Does Getting Bigger Mean A Lower Sex Drive?

I’ve been told that the bigger you get the less Sex drive you have... which sucks! Is this true or is it mainstream media telling lies again??

As I think I’ve shared on here before, I’m a therapist and sex researcher, and I went into the field primarily because I wanted to figure out why I was turned on by a well built belly. My sex research has focused on Inter-racial Same-Sex Couples, but I’ve also had the opportunity to speak with and interview a number of men in the “gaining community,” although I have not had a chance to speak to nearly as many women.

I think it’s important to distinguish between different groups, or otherwise it’s going to end up like saying “All African-Americans…” or “Every White person…” I learned so much when I went to Holland to present on my findings and sat in on a lecture by a local therapist who announced in her presentation there were “no healthy lesbian couples.” Since I had personally interviewed several, I raised my hand and asked where she got her data. She answered from her patients.

It’s really crappy research to only interview people who are seeking help. Let me tell you, as a therapist, I rarely see someone come in to tell me, “You know, I’m really doing great but I think I can be even better!”

People who are in a really good headspace don’t tend to seek therapy. People in crisis often do.

Just so, I find it reasonable unless you deliberately seek a random population base, it’s easiest to get information from patients, or people with problems. A lot of people who belong to sites like this get left out.

A) From my “orientation” as a therapist, I follow the lead of Milton Erickson—“What we call a neurosis is the complex way in which a patient deals indirectly with his problem.” In other words, if the person could deal DIRECTLY with his or her problem, the person wouldn’t need therapy. As a therapist I have worked with (and the literature is out there) both men and women who were sexually abused and tried to indirectly “reject” sexual overtures from others by treating fat as a type of “body armor.” In the gay community, I’ll also see that with what are sometimes called “Muscle Marys." These are men who try to get huge muscles as a type of body armor. For men and women in this category, sex is a problem—and it isn’t a problem about the Fat/Muscle. The gain—of fat or muscle, isn’t about celebrating sex—it’s about trying to avoid sex. Believe me, with these folks, sex is going to be a problem no matter what size they are. For those of us who are FA/Encouragers/Chasers, these are the types that are a really bad match because they can’t figure out why the fat they unconsciously are trying to use to reject sexual/sensual overtures actually attract them. They can get terrified and/or angry with the (for them) frightening attention, because on an unconscious level they may fear being sexually assaulted again.

B)  For a lot of the folks on this site and similar ones, they are gaining, or are fat because they are dealing DIRECTLY with their concerns. In that case, gaining or maintaining size is related to “empowerment,” which is always healthy for self-esteem issues. When you combine empowerment and self-esteem, sex drive will often increase.

C) Just so, I have interviewed many people, (and I can also read about them on the forums) for whom gaining is a real turn on. One person shared that he and his wife considered his belly to be “an erogenous zone that keeps getting bigger.”

D) Having taught in a medical school for a number of years, I can also report there are some sexual dysfunctions that are created by medication one’s own physician has prescribed. Blood pressure medication or antidepressants can trigger sexual dysfunction, and because of prejudice on the part of medical personnel, there can be the assumption because you are “older,” or “fat,” of course your sex drive or libido has tanked. This is where some earlier posts are spot on about how media and general cultural attitudes often come to false conclusions.

E)  When a person works hard not to be himself—a Gay guy who does his best to be “straight,” or a gainer who starves himself to please his parents and maintain a 29inch waist—there is a tremendous toll in emotional energy.  Think of it as using this energy to maintain a “cage” that traps the true self.  When that energy is released by the person learning to embrace himself—he embraces the fact he’s Gay, or the fact he’s a gainer—that energy can often manifest in an incredible sex drive.   This means for a “true” gainer, starting to grow after such a long time of starvation can be unbelievably erotic.  This can also be true for someone who is finally in a relationship with someone who is also excited about the weight gain.  In this case, the opposite of your original question is actually the truth…getting bigger means an increased sex drive.

