Unsure How To Approach Boyfriend About This?

Rundown: Trying to find ways to justify my fetish and come out to my boyfriend, but it's hard to do. Details below..

I've been with my partner for a couple of years now. When I first met him in college, he was very underweight. At one point, I think he got down to 140 pounds and he stands over 6 feet tall. Now, I think he is closer to 180, and much of that is my fault, I think.

It's very hard to not "be" a secret feeder. I kind of feel like my joking warnings and evidence of past partners' weight gain would be sufficient warning for him. It's known within circles of friends that people who live with me tend to put on weight, because I enjoy cooking and baking and giving food gifts to friends. So it shouldn't come to a surprise that he's put on weight. Maybe I could cook soups with skim instead of cream or whole milk, or use less butter, or whatever, but I like things to taste good for people. That's how I cook things.. or is that validation for my secretive tendencies? I feel that maybe he knows enough to realize that yeah, my last boyfriend gained 80 pounds, so obviously there's a pattern here. But I cook because I enjoy it, and he asks for certain things, and he really does enjoy my cooking. It's like he has me trained to cook and prepare food for him (batting his eyes and saying his stomach is growling, or texting me and asking "what's cookin??" It's not like he's oblivious to his noticeable weight gain. It's not like I've sneaked weight gain powders into something, but I got very worried when I actually had considered it. It scares me I would consider going that far. It's enough that I might slip a little extra butter into something, or purposely buy the soda that has more calories.. and even those behaviors I know are suspect and frowned upon.

Another thing is.. he doesn't seem super proactive about losing any weight, at least to this point. He's gotten comments from family and friends, that he's put on weight, he has a noticeable belly that was never there before, or straight-up that he's gotten fat (which honestly, I don't think he has, he just is heavier than he ever has been and it's a startling change from the unhealthy weight he was at before). He just laughs or shrugs or teases back, and will often say, "Yeah, I know" or "Yeah, you too!" He doesn't seem very.. concerned. Sure he's made some remarks. He'll slouch in front of the mirror and pout, he'll shake his gut. He'll idly squeeze his belly sometimes while watching TV, like he's fascinated with it, like it's a foreign entity that's stuck to him. But he doesn't seem angry.

He'll make comments about his weight sometimes. And I'll smile or laugh or scoff, and I'll say, "Oh, please, you don't need to lose weight" or "You're fine the way you are." I'll often tell him how sexy he is, and how much I love his body. But is this enabling? Is this evil? He never really acknowledges my comments; like, nothing constructive comes out of it. I'll say, "Oh, you're not fat, you don't need to worry" when he makes a comment, and he won't continue the conversation and say something else, or say something to the effect of "whatever, I'm a fatty fat mcfatterson!" then drop it. Things are never said in disgust. I don't know if he enjoys it, doesn't care, or what. He just seems so blase about it all. However, he is critical of fat people. He doesn't like fat chicks. If he watches a particularly harrowing TV or movie documentary about obesity, he'll express some concern for himself, even though he is NOWHERE near obese. And not that I want him to be. I just like my men fleshy, with nice asses and soft, round bellies.

But I *think* he knows some of my fantasy and attraction. Every now and again, he'll be like, "Ooh, watch this, I'll eat the whole thing!" and crams a big, sloppy spoonful of ice cream in his mouth, or lick off a blob of sour cream. I don't know if he's doing it just because he thinks it's funny and he thinks it'll gross me out, or if he's testing me, or if I'm thinking way too into this.

Other things that make me wonder.. he'll make comments. "Well, now that I'm older and fatter, even large shirts are barely fitting me" "Would you still find me attractive if I looked like THAT guy? *points to an obese guy walking down the street" and other remarks in a similar vein. I try to be vague or non-responsive, so that I won't out myself, but it's hard. Of course, I'd love him whether he was 150 or 500 pounds, though I would be very worried about his health at 500, and would never want him to be close to that size. But I'm afraid a straight confirmation or denial on my part would be my poker tell.

And I panic. I panicked when he took a short gym class in college. He occasionally will get in the mood that he wants to be healthy or lose weight and be motivated for a day or two. I feel insane, like this awkwardly constructed world and fantasy I've created could completely disappear, and I feel so guilty. So I try to be supportive, so that I don't reveal my inner fantasy to him. I have stopped buying candy bars that were on sale and leaving them in the cupboard. I don't get agitated if he doesn't finish a meal, something I now realize I did with my ex and I feel horrible about. I definitely offer to bring my partner to the gym, and talk about fun exercises we could do. I think I make very concerted efforts to engage him in physical activity, or agree that I'll make more greens and veg when he's on a very brief and infrequent "health kick." I try to get him to go on walks or hikes or runs, but more often than not, he dismisses it and doesn't feel like it. He doesn't do much to solve the problem, if it were. But, he also is not appearing to be depressed or despondent about the situation, at all.

