Is One Of My Best Friends A Gainer?

I met one of my best friends a few years ago, at the beginning of my college journey. I was around 160 at the time and he claims to have been around 175. Since this time we have both gained nearly 40 lbs each. There are a lot of things that happened that made me wonder whether my friend is a gainer or if I am just seeing/hearing what I want to see/hear because of my fetish.

I remember the beginning of semester after the first winter break that I decided to let myself go and gain 15 lbs. I was itching to show it off, so after a big fast food run, I mustered up the courage to lift my shirt and give my belly a pat. My buddy was shocked at how far i could stick my belly out, and proceeded to show his off as well. That entire semester, we continued to chat about our bellies but he never seemed as interested in it as he was that first night.

That summer we moved in together and this of course was the perfect opportunity to walk around shirtless in front of him as both our weights continued to increase. On more than one drunken occasion, I convinced him to get shirtless with me and take a pic standing belly to belly to see who was fatter. I also got a scale, and I'd have my fun acting shock as the numbers went up. He always seemed to like to give me shit for gaining weight, and I did the same for him. 

This last summer I didn't see him at all, but when he came back I noticed a significant weight gain. It was pretty difficult to convince him to get on the scale, even drunk, but when he did he ended up weighing 214. He claims he doesn't care about his weight, but whenever we take a normal "non belly comparison" photo lol, he is always sticking his gut out and putting it close to mine. He has done a number of other things too, like randomly show me a music video that featured nothing but a fat shirtless guy dancing and shaking his flab. Sometimes I'll get random texts about how he just ate a ton of taco bell or had pie. He's been known to give his belly a two handed thump and talk about how full he is.

My point of all this is that sometimes I think he could be a possible gainer. I have no sexual interest in him, but I find myself wondering this a lot. How cool would it be to have a buddy to pig out with? Sometimes he seems to almost be taunting me with his weight gain, and other times he seems to have no interest in it whatsoever. Is he just having straight guy fun showing off his gains? Am I reading too much into this? I want to ask him about it, but I don't know how to without 1) freaking him out if he's not into it or 2) make him think I've been checking him out 3) possibly lead him to searching for the gainer community online afterwards to see what i was talking about and end up outing myself

Any suggestions?
- curious buddy

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Dear curious buddy,

Before we talk about suggestions, there are a few things that are unclear to me, that might take things in different directions, depending on your intent.

1)  You state you are hesitating to address the issue with him directly because it might freak him out because he's not "into it," or at least not as "into it" as you are.  With any interests, erotic or otherwise, it's rare individuals will be precisely at the same level of interest at precisely the same time, unless certain "trigger conditions" are present. This is not a gay or straight thing--as a therapist, a couple may not both be ready for sex at the same moment, because one is tired, one is not feeling well, one is too full to move, etc.  Let me explain what psychologists call a "trigger"or an "anchor."  These are sensory stimuli that might be visual, auditory, or kinesthetic (body awareness).  Think of certain memories, emotional responses, or behaviors as being like a "file name" on a computer.  If you know the file name, you can retrieve the data from the file.  

An example of an auditory trigger/anchor would be a long-time couple who have "our song," and whenever they hear "our song," they get emotional.  This is because the song has triggered a specific emotional reaction tied to an earlier memory of becoming a couple.  A kinesthetic trigger I have seen as a therapist is when one member of a couple has been sexually abused at a younger age.  Now in a happy and committed relationship, the formerly abused spouse is held by his/her partner in a way very similar to the way the abuser once held him/her.  Suddenly, in the midst of a lovely moment, the abused jerks away, confused by why he or she feels so frightened, since the beloved partner has done no wrong.

I would suggest the two of you have a number of triggers/anchors that you have established related to "fat" moments.  These might include alcohol consumption, and even very specific foods.  This might be why your friend suddenly texts you--because at that particular moment, with the combination of "fat" anchors---he's slightly drunk, he's eating a lot of tacos, he feels bloated--all of which then makes him think of you.  This also means one of these triggers (say, being drunk) isn't what makes him think of you--it's the combination--which is why he doesn't call you every time he's had a few beers.  Or--there might be a specific trigger--like being very bloated--that makes him think of you, and he'll then call or text you.  This means if the right trigger, or the right combination of triggers aren't present, then he may not be "into" it, just as I suspect the "trigger" of your own work environment doesn't encourage you to lift up your shirt and show off your belly to co-workers.

