Bringing Up The Subject Of Gaining...

Like many on this site I want to get involved with feeding, and recently I began talking to a girl that I've known since high school. She regularly fluctuates in weight and goes from fairly skinny to overweight. She was very skinny once and then worked at McDonalds for example and gained quite a bit.

Now she already does it on her own, what would be the best way to bring up the subject to her? I think she looks great with more fat on her and I could tell her that, but that doesn't quite say "I'd love to have you keep eating and getting bigger".

Any advice?

*********************************************************************

I’m unclear on the extent of your familiarity with this person.  You state you’ve known her “since high school” but have you actually dated?  Is she simply someone you know from a distance, who perhaps, sat two rows away in your home room? 

In other words, if I'm with someone who is a "friend" but we've never made out, it's probably not "ok" for me to be stroking his/her "cute little belly" and saying how much I enjoy it.

When I used to teach gender studies, I would show illustrations from anthropology as to what constitutes a "safe", i.e., non-erotic part of the body--where a person who is not a sexual partner can touch without violating societal standards. In other words, a waitperson in a restaurant can touch you on your shoulder or on your hand and you would probably be fine with that. In fact, there have been a few studies where that a simple and single touch by a waitperson will usually generate a higher tip than if he or she hadn’t touched you.

But a waitperson you don’t know who reaches down and pats your “cute little belly” may be behaving in a way some of you would find extremely intrusive.

I am most curious if for a lot of men or women who are part of the “gainer/encourager” crowd might be turned on by a relative stranger touching their “cute little belly” because it starts to feel as if one has walked into a gainer fiction scene—as opposed to someone who isn’t into this “kink” being freaked out by it.

I suspect there is a gender difference—men are socialized to be more comfortable with general body contact than women (for example, it’s not at all unusual for a gathering of men (in a sports bar—in the locker at the golf course) to joke about a friend’s weight gain or to give the gainer a belly rub or pat. I have a hard time imagining a group of female friends doing that if a member started spreading out). Women are also socialized to always be aware of potential rapists, so someone who is not yet established as a potential desired sexual partner may not be welcome touching her “cute little belly.”

There is, of course, also the social context. I remember a friend visiting me when I lived in San Francisco. We were in a gay bar and he was saying how much he admired me because he felt I had no inhibitions about interacting with men I didn’t know. I was puzzled by this. I turned around and looked at him while we were walking in the bar’s hallway. “You mean like this?” And then I stopped in front of a very handsome Asian-American man. I said to him, “You’re very beautiful.” Then I pulled him close and kissed him. I smiled and walked away, carrying on the conversation with my friend.

This is not something I would have done in a supermarket or a theater. It’s also not something I would ever have considered doing to a woman in a straight bar—but in the social context of a gay bar, my behavior was within a certain acceptable range. I should probably mention the Asian-American man seemed very happy with the interaction. If he had not responded in a positive non-verbal manner when I engaged him, I would certainly not have pulled him close and kissed him.

So—I think we have (as ever) a number of levels to consider:

1) I’ve just met you and you interest me as a potential partner.
2) We’re dating and have “gotten to first base” (is this American slang? For those not from “around here” this is an sort of “old-fashioned” way of sorting out how far one has gotten in pursuit of a sexual relationship—“first base” is a term from the sport of Baseball, and means there has been initial physicality—such as kissing—but no intercourse.
3) We’re in a sexual relationship.

This sort of thing comes up a lot in the gay community when one has an interest in someone new—perhaps a new employee at work, or someone who’s just joined your church, temple, or synagogue. “Is he or isn’t he?” If a gay man hits on a man who turns out to be straight, it can sometimes lead to a lot of problems. If a self-identified straight man is insecure about his own sexuality, he can even become violent at the expressed interest of another man.

Just so, just as gay men have to "drop hairpins" (a gay term for "dropping hints" to determine a stranger's sexual orientation--an example would be "Do you go out to the bars a lot?"--Straight men tend to use a singular--"going to a bar"--lol--one year I was presenting at the American Anthropological Association on a panel about how gays and lesbians identify themselves to each other in a straight setting. The title of one presentation was "Lesbian Tongue Technique"--how lesbians "drop hints" to one another. An example she gave was the use of the word "self-empowerment" as a clue the stranger is "lady-loving..."

Based on the “gay” model, I would suggest determining if a potential partner is ok with weight-gain might benefit from what we call in therapy an “indirect” approach. This is the idea of basically using a “story about a story” in conversation to bring up a potentially controversial topic. Erickson called these “My Friend John” stories. An example would be, “I have a friend named John who is really into larger women. He was saying how much he enjoys hugging his current girlfriend because she feels so much softer after putting on a few pounds.”


If the response is then, “AWW—that’s so gross!” then it probably isn’t the time to tell her, “And hey—you’d sure look great with another 20 pounds on ya!”


The indirect approach then also involves commenting on how happy a chubby couple (if you’re well fed—or a skinny guy/cubby female couple if you’re on the lean side)  look together, so one starts to build up an association of “fat/fatter=content/sexy.” If her verbal and non-verbal response is positive, then it’s time to suggest bringing this into the relationship.

I’ve also mentioned this more than once—there’s a different dynamic in play if one is an encourager or feeder, and has a sole focus on piling the pounds on a partner—vs feeling good about being in a mutual gaining situation. In other words, a date with a six pack who tells me, “I wish you’d get fat” feels very different to me than someone who’s just ordered dessert who smiles and tells me, “Here—have a bite of this—it’s delicious.” If you unbutton the top button of your jeans, and say, “I just love your cooking,” you’re not just telling me you’re ok with not looking like an A&F model—you’re also showing me. If you’re ok with having a “muffin top” then I’m going to suspect you’re not going to attack me if I put on some weight as well.