What If My Spouse Doesn't Like My Gaining?

So after reading a bunch of posts and participating in a gender preference survey somewhere on a belly site, it seems like straight guys are in the minority here.

I'm one of them -- also married -- and I wonder how other guys' wives took the gaining thing and how they're dealing with that. I'd also be interested in hearing from gay men whose partners are pushing back against the gain...my hunch is that every guy has to deal with more or less the same set of issues regardless of their partner's gender (although I'm thinking women might be less tolerant than men would be -- that's a complete and possibly incorrect guess, though).

I was in good shape when we got married, and I was in even better shape until I started packing on the pounds very recently (and VERY quickly). So there have no been no major conflicts yet...just wondering how you guys dealt with the uncooperative partner thing since I expect to start getting some grief about the increased food consumption and weight gain very soon. I have no interest in disguising or hiding it, but I also question the wisdom of coming right out and telling her what's going on...not a great idea, imo.

Thoughts/suggestions?

I'm a little confused--and I'm a Family Therapist specializing in couples, lol. Are you asking specifically what to do if your wife expresses she doesn't find your (relatively recent) weight gain meets her approval, and if you continue to balloon, it will upset her more?

If so--here's my response based on working with couples over the years, but recall I would normally see couples because they are unhappy enough about some aspect of their lives to seek change.

A) Many couples try "mind-reading" and almost all of them are bad at it. For example, you state you are concerned she might be unhappy, but you also say she hasn't brought up the topic. Since I can't read her mind at a distance, and I've never met her--I have (and frankly you have) no way of knowing how she feels about having more of you to love. Look at her extended family. If there are various fatties in her extended family, your gaining weight may simply seem normal to her.

B) You also don't mention your ages and how long you've been married. Again, at least in the U.S. and a growing (pun intended) number of other countries, obesity is becoming a norm. Look around at the friends you and your wife socialize with--have any of them gained weight since you've known them? If so, again--gaining weight may just be normal from her perspective.

C) There are some cultural groups where a husband gaining weight communicates to the community he's happily married (and stereotypical) she's a good cook, so an increased waist line is a compliment to her and to you as a (stereotypical) provider. If she does most of the cooking, praise her and tell her how great she is and ask for another helping.

D) In my experience, when a partner gains weight in some long term relationships, the concern expressed by the non-gaining partner is usually less around "you're getting fat and that disgusts me" and is rather addressed to "I love you and I'm worried you might damage your health by getting this chubby." Those are two HUGELY (pun intended) different issues. If it's around health, then if you've been a long term member of gaining sites, you can find it's quite possible to be both fat and healthy, particularly if you keep up some form of cardio. Join a gym and make a big deal out of it to her about how you want to stay healthy--hell, invite her to join you. Just do it with the idea that this is not intended for you to lose fat, if you want to get bigger, but to give her the message you are aware of your health and want to stick around as long as possible with her as your loving marriage endures.

And finally--don't just make this a "you" focused issue--teach her how to have fun with food--even if she has no interest in gaining herself. One couples exercise I think I've shared on this site before to increase intimacy is "sensual feeding." Tell your wife you heard a psychologist talk about increased intimacy in couples who do sensual feedings. The basics--assemble various food items with different textures and tastes--potato chips, chocolate pudding, a slice of apple--and also objects with different textures--a silk scarf, a feather duster, a strip of fur---Have her lie down on your bed nude and blindfolded. Very lovingly and gently give her a taste of one of the food items and ask her to use all of her heightened senses (since she's blindfolded) to both identify what she's tasting and really focus on it. As she's doing this, use the various textured items to trace across her body (parts). If you do this correctly it's extremely sensual and can lead to hot sex. Then (assuming this goes really well) ask her to do the same to you (at another time, so she can gather her own items to treat you). This starts to link feeding with sex, which can be a very powerful bond, and it also allows her permission to really get to know your increasingly sensuality that has resulted from your gain. See--if she's trying to "mind read" you and wonders if you're ashamed of your gain, then she might hesitate to touch/jiggle/enjoy your expanding flesh. This exercise lets her explore you in a new way. By all means, give her lots of verbal feedback of how much you're enjoying what she's doing and how good it feels. One of my favorite comments from a married straight gainer--is when he told her "My belly is an erogenous zone--and it's only going to get bigger." Another hint--a very high quality chocolate truffle melts at normal body temperature. That means if you bite into one you can then take the other half and smear it on a body part and then lick/suck it off. On a personal disclosure level, when I've done this I will also take the other half of the truffle in my mouth and use my tongue to push it into my partner's mouth.

And finally, finally, I don't know if it's really useful to tell her directly "Gaining is a kind of kink for me that I really enjoy, which is why I've been getting fat recently, and I've enjoyed it so much I'm gonna get a lot fatter." There are consensual "kinks"--say being tied up--where both partners need to be clear about what's going on. But this is about your body and your choice--she doesn't need to know there may be an erotic charge to what you're doing (some partners feel threatened by that--again a mind read of "if you need this kink it means you find me inferior and unable to meet your needs." Also--joke about gaining weight (and make sure you do it when you're around your friends and she can hear) and how much you're enjoying it, so she gets the clear message you're not upset about your chubby self, but that you're enjoying yourself.

Good luck!

