I'm Gaining-But What If My Wife Doesn't Like It?

So after reading a bunch of posts and participating in a gender preference survey somewhere on (a gaining) site, it seems like straight guys are in the minority here.  I'm one of them -- also married -- and I wonder how other guys' wives took the gaining thing and how they're dealing with that. I'd also be interested in hearing from gay men whose partners are pushing back against the gain...my hunch is that every guy has to deal with more or less the same set of issues regardless of their partner's gender (although I'm thinking women might be less tolerant than men would be -- that's a complete and possibly incorrect guess, though). I was in good shape when we got married, and I was in even better shape until I started packing on the pounds very recently (and VERY quickly). So there have no been no major conflicts yet...just wondering how you guys dealt with the uncooperative partner thing since I expect to start getting some grief about the increased food consumption and weight gain very soon. I have no interest in disguising or hiding it, but I also question the wisdom of coming right out and telling her what's going on...not a great idea, imo. Thoughts/suggestions? ********* Well, the truth is, there simply isn't enough research on gaining and relationships for me to be able to provide appropriate data on this. The truth is, our society "trains" males to be more aggressive and active in terms of dealing more directly with sexuality, which means gay men are more likely to have a greater number of "kinky" sites (including gaining ones) than females--for one reason, since gays are in the minority, they have to work harder to find an appropriate partner, where a heterosexual male will have a lot more options. Just so, I can think of several male gaining sites, but fewer female gaining sites, and the female ones are more focused on connecting a heterosexual pair. The upshot of this can make a straight man who dips his toe into the gaining world feel as if he's in the minority on a male oriented gaining site, and if he explores a heterosexual focused site, he'll often feel most of the men there are trying to establish a relationship with a woman, and if he is seeking a female who shares the kink--he's got a lot of competition. A male in a relationship who wants to gain won't always find a lot of support from the female members of the site, especially if they're on-line in the hopes of finding a boyfriend/partner. There are certainly segment of the gay population, where fat guys are as unwelcome as a fat female model on most fashion runways.  But just as there are "plus sized" models who are prized within that context, there are gay men who are celebrated for their bellybuilding success. When you move out of needing a body to look or move in a certain way--so if you're not a professional model or a professional athlete, there's not the same level of expectation when you operate within a more generalized community. Obesity rates among adults, and especially children are increasing, so not looking like a fitness model is simply normal.  The bottom line--you can have a satisfactory relationship in any community no matter what your waist size is.  However, the audience that appreciates you as someone with a 32 inch waist is not necessarily the same audience that will applaud a man with a 47 inch waist.  The same way, if you're 20, you'll have a certain appreciative audience, but you might have a different audience that appreciates you when you're in your 50s.  However, as someone who has worked as a therapist for both male couples and male/female couples (I've done research with female couples, but not therapy with them)--here's what I feel is most important about why you are writing me: If I am in a relationship with you and you do “X” behavior, then it's most likely I will internalize the idea “If I did this behavior, it would mean “Y” for me.” And that would be very accurate. But the truth is, behavior “X” may mean something very different for me than it means for my partner/spouse. One of the things that frequently leads someone into therapy is when one spouse thinks, “Oh, my god—he/she is doing this and this means 'Z,' when the behavior actually means “W” or “Q” for the partner. I've mentioned before, one of my mentors was a very famous therapist named Virginia Satir. She had written about early on in her marriage, taking a beef roast and cutting it in half and cooking it in two separate roasting pots. When her husband asked, “Why are there two different roasts?” --she honestly told him she didn't know—it was simply what her mother had always done. When she actually asked her mother, “Why did you always cook a pot roast in two separate pots?” The mother responded, “Well, when I first married your father, I didn't have a pot large enough for a roast, so I would cut it in half and cook it in two pots.” On a personal disclosure level, as a child, whenever we had guests, my mom would fix a dinner where there would be a salad that included radishes. Personally, I don't like the taste of fresh radishes (and in full-full disclosure, decades later I discovered if I roasted radishes that had been tossed with olive oil and garlic, they tasted really good) but as an adult on my own, whenever I had guests I would automatically fix a salad and add fresh radishes. After being trained by Virginia, I suddenly realized—A) I hate the taste of fresh radishes; and B) my mother wasn't the one inviting people to my home for dinner. With that realization, I never put fresh radishes into a salad again, and I lived happily ever after, and I suspect my guests weren't unhappy. The truth? My mom liked the taste of fresh radishes, but no one else in our family did, so