So after reading a bunch of posts and
participating in a gender preference survey somewhere on a belly
site, it seems like straight guys are in the minority here.
I'm one of them -- also married -- and
I wonder how other guys' wives took the gaining thing and how they're
dealing with that. I'd also be interested in hearing from gay men
whose partners are pushing back against the gain...my hunch is that
every guy has to deal with more or less the same set of issues
regardless of their partner's gender (although I'm thinking women
might be less tolerant than men would be -- that's a complete and
possibly incorrect guess, though).
I was in good shape when we got
married, and I was in even better shape until I started packing on
the pounds very recently (and VERY quickly). So there have no been no
major conflicts yet...just wondering how you guys dealt with the
uncooperative partner thing since I expect to start getting some
grief about the increased food consumption and weight gain very soon.
I have no interest in disguising or hiding it, but I also question
the wisdom of coming right out and telling her what's going on...not
a great idea, imo.
Thoughts/suggestions?
I'm a little confused--and I'm a Family
Therapist specializing in couples, lol. Are you asking specifically
what to do if your wife expresses she doesn't find your (relatively
recent) weight gain meets her approval, and if you continue to
balloon, it will upset her more?
If so--here's my response based on
working with couples over the years, but recall I would normally see
couples because they are unhappy enough about some aspect of their
lives to seek change.
A) Many couples try "mind-reading"
and almost all of them are bad at it. For example, you state you are
concerned she might be unhappy, but you also say she hasn't brought
up the topic. Since I can't read her mind at a distance, and I've
never met her--I have (and frankly you have) no way of knowing how
she feels about having more of you to love. Look at her extended
family. If there are various fatties in her extended family, your
gaining weight may simply seem normal to her.
B) You also don't mention your ages and
how long you've been married. Again, at least in the U.S. and a
growing (pun intended) number of other countries, obesity is becoming
a norm. Look around at the friends you and your wife socialize
with--have any of them gained weight since you've known them? If so,
again--gaining weight may just be normal from her perspective.
C) There are some cultural groups where
a husband gaining weight communicates to the community he's happily
married (and stereotypical) she's a good cook, so an increased waist
line is a compliment to her and to you as a (stereotypical) provider.
If she does most of the cooking, praise her and tell her how great
she is and ask for another helping.
D) In my experience, when a partner
gains weight in some long term relationships, the concern expressed
by the non-gaining partner is usually less around "you're
getting fat and that disgusts me" and is rather addressed to "I
love you and I'm worried you might damage your health by getting this
chubby." Those are two HUGELY (pun intended) different issues.
If it's around health, then if you've been a long term member of gaining sites, you can find it's quite possible to be both fat and healthy,
particularly if you keep up some form of cardio. Join a gym and make
a big deal out of it to her about how you want to stay healthy--hell,
invite her to join you. Just do it with the idea that this is not
intended for you to lose fat, if you want to get bigger, but to give
her the message you are aware of your health and want to stick around
as long as possible with her as your loving marriage endures.
And finally--don't just make this a
"you" focused issue--teach her how to have fun with
food--even if she has no interest in gaining herself. One couples
exercise I think I've shared on this site before to increase intimacy
is "sensual feeding." Tell your wife you heard a
psychologist talk about increased intimacy in couples who do sensual
feedings. The basics--assemble various food items with different
textures and tastes--potato chips, chocolate pudding, a slice of
apple--and also objects with different textures--a silk scarf, a
feather duster, a strip of fur---Have her lie down on your bed nude
and blindfolded. Very lovingly and gently give her a taste of one of
the food items and ask her to use all of her heightened senses (since
she's blindfolded) to both identify what she's tasting and really
focus on it. As she's doing this, use the various textured items to
trace across her body (parts). If you do this correctly it's
extremely sensual and can lead to hot sex. Then (assuming this goes
really well) ask her to do the same to you (at another time, so she
can gather her own items to treat you). This starts to link feeding
with sex, which can be a very powerful bond, and it also allows her
permission to really get to know your increasingly sensuality that
has resulted from your gain. See--if she's trying to "mind read"
you and wonders if you're ashamed of your gain, then she might
hesitate to touch/jiggle/enjoy your expanding flesh. This exercise
lets her explore you in a new way. By all means, give her lots of
verbal feedback of how much you're enjoying what she's doing and how
good it feels. One of my favorite comments from a married straight
gainer--is when he told her "My belly is an erogenous zone--and
it's only going to get bigger." Another hint--a very high
quality chocolate truffle melts at normal body temperature. That
means if you bite into one you can then take the other half and smear
it on a body part and then lick/suck it off. On a personal disclosure
level, when I've done this I will also take the other half of the
truffle in my mouth and use my tongue to push it into my partner's
mouth.