Wow! Thanks a million for the thorough and thoughtful reply, Professor Fatology-

Excellent points. All of them. Without getting too "in the weeds", I was 23 when we got married 20+ years ago. There are weight issues on her side of the family...in fact, she's a little overweight herself. The thing is that she always had some extra weight, and I married her that way. On the flip side, she married me as a fairly fit guy....so there's an element of concern there about a dramatic or sudden change in appearance.

But you're 100% right...I'm not only trying to read her mind, I'm also trying to predict the future. It's quite possible that she'll welcome the change since it "levels the playing field" a little in terms of fitness levels. In any event, there's a very good chance that I'm creating a problem where there isn't and will never be one...just trying to think through responses as I doubt the gain can continue much longer before the comments (positive or negative) begin.

That said, I like the sensual feeding suggestion. A lot. Also pretty impressed with the belly-as-an-erongenous-zone comment from your married gainer friend. I could see that kind of approach working here. Joking about it publicly and making her aware that I'm genuinely enjoying it is also a brilliant idea that I'll definitely use when the opportunity presents itself. Great stuff....

Thanks again for the excellent insight and advice...very much appreciated!

******

Happy to help--and frankly, after 20 or so years, if you hadn't gained, I would worry about you being a little too obsessed about your own body. After responding, I've been thinking about other issues--

I mentioned to you in discussing your gain in front of friends and making sure she overhears. One of the things I hear a lot in the straight community is a sort of "monkey see, monkey do" primate response--After a couple of drinks, one guy pulls up his shirt and shows how much his belly has grown and then the other guys do the same and laugh and compare guts. If this is a situation that's an option, I find it also very helpful if in the process you tell your friends, "Yeah, look how much I've put on because my wife is such a good cook." In other words, in front of her and your mutual friends, you give her a compliment. Not long ago, the SigO invited over (unexpectedly I might add) a number of work friends (all straight and a mix of men and women/couples). Fortunately I had baked a nice pumpkin chocolate chip and pecan loaf I sliced up on a plate, and he said, "You see why I'm so fat? It's because he's such a good cook."

For a lot of guys--straight or otherwise, there's often this sense of "I was just calmly watching TV and my honey made me fat." As a psychologist, I understand this to be a self-defense mechanism of "I have no blame about pudging out--it's all my partner's fault." If this helps the partner accept his expanding waistline and keeps expanding--hey--I'm not going to object.

The other thing I was thinking about was the idea of starting a separate thread on clever/funny things a guy can bring up when he's talking to other guys regarding weight gain. I mentioned it would be helpful for you to joke about your belly in front of your mutual friends while she can overhear the comments.

For example, a number of years ago I was in Michigan working with an Indian reservation and a guy I hadn't seen in a couple of years had gotten married and developed an impressive ballgut. If you're not American Indian, this won't work for you, but I found it really funny--he said--while patting his gut, "Well, you know when the White men arrived here, they always told us, build something to protect what you value, so I now have something to protect the family jewels." One of my older brothers used to pat his sizable belly and say, "It took a lot of money to get it this big."

I'd love to hear what funny comments gainers have when they joke about their expansion.

As a therapist, one of my mentors was a woman named Virginia Satir. As an exercise, she would have someone push against her hand. As long as they both pushed, they stayed in the same place. When she made that point, she would then stop pushing and the other person would almost fall over. The idea was--when you stop resisting, you change the dynamic. One of the best examples of this was the "classic" Roseanne tv show,where she had a common comic theme, when if another character would "push" against her, rather than "fighting" (pushing back) she would not resist at all and instead, for comic effect, not only agree with what the other person was saying, but exaggerate the comment. If her TV daughter said, "You don't love me," rather than give examples of how much love she had for the daughter, she would say, "Yeah, you're right--I've called the gypsies to stop by and pick you up tonight and take you away."

In your case, if at Thanksgivings (assuming you're in the U.S., since Canada has already done theirs) you gather with your family and folks go, "Wow--you've really packed on the pounds," rather than getting defensive, you smile, pat your belly and go, "thanks for noticing--I've been working on this for months! By Christmas I figure I can play Santa Claus without any padding!" Or, "Yep--I'm trying to get big enough where I can belly bump anyone in the family and win." The whole point is--publicly acknowledge the gain in a positive and humorous way and if there's any sort of negative comment, don't get defensive, but laugh at the person making the comment and switch the conversation to how much you're enjoying being "large and in charge," and at all times, compliment your wife and how she now has more to love and she's such a great cook how could anyone stay skinny married to her? You can also comment on how being bigger makes you feel a lot more manly and self confident. You can say out loud (again, so she can overhear) you spent years trying to have the waistline of a magazine model and now that you're older and wiser, you've discovered a second slice of pie is a hell of a lot more enjoyable than a 32 inch waist.

Another thing I thought about after originally responding...and again, remember I'm speaking as a member of a clinic where we were seeing folks seeking therapy---if a member of a couple was trying to lose weight when there was no medical push to do so--it almost always meant he or she was planning on having an affair. In other words, another comment you can make where she can overhear it--"I love my wife and she loves me...I finally realized I don't have to have the body of a 20 year old anymore because God knows, I'm not trying to pick up some chick in a bar. I'm happily married and I just want to kick back, and enjoy my life and my wife, and if that means I have to buy a larger pair of jeans, then hand me another slice of pizza and a few more beers."