To conclude—people are big for different reasons. Lol—one size does not fit all. If someone were coming for therapy about sexual drive, the immediate questions I’ve been taught to ask--

“Have you been satisfied with your sexual drive before?” If the answer is “Yes,” then I want to know what’s changed, and if the answer is “No,” then it may mean the person needs to learn a new “script” or a new set of skills to get his or her sex drive where it’s operating in a satisfactory manner

WOW...That's very interesting. I always wondered why I lost so much weight unintentionally after a similar situation when I was 17, but this makes sense. But since I loved being big, it was my defense mechanism to be thin instead of fat...hmm. Yes--your situation makes sense to me in a very logical way. I've been taught to think of the unconscious mind as being "child-like" (which to me is a compliment as opposed to "childish". Like a child, the unconscious mind tends to think in very "concrete" ways as opposed to "abstract" ones. This sometimes leads to situations where if "you" were "in charge," you'd do something differently from what your unconscious does. From your "adult" ego standpoint, what your unconscious does seems "odd." For example, there are several cases I know of patients who will lose weight until they are almost hitting their "goal weight" and then completely binge and gain all the weight back. When you talk to them, you discover that when they were at that weight in their past, something terrible happened to them--they were raped--were attacked--were sent to a mental institution. On an unconscious level, they learned to associate being at that size with being hurt/crazy. As an "adult" you can see these two things ("bad experience" and "certain size" are not necessarily connected to one another, but your unconscious doesn't like to take chances lol. I celebrate that you are now able to be the person you want to be.

The Hand You're Dealt...

Following up on XJock’s manifesto on fat recently posted, I thought I’d come back to the theme of “Why,” and the eternal “conflict” involved.   Here are the observations of a big guy who uses the screen name of sfbaydude02, he is a 20something “gainer/encourager/belly-lover/person living in NYC.  You can follow his own blog at:  SFBayDude02 recounts a friend of his calling in about his gaining “kink” to my old friend, Dan Savage, who does a sex-advice column, “Savage Love.”

www.sfbaydude02.blogspot.com

  On a Personal disclosure level, we've corresponded viat the net. 

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But otherwise, Mr. Savage had some pretty sensible advice to give. Anyone who’s ever felt conflicted about this—or any—kink, should give this a listen. I’m sure you’ll hear something in my friend’s voice that sounds altogether familiar. I know I did.KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE

The conversation covers a lot of ground really quick, so there’s plenty to take in, but one of the things that struck me most was that my friend had all his facts straight—they just weren’t connecting to something deeper within him.

You can hear him say that this kink is a part of him and will continue to be for a long time. He seems to know that to be happy, he needs to engage it, whether that means telling a civilian partner about it or dating guys who are into it as well, or even gaining some weight himself.

And yet, he seems to be unable to make the connection between those facts, which he accepts on a conscious, visceral level, and something deeper that’s happening inside him.

No matter what he knows—and what Mr. Savage says—it just doesn’t feel right in his gut (pun intended).

For as much as we like to think that people are rational beings, we’re largely not. We’re emotional beings, which is what makes us so unique.

If we were rational, and always acted in ways that served our own happiness and prosperity, life would be pretty routine and boring.   But we’re unpredictable. We act based as much on feeling as we do on facts, if not moreso.

And the thing about facts is that they don’t always coalesce with our deeper feelings. So even when we accept them (like accepting that this kink isn’t going anywhere and that to be happy, I need to engage it) it’s still hard to make the jump from simply knowing that to really accepting it—and living it.

Deep down inside, I think a lot of us want to be “normal.” Most kinks only manifest themselves in the bedroom. If you like feet or scat or bondage,   all of it happens behind closed doors. So you can engage those kinks and 99 percent of your life can still be “normal.”

But gaining has ramifications for our lives outside the bedroom. Those extra pounds don’t disappear when you climax. And your friends will notice your partner’s added girth.

All of that can make accepting—and I mean truly accepting—this kink a little bit more difficult. Especially when that little voice deep inside you is sending all kinds of mixed messages about your body, your role in life and what others will think of you.CERTAIN MISERY VS A CHANCE AT HAPPINESS

Mr. Savage said something during the conversation that I thought was particularly profound:

“Just like at one point you had to accept your homosexuality, you need to accept that you have this [kink]. And it’s not the [kink] that’s making you miserable. It’s you not reconciling yourself to the [kink] that’s making you miserable—it’s the conflict in your heart that you maintain through not accepting it and having a sense of humor about it.”

In a nutshell: the kink isn’t the problem; the conflict we create about the kink is.

