I'm A 23 Year Old Virgin...

I have long since been attracted to men of bigger sizes.  Up until around 6th grade no one was remotely even big.  Through out time and high  school I saw big people and stared to imagine them shirtless.  I thought, back then, I was wrong for thinking it but eventually  got over it and assumed it was me.  I still had no courage what so ever to act out on desires because it was an all boy Catholic high school.  Now I am 23, still a virgin, yet to actually see anything other than what the internet can provide me.  I have no friends that are gay or lesbian.  Going to my family is out of the question for now.  All I want to do is explore for now.  I am getting to the point of bursting but I don't know how to act on my desires.  I am too afraid of being found out so I never post anything (working on that with a few postings here and there) but I REAAALLY want to start to explore my sexuality outside of masturbation.  Any hints or clues as to how I can safely go about meeting people and to not be shy?  I feel the community is tight but I am afraid of it for some reason I have. 
******* 

When I read questions like yours, I think of the poet Anais Nin who wrote:  "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk to bloom."  One of the things I learned growing up in a farming family--corn grows at its own rate.  It does you no good to go out into the cornfield and scream, "GROW!"  Some people are able to let go of their virginity when they are 16.  Others when they are 23.  Others when they are decades older.  Grow at your own appropriateness. And you know?  Perhaps, just perhaps...this is your year to give up your virginity.

I realized long ago, the job of therapists is to give permission to people.  We tell them, "It's ok to do this," or--"it's ok to stop doing this."

So--here you go.  It's ok for you to explore your sexuality.  Here's a scoop of personal disclosure--at one point I asked my first lover, "What do you think would have happened if we had met each others years ago, instead of now?"

And without hesitation, he said, "We would have run away like hell from each other."  Here's part of his history...when he moved from the east coast to San Francisco (and he was younger than you are now) he felt a strong attraction to a slightly older, much more experienced man.  He wanted a relationship with him. The man told him, "You're not ready for a relationship.  Go spread some wild oats.  Have sexual experiences so you know what they are.  Then come back and see me."  And you know what?  He did--and the man who gave him this advice was his first actual "lover/partner" (as opposed to his first sexual experience).  And just to point out reality...the man was not the one he ended up staying with (which is how he became my first lover...)--but he remained very close to his first lover, and because of him, I became friends with the gentleman as well.

This is just planting a seed that it's likely the guy to whom you lose your virginity will not necessarily be the guy you grow old with.  See--here's how things usually get screwed up--for the majority of humans, you grow up around boys and girls.  When puberty kicks you in the teeth, you start paying attention to either boys or girls (and to emphasize this issue--BEFORE puberty, girls tend to socialize primarily with other girls, and boys tend to socialize with other boys--to "cross lines" results in screams of "kooties" and there is tremendous social pressure to not "play" with the "opposite" sex.  Which tells you there's going to be a problem if little Tony prefers to only socialize with little girls.  Anyway, the standard model is--you hit puberty, you develop "puppy love" or "crushes" with kids your age, or with (and this can cause a problem) a teacher/youth group leader/assistant choir director---or another flavor of adult.  You go through these "crushes" faster than a guy with a cold can go through facial tissue.  Then you get experience, you mature--and then you're ready for a "relationship."

Some therapists believe when you've been hurt--or as we say in the trade, "traumatized"--your psychological/sociological self "freezes" at that point in your life.  Let's say at 8 you were sexually abused (and yeah--not talking about you--just giving an example).  At the age of 8 your options and your developmental stage are pretty limited.  I mean, really--what can an 8 year old do if a 6'2" man decides to abuse him?  And trust me, 8 year olds don't have the most realistic grasp of reality.  But being "traumatized" at the age of 8 means someone like this has his "options" limited to what an 8 year old would do.  And that might include never talking about it--or "acting out" or -- and here's one we see LOTS in the gay community...guys who were so scared they would be "found out" as being different, they tried to throw everyone "under the bus" who was different so no one would notice them.  This is one of those "irony" things where you end up discovering the guys who the biggest "fag bashers" in Middle School or High School eventually end up coming out themselves.  Unfortunately, they end up leaving a lot of "road kill" of people who were "different"  in their journey.

