feeding game. He talks about the place we are moving to and how he'll be doing lots of walk and he'll just lose weight that way, but I don't want that. I think he's at a healthy weight for his height, but I feel evil for justifying that for my own attractiveness to him. I think one thing that frustrates me is that he never elaborates on my comments. If he says, "I'm fat! I need to lose weight!" and I say, "No, you don't, you're fine the way you are!" he never says, "Well, why do you say that?" It's like I want him to pry it out of me, in a way that's comfortable.

I feel like I haven't a good way to bring this up. I don't think I could ever just say, "I want you to eat whatever you want and I'd like it if you would gain weight because I think it's sexy and you're sexy and that turns me on so much!" but I'm sure there's a way I can say it that wouldn't be so bizarre. But I feel like I don't have a good opportunity. He's not one for lots of meaningful, deep talks all the time, so I don't think he'd take me seriously. The only acknowledgment he gives when I compliment him is a playful, "I know! Aren't you lucky to have a sexy man like me!" and that's not even me specifically referring to his weight. He's not a very serious person, somewhat goofy and even aloof, so I am really sure I could not positively predict his reaction.

I know this is long-winded, but my thoughts are all muddled. I don't know how to unravel this complicated situation. I want him to know how much I love his body and how attractive he is.. if he doesn't know this already? I don't want to feel guilty cooking. I don't want him to be all skinny boy like he was before. But I don't know how to approach this. Do I drop the big bomb and just freak him out? Are my subtle hints and words not doing the job? Or maybe he already knows? Maybe he doesn't have an opinion one way or another? Someone here must have been in a similar situation.. how did it turn out for you? What would you recommend I do?

I love him no matter what, and if he wanted to be an anorexic person, I would still love him.. but, like many people here I'm sure, I think my attractiveness level to that would diminish, because I would rather be cuddling with a meaty man, who had big strong arms and a squishy belly and thick thighs, rather than a skeleton.

******************************************************************************************************

You know, I’m a Family Therapist with years of experience working with couples.  One of the most common problems is something we professionally call “mind-reading” because humans tend to be so bad at it. “Mind reading” is when you think, “Hmm…if I do this behavior, then it means X.”  And it DOES mean X for you.  But if your boyfriend does the same behavior, it may not mean X for him.

For example, assuming you are both standard college age—in your 20’s (you list your age as 29), humans don’t tend to reach their full physical growth until the age of 24 or so. Just so, if your boyfriend had never met you and had gone to college in a different state, it’s quite possible he would have gone from 140 to 180, anyway. You may stress out (and secretly enjoy) over the idea you have the Power to fatten him up, and you keep taking the credit (and the guilt, along with the excitement) he’s fat because of you.  But you clearly report you’re not chaining him to the table and force-feeding him.  He’s swallowing every bite and he’s clear he’s not going to stick to a regular exercise plan.

Let’s go back to the mind reading, but this time look at his experience with you. I don’t know how much he’s paid attention to your past boyfriends to get a sense to be with you means always having to buy larger clothes.  This is one of those “THINGS I NOTICE CAREFULLY,” on your part, but he may be a man where the last thing he wants to poke around about is your history of ex-boyfriends. Want to know why? Because they ARE your ex’s. And if I were your boyfriend, one of the things I might try to mind read with you leads to the (for me as your boyfriend) conclusion once a boyfriend has been  with you for awhile and gotten fat, then you end the relationship.  This leads to the obvious conclusion—if I get too fat, she will dump me just like she has her other former boyfriends. 

See how “dangerous” mind reading can be?

Hold on to that thought for a moment.

Look very closely at his extended family.  If he was always the “skinny twig” (and at his height and at 140 pounds, he certainly was) and his parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents are all chubby, then he has very likely internalized the idea “boy equals skinny, man equals being well-bellied.”  In other words, with your mind reading, you see yourself secretly encouraging him to gain (and then feeling guilty about it) while he may be thinking how happy he is he’s finally becoming a real man.  In terms of gender differences, in American society, women who gain weight are seen as “losing control,” while men who gain weight are often seen as “large and in charge,” a “gentle giant, “ a “teddy bear,” or “throwing their weight around.” You aren’t with him all the time.  It may well be as he’s increased in size, he feels more powerful (and gets noticed more) when he engages with other people.