the only time she felt she could please herself was to toss fresh radishes in on behalf of guests. I know of absolutely no scientific study or proof heterosexual women who are married to men are going to be more judgmental about their partners gaining than gay men are (with the possible exception of women under contract to the Bravo Network to be “Real Housewives” of one city or another). I am much more aware of observations of a cross-cultural nature (which I have mentioned before) where there's a strong expectation after a couple is married, a husband will gain weight. This signals to the family and the community the couple is happy together; the husband is not doing his best to attract another sexual partner; the couple (because, especially if the wife has given birth and kept the “pregnancy fat/additional weight”) is considered by the community to have socially shifted from being basically adolescents to being adults. And in these cultures, adolescents are thought of as being underdeveloped, skinny people, and adults are considered to be “solid citizens” which means they are a lot wider and well fed than teenagers. After years of experience of being a Family Therapist, what I find over and over again, is when one member of a couple changes a behavior without discussing it with his/her partner. this then leads to the other partner to have to mindread/project “Oh, my gosh—this new behavior must mean “X,” --even if it doesn't. To put it in simple terms...if you're in a relationship and you have always wanted to gain weight, and you start to do so, then tell your partner directly what your weight gain means. Don't make him or her try to interpret what your increasing waistline means. Years ago, a close female friend of mine married a man and in the first three months together, he gained 30 pounds—that's (duh) 10 pounds a month. She would cook dinner (she had a number of children from a previous marriage) and leave what wasn't eaten on the stove and he would eat all the leftovers. Where I'm going with this—she didn't set out to fatten him—she simply did what she had done for years. When she mentioned this to me, I observed, “Well if this keeps up at the rate you report, at the end of your first year together, he'll be 120 pounds heavier than when you first met.” Actually, at the end of their first year together, he was 80 pounds heavier than when they first got together. What I'd like you to take away from this—if you're gaining and you're happy about it—then let your wife know you're aware of the fact you're gaining and you're happy with it and your relationship with her. It makes a “huge” (pun here) difference if you tell her directly, “I love you, and it feels so good to not have to try to keep the overly athletic shape I thought would attract you when that never mattered to me. I like being a big and powerful looking guy—I've always wanted to be this guy. And I am so happy to be married to someone who loves me for myself and not what pants size I wear. I'm so happy with our relationship, and the fact you love and accept me for who I am and want to be.” Don't assume all wives want a husband who looks like the years younger guy she married. In my experience with a lot of gainers, look at the spouse's father/mother—extended family. If they aren't skinny, then there's a family history that has taught—when you are in love and in coupledom, your partner shouldn't look skinny. If he/she started skinny, but expanded, then this fits the family pattern a happy couple means at least one member of the family porks out. So—again--what you need to take away from this—if being well bellied is what pleases you, then be direct and explain to your partner/wife/domestic partner, being fatter means not only being happier for you, but means you're in a relationship with someone you deeply love and you appreciate will support you no matter what size you are. I mentioned to someone in another post who is in a similar situation--don't just tell your wife you're happy with getting fatter once, and never mention it again.  If you are around friends, don't wait for them to mention the fact you're suddenly a lot larger.  Laugh and pat your new gut and say, "Yeah, I'm a big boy now! I got tired of denying myself the things I enjoy, the way I did for years.  I'm happy--I'm with someone I love, and who loves me. I'm realized I didn't want to look like I model men's clothing, or like I'm looking for a new girlfriend."  Then smile, look at your wife, and say in front of your friends, "And who can stay skinny with someone who's such a good cook?"  As I've reported before, a lot of partners or families who freak out about weight gain are influenced by major media reports weight gain automatically means “poor health” rather than the idea a person can be bigger and healthy. It's critical for you to distinguish between a spouse/partner condemning your weight gain based on their fear of harming your body vs. a spouse/partner condemning you for not looking like you used to look when you first got together. I'm going to take a wild guess your wife doesn't look in 2012 what she looked like on your wedding day. That doesn't mean you want to dump her. In healthy, long term relationships, your partner loves you for you—your behaviors and your personality—not for your waist size, or your hair (or lack of it) or your wrinkle-smooth skin. In a long term relationship, if your partner was first attracted by your hairline, your abs, or your smooth skin—a long term relationship means you stay around because you really love your partner, and changes in his/her skin tone, waist size, or hairline aren't  deal breakers. If such issues are a deal breaker—well, maybe—just maybe—you didn't get involved in a healthy and long term relationship.