Related to this is what psychologists call "mirroring" and in the lay community is called "monkey see, monkey do," which seems to be hardwired into the primate mind.  Just so, you can find a number of sites of "college guts" or "drunken frat boys" which will show off hundreds of images of tipsy college age guys lifting up their shirts to compare bloats and bellies.  If you're slightly tipsy (in other words, your inhibitions are lifted) and you're in a room with a lot of your peers who are also tipsy, and one of you pulls up his shirt, sticks out his belly, and laughs, most of the other guys in the room will do the same thing--and we have a Kodiak moment.  It's important to know this sort of behavior may have little if any erotic connection to the ones involved--it's a primate bonding moment that enforces group affiliation.  Understandably, this can be confusing for the minority for whom this becomes a very erotic behavior, not knowing how many (if any) of your peers are also becoming aroused by belly eye candy.

2)  You state you are worried if you speak about this issue directly with him, he might wonder if you are "checking him out."  You indicate you don't find him sexually attractive to you, but apparently you do get some sort of "fat fetish" response, or you wouldn't have written me.  So, on some level, you actually are checking him out, although with a different desired outcome than he might have expected.  The bottom line, I suspect you would enjoy him showing off his bloated belly, gaining even more weight, and sharing gaining moments with you.  There's nothing to be ashamed about with this.  He's one of your best friends, and you undoubtedly enjoy doing many things together--and the "fat" aspect is simply one of them.  Based on your stated history, he also appears to enjoy aspects of "fat," but he may lack the erotic charge you feel.

3)  You are worried if you discuss this directly, you may end up "outing" yourself if he goes on-line to discover gaining sites.  And here's where things go a bit wonky for me.  Do you mean it might out you as a gainer?  Out you as a man interested in men? Based on your letter I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you internally identify as gay or bisexual, but you may not have come out as such to him, or to others.  I'm also going to assume from your comment you consider your friend as straight.  If this is so, is it more uncomfortable for you to have him consider you gay, or for him to consider you a gainer?  Many times gay gainers have talked about how they go through two "coming out" experiences--one when they come out of the closet and one when they come out of the fridge.  And let me emphasize there are certainly straight guys who have an erotic charge connected to gaining, who simply have the one "coming out" experience as they share how they get aroused at gaining and becoming fatter.

When others have asked me what they might do to get a better idea of whether Mr. X is (fill in the blank)--gay, a gainer, into leather--I frequently suggest they use a story.  For example, I might be with Mr. X and while we're having coffee or drinks say, "You know, when I was home on break, I saw one of my old high school friends.  He told me he wanted to tell me he was gay.  Have you ever had that happen to you?"  Stories provide a "protective layer"--so if he has a negative response, you can distance yourself from the story--"Yeah, I didn't know what to do, so I just changed the subject."  Or if Mr. X has a very positive response, you can say, "That's exactly what I told him."  If Mr. X takes this as an opportunity to out himself, then it frees you to do the same to him.  The "story" approach always gives you an "out" (did I mention I love puns?), so no matter what Mr. X's response might be, you're still safe in terms of not having burned any bridges.

Now--having laid that out--what struck me is how it seems as if this is precisely what your friend did with you.  He has "mirrored" specific "fat" behaviors with you--which has included showing off a shirtless belly, stepping on to the scales and announcing weight, or doing two handed belly pats.  What is of interest to me is when you report him doing behavior that is not "mirroring" (i.e., duplicating your own behaviors) but what psychologists call "pacing."  If you've established a good rapport (the word rapport is derived from an old French word for bridge--in other words, you've established a very specific type of connection)---then when you initiate a behavior, the person with whom you've established the rapport will tend to duplicate your actions.  Which is a theory of how "monkey see, monkey do" might operate.  For example, the next time you're out drinking with a close friend, become conscious of when you reach for your drink.  If you're in rapport, you'll both tend to reach for your drinks at the same time.  This usually happens on an unconscious level.  but once you learn how rapport/pacing/mirroring work, you can start to monitor it.  Once you find yourself going into rapport, you can start to "lead" (which is an active form of pacing)--which means you might deliberately reach for your drink and see how quickly your friend reaches for his.  If you watch couples (and a healthy couple is often in the state of rapport)--or you observe two individuals who are in a "courting" stage, they will frequently mirror each other's posture as well as movement.  As an aside, this is a therapeutic technique a psychologist might use, where he or she will mirror the non-verbal behavior of a patient, which will encourage establishing rapport, and once that connection is made, the therapist can begin to "lead" which may help an anxious patient relax.  This only works if the patient is unaware of what is going on.  If the patient becomes consciously aware of what the therapist is attempting, the rapport is shattered and the patient can feel manipulated and angry.  To give you another example, if you are trying to get a child to go to sleep, you can become aware of the child's breathing.  Once you have a sense of the breath pattern, you can then lightly pat the child on the back or the shoulder in the rhythm of their breathing.  Most of us are rarely conscious of our breathing, so the patting is very relaxing to the child, who will then easily fall asleep.