When 9/11 happened, I advised gainers worried about the response of others to say, "You know, 9/11 was a real eye opener to me in terms of the fact none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow--it taught me to really value and treasure every day as it comes. I wasted a lot of time trying to look like a model in a magazine and spent years denying myself things I enjoy. I'm tired of doing that. I want to suck the juice out of life while I can. And if that means I get a belly, I'd rather have a belly and really enjoy my life, even if I don't look like a magazine model. And you know what? I'm not a magazine model, and I was never meant to be one. I'd rather be fat and happy."

*********

Professor Fatology, man, you're a genius! Perfectly framed out response and ideas.

For what it's worth, I think the concept of a thread on weight gain comments and replies is a great, great idea. Strikes me as a HUGE motivator for guys who are reticent about gaining based on feedback from family, friends, coworkers, etc. (and it can be pretty hot, too ). Sadly, I can only fantasize about how those types of exchanges might play out in real life, but happy to pitch in as those situations surface...

Thanks again for your help. Excellent advice!

Thanks For The Body Electric Suggestion--Can We Talk More?

Hello, again.

I read your response to me on professorfatology several days ago.  You provided me with much to think about.  I am very touched and grateful to you for your words.  I never expected the depth of support and commentary that you provided.  You are a very generous person.  I thank you for your thoughts, direction and basic common sense.  I appreciate your straigtforwardness.

You are right.  I have to stop past behavior if I really desire change, of celebrating who I really am and want to be.  I have did review The Body Electric.  WOW!  I had no idea such an experience/workshop is available.  I'm in Ann Arbor so Chicago is not far away at all.  I will be attending that at their next offer.  I have also given me permission to put on a few pounds too and that's kinda neat.

But, all in all, I would very much appreciate some direct conversation with you if you are open and available to that.  Certainly, for pay!  I would want to explore at greater depth how to find my gayness and be happy.  When you are able, please respond as you see fit with this request.

Thanks a heap, professor.
An emerging gay guy,
P


******

Oh, sweetie--I am so not in this for the money, lol.


Here's the exchange I offer--again, for legal and ethical purposes, anything I offer on this site is from the position of education--not therapy.  What I offer may be "therapeutic" but not therapy.


I am relatively far away from where you are.  When I was teaching at the medical school and working in the clinic, I would always have a co-therapist I was supervising, so if I were out of town and a client was in crisis, I knew he or she would be taken care of by the co-therapist.  I don't do long distant sessions because I can't always be available.


Why don't I suggest this, since you are not being identified by your name--why don't you use this as a forum where you can ask me whatever you want and I'll try to respond based on my experience.  This also allows others who read this blog an opportunity to both gain a better understanding of what sort of similar challenges other guys face, so they don't feel "alone" in the world.  The observations and suggestions I offer you may be helpful for them as well.

If that's acceptable to you, then feel free to share.  This format will permit you to really think about your responses.  And just as a comment to general readers--often in actual therapy sessions I would tend to avoid telling some things "directly"--a lot of time it's more powerful and useful for people to gain their own insight, rather than simply being told, "This is the way things are."  In blogs like this one, I'm much more likely to treat things like a lecture for a psychology class.  This will allow me to reveal some of the "mechanics" of how folks process information, and make sense of things.  I like to do this because I think it helps someone to become as independent as possible, and not expect a therapist to be someone who "fixes" a client, the way a surgeon might do something with a scapel that a patient can't do for himself.  A lot of psychological "stuff" is precisely what someone can do for himself, and as time goes on, he or she can even share some of those approaches and techniques with others.   Just be sure you don't use the actual names of people you discuss, to protect their privacy.

So--feel free to write.  I'm delighted the Body Electric workshops are an option for you.  It's really sad American culture rarely provides the support and training humans actually need regarding their sensuality and sexuality.  It's as if you were never given an "owner's manual" of how to use your body most effectively.  A quick example--your nipples are made of the same type of erectile tissue as your penis.  This is why nipples can "get hard" under stimulation.  A number of guys find nipple play to be highly erotic--you can actually conceptualize them as two additional (although small) penises.  There are some individuals who don't have nipples that are very sensitive, but it may be possible a more "intense" stimulation may trigger an erotic response--for example a partner's chin stubble rubbed against your nipples might be what you need.  This is another reason why I feel the Body Electric workshops are exactly what a lot of guys should experience.


Best,


Professor F

I Like Being Fat But Most People Don't Like That

Hi.
I've been reading your blog for some time now, and decided to send you a question I have.

I've been fat all my life, ever since kindergarden. Up until around 16 years I was only overweight, but recently I've gotten well into obese. This is mostly fine by me since I like fat and have considered gaining many times. I'm 170 cm high and weights 98 kg, BMI 39.
Getting fatter is very tempting, but the health risks concern me, most the mobility issues I'll get, steep hills are already getting me out of breath and my running is poor.

another concern is my mom- I'm 19 and live with my parents because I can't affort my own place and my mom is constantly nagging on me about my weight trying to make me loose it. And I kind of want that to. I've never been slim and fit and maybe I should try that to before gaining seriously. Being fit with toned abs and a nice chest will make it easier to get a boyfriend. Most boys my age are slim and toned and I feel like I can't ask them out and such because I'm fat, and most people don't like that.

And last, I'm not really comfortable with my body. I feel like I'm not really fat, so i feel trapped between fit and fat, not knowing where to go.