I think that’s an important line to draw for those who are conflicted, because when you view the kink—and with it, your sexuality—as a problem, you end up turning it into an “other”. It becomes something separate from you and damaging to you. So you focus your baggage on that darn kink. If only you could shake it off, everything would be better.

By turning something that is naturally a part of us into an “other,” we keep ourselves from accepting it. The only way to get over that is to take all that anxiety and fear and refocus it. Instead of hating and resenting the kink, hate and resent the conflict you have with the kink.

Make that conflict the thing that needs to go away, not the desire to get bigger or make someone else bigger.

Mr. Savage continued with his advice:

“You’re miserable right now. You have the certain misery of continuing on as you have up until this point. Or you have what? Maybe you’ll be open about and some people will be shitty about it, and you’ll feel a little bad about it. But only by being open about it will you meet other people who are open about it and self-accepting about it, and find some happiness and contentment. It’s just like when you’re in the closet, when your option is certain misery in the closet or a chance of happiness out.”

The idea of accepting this kink and all that goes with it can be scary (it is uncertain, after all), but it’s a wholly happier prospect than ignoring or suppressing it.

My friend on the call refers to being dealt a weird hand. I think all of us were dealt weird hands, but I’d hardly call them bad hands.

We can’t control the cards we’re dealt. That’s for certain. But we sure as hell can decide how we play them.

Fit In? Or Bust Out! Meet XJock

The most common question I find asked about gaining and fat admiration is a variation of “Why?”  I’ve certainly tried to answer this a number of times, but I thought I would also share the observations of someone else, and recommend you visit his site— www.xjock.net

XJock is a thirty-something, well, “ex-jock” lol.  He suggests “We need to expand, extend and blow-up our ideas of what's hot.” He goes into a lot of detail about how he wasn’t happy with his stereotypical “hot jock body” and improved it by piling on the pounds.  One caution for those of you who are a bit prudish when it comes to nudity and videos of people having sex, either as a solo act or with a partner.  Xjock is very comfortable in not only sharing images and videos of himself and his boyfriend (who obviously enjoys having more boyfriend to jiggle) and he also puts up videos of others who excite him.  Having written that let me point out his site is not exclusively about sex demonstrations.

Another interesting aspect of Xjock is his enjoyment of what’s often referred to in the Gaining (and BDSM) community as “humiliation.”  I think I’ll do a separate post about this in the future, but I’ll let Xjock describe in his own words why he actively seeks this sort of response.  You can also visit his Youtube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/xxJock

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XJock’s Manifesto:  FUCKING WITH BINARIES: 

FIT vs. FAT

[This is an excerpt from an e-mail response to a curious inquirer.]

…In terms of “gainer culture” I am unsure where I locate myself, that is, I am merely someone who had a body that was considered “hot” and now has a body that is considered “not (as) hot” by our society’s arbitrary and misinformed standards of beauty. Some guys who participate in this blog might say this is a hypocritical and somewhat dishonest thing to say, since I clearly get a lot of pleasure out of having a bigger, fuller body. However, this pleasure comes not from a desire to be something that I am not, but an enjoyment of what I am (literally- such as rubbing my dick against my belly). I also happen to be an unapologetic narcissist and an exhibitionist which allowed me to collect all these images over time (proof of how our bodies change) and place them in a pseudo-narrative of weight gain. And this narrative that I’ve generated serves two purposes: first (and foremost) to get me off, and second, to force us to question our ideas of what we consider “hot” and “ugly” (regardless of what turns you on or not). I don’t plan to change anything, I just want to fuck with the ideals that we hold on to and shoot a nice load in the process.

I like how gainer culture turns typical beauty standards upside down as it forces us to question what we think of as “natural ideas of beauty and health”. As I grew up with these ideals and eventually was able to have the body that I thought I always wanted, I realized that it didn’t make me as happy as I thought it would (I felt like I was holding on to it for someone else). So instead, I decided to focus on exercise as a way to make me feel good (instead to “make me look like society would want me to look”). It sounds cheesy, but I believe that accepting oneself to the point of getting rid of many insecurities is part of being mentally healthy (much healthier than having a flat stomach, and that’s an understatement).

