Is Gaining/Being Obese A Core Part Of Sexuality?

Hi there,

I had a quick question that I'd be super-appreciative if you could do your best in answering!

I've been attracted to fat guys for as long as I can remember. I've never had any issues with my sexuality, and came out at quite an early age. While none of my actual sexual experiences have been with bigger men, when I fantasise and masturbate it's always about obese guys. It occurred to me recently though that the subject of my fantasies are not sexual, per se - as in it's just about the experience of being fat and the belly/body shape that I fantasise about. I've noticed more recently that this is having an adverse effect on my sex life, because I'm never really wanting to have sex as much as fantasise about being fat (even during the act itself). Do you think gaining/being obese is at its core a sexual experience? Or in your experience are gainers more than satisfied with just their bodies as sexual arousal? Or is it possible that I'm even asexual and only attracted to the idea of my body being obese? 

Thanks for your help!

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Well, howdy back! You’ve actually asked a number of questions.  Let me start by saying that based on research in sexuality, many males when masturbating will often “go for the gold”—in other words, if fantasy X is what resulted in the “money shot,” then it’s easiest to replay that particular fantasy. This is like clicking on to your favorite song on your I-pod. You know what you’re going to get, and you enjoy the results. The problem is that the more you use the same fantasy (or a variation of the same fantasy—last time you focused on the image of you’ve ballooned up with another 50 pounds and you keep rubbing your new belly, vs. this time you’ve ballooned up another 50 pounds and you explore how soft and sexy your expanded moobs are) the more you re-enforce that fantasy, so it becomes the “default” of your sexual expression.  The drawback of this is when you’re using a specific fantasy all the time, when you engage with an actual partner, he may not end up fitting the script.  This can also happen to folks who consistently pleasure themselves with sex toys—you can control everything that’s going on—how fast, how hard, how deep—but when you’re with a partner, he won’t be as easily controlled as a dildo.

You might consider expanding not only your waist size, but your repertoire of sexual fantasies. Try not to do the same ones over and over again.  Try using your other hand if you always use the same one when you masturbate.  If you haven’t tried using sex toys, now would be a good time to explore them. And just as long-term couples will often fantasize about being with a different partner, a lot of guys who are into gaining or fat guys who find themselves in bed (or other places) with a partner who isn’t fat or gaining, or even knows about this particular “kink” will find they can’t get to orgasm without either fantasizing their partner is fat (or they put his “face” on top of a known body that’s a turn on) or that they themselves are even fatter than they are.

If, as you wonder, you’re not as attracted to “real life” partners as you used to be, always first look for a physical issue before looking into psychological ones. You don’t mention your age, but after the age of 25, the testosterone level of many men starts a predictable and steep decline, which bitch-slaps the libido. This means a lot less energy and interest is available for seeking out sexual partners.  If you have a good health plan, you should consider getting a physical for your doctor that should include looking at your level of testosterone. If it’s low, your provider can prescribe a cream you apply daily (to your shoulder, btw, not more “sensitive” areas of your body) which can really turn the “horny” faucet back on. Other things that can interfere with your libido are medications you might be taking, or some unsuspected physical problems  that may not be obvious right now, but could be dangerous down the road—this would include being pre-diabetic, or having undiagnosed high blood pressure. Most of these are things that can be “tweaked” by your doctor, and end up with you being a healthier, happier you. Now-back to your specific questions:

Do you think gaining/being obese is at its core a sexual experience? Oh, for some people, without question. But I suspect for the majority of the human population it is not sexual, just as a woman’s shoe may be a huge turn-on for a guy who is “into” women’s shoes, but for most women who are wearing them daily, a shoe is just an often uncomfortable fashion accessory. For some gainers, there is no question that gaining/being obese is a core part of their sexuality. But this isn’t true for all gainers. This is sort of like being gay—it’s a spectrum, not a stick with two ends, where one end is labeled “fat” and the other end is labeled “skinny.” For some gainers, being large is “being in charge.” For some guys who grew up being scrawny and picked on, being big is associated with being powerful and in control of one’s life. For them, gaining/being obese isn’t a sexual function, but more about their self-identity and feeling comfortable in their own (larger) skin.

Or in your experience are gainers more than satisfied with just their bodies as sexual arousal? Again, this is back to a continuum or spectrum—there are many gainers who are more than satisfied with a self-focus on their own body. A sexual partner is fine, but sort of like a “special occasion”—like a fancy dessert, rather than an everyday swing through a fast food place, where the gainer lies back alone, fat, stuffed, and happy. Putting on my therapist hat—our professional concern is that the healthiest individuals tend to be the ones who are able to establish appropriate relationships with other human beings. The focus is to be able to do both—enjoy yourself when alone, but also to enjoy human company

Or is it possible that I'm even asexual and only attracted to the idea of my body being obese? Based on what you’ve shared, I just don’t have enough information to give you the best answer.  My suspicion is no. This is around the idea you’ve had sexual partners in the past, and the experience was not traumatic or boring for you, even if you found you can satisfy yourself more as a “solo act.” Asexual people often find even the idea of having sex with another person to be distasteful or really uninteresting. From what you’ve put into your question, it would seem what you’ve found is that you have a history of being able to interact with other partners, but from a preference standpoint, you’ve discovered you don’t get as much of as sexual charge from these former partners than you do being on your own. This is missing a huge (pun intended) issue here-if you’ve never had a fat/gaining sexual partner—then this is something you should seriously consider.  In the gaining community, there’s a term frequently used of “civilian.” This refers to a partner who is not part of the gaining community, or has no interest in it.  For a lot of gainers for whom gaining/being obese is a “core” part of their sexuality, they rarely find a “civilian” partner will work out in the long run. For guys in this category, having a partner who is a gainer/encourager/fat admirer is a win/win, where you double the chances of your pleasure.