I realise this isn't exactly a question, I would just like some general advice over what I just described.
*****

Hmm...the most important thing to me is that you are in "charge" of your own body, and if you gain or lose, you do that as your own decision, rather than trying to please your mother, your boyfriend, priest, rabbi, etc.  Always remember that.  Your body--your rules.


My thoughts (rather than my advice)? You''ve expressed you're not really comfortable with your body.  Frankly, in this culture, very few 19 year olds are happy with their bodies--and it doesn't always really have to do completely with body fat percentage or the amount of muscle they have--it's a whole combination of no longer being a child, not really being a full adult, financial challenges, and a combination of curiosity and fear about the future (including getting a boyfriend).  That's a very big mix, and it gets expressed most easily by focusing on something really concrete and immediate in your presence--which usually means your body.

Since you mentioned you've never been lean in your life, what the hell--why not try to find out what lean feels like.  Your mother will be happy, which should never be the reason you do it, but that would be a sort of "fringe benefit." And who knows, you may find you enjoy having a BMI of say, 20, more than you do having one of 39.  That can certainly happen.  And if you discover you don't enjoy being lean and all the effort it can take to achieve and maintain being lean--it's really easy to regain weight once you've originally packed it on.  This is true for muscle tissue as well--once you've built up muscles, and then stop exercising and lose muscle tissue, you can regain it through exercise much more quickly than someone who had never built up muscle before.  In the fitness world, they call this "muscle memory."  When you've always been chubby, you established the number of fat cells in your body during your childhood.  If you were to lose weight now, your fat cells would not disappear, but they would "deflate." That means if you then start overeating, your fat cells would start to "fill up" again.  The bottom line--a former fatty can plump up very quickly.  So---you're in a bit of a "win/win" situation--lose weight and you get to find out what that experience is like, and if you're not happy, blow back up.

Here's another suggestion--go to www.fit2fat2fit.com - this is the site for a personal fitness trainer who has always been athletic with a lot of muscles and a 6pack set of abs.  He has worked with a lot of fat clients and felt frustrated.  He had the attitude--to get a person to lose weight, all you had to do was give them instructions, tell them they would be healthier, and then the pounds would melt off of them.  Frankly, human beings don't tend to work this way.  So he decided he would deliberately gain 50-60 pounds over six months to discover what it is like to be overweight, and then spend the next 6 months losing the new weight to get back to his ripped "fit" self.  In the first 4 months, he gained about 60 pounds, and he has nearly two more months to go, and at the rate he's gaining, he'll end up at least 70 pounds over his starting weight.  His success at getting fat has surprised him.  But now having 50 inch hips has taught him a great deal about not feeling motivation to get up and do stuff, or in his words, "sometimes I feel too lazy to get up and get a bowl of cereal even though I'm hungry."  He feels out of breath when he walks upstairs.  He wanted to fix something on his roof, and planned to climb out of the window and then found out he's now too fat to lift his leg high enough to make it out the window.  

I would suggest you start to follow his progress, and in about another 2 months--when he starts back on his return journey to be "fit," follow his instructions and advice and do what he does, so you start losing weight and becoming more lean yourself.  He really believes food--not just exercise-- has a major impact.  He's spent the last 4 months eating things he's always avoided--like fast food, highly processed items, and things with a lot of sugar.  You can also contact him directly with questions in terms of trying to follow him to fitness. His website lets you send him messages.


My other suggestion-do what he is doing in terms of documenting your changes.  Take a series of photographs, or do short videos where you weigh yourself and measure your chest, waist, hips, and arms.  If you lose weight and then decide you want to regain, you'll always have a record of what it was like for you to be thinner.  If you decide you love being lean, you'll have a series of photos or videos that show what you looked like with a BMI of 39, so you'll always remember what it was like to be that size.  The other advantage of documenting your changes is what the trainer has learned--knowing you'll take measurements and photos/vids every Saturday means if you feel like slacking off, you tell yourself, "But I've got to take pictures of myself in two days.  I better go ahead and do that last set of exercises, " or, "I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow--I'm going to pass on that second slice of pizza, so I know I won't have gained weight, instead of losing."

And here's my advice (as opposed to my opinion).  Having a BMI of 20 or 40 won't automatically guarantee you "instant boyfriend."  This is the hardest thing for a lot of guys to get into their heads---YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE AN AUDIENCE, no matter what your waist size is.  It just may not be the same audience.  There will always be some guys who prefer a thin guy, and some who prefer a fat guy. The crazy making part (in my experience) involves the ones who whine, "Oh, I want to be fat, but I only want to get fat in a relationship."  They work hard, get a set of 6 pack abs, and attract a boyfriend who finds a 6 pack abs sexy.  Then the wannabe gainer lets out a big sigh of relief and buries his abs in soft flab.  Which grosses out the new boyfriend who doesn't find flab attractive, and then dumps the new fatty.  The dumped fatty then goes "boo hoo hoo," and goes through a strict diet with a lot of exercise to get back down to less than 10% body fat percentage, and attracts another boyfriend who finds 6 pack abs sexy, and the cycle starts up again.  Think about your body as bait.  If you want to end up with a boyfriend who likes you chubby, having 6 pack abs is really the wrong "bait" to attract him.  As someone who wants to be with a chub, I'm not going to invest my time with someone who looks as if he spends hours in the gym and never has dressing on his salad because that would make him "fat."  Whenever you step outside, your body is broadcasting a message.  Less than 10% bodyfat percentage is giving the message "I restrict myself and invest a great deal of time exercising to look like this." Walking outside with nearly 40 BMI is giving the message "I enjoy life and food and I don't spend a lot of time saying 'no' when it comes to the last piece of pie."