It's so hard to justify this and be comfortable with it. It's still hard for me to admit to anyone that I am a chubby chaser, a FA, whatever you would call it. I relish his body; I think he would be even sexier if he put on some more weight. Not like a huge SSBHM or anything; I love to do outdoorsy things with him, and I want my partner to not be suffering or immobile. But there's something about that extra meat, the extra weight, the softness to his body, everything about it is so incredibly attractive. But I feel guilty, like I shouldn't be holding these secret thoughts or plans. I feel conflicted, because I don't know how aware he is of my preference for chubby guys. I'm afraid for him to lose weight, because I'm afraid I may not be as attracted. I'm afraid I'd have to "amp up" the feeding game. He talks about the place we are moving to and how he'll be doing lots of walk and he'll just lose weight that way, but I don't want that. I think he's at a healthy weight for his height, but I feel evil for justifying that for my own attractiveness to him. I think one thing that frustrates me is that he never elaborates on my comments. If he says, "I'm fat! I need to lose weight!" and I say, "No, you don't, you're fine the way you are!" he never says, "Well, why do you say that?" It's like I want him to pry it out of me, in a way that's comfortable.

I feel like I haven't a good way to bring this up. I don't think I could ever just say, "I want you to eat whatever you want and I'd like it if you would gain weight because I think it's sexy and you're sexy and that turns me on so much!" but I'm sure there's a way I can say it that wouldn't be so bizarre. But I feel like I don't have a good opportunity. He's not one for lots of meaningful, deep talks all the time, so I don't think he'd take me seriously. The only acknowledgment he gives when I compliment him is a playful, "I know! Aren't you lucky to have a sexy man like me!" and that's not even me specifically referring to his weight. He's not a very serious person, somewhat goofy and even aloof, so I am really sure I could not positively predict his reaction.

I know this is long-winded, but my thoughts are all muddled. I don't know how to unravel this complicated situation. I want him to know how much I love his body and how attractive he is.. if he doesn't know this already? I don't want to feel guilty cooking. I don't want him to be all skinny boy like he was before. But I don't know how to approach this. Do I drop the big bomb and just freak him out? Are my subtle hints and words not doing the job? Or maybe he already knows? Maybe he doesn't have an opinion one way or another? Someone here must have been in a similar situation.. how did it turn out for you? What would you recommend I do?

I love him no matter what, and if he wanted to be an anorexic person, I would still love him.. but, like many people here I'm sure, I think my attractiveness level to that would diminish, because I would rather be cuddling with a meaty man, who had big strong arms and a squishy belly and thick thighs, rather than a skeleton.

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You know, I’m a Family Therapist with years of experience working with couples.  One of the most common problems is something we professionally call “mind-reading” because humans tend to be so bad at it. “Mind reading” is when you think, “Hmm…if I do this behavior, then it means X.”  And it DOES mean X for you.  But if your boyfriend does the same behavior, it may not mean X for him.

For example, assuming you are both standard college age—in your 20’s (you list your age as 29), humans don’t tend to reach their full physical growth until the age of 24 or so. Just so, if your boyfriend had never met you and had gone to college in a different state, it’s quite possible he would have gone from 140 to 180, anyway. You may stress out (and secretly enjoy) over the idea you have the Power to fatten him up, and you keep taking the credit (and the guilt, along with the excitement) he’s fat because of you.  But you clearly report you’re not chaining him to the table and force-feeding him.  He’s swallowing every bite and he’s clear he’s not going to stick to a regular exercise plan.

Let’s go back to the mind reading, but this time look at his experience with you. I don’t know how much he’s paid attention to your past boyfriends to get a sense to be with you means always having to buy larger clothes.  This is one of those “THINGS I NOTICE CAREFULLY,” on your part, but he may be a man where the last thing he wants to poke around about is your history of ex-boyfriends. Want to know why? Because they ARE your ex’s. And if I were your boyfriend, one of the things I might try to mind read with you leads to the (for me as your boyfriend) conclusion once a boyfriend has been  with you for awhile and gotten fat, then you end the relationship.  This leads to the obvious conclusion—if I get too fat, she will dump me just like she has her other former boyfriends. 

See how “dangerous” mind reading can be?

Hold on to that thought for a moment.

