I really enjoyed something I read in one of your earlier posts. Not only that, but you're never too old or "experienced" to learn something new. I found a total gem here: "the meaning of your communication is the response that you receive". Although that doesn't apply universally in every communication, it certainly helps explain why we sometimes feel like we aren't -- or can't be -- understood, particularly in social or intimate situations. I intend to put that one to really good use, Professor Fatology, thank you!
I thank you for your kind remarks. My training/practice is in "Brief Systemic Intervention" which means I tend to work with couples/families rather than individuals and will see them on the average of 8-10 times. That means I need to focus on doing work quickly and also teaching them how to behave differently while not depending on me. One of the major needs is to step away from "blame and shame" and to deal more directly with how people are interacting.
People often get "stuck" in specific patterns. Many of these patterns were taught in their families. But if you grew up in a different family, you might have different patterns. For example, in some families/cultures, you are taught to never ask for something directly. In other families/cultures, if you are asked for something indirectly, you are raised that you really weren't asked for anything at all.
This then begins a dance of one person feeling they are clearly communicating a need and getting angry at the other person for "ignoring" the indirect request. If I had a dollar for every time I've heard this with people trying to figure out a gaining relationship, I could retire. ("I tell him how sexy he'd be with another 30 pounds, and he ignores me!")
People often get "stuck" in specific patterns. Many of these patterns were taught in their families. But if you grew up in a different family, you might have different patterns. For example, in some families/cultures, you are taught to never ask for something directly. In other families/cultures, if you are asked for something indirectly, you are raised that you really weren't asked for anything at all.
This then begins a dance of one person feeling they are clearly communicating a need and getting angry at the other person for "ignoring" the indirect request. If I had a dollar for every time I've heard this with people trying to figure out a gaining relationship, I could retire. ("I tell him how sexy he'd be with another 30 pounds, and he ignores me!")
If you do "blame and shame" then the "hinting" partner feels the boyfriend is insensitive and cold, and if the other one does "blame and shame" then the "hinting" partner is slammed for not communicating what he "really wants." This is a case where "the meaning of your communication is the response you receive" becomes helpful as you explore what it is you really want to convey. It's also a very useful skill--to have the insight--"Hey, if I'm not getting the response I want--I ALWAYS have the power to change my own behavior." If I've given you what I intend as a compliment--and you don't receive it as such--I have learned how NOT to compliment you, but I haven't yet learned how to actually compliment you. I need to try out a different way of doing so.
On a personal disclosure level...in my adolescence, I had a number of very negative experiences of men attempting to force themselves on me sexually. As a result, I was always conscious of never trying to be too aggressive within a relationship. It took me some time to realize—there are some individuals who really WANT to be dominated, or treated in a more aggressive fashion.
All of the above relate to how often human beings tend to “mind read” their partners. (“I feel X so therefore, he must also feel X.”)—and we often fail to “mind read” very accurately. In the gaining community, I so frequently see “Oh, I can’t tell him I have this kink because he will think I’m bad/crazy/sick/stupid.” That’s mind-reading…the person has already decided how the partner or potential partner will act.
Here’s another “gem”—“If you don’t ask…the answer is always no.”
On a personal disclosure level...in my adolescence, I had a number of very negative experiences of men attempting to force themselves on me sexually. As a result, I was always conscious of never trying to be too aggressive within a relationship. It took me some time to realize—there are some individuals who really WANT to be dominated, or treated in a more aggressive fashion.
All of the above relate to how often human beings tend to “mind read” their partners. (“I feel X so therefore, he must also feel X.”)—and we often fail to “mind read” very accurately. In the gaining community, I so frequently see “Oh, I can’t tell him I have this kink because he will think I’m bad/crazy/sick/stupid.” That’s mind-reading…the person has already decided how the partner or potential partner will act.
Here’s another “gem”—“If you don’t ask…the answer is always no.”
No comments:
Post a Comment