Ethics of Desire?

So here's a fun theoretical question for you all. Is there any situation in which being attracted to someone heavy is unethical?  I know that a lot (I think it's safe to say the majority) of people who are morbidly obese don't find their bodies sexy, don't feel sexy themselves, and didn't gain weight on purpose. And I know that their mobility issues and etc cause them a lot of physical and emotional pain and misery.

But fat people do it for me--I just can't help it. And fat people getting fatter really do it for me. Whether these people are wiling or not, whether the 450-pound guy waddling and huffing down the sidewalk did this to himself purposefully or not, I look at him and get horny.

How ethical is this? Is it ok to be aroused by someone fat getting fatter but becoming more miserable? Sure, there are plenty of non-con feeding stories, but those are just stories, whereas the latest guy who had to be extricated from his house with a wrecking ball is a real person.

Thoughts?

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Whitehead and Russell proposed the idea that what often seems to be a paradox is actually caused by a confusion (or collapse) of what can be understood as actual levels of thought. When one understands that these levels exist, then the paradox disappears, when there is a realization you've been operating at the "wrong" level.

I think this is part of your confusion...you are putting your erotic arousal in the same category with the other person's reality, when in most cases they are two separate realities. In the instance of mutual support--where a gainer and encourager are well matched...well, that's yet another category.

To put it in another way, when a gay twink who meets current gay popular media standards swishes by in a bar, do you think it's unethical for someone standing by the bar to find him attractive? In both your situation and the twink's admirer, there may be no conscious awareness of the object of desire that attention is even being paid by someone.

On another level/layer, there's no question that society influences all these individuals...just so, a couple of generations ago, being well-padded was seen as desirable because it meant someone was well off. Now our society has made a statement that being fat is undesirable or unhealthy (and if you've been following more recent research, carrying additional weight is not as unhealthy as it was considered 10 years ago, and indeed, may be healthier in the long run than being underweight). I suppose an argument can be made that there is an ethical component when someone like you (or me) supports the general American standards that pressure a woman to get breast implants or when a gay man will use crystal to keep a 30 inch waist to meet "approval," regardless of how they may feel about themselves and what is most comfortable and appropriate for them. On another level, you (or me) choosing to reinforce other standards will probably have about as much impact on society as our becoming vegans will have on the meat industry.

I think you're also generalizing in terms of what brings an individual to chub status.  You're now used to comments from an extremely specialized population that focuses on gaining and bellies...as you shared, that wasn't even the reality of your partner,who seems to be in the process of making sense of this for himself. I'm assuming that gaining was not necessarily part of his erotic map as it is yours... I guess the point of this is that people walk into chub status from a number of different doorways, some of which are more deliberate than others. In other comments I have also pointed out that some people gain as an indirect way of dealing with another issue. As a therapist, I will sometimes see someone who, say, has lost a lover, and in a depressed state, gains a great deal of weight, which makes him even more depressed, and he experiences a downward spiral. This is completely different from a guy who gets off on getting bigger and consciously decides to gain. One is an indirect way of dealing with an issue (which is what we usually consider to be a pathological response) and the other is dealing directly with an issue (which we consider to be healthy). 

From an ethical standpoint, I am also familiar over the years of encountering someone I would not necessarily classify as a gainer who gets involved with a very dominant encourager and fattens up primarily to please the encourager, with the fear that if he doesn't gain or loses weight, he'll lose his relationship with the encourager. This is another example where someone is gaining for an indirect reason--to have a relationship, rather than because it's what the gainer wants. Just so, many "standard" folks diet and take drugs or over-exercise to keep a body they feel is necessary to keep a boyfriend.  

Is this ethical? It's an interesting question, because people often fanasize what it is that matters without checking with the partner if it's ok to change. In other words, what keeps the person "in check" is his internal dialog of what he thinks his partner will think or feel. As a therapist, the irony is, that the partner may be having his own internal dialog which neither one shares with the other. When they finally do, it may be a situation similar to what you report of your own life...a desired chub who has a hard time believing that you really do see him as a desirable and erotic guy --and that others would feel the same way about chubs and gainers.

And finally--for lack of a better term, our "elder statesmen" of Fatville have provided a lot of insight into the distinction between reality and fantasy...and that one doesn't have to give up the fantasy even if the reality fails. I am aware of a number of gainers who do a yo yo experience because the gaining itself is a turn on which they can experience repeatedly by going down in size and then regaining the weight.

Perhaps one of the most ethical things we can do is being supportive to those we care about to be as healthy as possible in achieving what they desire. I think that's also something I'm hearing from some gainers and encouragers...not just how one grows, but how to do it in the healthiest way possible.