Now—let’s go back to mind reading. In my experience as a therapist, you seem like many people I’ve worked with, where you are frequently “out of the moment,” because your normal way of thinking about things is to “step out” of your body and look at what’s going on, and trying to analyze it. This can be an attempt for you to always try to control the situation.  But it also means you would tend to delay a response while you do a quick “video” inside your head, working through your possible responses and monitoring your boyfriend’s every response as a way of getting more data to apply to your mind reading. That’s not only a great way to make you feel “crazy,” but it also means when your boyfriend makes a comment or asks a question (“Would you still want me if I looked like that 300 pound guy over there?”) you don’t give an immediate answer. If your boyfriend is trying to mind read you by your delayed response, his conclusion may be that you aren’t being truthful, or that like so many politicians, you’re trying to put a “spin” on your response—so you’re not precisely lying, but you’re not telling him the whole truth.  And in this case? He’d be right.  You aren’t being completely honest with him, because inside your head (i.e., mind reading) you’re projecting what his response will be and then crafting your comments on that response, rather than letting him actually give you his own words and feelings.

I’m a person of color. Based on your posts, I’m going to assume you are not. This is important because as a person of color, I know from years of firsthand experience what the difference is between “toleration” and “celebration.”  In the old days, this would be described as “You can come into my house, as long as you act White.  Don’t you be flaunting your ethnicity at me.” (“Or if you are gay—don’t be shoving your sexual orientation into my face.”) I might even let you eat at my house, but only if you don’t do anything too foreign—like ask me for chop sticks instead of a fork, and you don’t bring something odd to add to the table.  In other words, I want you to behave like a civilized human being—which means acting exactly the way I do.”

That’s what “tolerance” is all about—as someone who is “different” the message is clearly—“I will tolerate you as long as you behave the way I think you should behave.”  Believe me—that sort of attitude never makes someone like me feel welcomed.

“Celebrated” is when you ask me how I think and feel about things, and you don’t immediately scream or criticize me if I think and feel differently about some things than you.  It’s about you being excited about my bringing a dish to the table that you’ve never tasted, because you might have a chance to expand and improve your own experience.

This is all a metaphor about your boyfriend.  From what you’ve reported, you seem to be very good at giving him a message of “I tolerate you gaining weight.” (And the sad thing—internally you really are celebrating it.)  Go back and look at the comments you’ve posted—

 I'll say, "Oh, you're not fat, you don't need to worry" when he makes a comment, and he won't continue the conversation and say something else, or say something to the effect of "whatever, I'm a fatty fat mcfatterson!" then drop it.

Even though you mean well, you’re mind reading him—you’re making it up in your head that he must be feeling guilty/unworthy/bad/shameful that he now has a belly.  And what do you do? You openly deny the fact he’s fat—“Oh, you’re not fat, you don’t need to worry” (which by the way, if you follow that logic, it means—“If you are fat then you need to worry.” Whoa—that’s major tolerance and not celebration. If I were your boyfriend and I call myself fatty fat mcfatterson, I’ll probably “drop it” because the feedback I get back from you is so non-supportive.  And this is one of the things that drives you crazy (and frankly, one of the things that poison a healthy relationship) because, again, internally you are thinking exactly the opposite of what you are saying out loud.

Let’s go back to mind reading.  I’m your boyfriend and I enjoy your cooking and attention.  I know you used to put stacks of candy bars where I would always know where to find them. But then you make noises about “Oh, you’re not fat, you don’t need to worry,” and then you cut off my supply of candy bars. Hmm…that means if I mind read you as your boyfriend, “She must be depriving me of those yummy candy bars because she wants me to lose weight. I keep dropping hints of how much I enjoy playing with the new me, and she seems to freeze, as if she’s trying to think of what to say, and then she’ll mention things that either tell me I’m wrong, (“Oh, you’re not fat”) or she’ll change the subject, rather than acknowledging the reality of what I see in the mirror, what I can jiggle, and what my friends and family keeps pointing to.  How in denial she must be.”

See how dangerous mind reading can be?

Here are some suggestions:

A)     If you change a behavior, offer an explanation of why you’ve changed your behavior—otherwise your boyfriend will have no choice but to try mind reading what the change in behavior means. Just why did you stop stocking up on candy bars?  How would it feel for you to say, “You know, the place where I shop stopped carrying the candy bars you liked, but now they have them in again—so I went ahead and stocked up on them.” That gives him a context of understanding why you stopped buying them and why you’ve started again. And he doesn’t have to mind read that you stopped because you wanted him to lose weight, or that you’ve started again because you want him to gain.