As for the unique nature of the blog (tease | bully | praise | worship), the dynamic that is generated here through people’s active participation gives me a lot of pleasure (both sexual and intellectual– not that these are separate). It interests me and amuses me that it shocks or confuses most people. On the one hand, I feel like I am self confident enough to take pleasure on what a lot of people fear the most: being bullied or teased because of the way one looks. On the other hand (and on a larger level), I believe that by welcoming and asking for insults, the blog takes the power away from them as it repurposes them for sexual pleasure when normally they are supposed to be an expression of social power and dominance: a way to control others and to put them down (to destroy people’s self esteem).

I can tell you that your instincts are right in that calling this a “fat fetish” is not the best term. Not because it might offend people (it certainly doesn’t offend me) but because culturally speaking, the term fetish, relegates a source of pleasure not only to a minority practice (nothing wrong with that) but most importantly, it takes away the implications of that sexual activity (fetish) for the entire society out of which that minority is from.
Ideas of what is “beautiful” are ideologically charged. That is, these are influenced by a particular society’s beliefs in a whole range of subjects. The idea of the “hot jock” necessitates its counterpart, the “fat ass” or the “skinny wimp/dork/nerd”, just as “good” needs “evil” in order for the binary to be powerful and relevant. I don’t want to get any deeper into this but I must say that these binaries (e.g.: fat vs. thin, jocks vs. dorks) not only serve as a source of inspiration for popular fiction (I’m sure you can think of many books, movies and TV shows) but also affect people’s experiences of growing up (many people have issues with weight, skinny or fat).

XJock’s Manifesto “Take 2”:BE CRUEL TO 

THE CULT OF THE FIT BODY

The cult of the fit body is an unhealthy one at heart masked under the guise of health and well-being. It is about restricting and conforming our bodies to a single mold; if we were all to follow this ideal, we’d all look like mass produced – identical drones, effectively eliminating our character and making it impossible for us to celebrate and get pleasure from difference.

Growing our bodies and/or taking pleasure in seeing other’s grow is an act of erotic transgression and an active worshipping of what society has demonized through pseudo-scientific discourse as “unhealthy”. Finding a balance between our desire to maintain life (health, excersise, diet) and our pleasure in what makes us different should never trump our individuality, and being big does not necessarily mean that all fatties will die of a heart attack. The desire to be big is only related to obesity on the surface. That is, wanting to be big and the desire and pleasure we take in growing cannot be conceived as a form of disease. Rather, the desire to worship and rejoice in what’s big shows our desire to transgress the prison that our bodies have become: to challenge, disrupt and question the norm in regards to what we consider “attractive” or “unattractive”.

We need to wake up and be aware that our impulse to hide our desires and fantasies is an active form of self-repression and censorship.

We need to be aware that taking active pleasure on bigger bodies, something that society continues to demonize, has the potential to blow-up the ideology behind the cult of the fit body and expose it as the prison that it really is. This is why we must be cruel, unapologetic and merciless against the limiting, constricting and disciplnarian nature of our culture’s obsession with “thin”.

And XJock's Interest In Being Teased And Humilated:

A lot of you might think I look hot fat, but sometimes I can’t help but judge myself by the standards I used to hold a few years back: I would be damn right ashamed of myself if I knew back then that I’d be like this now, but I’d also be pretty fucking amazed that I would have the guts to post this and confess that as a fat ass I get off thinking about how my ex jock self would turn me around and pound me hard while treating me like the pathetic fat pig I’ve become. *Sighhh* …any questions as to why I have this blog?  

Bullying and Insults

3 comments

The following two posts and comments are thematically related and have to be one of my all-time favorites. They are creative and they turn me on big-time in describing how I’m in a downward spiral of decadence.

What do you think about all this religious talk, it got me jackin’, maybe some of you can offer some insight as to why we enjoy this so much.

Post #1

Anonymous said…

According to a Vatican study, the most common sins confessed by men are gluttony, sloth and lust. Exhibit A is the attached video by “xjock”, who is so far down the road to decadence and moral self-destruction, that his life is a constant blur of all three of those sins. Notice the flabby belly, pecs and thighs from years of wanton gluttony, the pathetic and slothful imitation of physical exercise, and the inability to resist masturbation for even a few hours at a time. This is truly a lost soul, crying out for God’s mercy (or perhaps he’s merely crying out for another helping or two at the local buffet.)

bgtyu

(seriously, love your vids!)

