Is It Wrong To Get Turned On By Being Me?

Dear Professor

Firstly allow me to say thanks for your interesting discussions and contributions on many of the gaining and encouraging websites.

My question is really in two parts:

Firstly:

  I guess my gaining has been on and off for the last 12 years.  At 18 I was 145 and running 5 miles a day, by 21 was a flabby 202 and while the size was cool, the unfit flabby mess I had become was not.  I ran off most of the weight down to 160 and since then have bulked (on and off) up to a respectably muscled 222. I feel amazing, and its great to be a bit, strong and more importantly REAL man, in that im not ripped.  I lift 4 days a week and eat a clean (ish) diet as I want to be big but want alot of muscle with my jiggle.  As I lift and grow i notice my body changing, and I find this exciting, to the extent that a particularly effective muscle pump post gym, or realisation that I am bigger and wider turns me on.  Is this strange? To be turned on by your own progress? Is it healthy?

Secondly:

I am a happliy married man who loves his wife more than anything. Yet I find myself visiting gainer sites, even returning to them having convinced myself I dont need to visit them.  I love to chat with, and encourage people to grow, and love getting positive feedback on my own growth.  The sight of a guys growth progress turns me on, and their enthusiasm for their size, be it fat or muslce, also turns me on.  Im even a little turned on at the thought of some of the negative gaining side effects, such as breathlessness and sweating, as long as its not extreme.  I had kind of assumed I am bisexual, but never ever get the excited feeling when im looking at guys in 'real life' as it were.  What do you think?

Thank you

Anon

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Oh, believe me, this issue of “because I get excited at the idea of my own growth or encouraging another guy’s growth—does that make me bisexual/gay/strange/confused?” comes up all the time.

Let me begin by congratulating you in terms of having taken charge of your body and feeling comfortable in your own skin after a lot of investment and hard work.

Let’s face it, in general American society, no one really gets an “owner’s manual” for the body they find themselves inhabiting. You have to do a lot of studying, experimentation and questioning to discover what works best for you, as you discovered trying to get the size and shape you really wanted.  I often tell patients, clients, and students, you frequently need to find out what you don’t want in order to find out what you do want. In your case, that seems to mean being your height and under 150 pounds feels “wrong” and being over 200 pounds and flabby  feels wrong.  But like Goldilocks, you found out what was “just right” for you.

That can provide you a warm and fuzzy feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction.  It makes you feel at home in your own skin, and that is an amazing feeling.

Let’s put the body stuff aside for a moment and think about this as a sport.  While there are undoubtedly some guys who work as coaches who have an unhealthy sexual interest in their student athletes (looking at you, ex-coach Jerry Sandusky—hope the jail thing is working out for you), in my experiences, most coaches are dedicated to helping their players become the best they can be, which then makes the team the best it can be.  And if they succeed—then they’ve grabbed the gold ring of becoming the best coaches they can be.  I think this is what is you’re experiencing by encouraging others to become what they desire to become. As a coach, you’re not focused on “doing” a player, and that’s what I hear from your description of your experience.

Long and long ago, my first lover had me accompany him to visit a psychic. I sat quietly at the table and listened to him ask her about his (troubled) relationship with his father. She responded his soul was actually much older than his father’s soul, and that was the source of their conflict. He was also a psychologist, and this was not the answer he expected, but he found it strangely satisfying.  He then glanced over at me and asked her, “What about him.”

Then she got very serious and said, “This is his last incarnation. One of the reasons the two of you are together is because he gets to relive many experiences through you. It allows him to appreciate better what he’s gone through to get where he is today.”

What I’d like you to take away from this little bit of my own personal history—is that you’ve come a very long way with a lot of success and satisfaction. When you help others along the path—and some say you can only guide someone down a path as far as you’ve been yourself—you get a chance to relive how exciting and satisfactory that felt when you were going through the same thing at an earlier stage of your life.  For some, it also puts additional (and welcome) pressure on you to up your own game, so you don’t get complacent or “stuck” but keep growing and maturing.

Enjoy your happy marriage, and realize your interest in supporting others has little impact on your wife other than keeping you a happy camper, and a happy camper tends to contribute to a stronger and happier relationship.  It doesn’t mean you’re going to wake up one day and run off with a gainer or bodybuilder male, anymore than most professional football coaches are going to run off with their star quarterback. Is it healthy to be happy you’re you? In therapy we call that “self-esteem” and it’s a goal most people want to accomplish.  I’d also found some people find recalling older experiences—like being out of breath or sweating—and I bet you did both a lot when you were trying to run off those pounds when you were a flabby 202—is like trying on old clothes. You discover you’ve outgrown them and they don’t fit any more. Thinking about the side effects of gaining—that you’ve experienced yourself—lets you celebrate the fact you’re no longer “that guy” but a successful “real man” who clocks in at 222 pounds of what you want to be.

Way to go, big guy!