Is My Behind My Best Asset?

Anyway, I have a question for you.
I've been struggling with my sexuality for quite a while now... When I am not aroused, I'm intensely attracted to the more curvy variety of women.

However, whenever I receive compliments on my behind, I begin to get sexually aroused. This translates into me getting the burning desire to get fatter, be fed, be submissive, and (shouldst thou pardon my french) get ***ed in my behind.

This has become quite a schism in my life for me-- it has led to my weight yo-yoing, me posing provocatively for men when I'm aroused, and me almost meeting up with people in my area for feeding sessions.

I don't have a problem with homosexuality, I just want to know how/where I'm classified. I've been in several relationships before, the majority of which have characterized me as the submissive of the male/female partnership.

My question is two-fold.
1) Who/what am I?! I know that this is incredibly general, but what is the classification for my behavior? Are there others like me?

2) I do wish to be fed and entered at some point in the future. However, I am a gay sex virgin. How do I train my body to feel pleasure (not pain!) from a penis entering me?

3) I wish not to seem desperate, but all the feedees I've seen around here focus mainly on their tummies. I'm not sure if I'm a weird niche for specializing in my ass, but are there people that appreciate this? Am I alone?

Thanks for all your time,

***************

First of all, as a Family Therapist who has been around for a long time, it's a relief to get this sort of question from a young person, as opposed to someone more than twice your age who has been too challenged or frightened to explore their interests and sexuality. Whether it comes to gaining or expressing one's sexuality, I've rarely encountered anyone who said, “Oh, thank God I never did anything about this until I was in my fifties—I'm so happy I lost decades of becoming more authentically me.” I have, however, come across many who said, “After I finally accepted myself, I realized how many years I wasted trying to fight who I am.”

Is it unusual for someone to receive a lot of reinforcement for how they look—particularly a specific body part? Let's just say there's a reason many women spend a great deal of money getting breast implants. Both men and women who have striking eye color grow up having others regularly comment on how beautiful they are. It's obvious in your case your derrière gets a lot of attention. It's then becomes a cyclical experience—the more you get complimented on it, the more it helps your self-esteem, which encourages you to both show it off more and to wear clothing that emphasizes it. The danger of relying on a body part or a specific “look” to bolster self-esteem is if the attention is lost—because age undermines the look, or weight loss deflates what drew attention—then a person can begin to feel bad about him or herself. This is one of the reasons from a psychological perspective, it's always a good idea to be a well-rounded person (and not just in the context of a waistline), so one doesn't feel valued for just one aspect of life.

Some types of therapy (not the one I practice, by the way) would also spend time having you look back at early childhood experiences where your rear end received a lot of attention or praise. What matters to me is this matters to you—you obviously (based on the photos on your profile) have an impressive set of genetic advantages that have allowed you to have a bottom others admire, and you share you have allowed men to admire your “assets” on the Internet. There are men (and women) who go crazy for asses, just as some idealize large breasts or well developed legs.