And finally, finally, I don't know if
it's really useful to tell her directly "Gaining is a kind of
kink for me that I really enjoy, which is why I've been getting fat
recently, and I've enjoyed it so much I'm gonna get a lot fatter."
There are consensual "kinks"--say being tied up--where both
partners need to be clear about what's going on. But this is about
your body and your choice--she doesn't need to know there may be an
erotic charge to what you're doing (some partners feel threatened by
that--again a mind read of "if you need this kink it means you
find me inferior and unable to meet your needs." Also--joke
about gaining weight (and make sure you do it when you're around your
friends and she can hear) and how much you're enjoying it, so she
gets the clear message you're not upset about your chubby self, but
that you're enjoying yourself.
Good luck!
Wow! Thanks a million for the thorough
and thoughtful reply, Professor Fatology-
Excellent points. All of them. Without
getting too "in the weeds", I was 23 when we got married
20+ years ago. There are weight issues on her side of the family...in
fact, she's a little overweight herself. The thing is that she always
had some extra weight, and I married her that way. On the flip side,
she married me as a fairly fit guy....so there's an element of
concern there about a dramatic or sudden change in appearance.
But you're 100% right...I'm not only
trying to read her mind, I'm also trying to predict the future. It's
quite possible that she'll welcome the change since it "levels
the playing field" a little in terms of fitness levels. In any
event, there's a very good chance that I'm creating a problem where
there isn't and will never be one...just trying to think through
responses as I doubt the gain can continue much longer before the
comments (positive or negative) begin.
That said, I like the sensual feeding
suggestion. A lot. Also pretty impressed with the
belly-as-an-erongenous-zone comment from your married gainer friend.
I could see that kind of approach working here. Joking about it
publicly and making her aware that I'm genuinely enjoying it is also
a brilliant idea that I'll definitely use when the opportunity
presents itself. Great stuff....
Thanks again for the excellent insight
and advice...very much appreciated!
******
Happy to help--and frankly, after 20 or
so years, if you hadn't gained, I would worry about you being a
little too obsessed about your own body. After responding, I've been
thinking about other issues--
I mentioned to you in discussing your
gain in front of friends and making sure she overhears. One of the
things I hear a lot in the straight community is a sort of "monkey
see, monkey do" primate response--After a couple of drinks, one
guy pulls up his shirt and shows how much his belly has grown and
then the other guys do the same and laugh and compare guts. If this
is a situation that's an option, I find it also very helpful if in
the process you tell your friends, "Yeah, look how much I've put
on because my wife is such a good cook." In other words, in
front of her and your mutual friends, you give her a compliment. Not
long ago, the SigO invited over (unexpectedly I might add) a number
of work friends (all straight and a mix of men and women/couples).
Fortunately I had baked a nice pumpkin chocolate chip and pecan loaf
I sliced up on a plate, and he said, "You see why I'm so fat?
It's because he's such a good cook."
For a lot of guys--straight or
otherwise, there's often this sense of "I was just calmly
watching TV and my honey made me fat." As a psychologist, I
understand this to be a self-defense mechanism of "I have no
blame about pudging out--it's all my partner's fault." If this
helps the partner accept his expanding waistline and keeps
expanding--hey--I'm not going to object.
The other thing I was thinking about
was the idea of starting a separate thread on clever/funny things a
guy can bring up when he's talking to other guys regarding weight
gain. I mentioned it would be helpful for you to joke about your
belly in front of your mutual friends while she can overhear the
comments.
