I Like Being Fat But Most People Don't Like That

Hi.
I've been reading your blog for some time now, and decided to send you a question I have.

I've been fat all my life, ever since kindergarden. Up until around 16 years I was only overweight, but recently I've gotten well into obese. This is mostly fine by me since I like fat and have considered gaining many times. I'm 170 cm high and weights 98 kg, BMI 39.
Getting fatter is very tempting, but the health risks concern me, most the mobility issues I'll get, steep hills are already getting me out of breath and my running is poor.

another concern is my mom- I'm 19 and live with my parents because I can't affort my own place and my mom is constantly nagging on me about my weight trying to make me loose it. And I kind of want that to. I've never been slim and fit and maybe I should try that to before gaining seriously. Being fit with toned abs and a nice chest will make it easier to get a boyfriend. Most boys my age are slim and toned and I feel like I can't ask them out and such because I'm fat, and most people don't like that.

And last, I'm not really comfortable with my body. I feel like I'm not really fat, so i feel trapped between fit and fat, not knowing where to go.

I realise this isn't exactly a question, I would just like some general advice over what I just described.
*****

Hmm...the most important thing to me is that you are in "charge" of your own body, and if you gain or lose, you do that as your own decision, rather than trying to please your mother, your boyfriend, priest, rabbi, etc.  Always remember that.  Your body--your rules.


My thoughts (rather than my advice)? You''ve expressed you're not really comfortable with your body.  Frankly, in this culture, very few 19 year olds are happy with their bodies--and it doesn't always really have to do completely with body fat percentage or the amount of muscle they have--it's a whole combination of no longer being a child, not really being a full adult, financial challenges, and a combination of curiosity and fear about the future (including getting a boyfriend).  That's a very big mix, and it gets expressed most easily by focusing on something really concrete and immediate in your presence--which usually means your body.

Since you mentioned you've never been lean in your life, what the hell--why not try to find out what lean feels like.  Your mother will be happy, which should never be the reason you do it, but that would be a sort of "fringe benefit." And who knows, you may find you enjoy having a BMI of say, 20, more than you do having one of 39.  That can certainly happen.  And if you discover you don't enjoy being lean and all the effort it can take to achieve and maintain being lean--it's really easy to regain weight once you've originally packed it on.  This is true for muscle tissue as well--once you've built up muscles, and then stop exercising and lose muscle tissue, you can regain it through exercise much more quickly than someone who had never built up muscle before.  In the fitness world, they call this "muscle memory."  When you've always been chubby, you established the number of fat cells in your body during your childhood.  If you were to lose weight now, your fat cells would not disappear, but they would "deflate." That means if you then start overeating, your fat cells would start to "fill up" again.  The bottom line--a former fatty can plump up very quickly.  So---you're in a bit of a "win/win" situation--lose weight and you get to find out what that experience is like, and if you're not happy, blow back up.

Here's another suggestion--go to www.fit2fat2fit.com - this is the site for a personal fitness trainer who has always been athletic with a lot of muscles and a 6pack set of abs.  He has worked with a lot of fat clients and felt frustrated.  He had the attitude--to get a person to lose weight, all you had to do was give them instructions, tell them they would be healthier, and then the pounds would melt off of them.  Frankly, human beings don't tend to work this way.  So he decided he would deliberately gain 50-60 pounds over six months to discover what it is like to be overweight, and then spend the next 6 months losing the new weight to get back to his ripped "fit" self.  In the first 4 months, he gained about 60 pounds, and he has nearly two more months to go, and at the rate he's gaining, he'll end up at least 70 pounds over his starting weight.  His success at getting fat has surprised him.  But now having 50 inch hips has taught him a great deal about not feeling motivation to get up and do stuff, or in his words, "sometimes I feel too lazy to get up and get a bowl of cereal even though I'm hungry."  He feels out of breath when he walks upstairs.  He wanted to fix something on his roof, and planned to climb out of the window and then found out he's now too fat to lift his leg high enough to make it out the window.  

I would suggest you start to follow his progress, and in about another 2 months--when he starts back on his return journey to be "fit," follow his instructions and advice and do what he does, so you start losing weight and becoming more lean yourself.  He really believes food--not just exercise-- has a major impact.  He's spent the last 4 months eating things he's always avoided--like fast food, highly processed items, and things with a lot of sugar.  You can also contact him directly with questions in terms of trying to follow him to fitness. His website lets you send him messages.


My other suggestion-do what he is doing in terms of documenting your changes.  Take a series of photographs, or do short videos where you weigh yourself and measure your chest, waist, hips, and arms.  If you lose weight and then decide you want to regain, you'll always have a record of what it was like for you to be thinner.  If you decide you love being lean, you'll have a series of photos or videos that show what you looked like with a BMI of 39, so you'll always remember what it was like to be that size.  The other advantage of documenting your changes is what the trainer has learned--knowing you'll take measurements and photos/vids every Saturday means if you feel like slacking off, you tell yourself, "But I've got to take pictures of myself in two days.  I better go ahead and do that last set of exercises, " or, "I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow--I'm going to pass on that second slice of pizza, so I know I won't have gained weight, instead of losing."