And the point of this?  Your friend was "leading" when he showed you the video of the fat and shirtless guy.  This might have been your friend's "story" that distanced "fat" from  his belly and yours, to get a sense of what your reaction would be.  And it may well have been  that your reaction didn't encourage him to try to trot out a separate "fat moment" again.  Maybe the video freaked you out--not because you didn't find it enjoyable, but because it made you think of those things you discussed at the end of your letter.  If you had genuinely reacted to it, he might have realized you had a "fat fetish" or that you were gay (or both).  But this means you might have lost an incredible opportunity to have bonded with him on another level.

So--in conclusion, I'll ask you what I ask a lot of people---what would you like to have happen?  You mentioned you don't desire a sexual relationship with him (although if you really have a "fat fetish," then on some level there will be an erotic aspect of doing "fat" related behaviors with him).  You mentioned you think it would be great if you had a buddy with whom you could pig out.  If this is your desired outcome, I would suggest you examine how realistic it would be to do this with him.  You mentioned you had spent some time apart, during which time he had gained more weight although you didn't mention if you had as well.  Let's go back to the rapport and mirroring--if you're apart and he gained weight and you didn't--you're giving him the message this isn't something that has much of an interest for you.  One of the things I constantly see with two people who have a relationship--whether that relationship is friendship or a marriage--they will try to mind read each other.  One will think, "Well, if I did that behavior, it would mean X."  And absolutely, if that person did that behavior, it would indeed mean "X."  But the for the other person, behavior X would actually mean Y.  

This is what you're doing with your friend.  You're thinking, "Well, if I did what he's doing, it's because I'm a gainer.  Therefore, if he does these behaviors, he must be a gainer as well." But your friend may have done those "random" acts--like showing you the video of the shirtless fat guy because he was waiting to see your reaction--and perhaps he didn't get the reaction he was expecting.  Which might have caused him to become less likely to initiate other "fat related" behaviors, and wait for you to do so.

I'm concerned that since you apparently no longer live together, you might also not live that near one another--which is why you didn't see him at all for a period of time.  Deep friendship has a foundation on several levels.  There are other relationships that aren't as intense--so you end up with say, sports fans, where they'll only get together for a specific game, but not for other activities.  This might be where you're headed with this gentleman, where you may not have enough in common to spend a significant amount of time together.  You might come together for specific events, which are also associated with drinking and over eating.  If this is the case, and you want a pig out buddy--consider this.  

Tell him you read something posted  by a psychologist who wrote about the importance of friendship.  After college, a lot of really close friends end up drifting apart as they get involved with their career and other friends.  It becomes common to keep a tight schedule, where you keep track of your business appointments.  It can be a healthy experience where you realize you value your close friends as much as you do a dentist appointment or a meeting.  Just so, you learn to actually make an effort to schedule in meeting your friends, just as you make an effort to schedule and keep business meetings.  

Tell him you'd like to start scheduling some regular time to spend together.  If he buys into this, then try to duplicate (mirror) what was the most enjoyable time for you when you were living together.  For example, this might mean entertaining him in your home, rather than at a pub or restaurant.  If there was drinking involved, then make sure there are drinks.  Again, try to make the experience as close to what it had been.  You're wanting to fire off as many of those old anchors/triggers as you can.  In fact, you might even, at one point, pull out your laptop and surprise him with a video of a fat guy dancing, and say, "Do you remember when you showed me one like this when we were in college?"