What troubles me most is your statement, "Most boys my age are slim and toned and I feel like I can't ask them out and such because I'm fat, and most people don't like that."  Please...go to bellybuilders.com, beefyfrat.com grommr.com, fantasyfeeder.com, or getasnack.blogspot.com.  Believe me, there are boys your age around the world who find fat sexy.  But as someone who would rather be with a bigger guy, I'm in a difficult situation when I see someone who looks attractive other than the fact he's too thin for my tastes.  I can't mind read.  I can't look at him and think, "Oh, he's just waiting for an encourager/feeder to bury those ugly abs in some nice soft flab."  If he's someone who looks as if he lives in a gym and never eats a cookie, my going up to him and saying, "you look good, but you'd look really great if you had a pot belly," might just scare him and he'll run back to the gym.  Is someone like me going to first approach someone I don't know who  is "ok" with being a sexy chub, or someone who looks as if being fat would scare him?  To be honest, I've had a lot of experience being attracted to guys with a fun personality and a lot of brains, but who are not fat.  During our relationship many of them have gained weight, but then aren't happy with their new pounds.  If I touch their new bellies they go, "Oh, don't touch me there--it makes me feel fat."  I can't think of more of a turn off in a relationship.  You've told me I like fat and have considered gaining many times. There are "slim and toned" guys who feel the same way, but you have no way of knowing who they are as opposed to the ones who want to remain "slim and toned"--unless you work up the courage to talk to them.

And frankly, based on literally years of corresponding with young guys who frequent gainer sites, a lot of them were "slim and toned" at your age but hated it, and felt they had to please their parents by staying "slim and toned" while they wanted to be tubby.  Some of them are "fit and toned" but after their first year away at college they've not only packed on the "freshman 15" but maybe the "freshman 30" or more.  Some are slim because they've just gone through a "growth spurt" and are finally at their full adult height and are now ready to add some sideways size.  Here's the reality--go back to those same "slim and toned" guys you see right now in another couple of years and you're likely to see they aren't so toned and slim any longer.

If you feel you're unattractive, then you broadcast a non-verbal message you're not happy with yourself.  Trust me, that's like wearing "stink" cologne.  It has nothing to do with your BMI.  If you're happy with yourself, you send out a non-verbal message that's very attractive no matter what your waist size may be. If I'm a potential boyfriend, do I want to talk to a stranger who looks unhappy about himself, or someone who seems self-confident and a lot of fun?  If you're convinced I feel like I can't ask them out and such because I'm fat, and most people don't like that, then you've eliminated talking to guys who may want a chubby boyfriend, or would enjoy mutual gaining.  Trust me, a lot of guys are shy about going up to a sexy fat guy because they may have the experience of doing so before and ending up with a self-hating chub who thinks someone who wants a fat partner is crazy. There are people who deliberately gain because they enjoy being bigger.  There are people who are naturally fat and enjoy it.  But there are also guys who have gained weight who hate their softer bodies and will never understand potential boyfriends who like them that way, and will think a fat admirer is some sort of freak.

If you limit yourself to avoiding making contact with potential boyfriends because you think they only want someone "slim and toned," then you've automatically eliminated the guys who either really want a chubby boyfriend, as well as those for whom a belly is not an issue, but are just focused on someone with a sense of humor and a good personality.  That would be a loss not only for you, but for some really great guys who are out there.


And finally--I feel a responsibility to address your concern Getting fatter is very tempting, but the health risks concern me, most the mobility issues I'll get.  I have a friend of mine who finally "took the plunge" of gaining after a lifetime of wanting a belly.  He's gone from 185 to around 260--and is the happiest he's ever been.  He goes to the gym on a regular basis and does a lot of cardio.  Being fat doesn't mean you can't also be fit.  I mentioned the personal trainer who has porked up with over 60 pounds in four months, who says he now gets winded going upstairs. Part of his experience of going from "fit to fat to fit" has been cutting out all of his exercise.  If he had kept up his workouts and cardio, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't feel out of breath going upstairs even now that he's gotten a gut..  

There are many guys who are aware of this, and keep healthy by working out and having a balanced diet while packing on the pounds.  Not long ago Kelly Gneiting, a 400 pound, former sumo wrestler, ran a marathon in Los Angeles. Can being fat restrict your mobility?  Absolutely--especially if all you do is watch tv and play video games while you pile on the pounds by eating junk food.  But if you combine cardio with regular exercise, you can keep very active and stay healthy while enjoying nutritious  food.  You really can be fat and fit.

My Family Wants Me "Normal" and Not A Fatty!

Well, first of all, you have a wonderful blog and i learn many things with your blog.

I´m 17 and i am a gainer. I live at home with my family. 7 moths ago, i weighted 220 lbs and my mother said me that i was overweight and she puts me on a diet. I´m from spain where the ``normal person´´ have to be slim. Now, I weight 198 lbs and i cant eat for gain weight because i dont have many money. What can I do?