And here's my advice (as opposed to my opinion).  Having a BMI of 20 or 40 won't automatically guarantee you "instant boyfriend."  This is the hardest thing for a lot of guys to get into their heads---YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE AN AUDIENCE, no matter what your waist size is.  It just may not be the same audience.  There will always be some guys who prefer a thin guy, and some who prefer a fat guy. The crazy making part (in my experience) involves the ones who whine, "Oh, I want to be fat, but I only want to get fat in a relationship."  They work hard, get a set of 6 pack abs, and attract a boyfriend who finds a 6 pack abs sexy.  Then the wannabe gainer lets out a big sigh of relief and buries his abs in soft flab.  Which grosses out the new boyfriend who doesn't find flab attractive, and then dumps the new fatty.  The dumped fatty then goes "boo hoo hoo," and goes through a strict diet with a lot of exercise to get back down to less than 10% body fat percentage, and attracts another boyfriend who finds 6 pack abs sexy, and the cycle starts up again.  Think about your body as bait.  If you want to end up with a boyfriend who likes you chubby, having 6 pack abs is really the wrong "bait" to attract him.  As someone who wants to be with a chub, I'm not going to invest my time with someone who looks as if he spends hours in the gym and never has dressing on his salad because that would make him "fat."  Whenever you step outside, your body is broadcasting a message.  Less than 10% bodyfat percentage is giving the message "I restrict myself and invest a great deal of time exercising to look like this." Walking outside with nearly 40 BMI is giving the message "I enjoy life and food and I don't spend a lot of time saying 'no' when it comes to the last piece of pie."

What troubles me most is your statement, "Most boys my age are slim and toned and I feel like I can't ask them out and such because I'm fat, and most people don't like that."  Please...go to bellybuilders.com, beefyfrat.com grommr.com, fantasyfeeder.com, or getasnack.blogspot.com.  Believe me, there are boys your age around the world who find fat sexy.  But as someone who would rather be with a bigger guy, I'm in a difficult situation when I see someone who looks attractive other than the fact he's too thin for my tastes.  I can't mind read.  I can't look at him and think, "Oh, he's just waiting for an encourager/feeder to bury those ugly abs in some nice soft flab."  If he's someone who looks as if he lives in a gym and never eats a cookie, my going up to him and saying, "you look good, but you'd look really great if you had a pot belly," might just scare him and he'll run back to the gym.  Is someone like me going to first approach someone I don't know who  is "ok" with being a sexy chub, or someone who looks as if being fat would scare him?  To be honest, I've had a lot of experience being attracted to guys with a fun personality and a lot of brains, but who are not fat.  During our relationship many of them have gained weight, but then aren't happy with their new pounds.  If I touch their new bellies they go, "Oh, don't touch me there--it makes me feel fat."  I can't think of more of a turn off in a relationship.  You've told me I like fat and have considered gaining many times. There are "slim and toned" guys who feel the same way, but you have no way of knowing who they are as opposed to the ones who want to remain "slim and toned"--unless you work up the courage to talk to them.

And frankly, based on literally years of corresponding with young guys who frequent gainer sites, a lot of them were "slim and toned" at your age but hated it, and felt they had to please their parents by staying "slim and toned" while they wanted to be tubby.  Some of them are "fit and toned" but after their first year away at college they've not only packed on the "freshman 15" but maybe the "freshman 30" or more.  Some are slim because they've just gone through a "growth spurt" and are finally at their full adult height and are now ready to add some sideways size.  Here's the reality--go back to those same "slim and toned" guys you see right now in another couple of years and you're likely to see they aren't so toned and slim any longer.

If you feel you're unattractive, then you broadcast a non-verbal message you're not happy with yourself.  Trust me, that's like wearing "stink" cologne.  It has nothing to do with your BMI.  If you're happy with yourself, you send out a non-verbal message that's very attractive no matter what your waist size may be. If I'm a potential boyfriend, do I want to talk to a stranger who looks unhappy about himself, or someone who seems self-confident and a lot of fun?  If you're convinced I feel like I can't ask them out and such because I'm fat, and most people don't like that, then you've eliminated talking to guys who may want a chubby boyfriend, or would enjoy mutual gaining.  Trust me, a lot of guys are shy about going up to a sexy fat guy because they may have the experience of doing so before and ending up with a self-hating chub who thinks someone who wants a fat partner is crazy. There are people who deliberately gain because they enjoy being bigger.  There are people who are naturally fat and enjoy it.  But there are also guys who have gained weight who hate their softer bodies and will never understand potential boyfriends who like them that way, and will think a fat admirer is some sort of freak.

If you limit yourself to avoiding making contact with potential boyfriends because you think they only want someone "slim and toned," then you've automatically eliminated the guys who either really want a chubby boyfriend, as well as those for whom a belly is not an issue, but are just focused on someone with a sense of humor and a good personality.  That would be a loss not only for you, but for some really great guys who are out there.


And finally--I feel a responsibility to address your concern Getting fatter is very tempting, but the health risks concern me, most the mobility issues I'll get.  I have a friend of mine who finally "took the plunge" of gaining after a lifetime of wanting a belly.  He's gone from 185 to around 260--and is the happiest he's ever been.  He goes to the gym on a regular basis and does a lot of cardio.  Being fat doesn't mean you can't also be fit.  I mentioned the personal trainer who has porked up with over 60 pounds in four months, who says he now gets winded going upstairs. Part of his experience of going from "fit to fat to fit" has been cutting out all of his exercise.  If he had kept up his workouts and cardio, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't feel out of breath going upstairs even now that he's gotten a gut..  

There are many guys who are aware of this, and keep healthy by working out and having a balanced diet while packing on the pounds.  Not long ago Kelly Gneiting, a 400 pound, former sumo wrestler, ran a marathon in Los Angeles. Can being fat restrict your mobility?  Absolutely--especially if all you do is watch tv and play video games while you pile on the pounds by eating junk food.  But if you combine cardio with regular exercise, you can keep very active and stay healthy while enjoying nutritious  food.  You really can be fat and fit.