As I've written in other posts, there's a theory called “The Love Map,” where one's erotic landscape tends to develop at a relatively young age, usually before the age of eight. Since you report you are aroused by attention to your ass, it's likely the fusion of eroticism and attention to your rear happened early on. For example, if two young neighborhood children are playing “house” or “doctor” and are exploring their bodies while nude, a horrified mother may discover them, and jerks her son away, spanking him and and yelling, “Don't you ever let me catch you doing that again.” If the child was sexually aroused (and children are extremely sexual beings, but don't developmentally process this as adults do—-they instead focus on pleasurable sensations) at this moment, then there can be a fusion of the spanking with sexual arousal. This is one of the reasons about one in four American adults report enjoying spanking as part of their foreplay. In earlier times in England, when caning was commonly used in discipline, you see the same impact—where men would often pay commercial sex workers to cane their rear ends. If you were in therapy with me (and you're not) I might ask you about how much you've privately pleasured yourself using your ass, or if you've done so while interacting on webcams with your male admirers. My interest is around how you can appropriately and successfully be able to express yourself sexually.

So—let's get back to your specific questions.

1. 
   
   
   Yes. There are many people—both male and female—who achieve arousal from a focus on their asses. There are a number of nerve endings in the anus, which is one of the reasons being able to “take a dump” when you really need to do so can feel to be such a relief and enjoyable. This is also one of the reasons many individuals include enemas as part of their sex play. Going back to the Love Map theory, it may well be when they were very young, their caretakers gave them enemas as part of their health care (this was done more frequently in older times) and they learned to associate enemas with pleasure. For many males, stimulation of the prostrate can be extremely pleasurable. This is not a gay or straight issue—although at least in American culture, many straight men are socialized to consider this “gay” or “dirty.” But trust me, there are many straight men who very much enjoy having their prostrate massaged, and a major vibrator manufacturer has recently been marketing vibrators to heterosexual couples with the idea of them pleasuring each other. I should also mention, that while there is a stereotype “gay sex” is specifically “anal sex,” this simply isn't true. There are many gay men who have never had anal sex, or have tried it and did not enjoy it. Humans have a lot of variations, and not all males will experience the same level of enjoyment from anal play as others. In some cases, both men and women who were sexually abused as children may have extremely negative reactions to anal sex play or stimulation. In other cases, they may have grown up in families that stressed anything “down there” was “nasty” and no explorations were permitted. In this case, it's not a physical or psychological issue, but a societal one. So—does enjoying your rear end “make” you gay? No. It does however, increase your options for sexual pleasure. However, if your primary interest is in attracting the attention of other men by displaying your rear end and fantasizing penetration, then you're definitely moving away from the “Zero” category of the Kinsey Scale (exclusively heterosexual) and moving over to the bisexual or gay sections. As I've written before, the Kinsey Scale (Where an individual who is classified as a Kinsey Zero has only had heterosexual experiences, and a Kinsey Six has only had same-sex experiences, with everyone else falling into Two, Three, Four, or Five) was developed more than half a century ago, and is very limited. It only measures actual sexual behavior, and not, for example, sexual fantasies. Just so, if you are a man married to a woman and you have her penetrate you with a dildo while you imagine you're being penetrated by a man—you will still be considered a Kinsey Zero. More modern tools, like the Klein Grid, look at several factors in relationships. A male may prefer to only socialize with other men (so he would have a high score on “homo-social”) but if he doesn't want to have sex with other men, he would have a low score on “homo-sexual” behavior. This can get complicated, and one of the reasons why some men (or women) don't feel a common label really suits them. This is why “self-identification” is yet another category, where some people will comfortably identify as gay, while someone else who has the same behavior, will not.  