Does Getting Bigger Mean A Lower Sex Drive?

I’ve been told that the bigger you get the less Sex drive you have... which sucks! Is this true or is it mainstream media telling lies again??

As I think I’ve shared on here before, I’m a therapist and sex researcher, and I went into the field primarily because I wanted to figure out why I was turned on by a well built belly. My sex research has focused on Inter-racial Same-Sex Couples, but I’ve also had the opportunity to speak with and interview a number of men in the “gaining community,” although I have not had a chance to speak to nearly as many women.

I think it’s important to distinguish between different groups, or otherwise it’s going to end up like saying “All African-Americans…” or “Every White person…” I learned so much when I went to Holland to present on my findings and sat in on a lecture by a local therapist who announced in her presentation there were “no healthy lesbian couples.” Since I had personally interviewed several, I raised my hand and asked where she got her data. She answered from her patients.

It’s really crappy research to only interview people who are seeking help. Let me tell you, as a therapist, I rarely see someone come in to tell me, “You know, I’m really doing great but I think I can be even better!”

People who are in a really good headspace don’t tend to seek therapy. People in crisis often do.

Just so, I find it reasonable unless you deliberately seek a random population base, it’s easiest to get information from patients, or people with problems. A lot of people who belong to sites like this get left out.

A) From my “orientation” as a therapist, I follow the lead of Milton Erickson—“What we call a neurosis is the complex way in which a patient deals indirectly with his problem.” In other words, if the person could deal DIRECTLY with his or her problem, the person wouldn’t need therapy. As a therapist I have worked with (and the literature is out there) both men and women who were sexually abused and tried to indirectly “reject” sexual overtures from others by treating fat as a type of “body armor.” In the gay community, I’ll also see that with what are sometimes called “Muscle Marys." These are men who try to get huge muscles as a type of body armor. For men and women in this category, sex is a problem—and it isn’t a problem about the Fat/Muscle. The gain—of fat or muscle, isn’t about celebrating sex—it’s about trying to avoid sex. Believe me, with these folks, sex is going to be a problem no matter what size they are. For those of us who are FA/Encouragers/Chasers, these are the types that are a really bad match because they can’t figure out why the fat they unconsciously are trying to use to reject sexual/sensual overtures actually attract them. They can get terrified and/or angry with the (for them) frightening attention, because on an unconscious level they may fear being sexually assaulted again.

B)  For a lot of the folks on this site and similar ones, they are gaining, or are fat because they are dealing DIRECTLY with their concerns. In that case, gaining or maintaining size is related to “empowerment,” which is always healthy for self-esteem issues. When you combine empowerment and self-esteem, sex drive will often increase.

C) Just so, I have interviewed many people, (and I can also read about them on the forums) for whom gaining is a real turn on. One person shared that he and his wife considered his belly to be “an erogenous zone that keeps getting bigger.”

D) Having taught in a medical school for a number of years, I can also report there are some sexual dysfunctions that are created by medication one’s own physician has prescribed. Blood pressure medication or antidepressants can trigger sexual dysfunction, and because of prejudice on the part of medical personnel, there can be the assumption because you are “older,” or “fat,” of course your sex drive or libido has tanked. This is where some earlier posts are spot on about how media and general cultural attitudes often come to false conclusions.

E)  When a person works hard not to be himself—a Gay guy who does his best to be “straight,” or a gainer who starves himself to please his parents and maintain a 29inch waist—there is a tremendous toll in emotional energy.  Think of it as using this energy to maintain a “cage” that traps the true self.  When that energy is released by the person learning to embrace himself—he embraces the fact he’s Gay, or the fact he’s a gainer—that energy can often manifest in an incredible sex drive.   This means for a “true” gainer, starting to grow after such a long time of starvation can be unbelievably erotic.  This can also be true for someone who is finally in a relationship with someone who is also excited about the weight gain.  In this case, the opposite of your original question is actually the truth…getting bigger means an increased sex drive.

To conclude—people are big for different reasons. Lol—one size does not fit all. If someone were coming for therapy about sexual drive, the immediate questions I’ve been taught to ask--

“Have you been satisfied with your sexual drive before?” If the answer is “Yes,” then I want to know what’s changed, and if the answer is “No,” then it may mean the person needs to learn a new “script” or a new set of skills to get his or her sex drive where it’s operating in a satisfactory manner

WOW...That's very interesting. I always wondered why I lost so much weight unintentionally after a similar situation when I was 17, but this makes sense. But since I loved being big, it was my defense mechanism to be thin instead of fat...hmm. Yes--your situation makes sense to me in a very logical way. I've been taught to think of the unconscious mind as being "child-like" (which to me is a compliment as opposed to "childish". Like a child, the unconscious mind tends to think in very "concrete" ways as opposed to "abstract" ones. This sometimes leads to situations where if "you" were "in charge," you'd do something differently from what your unconscious does. From your "adult" ego standpoint, what your unconscious does seems "odd." For example, there are several cases I know of patients who will lose weight until they are almost hitting their "goal weight" and then completely binge and gain all the weight back. When you talk to them, you discover that when they were at that weight in their past, something terrible happened to them--they were raped--were attacked--were sent to a mental institution. On an unconscious level, they learned to associate being at that size with being hurt/crazy. As an "adult" you can see these two things ("bad experience" and "certain size" are not necessarily connected to one another, but your unconscious doesn't like to take chances lol. I celebrate that you are now able to be the person you want to be.