June 18, 2009 4:03 AM

Post #2

[18:10] boilerunit: Seriously, dude, in some of your older photos, it just looks like you’ve just lost your six pack, but with a little effort you could get it back. But in that video, its completely obvious that its far too late for you now.
[18:13] boilerunit: Congratulations, you have turned yourself into a disgusting fatbody. That nice set of pecs you were so proud of? Well, I’m sure they’re in there somewhere, buried under those chubby man-tits that are almost big enough to hang over that massive, flabby, revolting pile of fat that keeps getting bigger and that you can’t seem to keep your hands off of. (Trust me, you have chubby man-tits, if you don’t believe me, just watch that video again).
[18:13] boilerunit: You know what your problem is lardass? Greed. Pure and simple; you’re a lazy, greedy, selfish pig who can’t help but eat everything in sight and then, even then, wishes that there was more and wants attention. You probably can’t help it anymore, and so you’re becoming a gluttonous fat man who will stuff himself with every fattening thing he sees until he can’t eat any more. The fact that you smoke just shows how little will power you have in the face of your own cravings.
[18:14] boilerunit: Maybe you could hide your greediness for awhile behind that skinny adonis body, satisfied with the adoration of mainstream society. I’ll bet that was nice. Those days are long gone now that you’re letting yourself completely chub out.

Your inherent selfishness is written all over that soft, jiggling body. You can probably feel the results of your face-stuffing indulgences when your flab quivers pathetically with every step you take, and the thing is, it obviously just makes you want more. And if you keep this up, you’ll get more, and soon the whole world will be able to look at you and see what a greedy tub of lard you really are.

Serially Dating Gay Men

Here's a change of pace from my more standard "fat" stuff.  I often post on a general "Gay" site.  They had done a feature on a woman with a history of "serially dating gay men." She was relating what a negative experience this had been. I’ll share an excerpt, followed by my comment, which then elicited a question addressed to me, and my response to that.

After the Eric situation, you’d think I’d have learned a little something, but nay, nay Toy with Mes. I’m a slow learner because a couple of years after Eric came Adam. Like Eric, Adam was a cutie patootie. He was a jewelry designer whose turn-ons included anything by Ralph Lauren, interior design, avant-garde art, and kittens. He always smelled incredible and looked as pretty as a picture in a magazine. I KNOW! I told you I’m kind of a fucktard. And he wanted to like boobies, but it just wasn’t working. He was horrible in the boudoir, but I kept sleeping with him hoping it would get better, but it didn’t.


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As a Family Therapist specializing in Couples, I find it fascinating how "talented" folks were at picking "non-threatening" partners. This often results in women who eventually came out as bi or lesbian dating men who later came out as bi or gay (or transgendered).
I would also see women who had been sexually abused who repeatedly choose a (not yet out) gay partner to date because again...he will not press for sex…which suits the woman just fine.

As a general rule of thumb, when dating the "same" type of "wrong" partner repeats itself, as Therapists, we are alerted to look into how the "wronged" person is "setting her/himself up" rather than to accept the idea, of "Oh, I am a victim of these people with whom I shared a relationship."

What's also interesting as a Therapist, is realizing the choices are usually made at an unconscious level, so the patient often keeps repeating the pattern without gaining insight into why they make the choices they do.

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@Professor Fatology: Professor F., I find your comment very interesting…I've been looking up the subject for a while now…
I´ve been looking back on my past childhood "crushes" and learned that most of them are now gay! I have carried on the same "taste" for "androgynous men" into my 20s and I´m currently dating one after 6 years. I´m sure that I´m totally heterosexual and I don´t think my current boyfriend is gay, nothing indicates that he is, but I´m afraid that history could repeat itself…might there be something in this pattern that I´m not seeing?
L
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Dear L

Let me first say for legal and ethical purposes what I share is meant to be educational in nature, rather than therapeutic.