Anyway, based on this model, when a person begins to heal, their "psychological/sociological" clock starts up again, instead of being frozen.  This means the person's chronological age will not match their "emotional" age.  When the therapy kicks in, the person may be 23 or 33, but emotionally, they may be at the age of say, 12.  To put this all together--for heterosexuals, they get to "practice" being in relationships when puberty smacks them.  Gay and Lesbian youth will often "freeze," because they feel they can't act out on their true feelings and desires.  They focus on school, or sports, or drugs, etc., as a way of funneling the energy that others around them are funneling into dating.  When such a guy comes out, his emotional "clock" comes back on-line, but he may now be 23 and his emotional self is 12.  What does this mean?  One of the stereotypes of gay men is that they are promiscuous and can't form stable relationships.  From a therapist's point of view, a lot of gay men, when they first come out may behave the way a young teenager behaves--with lots of crushes, "puppy love," sexual experimentation, and many partners.  But what's seen as "normal" for a teenager, is seen as "inappropriate" for an adult male, or there's the idea all a man thinks about is sex.

All of which is to say--being gay in a homophobic society, does not usually give you the opportunity to "practice" being gay at the same time straight kids were able to "practice" being straight.  And jeez---you were at an all male Catholic school--which didn't hand you many advantages of forming healthy long term relationships--in other words, you would have been discouraged from forming intimate male relationships, and there really weren't any appropriate intimate female relationships to work with, even if you were straight.

So--again, let's review.  As near as I can tell, you weren't dealt the best hand of cards for the person you are. Many people are still virgins at 23--and many people in this category are ready to take the next step of their development, which includes leaving virginity behind.

Let me tell you something that I found amazing at our clinic.  At the time the study was done, we were probably considered the best place around to get therapy.  That meant the people who could afford the finest of care--saw us, because we were, quite frankly, considered the best the state could offer.  I would see top executives from major corporations and then the next hour I would see a couple on welfare.  It was the best of experiences for me.  Because we had to turn people away, since we simply couldn't see everyone, and because we were part of the university, we had to do a lot of research--we decided to look at what happened not only to patients we treated--but whose we didn't.  In other words, we looked at those who tried to book an appointment at our clinic--but who didn't succeed.  We never treated them.  And you know what? If you tried to make an appointment to see us--and you didn't--you still tended to get better.

I suspect if you are trying to change your life by seeking therapy--whether or not you see the therapist you first try to see--you're already headed in a direction of change.  The fact you tell me you don't do a lot of outreach on the Internet--but you e-mail me--tells me you're moving in a very specific direction.

Do you know the function of many seeds?  They form a tough protection to the inner seedling, so it will only start to grow when the conditions are right.  When there's enough moisture, then there is enough warmth and sunlight--the seedling bursts the seed's covering--and begins to grow.  I think you're at this point.

As I mentioned to another person on this blog--Look at your own community's resources. I mentioned gay and lesbian community centers, but also, since you're 23, look at what the colleges and universities in your area (you can check all this out on the internet), offer in terms of support groups for gay or bisexual men who are wondering about coming out, or those who have recently done so.  As I responded to someone else on this blog, you've gotten a lot of experience of how NOT to be a happy and healthy gay man.  As therapists, if we encounter people who were traumatized at say, the age of 12, and then began therapy at 22, it may take up to 10 years for their "emotional" age to catch up with their chronological age. There are a lot of skills and points of reference you simply can't have as a virgin who tells me you don't know of any gay or lesbian friends.  Based on my experience, I will also suggest you may actually HAVE gay or lesbian friends who have hesitated sharing their sexual orientation with you, just as you've decided not to share your orientation with them.  When you have more experience being out, you may discover your friends are a lot more like you than you believe now.  To put it another way--given the way you've led your life so far--if I knew you through school or work, is there any reason I'd "come out" to you?  Is there anything you've ever done that would make me trust you in that way?

At the university where I used to teach, we had a support group called, "I don't think I'm gay, but I know I'm not straight."  It was given that title because we knew at the time, if you are say, 23, and you walk through a door that is labeled, "Gay Support Group," you're at a very different developmental stage than someone who is terrified about being "found out" as gay, and feels if his family and friends discover this secret, their response would be complete rejection.  The "I don't think I'm gay, but I know I'm not straight" was meant for those who were starting to question what it means not to be "straight" but weren't ready to wear the title of "gay" or "bisexual."