B)     We have a saying in therapy—“What you resist will persist.”  This is what happens when he says, “Wow, I’m fat,” and you respond, “No, you’re not.” In teaching therapy I’ll have one person put out his/her hand and ask the first person to press against the hand of a second person.  If they both push back, then nothing moves.  That’s what is happening in your relationship.  Yes I am/No you’re not.  Stop pushing back.  If he says, “Look at this gut! I’m a fat fatty mcfatterson” – this is your perfect opportunity to pat his sexy belly and say, “I love looking at that gut.  And I know you’re MY fat fatty mcfatterson.” That’s not “pushing back.” It’s not denying his own reality and experience. And most of all—it gives you the chance to be completely honest, but without the necessity of trying to explain what you call a “fetish” to him. By the way, as a therapist, I don’t use terms like “fetish,” but I will use the word “kink.” Gaining weight increases his erotic attraction for you, but clearly you cared about him when he was a twig, so the eroticism isn’t completely dependent on his belly.  His belly has simply increased your erotic attraction. This would be like a guy finding his brunette girlfriend attractive, but finding her even “hotter” if she goes blonde. Frankly, he doesn’t need a lot of details—he just need a clear and consistent message from you that you acknowledge and recognize the fact he’s bigger than when you first got together and you’re very happy with that fact.  The other thing that you’re doing—rather than “pushing back,” is that you’re “matching” him in terms of his behavior and his emotional response.  You keep reporting you expect him to be ashamed/uncomfortable about his belly, when his response to it is to be amazed by it, to explore it, to grab and jiggle it. What would happen if he says, “Look at this belly—I’m a fat guy!” And you respond: “I’m looking at that belly and I really like what I see. Let’s see what it looks like after I bake up a batch of chocolate chip cookies for you to enjoy.” Related  to this is his comment about seeing an old friend who has dropped a lot of weight and looks like the cover of a Men’s Health magazine—“I’m going to look like him!” And you respond with a “push back,” No, you’re not.  You’re fine the way you are.” Again, you had the best of intentions, but you did a “push back,” but this time in the opposite direction—which means you got the same results.

C)     If he stands in front of the mirror and jiggles his new belly, what would happen if you step behind him and duplicate his behavior and then say, “How can you keep your hands off all this sexiness all day? I can hardly keep my hands off!” This is what we call in therapy “matching” or “mirroring” what your partner is doing.

Finally—here’s what I know from our clinic’s study of couples.  When a partner deliberately chooses to lose weight when there is no medical reason to do so, it almost always means that person is considering an affair.  The partner is losing weight to “compete” in the dating market. For many men (and women), being in a long term relationship means you are allowed to relax and have that second piece of pie, or another candy bar, because you know you’re loved by your partner, and you don’t have to work at seducing a stranger by having the “perfect standard body.” His enjoyment of his weight gain may also be connected to the sense he’s in a comfortable relationship. Think about your words and your actions—how do you directly (in other words, how do you give him honest feedback so he doesn’t have to mind read your confusing behavior) give him the message food equals love? How does he give you the message he accepts your love? You’ve already told me that when you wrote: “I don't get agitated if he doesn't finish a meal, something I now realize I did with my ex and I feel horrible about.”  One thing I urge people I’m treating—if your partner does something you enjoy, comment on the fact you enjoy it. If he finishes his plate and asks for seconds, hand him a refilled plate and tell him how good it makes you feel to know he appreciates all the effort you put into cooking for him.  That’s clear and direct communication that underlines “food equals love.”  “You accepting the food is accepting my love.” And if he doesn’t finish his plate? In the past you started mind reading—“What does it mean he didn’t finish his serving?”  And you know? Sometimes his behavior has nothing to do with you.  Maybe he stopped on the way home to have a drink with a buddy and they ordered a big plate of nachos, so when he got home, he was already full. Maybe he was feeling a little under the weather but didn’t want to worry you by mentioning it.  Maybe he was really stressed out from work or school, which made him lose his appetite, but he didn’t tell you because he didn’t want to stress you out.  So—stop pushing back. Agree with him—don’t “push back.” Don’t put him into a position where he has to mind read you—be clear and direct.  The message of “food equals love” for you is honest and doesn’t force you to go into “Too Much Information,” where you start describing your deeply erotic fantasies—which are great for you to use in your creative writing.  But you know, if you clearly communicate “food equals love,” and that “you’re MY fatty fat mcfatterson,” your erotic fantasies may come true naturally.  Good luck.