This can explain why you might feel curvy women are attractive, but you may not desire them sexually.  Also, for those who grew up in sexually repressive families or societies (which includes most Americans) this is one of the major attractions of being submissive. It's the idea “If I give over control of my sexuality (or my waistline—or in your case—your ass) to someone else, I don't have to feel any guilt about what happens because I'm not in control of the situation—he/she is. This is one of the reasons it's a very common fantasy in the gaining community to be force-fed, or kidnapped by a dominant feeder who will order you to become whatever size he or she wants you to be. Let me emphasize this is not just about the gaining community—the same dynamic will be found in the Leather/S&M communities as well.
2. 
   Well, if you think about it, everyone who has had “gay sex” was a gay sex virgin at one point. Here's what I suggest to those who want to explore this. Go organic. Buy a package of condoms. Buy veggies (such as cucumbers or zucchinis) of various sizes. Purchase small ones (like the size of your finger) as well as larger ones. Also buy lube. “Glove” your vegetable with a condom and be generous with the lube. Start small as you get used to the sensation of using this as an organic dildo. Concentrate on learning to relax as much as possible, because a tightened sphincter can cause discomfort. Obviously you can also use your fingers to explore this, but since you eventually want a human partner, it's best to train yourself with an object that is separate from yourself, and your fingers also have nerves and sensations, so you'd be conditioning yourself in a very different way. By all means, once you've gotten some experience with this, consider investing in some sex toys, such as the vibrators I've mentioned, or dildos. If you're uncomfortable going into a sex shop, in the Internet age, sex toys are just a click away on your laptop. But again, I want to emphasize you start off training yourself to associate pleasure with the use of a condom and lube while being penetrated. The other vital lube—is communication. Once you've become experienced with condom covered cucumbers or vibrators, when you're ready to have a human partner, you'll be in a much better position to let him know how to best satisfy you. Don't let him try to mind read you—tell him specifically what sort of things you enjoy. My first Lover/Signficant Other swore by the idea that if the partner who is penetrating simultaneously masturbates the guy being penetrated, using the same rhythm, the results are irresistible. To be frank, while this is extremely pleasurable to a number of partners, it isn't the ultimate turn on for everyone, which is why being able to speak clearly about expectations and what you'd like to experience is so important. Also, some tops are very excited about being “your first,” but other tops have very strict personal rules that they don't want to deal with a virgin, because of past negative experiences with virgins who haven't done any of the “prep work” I've been suggesting. Also, don't hesitate to use your Internet skills to investigate the details of anal sex, including issues of hygiene.
3. 
   Human beings can be very complicated. Based on the theory of the Love Map, for example, at an early age, there can be an erotic fusion between sexuality and feeling stuffed or fat. If I had a dollar for every adult gainer who has told me he or she used to stuff pillows under their clothes when they were children to pretend to be fat, I could have retired several years ago. For someone else the fusion may occur between sexuality and feeding/fattening someone. Just so, in the gaining community, you can get someone who is exclusively a gainer and someone who is exclusively a feeder. You will also encounter individuals who will completely focus on gaining, or belly play, rather than having a genital expression of sexuality. While I've been talking about gay, straight, or bisexual people, there's also a fourth category that often gets left out in these sorts of discussion—and those are the asexuals. I've encountered a number of asexual members of the gaining community, who don't have an interest in being sexually (genitally) involved with others, but may have a romantic interest in a partner, or want a partner to exclusively feed him or her, or do belly/ass play. For more information on asexuals, you might want to check out www.asexuality.org.