If you're no longer living together, but he's in your area a number of times a year, then you might (after he's feeling no pain, as we say back home--in other words after a few drinks and a lot of food) suggest a challenge, where the next time you see each other, you're going to have a bigger belly than he does.  This is to start "leading" him to associate being with you means pigging out and/or gaining.  Since you apparently have a history of teasing one another, also use the opportunity to compete--"I bet I can finish more of this pizza than you can, Little man."

Is he a "true" gainer?  Well, from what you report, he's certainly gained.  As a therapist, I tend to look at actual behavior, rather than what someone calls himself.  A lot of people (especially straight guys) may not have an erotic association with getting bigger, but really enjoy food and/or feeling stuffed, and accept the logical consequence is an ever expanding waistline.  If you know his extended family, remember how they look--and I'm going to suspect he looks like a lot of them.  This means if he comes from a chubby family, being chubby "feels" normal to him.  In other words you might be coming through a different door than he is, but you're both entering the "gaining room."  From that stand point--looking at actual behavior--it ultimately doesn't matter if he's a "true" gainer like you are.  But since you don't want him as a sexual partner, he could still be available to you as a "pig out buddy" you enjoy spending time with while doing fun activities, such as eating and drinking.

Do you really need to "come out" as a gainer to him?  Since you're not wanting him on a sexual level, I don't really see the point of telling him what is a sexual turn on for you.  That's what is called TMI or "Too Much Information."  If you're happy with your established range of fat related behavior--well, don't fix what's not broken.  Just be more active in terms of enjoying that range of behavior and share with him how much you enjoy his company as one of your best friends, while you both get to do a lot of the things you enjoyed when you were room mates.  This also helps establish what in therapy we call "boundaries" where you give him clear feedback about what specifically it is you want.  This avoids uncomfortable issues of you wanting to take the friendship to another level, which might include a sexual one, since you've told me that's not what you want out of this.  

Good luck--hope you end up with a fat and happy pig out partner.

I Want To Get Fat--But Can I Still Dance?

Dear Professor Fatology,

I need help deciding what to do! I am 15 weighing 120lbs with a little belly, I want to get fat but I do dance which i am good at and feel if I get fat I won't enable to dance, what do you think ??? :') xxxx

I think you have been taught by the media (movies/tv/Internet) that if you get fat you can't dance. And that means you've been taught incorrectly. If you frequent gainer sites you will find over and over that it is possible to be heavy and healthy. If you were to gain by eating a lot of “unhealthy” foods (“fast food” that has been highly processed for example) and not exercise at all, then that combination may indeed interfere with your dancing. The point is to do regular exercise and stretching as you gain in order to maintain flexibility and movement.

Let me introduce you to a Canadian, Matt Alaeddine, who bills himself as “the world's fattest contortionist.” While his weight varies (he says it depends on “the candy of the season”) he clearly demonstrates having a belly does not mean you automatically lose your mobility and flexibility.

And let's look at professional athletes—watch any football game and you will see a lot of very large men who have no trouble moving quickly—and their movements incorporate many of the same movements as dance.

And one of the favorite type of athletes who can serve as role models for gainers? Welcome to Japanese Sumo Wrestlers. These are athletes who start off even younger than you are, and intensely train to increase their flexibility and endurance—as well as adding a few hundred pounds to their bodies with a very healthy type of “one pot stew“ called chankonabe.

Here's more detail on Sumo diet and training:

After watching sumo wrestlers grapple, collide and throw each other around the straw ring at the Ryogoku Kokugikan Sumo Stadium, many wonder, what could have made them so big and so fast? The answer is two-fold: training, of course, but also diet.

Weight gain is a crucial part of sumo training since there are no weight divisions in the sport. According to Nihon Sumo Association, 40 out of 42 wrestlers in Makuuchi, the top division, weigh more than 140kg (as of January 2010). The heaviest wrestler, Baruto from Estonia, weighs in at a whopping 188kg. A sumo wrestler's daily caloric intake can reach 8,000 kilocalories, more than twice that of an average Japanese adult male...