Thanks for see my answer.

Fattyspanish

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Well, Fattyspanish,

We have a saying over here in the States--"Bummer, Dude."  Roughly translated, this means, "You are not in a good spot."  You are in the situation a lot of teenage gay youth (and I have no idea if you're gay--you didn't say, and it doesn't matter--I'm using gay as an example) are in.  You know what you want for yourself, but your family is not supportive of your fulfillment.  And again, this isn't unique to gay kids.  Long and long ago, I was forced to take a year of ballet classes when I was in graduate school.  In ballet, it is very common for a male dancer to "lift" a female dancer--a classic ballet movement.  The Chair of the Dance Department (who also sometimes worked with me as a co-therapist at our clinic, which is how she forced me into ballet classes after discovering I was a traditional American Indian dancer) at one point, told all the male students to pair up with each other.  "In order to fully understand how to lift a female partner, you need to discover what it feels like yourself."  I was paired with a Chinese-American student, who was an excellent dancer.  I, on the other hand, was a dancer, but hardly excellent.  To lift, one dancer leaps up with the other dancer's hands on his/her waist/hips.  At the precise moment of the leap up, the "lifter" pushes up.  It was one of the most amazing experiences I've had.  It felt like I was flying.  Your own body is used to a lifetime of your limitations--if you jump, you only jump so high.  But when you jump to your normal limit, and someone is simultaneously pushing you up--it's like a turbo-charge.  Your brain can't make sense of doing what you've done before, but this time, getting an entirely different--and incredibly powerful result..We took turns doing this with each other.  When we were changing back into our street clothes I talked to him about how much talent he had as a dancer.  He told me dance was one of the most important things in his life--but his family felt it was useless and frivolous--he was expected to be a successful pharmacist. This short time of his life--was the only time he could fulfill his desires as a dancer.  Then he had to walk--not dance--forward into his responsibilities established by his family.

In the United States, we're seeing gay and lesbian (and transgendered) kids coming out at an earlier and earlier age--some of the more recent research shows the average is around 15 years of age.  Unfortunately, this is directly connected at the number of young people who are thrown out of their families when they "come out" and the young people literally end up on the street. In studies done in Los Angeles and Seattle, a significant number of homeless youth are homeless for this reason.

Wanting to deliberately gain weight and to become a "true fatty" can be in this same category.  If you don't have the financial independence to provide for yourself (and many 17 year olds do not) the cold, hard, harsh fact is--you need the shelter, protection, and food your family provides you.

It's my understanding a number of European cultures historically reflect this relationship--many young adults often live at home until they marry--and then they are allowed to have their own household--as I recall, Ireland is one of the countries where the delay in moving out into one's own place, as opposed to living at home--is the most extreme.  The challenge is when the parents continue to "make the rules" as long as you're living at home, whether you are 15 or 25.

Until you can achieve a level of financial independence, you're pretty much limited in your options of what helps you survive in your family.  You're also (sorry) facing a very cold, harsh economic reality where Spain is suffering major economic problems, which additionally limits your options.

I would suggest you do your best to find part time work in the food services industry. Even in a bad economy, people need to eat.  But do take the attitude you're not doing this to find your career (although, you actually might).  Your chances of being hired part-time at low pay (and trust me, most teenagers get low pay) are much better than say, an experienced 35 year old who is looking for full time work at a higher salary.  One of the "perks" of working at a restaurant or fast food place is the establishment usually allows you free food while you're working, or lets you take home food that's "left over" when the place is ready to close.  Getting a job of this sort both gives you some extra money (that you can spend on fattening food--or larger clothes) as well as free food.  You get to justify it with your family by explaining this is going to make your more "responsible" in learning to take care of yourself, and to provide you "spending money" for personal needs, where you don't have to keep asking your family to buy you what you want. These are normally "selling points" that immediately win over parents.

You're getting close to college age, and if college is an option for you, it can be a tremendous opportunity for you to separate from your family and gain weight while away.  If the family freaks when you come back home at your old 200plus pounds, well, you're just home for the holidays and you'll be back at the college dining hall in a few weeks.

I've also given the suggestion to young people--go to the library and check out books on bodybuilding.  You don't have to read them.  Go into really boring detail about how complicated it is to build muscle--that in addition to exercise, you need a diet high in protein.  Parents who are worried about their children being fat love to hear the word "diet."   Explain in boring detail how to build muscle tissue you need to have a lot more protein (which means--you need to eat a lot) in your diet.  Talk about the idea of "bulking" where you have to get larger as part of the "cycle" and then you go into regular cycles of "cutting" where you lose body fat, but also muscle tissue in order to "get cut" and look more like a bodybuilder.  Then you go into another cycle of "bulking."  The trick, of course, is to always stay in the bulking cycle.  If you have access to a gym, you can actually do this "for real," where you can add muscle as well as fat, a combination many people find attractive.

Depending on whether or not you or your family does your laundry--if you do indeed get a part time job, you can use some of the money to buy larger size clothes that look exactly like the ones you already have.  Then you pull up your shirt and put your fingers between your belly and your pants and go, "See how much weight I've lost?  My clothes no longer fit."  (Ok, this isn't exactly honest, but I want you to know the range of your options, given the fact you're not in the best place in your life for gaining.)