For example, a number of years ago I
was in Michigan working with an Indian reservation and a guy I hadn't
seen in a couple of years had gotten married and developed an
impressive ballgut. If you're not American Indian, this won't work
for you, but I found it really funny--he said--while patting his gut,
"Well, you know when the White men arrived here, they always
told us, build something to protect what you value, so I now have
something to protect the family jewels." One of my older
brothers used to pat his sizable belly and say, "It took a lot
of money to get it this big."
I'd love to hear what funny comments
gainers have when they joke about their expansion.
As a therapist, one of my mentors was a
woman named Virginia Satir. As an exercise, she would have someone
push against her hand. As long as they both pushed, they stayed in
the same place. When she made that point, she would then stop pushing
and the other person would almost fall over. The idea was--when you
stop resisting, you change the dynamic. One of the best examples of
this was the "classic" Roseanne tv show,where she had a
common comic theme, when if another character would "push"
against her, rather than "fighting" (pushing back) she
would not resist at all and instead, for comic effect, not only agree
with what the other person was saying, but exaggerate the comment. If
her TV daughter said, "You don't love me," rather than give
examples of how much love she had for the daughter, she would say,
"Yeah, you're right--I've called the gypsies to stop by and pick
you up tonight and take you away."
In your case, if at Thanksgivings
(assuming you're in the U.S., since Canada has already done theirs)
you gather with your family and folks go, "Wow--you've really
packed on the pounds," rather than getting defensive, you smile,
pat your belly and go, "thanks for noticing--I've been working
on this for months! By Christmas I figure I can play Santa Claus
without any padding!" Or, "Yep--I'm trying to get big
enough where I can belly bump anyone in the family and win." The
whole point is--publicly acknowledge the gain in a positive and
humorous way and if there's any sort of negative comment, don't get
defensive, but laugh at the person making the comment and switch the
conversation to how much you're enjoying being "large and in
charge," and at all times, compliment your wife and how she now
has more to love and she's such a great cook how could anyone stay
skinny married to her? You can also comment on how being bigger makes
you feel a lot more manly and self confident. You can say out loud
(again, so she can overhear) you spent years trying to have the
waistline of a magazine model and now that you're older and wiser,
you've discovered a second slice of pie is a hell of a lot more
enjoyable than a 32 inch waist.
Another thing I thought about after
originally responding...and again, remember I'm speaking as a member
of a clinic where we were seeing folks seeking therapy---if a member
of a couple was trying to lose weight when there was no medical push
to do so--it almost always meant he or she was planning on having an
affair. In other words, another comment you can make where she can
overhear it--"I love my wife and she loves me...I finally
realized I don't have to have the body of a 20 year old anymore
because God knows, I'm not trying to pick up some chick in a bar. I'm
happily married and I just want to kick back, and enjoy my life and
my wife, and if that means I have to buy a larger pair of jeans, then
hand me another slice of pizza and a few more beers."
When 9/11 happened, I advised gainers
worried about the response of others to say, "You know, 9/11 was
a real eye opener to me in terms of the fact none of us are
guaranteed a tomorrow--it taught me to really value and treasure
every day as it comes. I wasted a lot of time trying to look like a
model in a magazine and spent years denying myself things I enjoy.
I'm tired of doing that. I want to suck the juice out of life while I
can. And if that means I get a belly, I'd rather have a belly and
really enjoy my life, even if I don't look like a magazine model. And
you know what? I'm not a magazine model, and I was never meant to be
one. I'd rather be fat and happy."
*********
Professor Fatology, man, you're a
genius! Perfectly framed out response and ideas.
For what it's worth, I think the
concept of a thread on weight gain comments and replies is a great,
great idea. Strikes me as a HUGE motivator for guys who are reticent
about gaining based on feedback from family, friends, coworkers, etc.
(and it can be pretty hot, too ). Sadly, I can only fantasize about
how those types of exchanges might play out in real life, but happy
to pitch in as those situations surface...
Thanks again for your help. Excellent
advice!
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