Starting the day with an empty stomach is one of the secrets of a sumo wrestler's training, says Tetsuhiro Matsuda, manager of the Takasago Sumo stable.

"You can’t move quickly with full stomach. Sumo training is more intense than you ever imagine," Matsuda says...

A sumo wrestler's day begins around 5am with morning training. They peel themselves out of bed and go directly to the training room. Working out on an empty stomach has its advantages in the effort to gain weight, Matsuda says, as this helps slow down the body's metabolism and makes burning calories more difficult.

At around 11am, the wrestlers take their first feast of the day. The veteran wrestler cook, Chankocho, and the young trainees in charge of the kitchen prepare chanko -- the staple diet of sumo wrestlers. This blanket term for sumo diet chanko comes from chankonabe, a one-pot stew.

Practically anything can go into chankonabe. Many different meats, vegetables and fish are cooked in the boiling chicken broth soup base. Chankonabe is very rich in protein and usually served in large quantities with other side dishes.

"The practice of eating chankonabe dates back to the Meiji era. Chanko is easy to prepare and serve for a large number of sumo wrestlers at once and cost efficient. We eat more salads or side dishes along with chankonabe in Takasago stable, compared to other sumo stables," Matsuda said.

By fasting overnight and before morning training, sumo wrestlers switch their bodies to a fat storing mode when all the dishes are served on the table. Sitting in a circle, they are ready to dig in. Matsuda recalls some wrestlers who eat five kilograms of meat or ten bowls of rice in one meal.

For the skinny wrestlers, however, gaining weight can be an arduous process. They just keep gorging large meals until they throw up -- a famous part of the sumo wrestlers' harsh diet training. Thinking back on early days in his career, Matsuda said he used to try so hard to finish three to five bowls of rice at the minimum, per meal.

Right after eating the first meal, sumo wrestlers go back to their own bedrooms and take a long nap in the afternoon. It helps them to gain weight as all the food is being stored as fat. Then the giants come back again to the dining table around 6 or 7pm.

But doesn't eating massive quantities of food in order to get fat while working out to build muscle seem contradictory and unhealthy? "The answer is a lot of exercise," Matsuda says.

And one of the most delightful dancers was Chris Farley who did a classic Chippendale's spoof with Patrick Swayze on the American television series, Saturday Night Live. If you've never seen this, google search for “Chris Farley Chippendale” on Youtube, and never question whether or not a fat man can dance.

The bottom line—it is possible to be healthy and heavy. It is certainly possible to be large and move quickly and powerfully at the level of a professional athlete, just as members of the NFL and the Sumo world prove on a regular basis. In my experience, there are styles of dance that are more of a challenge for heavier dancers than others. Ballet, for example, often puts extreme stress on joints because of the many leaps and extensions that are part of the dance. It may be that if you want to combine being heavy with dancing, you should explore what style of dance you find the most appealing and enjoyable and what puts less strain and stress on your joints if you weigh more than other dancers in your field. 

 The American television series, Dancing With The Stars has also provided role models for competitors who are not slender by any stretch of the imagination, but repeatedly prove they can certainly dance. Chaz Bono has been one of the recent dancers with the highest body fat percentage.

 And finally, remember at the age of 15, you are by no means finished with your physical growth. Many men don't achieve their full adult size until their early 20's. That may mean that you can experience a “growth spurt” over the next few months/years, where your “little belly” disappears because your body is using the energy to make you taller and stronger.

One other thing--you don't indicate if you are interested in dance because of your personal enjoyment, or if you would like dance to be a career choice.  Frankly, there are many obstacles for heavier dancers in the professional world.  However there have been a number of choreographers who have deliberately worked with larger dancers.  In fact, there's a Cuban dance troupe headed by 300 pound Juan Miguel Mas, that specifically features dancers who are not "standard sized."  

Because of the size of the dancers in Mas's troupe, however, the work of Danza Voluminosa conveys something more earthy and human. Fat people move differently, he said, and the choreography must change.

"We are more mountainous," he said with a smile.

The dancers' movements are often slower than those of their slender colleagues. These dancers favor limbs swinging in pendulous arcs and wavelike motions that seem to ripple through their bodies. They seem to grip the floor rather than to abandon it, keeping a low center of gravity, often crouching or dancing while kneeling or lying on the ground.

