my attraction for fat men is only a virtual thing?

Hey professor,

something is in my mind for a while, since i was 11 I feel attracted to fat and huge bellies. I watched cartoons where the characters get fattened and was very horny about it and thought I was crazy until I found the Internet community of bears with 12yo. Unfortunately I only have my first sexual experience with 21 years (for fear to come out twice, as gay and as bear).

he was the way I always wanted, fat man with 130 kilos, BUT during sex I did not get so horny as i tought i would be. I thought it was because this was my first sexual experience. Now one year later I tried again with one that would make me even more horny, 150 kilos, and the same thing happened again (although it was much better than the first time).

Well, my doubt is, my atraction for fat men is only by videos and photos? Or it could be nervousness that hinders? Or a condom may be diminishing the pleasure I should feel (cause in oral sex I felt much more pleasure)?

PS: just for u know, in sex i am top (not bottom). and sorry about my english, cause (im from brazil, so im not so good at it

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I’m sorry to say sex isn’t always violins and fireworks.  But it’s understandable.  A pioneer of modern gay culture, Harry Hay, used the term “Gay Window of Consciousness.”  He had the attitude if you were a White, heterosexual, Christian male, you never had to think.  Your whole life has been modeled for you through books, plays, movies, comic books, television, songs, videos, etc. But most men who self identify as gay say they knew they were “different” at an early age, even if at that time they didn’t know what the “difference” was all about.  For Harry, this meant at a young age, gay boys become much more introspective and self-aware than their straight peers They learn to both monitor their behavior and as a form of self-protection, they do their best to hide that “difference.”

For straight boys and girls, when they hit puberty they get to go through what in English is called “puppy love.”  They get crushes.  They get to practice social interactions like going out on dates and experimenting with affection, emotions, and sex.  They learn what works and what doesn’t.

But for gay boys and lesbian girls, they hit puberty and have to bury their true feelings and eroticism.  They don’t get to practice—they don’t get to learn.  In some cases, the more bold ones will find someone else to experiment with, but it will usually be done in secret, with the fear they’ll be discovered.  As a result, for a lot of gay men, their sexual/social/emotional “clock” gets stuck at this point of trauma.   When they come out and accept themselves, this “clock” starts up again—but it no longer matches with the actual age of the person.  In other words, if you don’t come out until you’re 30, your sexual/social/emotional self may be 15.  This can also cause problems if you’re at the sexual/social/emotional age of 15, but you may be partnering someone who is the sexual/social/emotional age of  35, and that can get messy, because there won’t be equity in the relationship.

The other problem is that for a lot of inexperienced gay men, the sources they have for how to be a gay man is a lot like a video game as a model of how to live your life, or survive in your workplace.  You may be great at the game, but those rules might be disastrous out here in the real world. Actually, when I would work with very successful businessmen, they would almost always have a very terrible marriage because they tried to use what made them successful at work with their wives.   Bad choice.

If you are used to being alone and getting your erotic stimulation via the internet and video clips, you’re basically trying to write your own “script,” and you’re only able to use “bits and pieces” of how a relationship works. This isn’t a problem if you’re on a keyboard.  You can pleasure yourself and get the job done.  But when you encounter a real person, 300 pounds or otherwise—he doesn’t know your “script.”  Indeed, he has his own “script” of how he wants things to go.  Having good sex isn’t based completely on knowing you’re a top (or a bottom)—it’s also knowing a rhythm, knowing how to respond to your partner.  There’s a lot of non-verbal communication that you can’t learn very easily from a display screen.  You have to have “hands on experience,” which is what your straight peers were learning years ago.

I also don’t know how much experience the two guys you’ve been with had had when they connected with you. It’s certainly possible the second gentleman was a more experienced bottom than the first one, and he was able to use his knowledge to elicit a better sexual response from you.  But I do think your expectations of how this was supposed to go meant a real disappointment when it didn’t go that way.

One of the things I tell my patients/clients and trainees—“Anything worth doing well is worth doing poorly at first.”  In other words, you don’t expect to be able to surf the first time you step on a surf board, or to be able to be a professional race car driver if you’ve never been behind a wheel before.  You have to practice.  You have to certainly do it more than twice.  With practice it gets better.  It also gets easier.

I would suggest that you take some time and sit down and write out your own “script.” How do you want to be touched? What do you actually want to do with your partner? Be as detailed as possible.  When you meet Mr. Three, this script will be something you’ll share with him—that’s called “negotiating.”  Some of the best people at doing this negotiating are people into S&M, because they have to be extremely clear in terms of what they want and what they will and will not do.  This is discussed before they start to “play.”  And be aware Mr. Three might not want to follow your script exactly—and you may have to bargain, in the sense of “I’ll do X, if you’ll do Y.”  You can even consider showing him a video that’s really erotic for you and tell him, “Let’s do that.”

Remember, until you get to practice with a real person, you won’t get the necessary feedback of what you’re doing that really works, and what is a hold over for your pleasuring yourself in private—which is completely about you and your own rhythms, and not about synching up with another human being. Writing out your own script should also help you realize what you’re specifically looking for when you encounter Mr Three—and the men who will come after him.

Practice. Don’t toss everything away based on two encounters.  That would be like a 15 year old who went out on two dates and decided he’ll never marry anyone and live happily ever after.  I think you can get a lot better at this.   But you won’t get better at it if you stay on-line—you’ll just get better at being on-line.  I wish you a very successful and happy sex life.