I was mentored by (maysherestinpeace) Virginia Satir.  If you ever read a book Uncommon Therapy by Jay Haley, there’s some great stuff on her. One of the trainings she did was to have us sit with our knees almost touching and stare into the eyes of our training partner for 10 minutes. She believed that after the age of 16, you never meet a new person. That is—everyone you will meet will remind you of someone you’ve known, and often on an unconscious level, you will tend to relate to the ―new person as if he or she were the familiar one. This is not necessarily tied to gender or age—for example, maybe your current boyfriend reminds you of your Aunt Minnie because of the way both of them cock their heads when they listen to you, or they both have the same accent. This was Satir’s explanation of why you can meet a ―stranger and feel immediately comfortable with him/her, or why you can meet a new person and hate them on the spot.
My earlier post was from the perspective of a Family Therapist. It's very rare to see a new patient who isn't coming in because of a problem. In my many years, I've only had one person come in and say, ―You know, I'm doing really well but I bet I can do even better! I tend to see the women who date gay men, and then turn out frustrated, or lesbian/bi/transgendered or have been sexually abused in their youth because they've gotten to a point where the repeated patterns of their lives have made them unhappy enough to be motivated for change.

If that's not your case…then perhaps dating a man who ―reminds you of the gay men you've known in the past (or hell your Aunt Minnie-remember, the Satir stuff isn't necessarily connected to gender) simply isn't a problem. In which case, the historical associations you have with your current boyfriend simply gives him an ―extra helping of attractiveness. If you are both happy, then this isn't a good time to ―fix what's not broken.

We also know from John Money’s theory the Lovemap (what constitutes your erotic landscape—what floats your boat) is set at an early age—often before you are 8. There have always been androgynous males that many women find attractive. The general pop psych attitude is that it’s related to pre-adolescent feelings of ―safety—in other words, a ―Tween (as they are often called these days) finds a Justin Beiber or Zac Whatsis, or a Jonas brother ―sexy  because they don't register on the scale as strongly masculine. Someone exploring romance for the first time around isn't developmentally ready for sex…so a strongly masculine appearing male doesn’t register—or reads as ―dangerous—which is why the ―bad boy kicks the androgynous romantic off the radar a few years down the road for a lot of girls when she is developmentally ready to ―get physical, and the posters that covered the wall with the earlier heart throb get pulled down and replaced.

Lol—I think of my first lover who told me how religious he was in high school and used to write letters to Jesus, until he hit the developmental stage of realizing he could find ―cute boys who would write back.

Anyway—perhaps your Lovemap was set on ―androgynous at a very early age, and someone in this category will always attract your attention, rather than the big and "dangerous" type.

Mind Reading In Relationships

I really enjoyed something I read in one of your earlier posts.  Not only that, but you're never too old or "experienced" to learn something new. I found a total gem here: "the meaning of your communication is the response that you receive". Although that doesn't apply universally in every communication, it certainly helps explain why we sometimes feel like we aren't -- or can't be -- understood, particularly in social or intimate situations. I intend to put that one to really good use, Professor Fatology, thank you!

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I thank you for your kind remarks. My training/practice is in "Brief Systemic Intervention" which means I tend to work with couples/families rather than individuals and will see them on the average of 8-10 times. That means I need to focus on doing work quickly and also teaching them how to behave differently while not depending on me. One of the major needs is to step away from "blame and shame" and to deal more directly with how people are interacting.

People often get "stuck" in specific patterns. Many of these patterns were taught in their families. But if you grew up in a different family, you might have different patterns. For example, in some families/cultures, you are taught to never ask for something directly. In other families/cultures, if you are asked for something indirectly, you are raised that you really weren't asked for anything at all.

This then begins a dance of one person feeling they are clearly communicating a need and getting angry at the other person for "ignoring" the indirect request. If I had a dollar for every time I've heard this with people trying to figure out a gaining relationship, I could retire. ("I tell him how sexy he'd be with another 30 pounds, and he ignores me!")

If you do "blame and shame" then the "hinting" partner feels the boyfriend is insensitive and cold, and if the other one does "blame and shame" then the "hinting" partner is slammed for not communicating what he "really wants." This is a case where "the meaning of your communication is the response you receive" becomes helpful as you explore what it is you really want to convey. It's also a very useful skill--to have the insight--"Hey, if I'm not getting the response I want--I ALWAYS have the power to change my own behavior." If I've given you what I intend as a compliment--and you don't receive it as such--I have learned how NOT to compliment you, but I haven't yet learned how to actually compliment you. I need to try out a different way of doing so.