And when their dance becomes frenetic, the sheer weight of the dancers thudding across the stage conveys an excitement akin to a stampede, something out of control and wild, yet made of human flesh and blood. It can be a riveting sight.

Mas says he has borrowed from the work of Martha Graham and José Limón but also incorporates moves from African dance, jazz dance and the folkloric dance of the Caribbean, often with West African roots. "I use whatever I can," he said.

There are also other professional dance groups, like www.axisdance.org, which are dedicated to using dancers of all sorts of bodies and abilities, where being "plus size" will not be something would keep you from dancing.  

Best of luck and keep dancing!

How Do I Become The Man I Want To Be Without Losing My Parents?

Dear Professor Fatology,

I am 22 and in a very difficult situation in life right now. I'm a gainer, although I haven't been extremely successful with my gains, but I am determined to be bigger, but there are things holding me back. My family are very health-conscious and seeing my slight weight gains have already sparked a number of comments from them. As much as I want to be bigger I'm worried that the more I gain it might push them away. I'm very close with my parents but I have a feeling that eventually I'm going to have two options in my life and that's 1. Keep the family happy and stay slim, or 2. Gain weight, get fat and say goodbye to any contact with my family. I'm also bisexual, even though I've never really been with either sex before, and have not come out to my parents about this yet, and I have a pretty good feeling that will also push them away and I'm sure if they heard I was a bi fat-loving guy they would pretty much write me out of their lives. I'm really stuck with what to do, and it's been a struggle for me for many years now, but seeing as I am now 22 I know it's about time I start acting on it and getting to the stage where I need to nip this thing in the butt already!

Do you have any advice or input that would help me?

A couple of things immediately come to mind for me. One is how, in my experience, a lot of men (sexual orientation isn't the point at the moment) hit their 30's and at that point, go ahead and act on whatever it is they've been wanting to do since their childhood. This might be around gaining weight, or buying a motorcycle, or doing something “kinky” on a sexual level. Part of this is what we call in psychology, “developmental.” There are different “stages of development” humans go through, and not everyone goes through the stages/steps at the same time, although people have a tendency to experience them at a predictable range of age.

For example, there is one we call “adolescent separation.” Pre-teens and young children (in healthy families) tend to be very close to their parents and often reflect the values and activities of their family members. This is a no brainer—if you're close to your dad and he's really into football, you'll probably spend a lot of your “down time” sitting next to him on the sofa watching football games, or if you have an older brother who's on his school's football team, the family will pile into the car and cheer for him. When young people start to experience puberty, they will often start to distance themselves from their parents—they will spend more time with their peers and begin to explore things that either don't interest their parents, or that their parents know nothing about. This might include video games, music, and experimentation with drugs or alcohol.

This is considered not only normal, but to a certain extent, necessary for an individual to mature into a functional adult. In dysfunctional (and dysfunctional means “functioning in pain,” it doesn't mean “non-functional”) families, where there is often abuse (emotional/sexual/physical), this “adolescent separation” can be extreme, and can include wild hair styles, body piercing, and jail time. In healthy families, it can involve experiences the parents will never even notice, or a one time experiment with, say, being blonde, or if you actually are blonde, having your hair dyed brunette. It may mean a youth attending a different church, or visiting another religious group. As psychologists, we feel it's part of the growing up process for someone to discover what does (and just as importantly—what DOESN'T) work for him or her. Perhaps in this journey of discovery, he'll return home with something that can benefit the entire family.

This is not a new idea. There's a biblical story of the Prodigal Son, who leaves his home after asking his father for money, and basically plays around and gets into a lot of trouble. He loses all of his money and ends up having to work as a swineherd, eventually envying the pigs, who seem to enjoy life more than he does. Let me also point out, for a Jewish young man, having to herd pigs is not as an ideal job under any circumstances. He decides to return home, to tell his father he has sinned, and ask if his father will hire him to be a servant, since he feels he is unworthy to rejoin the family. His father sees him coming and before the son can give his rehearsed speech, the father pulls him close, kisses him, and has him dressed in a fine robe and a ring, and has a celebration feast for him.

The older brother is pissed off over this, pointing out he's the better son, who has never done anything wrong, and has always done exactly what his father asked him to do. And he bitterly reminds the father there's never been a celebration for him—and yet here comes the sinner who is the son who has wasted his wealth and look at how well he's treated.