Finally—going back to your personal issues of yo-yoing back and forth as a reaction to others, I'll tell you what I tell to so many others. You often have to find out what you don't want in order to find out what you do want. You don't want to change your body to please someone else. Don't think of your weight yo-yoing as being a failure, but as an exploration. The other physical reality is you've listed your age as 19. Humans don't tend to achieve full adult growth until around the age of 24. This means it's quite likely your waist and ass are not going to be the size when you're say, 25, that they are now while you're in your late teens. Find out what brings you pleasure and a sense of ownership of your own body. If this means having a bigger ass, then (metaphorically) embrace a bubble butt and celebrate yourself. As I was explaining to another young person, what often is one of the most powerul way of attracting a partner is to feel good about yourself and to radiate self-confidence. This combination can often outweigh the latest fashion or a body you've spent years shaping in a way you think will turn others on. And trust me—feeling good about yourself and having self-confidence can last a lifetime, in a way a full head of beautiful hair may not. My Significant Other's grandmother is 85 years old and flew down to visit us a few weeks ago and what struck me the most was how beautiful and elegant she is.  Best of luck in becoming the man you want to be.

I Think I'm A Married Bisexual And I Want To Gain

Hi. I think you may be the only one I can turn to. I'm 55 yo and a frustrated gainer. I am married to a woman. I think I am bi-sexual. I want to get fat with a huge belly. I have been this way all my life. But I am becoming insane about wanting to gain and being afraid to gain. I masturbate almost everyday after looking at fat guys on the net. It is on my mind 24/7 now. I feel than if I have to live the rest of my life like this...I will go mad or worst. I afraid to meet with fat guys to share the gaining but am afraid my wife will find out. Why am I like this? I have been fit my whole life. I am so concerned with what people think of my body. I just want to be free to be me. I will never be happy until I can be fat and not worry what people think. I want to share my fatness with other guys.  thank you.

*******

A long time ago I met a friend who was married for seven years. There's something called “Thebestlittleboyintheworld” syndrome. This happens when someone (and trust me, there are “Thebestlittlegirlintheworld” syndrome folks as well) fears if the world (or their family, their friends, or their employers) find out they are “X” (and here, “X” can be gay, bisexual, Catholic, Muslim, hearing impaired, or all sorts of identities some may dislike) they will be rejected. Then the idea is--”If I am perfect enough in other areas of my life, then I won't be rejected when my “X” identity is discovered.

My friend was very successful about being “perfect” in every part of his life that he felt would make him accepted. This included being financially successful, admired for his charity work, and being active in his Church. Twice a week for seven years he saw a psychiatrist because of his fixation on gay fantasies. Twice a week for seven years, his psychiatrist told him, “It's ok for you to have these fantasies as long as you don't act out on them.” Did I mention the psychiatrist also gave him antidepressants for seven years? For seven years he smiled a lot but he was never happy.

After seven years, he saw a gay psychiatrist. During the first session the new psychiatrist told him, “There's nothing wrong with you. You're gay.”

My friend then divorced his wife, quit his job, and went on an around the world trip. This isn't the guy version of “Eat, Pray, Love,” where he lived happily ever after following the one visit to a gay psychiatrist—but he was a lot happier and healthier than when he was before he saw the gay psychiatrist.

If you are as unhappy and as troubled as you have shared—I would highly recommend you seek professional help---and I would definitely urge you to locate a gay or bisexual therapist who specializes in working with lesbian, gay, or bisexual clients. From a legal and an ethical perspective what I can offer you is not therapy—but educational information. After 55 years of living your life the way you have, you need someone you trust who will be there for you on a regular basis to help you find your path in a way I can't do over the Internet. I would suggest you go to http://www.aasect.org the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. They have a directory of professionals who are specially trained in working with sexuality issues in a way conventional therapists are not, so you don't have to waste seven years with a clueless psychiatrist like my friend.

It's important for you to understand you are trying to deal with two very different issues—one is your sexual orientation, and the other is your “kink” of wanting to gain weight. Trust me, there are straight people who have a gaining kink—you can find lots of them at a site like www.fantasyfeeder.com. There are gay or bisexual males who have a gaining kink. You need a guide who can separate these two different realities out to help you deal with them appropriately.

My friend who is gay and married to a woman was in a situation a lot of closeted gay men have experienced over generations—caring emotionally for his wife, but not being able to relate to her on a sexual level. This led them to both of them being unhappy in their relationship and delayed them for almost a decade from finding appropriate partners they could fully love on all levels.

If you are indeed bisexual, then this means you have the capacity of loving your wife on all levels, including the sexual, other than (at least at this time) involving the gaining kink. A true male bisexual who is married to a woman can have sexual attraction to another man, but can choose not to act on those attractions, just as a straight married man can have sexual attraction to women—but can choose not to act on them, and end up unfaithful to his wife. This is a fundamental issue of fidelity. It does not matter the gender of the person with whom you cheat on your wife—it's still considered cheating and can have the same destructive impact on your marriage. Based on years of my experience as a Family Therapist, it can be more devastating for a woman to discover her bisexual husband is cheating on her with another man than to find out he's been involved with another woman. This boils down to the idea, “If it's another woman, then I can try to change or improve to keep my husband, but there's no way I can compete with another man.” There is also the possibility you are not bisexual, but gay—and this is again, something a trained professional can help you explore. If it does turn out that you're gay and will end up separating from your wife, there are support groups both “live” and on-line that can be a tremendous resource to your wife by talking with other spouses who married gay or lesbian partners.