But the sad fact is--becoming the size you want to be may be delayed while you're living at home and financially depending on your family.  I don't know how available it is in Spain, but here's another suggestion I've given to young guys still living at home--peanut butter, bread, and honey don't require refrigeration.  This means if you have privacy in your bedroom, you can keep these 3 relatively inexpensive items hidden away.  You can make peanut butter and honey sandwiches for yourself before you go to bed.  This combination--of sugar, protein, and carbs, really helps pack on the pounds.

But the bottom line---to be the true Spanishfatty you want to be--you eventually need to be in charge of your own living space to be in charge of your own life and waist size.   

Does Evolution Have Anything To Do With Gaining?

I was reading over your professor fatology blog

I thought this may be a point of discussion on your blog-

I've found weight gain on a male partner to be very erotic. Or just very chubby guys who aren't gaining.. While I've never been in a relationship as a feeder or encourager, I currently date a very sexy 375 pound guy and I love to take him out to eat. I find his eating to be very sexy and love to treat him to anything he desires .. In fact I feel I would put a lot of effort into it if he was unable to get enough to eat and he wanted more.. What I'm wondering if there is some rhyme or reason to this as a survival tactic before food was plentiful? Primarily heterosexual couples where the man would ravish food on his mate and get pleasure in seeing her fill out? The sexual component could help the man work a bit harder to bring home food. In times of shortages he would hate to see his mate lose weight and would work hard to feed her well. This could be just one more little way for them to get ahead in the scope of their environment.

Food has not been reliably plentiful for nearly all the populations of the world currently and historically. Our genetics are based on this.

I'm inclined to think things are the way they are for a reason. I think gay people also exist for an evolutionary reasons but I don't know at this time the extent of them.

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Well, this is fun--I get to move from a question from someone who needed to look at 50 years or so of his personal history to looking at hundreds of generations of fattening folks.  Hey--no problem.

First, let me just mention evolutionary biologists (who coined the term "selfish gene") have looked at the concept--"in what way does behavior "x" further the intent of evolution?"  The intent of evolution by the way-- is the idea that the business of life is life.  Evolution functions on the effectiveness of life continuing. Just so, behavior "x" makes an organism more successful in surviving.  At first glance, this means figuring out how a specific behavior/gene results in the most surviving offspring, who then "pass on" the behavior/gene to other generations, so success  is based on reproduction.  The fact same-sex activity is something we see across the animal kingdom (so in other words, it's not a "learned" behavior, where such  a behavior is taught), the conclusion is--same-sex behavior must have some sort of evolutionary advantage, or it would have been extinguished long ago.  If you look at the idea of the genes themselves, if you have a brother or sister, and you don't reproduce, but your sibling does--then a share of your genes gets passed on.  Tah-dah! Evolutionary success.  Because humans are essentially social "animals," if you as a gay man are a simply terrific uncle--where you not only provide for your nieces and nephews, but also help raise them so they survive into an age where they can reproduce--then you're being gay can be a wonderful advantage in terms of your "lineage" surviving.  Even if the kid's mother or father is killed or dies (a frequent experience for early humanity) you're still around to make sure they survive.  And you're not distracted by having to deal with your own children.  So--if you back off a bit, it makes sense a "gay" gene gives an evolutionary advantage for the extended family, even if there's no one-to-one advantage in terms of your personal reproduction.  Just so, you share about 50% of your genetic make up with your sibling, unless you're identical twins, in which case the genetic percentage is about 100%. So--even if you don't biologically father children, your sibling's children are carrying at least 25% of your genetic heritage, so in the long run, homosexuality is an advantage, in evolutionary terms.

And you are indeed correct, that in the "big picture" humanity, particularly in early times (or currently in parts of the world) has often gone hungry.  Yesterday I was attending a Native American Health Conference, and one of the presenters shared her research.  She talked about a Native community where most of the members are overweight.  She said when she first interviewed tribal members they told her "We've always been a big people.  We have chubby babies."  Upon further interviews, the locals explained they had gone through a traumatic event 3 generations ago--when they were forced onto their reservation by the federal government. They were not permitted to hunt or fish (this was part of American federal policy--to force compliance of Native people by starvation--withholding food until they did what the government told them to do.  If you're American, this is probably not part of the history you were "officially" taught.  Let's just say the history of America in terms of its treatment of American Indians is a terrible stain on anything resembling integrity).  When the researcher asked what the people did to respond to the starvation, they explained, "We gave the food we had to our babies--even if we went hungry.  It's because the plumpest babies survived."  In other words, fattening children was a survival strategy.  And generations later, even when there was no longer starvation, the coping strategy continues.

Jumping even further back in time, some of the most interesting artifacts of history are the extremely ancient pieces  (over 20,000 years old) like the "Venus of Willendorf"--the most famous one of its type was discovered in Austria, and the small work of art shows in great detail a very fat female.  In fact, her individual features are not emphasized, but her voluptuous body and huge breasts are.

Long and long ago, I was on the Board of Directors for S.I.E.C.U.S. -the Sexuality Information Council for the United States--it provides most of the sex education curriculum for this country.  We had an anthropology professor do a presentation on her research.  With contemporary hunting and gathering societies, life is a challenge.  Food isn't always available.  As a result, community members have a low body fat percentage.  In humans, the lower the body fat percentage, the longer puberty is delayed.  The higher the body fat percentage, the sooner puberty arrives.  In the traditional hunting and gathering societies, a female with a single percentage of body fat (in the U.S., females have on the average, 20-22% body fat, so more than twice that of the females she studied) will not tend to experience puberty until her late teens, and may not be capable of reproducing until her early 20s.  Indeed, looking at contemporary female endurance athletes--for example, long distant runners--the ones with single digit body fat percentage will often have their menstrual cycles interrupted.  If a woman's body fat percentage is too low, she is simply unable to reproduce.