The father explains it's as if the son has been dead, and he has now returned to life, and this calls for celebration.

One assumes the son stayed away being miserable because he was afraid of the rejection of his family. He suffered a great deal, and finally decided being punished at home was better than being so unhappy with the pigs.

I'm mentioning this parable because I find a lot of young people worry about what their family may think about them doing “X”-and the “X” might be coming out as gay or bi, getting a belly, getting a tattoo, or a piercing. They are afraid they will be rejected.

Going back to stages of development, by the time a man is in his 30s, he is usually financially stable, so he isn't dependent upon his family for food or shelter. He is usually more self-secure and self-confident, having faced challenges and overcome them. Part of this self-confidence is accepting the fact no matter how good you try to be, there will always be some people who have no interest in you, or will criticize you for your behavior, appearance, or choices. And you discover—as one of my mentors, Virginia Satir, used to say—you don't drop dead. You get criticized and you don't drop dead. You can no longer button your jeans and you don't drop dead. You burn the dinner you are fixing for people you care about and----wait for it---you don't drop dead. This is why, in my experience, a lot of men who have always wanted to gain, finally start to do so in their 30s—and part of this is feeling “safe” enough in their relationships and work to believe having a 29 inch waist for the rest of their lives is not making them happy, and maybe—just maybe---the people they care about will still love them when there is more of them to love.

At 22, I can't help but wonder how far you've explored the whole “adolescent separation” thing. You haven't mentioned if you are still living at home, and if you are completely financially dependent upon your parents. You haven't mentioned if you're attending college and may be doing so in a different town. What I do read in your note is that it is obvious you love and respect your parents, but you have an underlying fear your parents may not be capable of loving you enough to accept the “true” you. The “true” you includes your actual sexual orientation and a desire to be bigger. I am unclear why you have internalized a message that your sexual orientation and a desire to be bigger are potential “deal-breakers” in terms of you remaining an active member of this family. In therapy sessions, I frequently discover this sort of fear is based on something the person may have overheard when he was 8 or 9 years old, and didn't necessarily understand what was meant. For example, the parents might have been upset talking about someone in the extended family who was bisexual, and was having an affair with another man—the anger the parents might have expressed was not about bisexuality, but about infidelity to the relative's wife. The anger had nothing to do with the gender of the person—it was about cheating.

As I've written in a couple of other posts, loved ones who are critical about a relative or partner gaining weight, are often really focused on their concern gaining weight automatically causes health problems. This is understandable, given a lot of media attention that sensationalizes weight gain in a negative way, and equates obesity with death. And just as an aside—assuming that since you're 22, your parents are in their early 40's, and may be very “health focused” in terms of trying to appear as young as possible themselves. That's not really about health—it's about vanity and internalizing a media message that only younger people really matter, and the older you are, the more you lose power and respect. In doing family therapy, one technique is to draw three boxes on a piece of paper. You then tell the family members, “This first box is about You. This second box is about your (Parents/Spouse/Partner) and the third box is about what impacts all of you.” In this case, there are issues that really belong in your parents' box that don't belong to you, just as there are things that really only belong to you and should not be spilling over into your parents' box. Their issues about aging is not part of your box, but if they try to keep you a “boy,” in order to feel younger, then that belongs in the “shared box” and needs to be addressed collectively.

As I suggested, a lot of this simply takes care of itself over time, as you mature and move on in your own life, and you're not being supervised all the time by your parents, or have to depend upon them for money and shelter. If you move out for your work, then again, these “boxes” are clearer (we also call them boundaries) where—your body—your rules.

And this is what I'm not getting from your note. Have you dated? Have you had a girlfriend your parents knew about, or a boyfriend they never knew about? You mentioned you haven't acted out on your sexuality, and being a virgin at 22 isn't at all unusual. But if you haven't explored having a serious relationship with a male or female, then that will delay your stages of development, and will tend to keep you in the adolescent stage of development which will keep you feeling powerless and overly dependent on the approval and acceptance of your parents. Part of growing up and becoming an adult is learning to interact with your parents on more of an equal basis. The great therapist Carl Rogers once stated one of the hardest things you'll ever to do is to learn to accept your parents as people, as opposed to being your parents. This means being able to understand their shortcomings and faults—everyone is human and has shortcomings and faults—no matter how wonderful they may also be in other areas of their lives. The parable of the Prodigal Son teaches that a parent's love can be unconditional...even if the son has misbehaved. The parable also teaches if you are the older son of the story—no matter how hard you've tried to please your parent and behave exactly the way you think he wants you to behave—you don't automatically get praised and celebrated for being the (yawn) perfect son. In fact, like the older son, you can often get taken for granted.