On a personal disclosure level...in my adolescence, I had a number of very negative experiences of men attempting to force themselves on me sexually. As a result, I was always conscious of never trying to be too aggressive within a relationship. It took me some time to realize—there are some individuals who really WANT to be dominated, or treated in a more aggressive fashion.

All of the above relate to how often human beings tend to “mind read” their partners. (“I feel X so therefore, he must also feel X.”)—and we often fail to “mind read” very accurately. In the gaining community, I so frequently see “Oh, I can’t tell him I have this kink because he will think I’m bad/crazy/sick/stupid.” That’s mind-reading…the person has already decided how the partner or potential partner will act.

Here’s another “gem”—“If you don’t ask…the answer is always no.”

Do You Ever Regret Fattening Up Your Partner?

Do you ever regret fattening up your partner?

Things like watching them feel discouraged as they struggle to fit into what was one of their favorite pairs of pants. Or when they come home from an awkward doctor's appointment and feel slightly ashamed after being reminded how big they really are? Do you ever feel that twinge of guilt and pitty that it is slightly your fault?

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No.

I think this isn't a simple question, and deserves more than a simple answer. There's a spectrum of folks out there, and those of us who are really "focused" in the gaining community reflect a small portion of those who gain weight, maintain it, or admire the results. In other words, there are obviously people for whom personally gaining weight is an erotic/sensual experience. From some of the comments on this site, there are sometimes when these deliberate gainers have "second thoughts" or question what they are doing...but frequently realize the desire to gain "outweighs" the reasons to lose weight.

On a different level are those who gain weight where the eroticism and sensuality are not the "driving force." There are natural gluttons or hedonists for whom the weight gain is a "side effect" of their appetites and enjoyment. I'm sure for many of these, if they could "have their cake and

eat it too, and not gain weight", they would be very happy. I suspect a lot of straight men "fit" into this category. They may sometimes regret not being thinner, but don't feel it's worth it to diet and exercise and deny themselves pleasure to the point of being smaller.

My SigO, for example, has gone from about 150 pounds to his current 220+ pounds. He's an even more complicated case, where his "thin" state was a direct result of drug abuse/addiction (meth). We have a history of almost 14 years of an “off and on again” relationship, the “off” directly related to his drug abuse. He had gone through an earlier major weight gain, where when he was hired for a "dream" job that required drug testing during his probation, he stopped using meth and packed on the pounds to hit 230 in a matter of months. I think this was a combo of his metabolism being screwed from the meth, and substituting food for the drug. When he was over his probation, he did what he called "the meth diet" and immediately dropped 60 pounds. We were not a couple during this time, so I wasn't involved in his gaining.

After being off meth (long story but so far--a happy ending) he talked about how when he looks at his driver's license photo at 150 (he's 6 feet) he sees himself as looking "sick." I certainly agree. He associates his larger body with being healthier. Me too.

Then he "plays a game" I see a lot of folks play. "Oh, I need to lose 20 pounds! Don't buy any more cookies!" Then that evening..."Is there anything sweet to eat?" Yesterday he told me he wanted to lose 25 pounds over the next 2 months when he returns to Oregon to visit his best friend who was here last week. After dinner tonight, he not only went back for thirds, but about 90 minutes later started making his regular evening nutrella and honey sandwiches (well, to be honest--they are usually honey and peanut butter sandwiches--but naughty me--I picked up a jar of nutrella a couple of days ago) and I notice another 2 pumpkin and chocolate chip cookies are missing from the box.


Is he going to meet his goal of losing 25 pounds in two months at this rate? Do I hope he GAINS 25 more pounds in the next two months?

This comes back to how people tell you what they "ought" to do, as opposed to what they "do," or even "want" to do.

I should also add according to his physical exam  about 6 weeks ago, he's very healthy--no problems with high blood pressure, or blood workup. I am just amazed at the fact someone who is pushing 40 and who has majorly abused drugs for the last 15 years AND has gone from a size 30 jeans to 38 in a little over a year-- is in such good shape. I suspect I would feel a lot differently if I were sneaking him cookies and he was severely diabetic...but he's not. Hah--maybe my careful feeding him lots of healthy foods contributes to his healthy and sexy looking body :)