Look very closely at his extended family.  If he was always the “skinny twig” (and at his height and at 140 pounds, he certainly was) and his parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents are all chubby, then he has very likely internalized the idea “boy equals skinny, man equals being well-bellied.”  In other words, with your mind reading, you see yourself secretly encouraging him to gain (and then feeling guilty about it) while he may be thinking how happy he is he’s finally becoming a real man.  In terms of gender differences, in American society, women who gain weight are seen as “losing control,” while men who gain weight are often seen as “large and in charge,” a “gentle giant, “ a “teddy bear,” or “throwing their weight around.” You aren’t with him all the time.  It may well be as he’s increased in size, he feels more powerful (and gets noticed more) when he engages with other people.

Now—let’s go back to mind reading. In my experience as a therapist, you seem like many people I’ve worked with, where you are frequently “out of the moment,” because your normal way of thinking about things is to “step out” of your body and look at what’s going on, and trying to analyze it. This can be an attempt for you to always try to control the situation.  But it also means you would tend to delay a response while you do a quick “video” inside your head, working through your possible responses and monitoring your boyfriend’s every response as a way of getting more data to apply to your mind reading. That’s not only a great way to make you feel “crazy,” but it also means when your boyfriend makes a comment or asks a question (“Would you still want me if I looked like that 300 pound guy over there?”) you don’t give an immediate answer. If your boyfriend is trying to mind read you by your delayed response, his conclusion may be that you aren’t being truthful, or that like so many politicians, you’re trying to put a “spin” on your response—so you’re not precisely lying, but you’re not telling him the whole truth.  And in this case? He’d be right.  You aren’t being completely honest with him, because inside your head (i.e., mind reading) you’re projecting what his response will be and then crafting your comments on that response, rather than letting him actually give you his own words and feelings.

I’m a person of color. Based on your posts, I’m going to assume you are not. This is important because as a person of color, I know from years of firsthand experience what the difference is between “toleration” and “celebration.”  In the old days, this would be described as “You can come into my house, as long as you act White.  Don’t you be flaunting your ethnicity at me.” (“Or if you are gay—don’t be shoving your sexual orientation into my face.”) I might even let you eat at my house, but only if you don’t do anything too foreign—like ask me for chop sticks instead of a fork, and you don’t bring something odd to add to the table.  In other words, I want you to behave like a civilized human being—which means acting exactly the way I do.”

That’s what “tolerance” is all about—as someone who is “different” the message is clearly—“I will tolerate you as long as you behave the way I think you should behave.”  Believe me—that sort of attitude never makes someone like me feel welcomed.

“Celebrated” is when you ask me how I think and feel about things, and you don’t immediately scream or criticize me if I think and feel differently about some things than you.  It’s about you being excited about my bringing a dish to the table that you’ve never tasted, because you might have a chance to expand and improve your own experience.

This is all a metaphor about your boyfriend.  From what you’ve reported, you seem to be very good at giving him a message of “I tolerate you gaining weight.” (And the sad thing—internally you really are celebrating it.)  Go back and look at the comments you’ve posted—

 I'll say, "Oh, you're not fat, you don't need to worry" when he makes a comment, and he won't continue the conversation and say something else, or say something to the effect of "whatever, I'm a fatty fat mcfatterson!" then drop it.

Even though you mean well, you’re mind reading him—you’re making it up in your head that he must be feeling guilty/unworthy/bad/shameful that he now has a belly.  And what do you do? You openly deny the fact he’s fat—“Oh, you’re not fat, you don’t need to worry” (which by the way, if you follow that logic, it means—“If you are fat then you need to worry.” Whoa—that’s major tolerance and not celebration. If I were your boyfriend and I call myself fatty fat mcfatterson, I’ll probably “drop it” because the feedback I get back from you is so non-supportive.  And this is one of the things that drives you crazy (and frankly, one of the things that poison a healthy relationship) because, again, internally you are thinking exactly the opposite of what you are saying out loud.

Let’s go back to mind reading.  I’m your boyfriend and I enjoy your cooking and attention.  I know you used to put stacks of candy bars where I would always know where to find them. But then you make noises about “Oh, you’re not fat, you don’t need to worry,” and then you cut off my supply of candy bars. Hmm…that means if I mind read you as your boyfriend, “She must be depriving me of those yummy candy bars because she wants me to lose weight. I keep dropping hints of how much I enjoy playing with the new me, and she seems to freeze, as if she’s trying to think of what to say, and then she’ll mention things that either tell me I’m wrong, (“Oh, you’re not fat”) or she’ll change the subject, rather than acknowledging the reality of what I see in the mirror, what I can jiggle, and what my friends and family keeps pointing to.  How in denial she must be.”

See how dangerous mind reading can be?

Here are some suggestions:

A)     If you change a behavior, offer an explanation of why you’ve changed your behavior—otherwise your boyfriend will have no choice but to try mind reading what the change in behavior means. Just why did you stop stocking up on candy bars?  How would it feel for you to say, “You know, the place where I shop stopped carrying the candy bars you liked, but now they have them in again—so I went ahead and stocked up on them.” That gives him a context of understanding why you stopped buying them and why you’ve started again. And he doesn’t have to mind read that you stopped because you wanted him to lose weight, or that you’ve started again because you want him to gain.