So—here's my advice. Sit down privately and make a list of things you would like to explore as part of becoming an adult. I would certainly add to the list dating both men and women. If you are paranoid, google how to erase your Internet history, so snoopy parents or visiting relatives don't pull up the fact you've visited gaining sites or bisexual sites while you've been exploring what's out there. Always erase your Internet history before you log off. Add to the list gaining 10 pounds, or 50. Throw in some other items, like a new hair style or an article of clothing that is more “edgy” than you're used to, but are not the sort of thing that will push your parents over the edge.

Once you've created a list like this, start following through on some of them. Start small. Maybe start with the hairstyle, and see how your parents react. Gain 5 pounds, instead of 10, where you are finally doing something you are choosing to do for yourself, but a 5 pound gain is not going to be noticeable to them. Or, as I have suggested to others in a similar situation, join a gym, tell your parents you want to be stronger and build up some muscles. Emphasize the health aspect of this. Talk about how your fitness instructor has told you that you need to drink a couple of protein shakes a day in order to build those muscles you want. Orient your parents to associate being bigger with being stronger and more healthy. Show off your bigger arms by sometimes wearing tanktops in front of your parents. This is also about training your parents to stop always seeing you as a “boy” and seeing you as the man you're becoming.

Think of first doing “baby steps” where you are choosing to do things you value and that either won't really upset your parents, or that if they do, (like a hairstyle with a lot of product) you can laugh about it and easily wash your hair and “go back to normal.” This will start you on your journey to NOT be the older son of the Prodigal Son parable, where you frankly, never “get a life.” I can't tell you how often I've had to explain to patients and students—sometimes it's as important to discover what you DON'T want in life as it is to discover what you DO.

Looking over your post—I can't help feeling as if you only see yourself having two choices—hanging on as the “perfect” son who never does anything to displease his family (like the Older Son) or you show them the “real” you and you get kicked to the curb and disowned (like the Prodigal Son—DID TO HIMSELF. The Prodigal Son was not disowned. The Prodigal Son explored a different type of life, felt he would be punished by his family for having done so, and cut himself off from all contact with his family—his family did not cut themselves off from him).

And here's one of the other “big deals” a lot of people don't get told directly—if you keep secrets from your loved ones because you don't trust them to accept these “secrets” are a part of who you are---when the secrets come out—sometimes your loved ones are terribly hurt—not by the “secrets” but because of the reality you didn't respect your loved ones enough to trust them to love you for who you are. The more time and energy you invest in “pretending” to be something you're not—and in your case, this includes not being straight, and not wanting to always have a 29 inch waist—the harder it will be to live your life in an authentic manner. And the longer it will take for your family to be given the message that you trust and respect them. Growing up is hard. And trust me, for some parents, growing older is hard. If you're not dating, then it's easier for your parents to still think of you as a “boy” and not work to prepare themselves for you becoming a man who will have a life that is separate from theirs, which may include a partner and even children (so they can move on to another important developmental stage for them—becoming grandparents). My Significant Other's mother is very clear on the fact he's not going to have children...but she's adapted by always referring to our dog as her “furry grandchild.” And since you identify as being bisexual, there is certainly a chance you'll end up in a relationship with a woman, and there will be the possibility of your parents becoming grandparents. By the way, one of the advantages of dating is going out often revolves around food, so you can get a “bonus” experience of adding on a few pounds.

Start on your “baby steps”--but definitely always choose to take those steps in the direction you want to go. I only wish the best for you.  And let me leave you with this--here are two silhouettes--which one makes you think of a boy, and which one makes you think of a man? As long as you stay thin--which non-verbal message are you sending to your parents (and the world) in terms of how they see you--and how they treat you?