Just so, looking at the United States, where we have some of the fattest children in the world, it's not unusual for an American female to have her puberty kick in at the age of 10.

Stepping away from the implications of evolution, as a therapist, I would also suggest there are issues of power and dominance involved.  Men, in particular, are socialized around the idea that they are supposed to be the "providers."  Indeed, in many cultures, there's the expectation after a young couple gets married, the husband will "bring home the bacon," and the wife will cook it up. Then early on, both put on weight.  A fattening wife means her husband is successful (and it should be obvious this is a very sexist and historical model, rather than the reality of "first world nations" in the 21st century).  A fattening husband not only signals the wife is a "good cook," but that the couple is happy and compatible.  And as we know from the biology--potential parents who have more than single body fat percentages are more likely to reproduce.

But when you look at a same-sex relationship--a gay male has been socialized precisely the way his straight brother has.  Males are supposed to be the providers. I had an interesting experience when I was dating a transman.  When we went out for dinner, there was an issue of which one of us was presented by the waitperson with the bill.  Rightly or wrongly, my date felt "less masculine" when I was handed the bill.  Stepping out of the gender inequity, a waitperson would tend to hand the bill to the older individual, or with a male/female couple, would tend to give it to the male.  Indeed, sometimes it's considered a "rite of passage" for a young male (or these days, young female) to take the family out to dinner and pay for the event.

Just so, for some encouragers, there may be an element of dominance of basically "topping the top," where a male responding to another male in the subordinate (female) role makes him feel "hypermasculine."  I should emphasize here what we're socialized in this culture to conceptualize as "male/female" behavior has nothing at all to do with gender--it has to do with "power."  When you realize this, it becomes obvious what we've been taught to label as "masculine" behavior is really "dominant" behavior, and what we've been taught to think of as "feminine" behavior is really "subordinate" behavior.

Reaching back to the Venus of Wollendorf type figures, being able to keep a partner fat means not only evolutionary success, but also a display of wealth.  Does a true encourager feel a sense of pride to be with a partner who is obviously well fed?  Reversing this, does a person with an emaciated partner feel guilty he apparently can't provide enough nourishment and support?  We're currently in a very crazy historical period, where individuals have a mixed message of "be thin to be healthy" in the context of a society where the majority of people are "overweight."  How much of the ever-increasing waistlines reflect the evolutionary stress on well nourished individuals, and how much is the reflection of "inappropriate diet."  Since you were one who started off with the evolutionary emphasis--evolution doesn't need you to be a happy and healthy old person.  Evolution just needs to have your genes passed on.  This is usually done at a fairly early age.  If you die of diabetes or high blood pressure associated with an extremely high body fat percentage, that's really irrelevant in terms of reproduction.  Does that make sense?  You start off with a high body fat percentage, which triggers early puberty and fertility.  You pop out kids, and if you die at the age of 40, hey--you've done your job.  Kids are old enough to be independent and to pop out kids of their own.  The evolution ledger is in balance.

One of the other ideas some have had that you haven't mentioned--some encouragers may have an association of their chubby and growing partner with pregnancy.  If you look at any number of gainer related sites, you'll frequently encounter captions of "Josh is 6 months pregnant"--"Who knocked Kevin up?"--"David is preggers!" This might be understood metaphorically--obviously the male partner is not pregnant, but everything plays out accordingly.  The encourager helps the gainer grow...the results is similar to pregnancy from a visual perspective.  There are often even stretchmarks.  This is not unique to gay guys--you can also encounter straight men who associate fattening women to keeping them permanently pregnant.  Psychologically, for a male to keep another male "pregnant" means he's in a "hyper masculine" role.

As a therapist, I'm unsure of how much of this is directly connected to evolutionary biology, and how much is psychological (and of course, the psychology may simply be the way the evolution manifests itself).  Just so, feeding a gainer may be an aspect of nurturing.  In many cultures if not all, there is a comforting aspect of food and eating.  There is an old advertising jingle of "Nothing says lovin' like something from the oven..." and of course, "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach."  Feeding someone you love (and watching the result) may simply be an expression of love.  But as mentioned before, for some encouragers, the feeding is definitely an expression of power. For some gainers, there can be a fantasy role play where all responsibility for enormous consumption of food and the resulting gains are turned over to the encourager.  Indeed, some personal ads are requesting a dominant feeder who will "force" the gainer into unlimited size.  "I want my feeder to decide how fat he wants me."

Mutual gaining, from this model, can then be understood from a number of perspectives.  In this culture, gaining can be understood as a type of rebellion against cultural norms. To do it together can be "us against the world."  In classic "transactional analysis, mutual gaining can be seen as "child/child" bonding coupled with extreme enjoyment of pleasure--eating as much as one wants whenever one wants.  Mutual gaining can also be seen as full acceptance of one's partner--"I love you unconditionally--thin or otherwise--it doesn't matter.  More cake?"