B)     We have a saying in therapy—“What you resist will persist.”  This is what happens when he says, “Wow, I’m fat,” and you respond, “No, you’re not.” In teaching therapy I’ll have one person put out his/her hand and ask the first person to press against the hand of a second person.  If they both push back, then nothing moves.  That’s what is happening in your relationship.  Yes I am/No you’re not.  Stop pushing back.  If he says, “Look at this gut! I’m a fat fatty mcfatterson” – this is your perfect opportunity to pat his sexy belly and say, “I love looking at that gut.  And I know you’re MY fat fatty mcfatterson.” That’s not “pushing back.” It’s not denying his own reality and experience. And most of all—it gives you the chance to be completely honest, but without the necessity of trying to explain what you call a “fetish” to him. By the way, as a therapist, I don’t use terms like “fetish,” but I will use the word “kink.” Gaining weight increases his erotic attraction for you, but clearly you cared about him when he was a twig, so the eroticism isn’t completely dependent on his belly.  His belly has simply increased your erotic attraction. This would be like a guy finding his brunette girlfriend attractive, but finding her even “hotter” if she goes blonde. Frankly, he doesn’t need a lot of details—he just need a clear and consistent message from you that you acknowledge and recognize the fact he’s bigger than when you first got together and you’re very happy with that fact.  The other thing that you’re doing—rather than “pushing back,” is that you’re “matching” him in terms of his behavior and his emotional response.  You keep reporting you expect him to be ashamed/uncomfortable about his belly, when his response to it is to be amazed by it, to explore it, to grab and jiggle it. What would happen if he says, “Look at this belly—I’m a fat guy!” And you respond: “I’m looking at that belly and I really like what I see. Let’s see what it looks like after I bake up a batch of chocolate chip cookies for you to enjoy.” Related  to this is his comment about seeing an old friend who has dropped a lot of weight and looks like the cover of a Men’s Health magazine—“I’m going to look like him!” And you respond with a “push back,” No, you’re not.  You’re fine the way you are.” Again, you had the best of intentions, but you did a “push back,” but this time in the opposite direction—which means you got the same results.

C)     If he stands in front of the mirror and jiggles his new belly, what would happen if you step behind him and duplicate his behavior and then say, “How can you keep your hands off all this sexiness all day? I can hardly keep my hands off!” This is what we call in therapy “matching” or “mirroring” what your partner is doing.

Finally—here’s what I know from our clinic’s study of couples.  When a partner deliberately chooses to lose weight when there is no medical reason to do so, it almost always means that person is considering an affair.  The partner is losing weight to “compete” in the dating market. For many men (and women), being in a long term relationship means you are allowed to relax and have that second piece of pie, or another candy bar, because you know you’re loved by your partner, and you don’t have to work at seducing a stranger by having the “perfect standard body.” His enjoyment of his weight gain may also be connected to the sense he’s in a comfortable relationship. Think about your words and your actions—how do you directly (in other words, how do you give him honest feedback so he doesn’t have to mind read your confusing behavior) give him the message food equals love? How does he give you the message he accepts your love? You’ve already told me that when you wrote: “I don't get agitated if he doesn't finish a meal, something I now realize I did with my ex and I feel horrible about.”  One thing I urge people I’m treating—if your partner does something you enjoy, comment on the fact you enjoy it. If he finishes his plate and asks for seconds, hand him a refilled plate and tell him how good it makes you feel to know he appreciates all the effort you put into cooking for him.  That’s clear and direct communication that underlines “food equals love.”  “You accepting the food is accepting my love.” And if he doesn’t finish his plate? In the past you started mind reading—“What does it mean he didn’t finish his serving?”  And you know? Sometimes his behavior has nothing to do with you.  Maybe he stopped on the way home to have a drink with a buddy and they ordered a big plate of nachos, so when he got home, he was already full. Maybe he was feeling a little under the weather but didn’t want to worry you by mentioning it.  Maybe he was really stressed out from work or school, which made him lose his appetite, but he didn’t tell you because he didn’t want to stress you out.  So—stop pushing back. Agree with him—don’t “push back.” Don’t put him into a position where he has to mind read you—be clear and direct.  The message of “food equals love” for you is honest and doesn’t force you to go into “Too Much Information,” where you start describing your deeply erotic fantasies—which are great for you to use in your creative writing.  But you know, if you clearly communicate “food equals love,” and that “you’re MY fatty fat mcfatterson,” your erotic fantasies may come true naturally.  Good luck.