So--go on line.  Look at your closest city's gay and lesbian community center or your closest college or university's resources.  Speaking as a former university professor, many of our gay and lesbian/bisexual/transgendered events/groups were open to the general community.  In other words, we would not check your "student ID" at the door--you were welcome because you lived in the area, and that made you part of the community. You shared you attended a Catholic school.  The gay folks who are part of the Catholic Church formed "Dignity," which is a support group for LGBT Catholics.  Some of the Dignity groups also have resources for people like you.

See--if you were to attend a Dignity meeting, and discover someone there is someone you knew from your school--do you really think he's going to tell others he saw you at a gay support group?  Others would want to know what HE was doing there. Just so, once you work up the courage to attend a support group, the chances are overwhelming anyone you meet in the group is already sharing a lot of the same experiences you are, and will be very unlikely to "out" you.

By all means, do what feels safest to you.  Set up a separate screen name and browser for yourself.  If you normally use google, set up a yahoo account under your "gay" identity.  Play with your profile and put down you live in Texas when you really live in Florida.  Play with your age and date of birth if it makes you feel no one will be able to trace this interesting gay person back to you--until you're ready to come out be true self. But if you choose to do so-what happens if you "meet" a wonderful person who then has to discover when you really want to meet him--that you have never been honest with him.  You can create a whole new identity--nothing shocking in the Internet--but you can also choose to limit how you identify yourself without actually posting a lie.

As I mentioned to someone else who wrote me here--at some point you need to shift from being gay "on-line" and being who you are in person with another person.

And I will tell you what I told him--start off in a non-sexual situation, since being a virgin you are leaking a lot of "I'm scared and vulnerable" vibes.  Unfortunately this will alert both people who are caring and supportive, and those who are selfish and exploitive.  You simply don't have enough experience to know the difference between the two. That's why it is important for you to have more exposure to gays and lesbians in a non-threatening situation.  For the 57 year old gentleman who also wrote me, I suggested he schedule a massage with a male massage therapist because he's never really been with a man in a physical way before.  But you're not even half his age.  At 23, I would suggest you volunteer at an AIDS or gay organization. This will allow you to interact with LGBT folks in a non-sexual environment.  Frankly, at this stage of your life, you really just need to get experience being around others who can model for you what it means to be different.  I'll also suggest that it's unlikely the people you meet in this environment will be the ones to whom you lose your virginity.  It's more likely you'll end up seeing them as "family," and you don't usually have sex with family.  But they may be the ones you talk to about the guy you want to date, or you'll want to tell them about the one to whom you did lose your virginity.

So--I hope you look to organizations in your area where you might volunteer to get the experience to be around people you know who are openly gay, bisexual, or lesbian, or that you join a support group for gay men who are wondering about coming out, or those who have recently come out.  I can only give you so much on-line--what will probably be most meaningful for you is sharing a latte at a Starbucks with a guy you met at Dignity, or from a support group.

Also--you don't build a house by putting the roof on first.  Just so, even though bigger guys are what floats your boat--I would recommend you don't start off with a fixation on bigger guys.  Get the "basics" down first, because being a happy and healthy partner to a big guy means having the same skills as someone who is a happy and healthy partner to someone with a 29 inch waist.  Sure, there's a difference in being with someone who is 135 pounds and someone who is 235 pounds, but in terms of relationships, we're really just talking about details--it's not like fat guys are a different species than skinny ones.

The other beauty of the 21st century...more and more people are overweight.  That means your chances of meeting a fat potential partner in a Dignity meeting, or in a gay support group are pretty good.

Bottom line--do what feels safest for you at this point in time.  If you're terrified about being discovered as gay, then force yourself to travel to a different city for a support group or Dignity chapter, so no one sees you.   But again--anyone you're going to meet at something like a Dignity meeting, is very unlikely to spill the beans about your sexual orientation since he would be exposing himself at the same time.  Even if you can only find the time to do this once a month instead of once a week because of the commute, the reality is--you're at least getting exposure to your reality once a month, which is more than you're getting now.

Wishing you only the best.  And as my old friend Dan Savage says--it really does get better.