There's a classic work done by Gail Sheehy, who has done research on the various stages adults experience. You can find out more at: www.gailsheehy.com/passages.php The idea is, early on, a young adult will choose a path—like being say, a doctor. All his or her energy is devoted to learning this career. This also means putting aside all the other choices or paths possible, like being a musician. Later on, after closing all the other doors, there is a question that emerges--”Did I make the right decision for myself?” This is when what we call a “mid-life crisis” can happen—when there's a terrifying thought of, “Did I make the wrong choice?” In the 50's—where you are now—there's an exploration of what other paths could have been chosen. This is again, why having an experienced therapist to help guide you in your explorations is so important. And it may well be, after a lot of thought, you decide to stay on the path you've been on. But there also may be an acceptance of—this is not a path I want to continue—I want to open a different door.

Here's what I tell a lot of people—when you spend years of your life trying to not be the person you really feel you are—whether it's being fat, or gay—it means you expend a large amount of emotional energy to be whatever you are not. That sounds a lot like what you've been experiencing. It can be exhausting—and draining—to invest so much of your emotional energy to not be who you are. This is also what many men in their 50's face—how much longer am I capable of denying my true self? Have I really been happy with my life and my choices? If not—is it really worthwhile for me to spend the rest of my life being really unhappy?

As an American Indian, I have been taught from childhood “Only earth and sky last forever”--which means we are never promised a tomorrow. There is another American Indian proverb--”Today is a good day to die.” It's an ideal, where one lives one's life with the idea—"if I were to die today, I would have no regrets.” If I were to die today, I have told the people I love—that I love them—if I found out I was going to be killed in the next few hours, I would not be overcome with grief that I did not tell a person I love that I indeed loved them. If I have hurt someone, I have done what I can to help heal our relationship. If I were to die today, I would not be thinking, “If only I had tried to make right what was wrong between us.”

In your own situation, if you were (God/Goddess forbid) to die tomorrow, would you regret that you never, ever even tried to gain weight, if that has been something you wanted to do for many years—but did not allow yourself to experience? And let's face it—you are your own “jailer” in this—it's not your wife or your parent, or your employer who stands over you everyday and screams at you to never gain a single pound. It's only you.

In therapy, there's a simple “jingle” that goes “What you resist will persist.” This means the more you invest in attempting NOT to do something, the more energy you put into the idea of doing it. Let me give you an example—the best predictor of whether or not you'll be an alcoholic is if you come from an alcoholic family. A real no-brainer,right? Do you know the second best predictor of whether or not you'll become an alcoholic? If you come from a tee-totaling family, where alcohol is not allowed in the home where you grow up. It's like a stick—on one end is alcohol, and on the opposite end is abstinence—but it's the same stick. By the way, this is why abstinence sex education is such a disaster in schools. If I tell you not to think about something—sex/alcohol/gaining--then that's exactly what you think about. And I would suggest that's been what you've experienced. Someone who keeps up an internal dialog of “I'm not going to drink, I'm not going to drink...” is very likely to end up drinking. An internal dialog of “I'm not going to gain, I'm not going to gain...” is going to keep you glued to a computer screen looking at men's bellies.

Let me also add—there's something in psychology called “projection.” The fact you look at male bellies on a computer screen and masturbate does not necessarily mean you want to have sex with those men. Many straight men are aroused by other men's bellies, but don't desire to have sex with the owners of the bellies---they want to have a belly of their own. This is like sports fans who wants to BE their sports hero—but they don't want to have sex with him. A fan of James Bond movies may want to BE James Bond, but they don't want to have sex with him.

So—let me review—you have two important—but separate issues. One is your potential bisexuality—the other is your gaining kink. If you want to stay faithful to your wife, then acting out your sexual desires with another male is off the table, just in the same way having sex with another woman is off the table as an option—if you value your marriage and fidelity. And this is something that you should really discuss with a qualified and supportive therapist or counselor. It may be that the best and healthiest choice for both you and your wife is to end your marriage and have both of you find more appropriate partners who can be available on all levels to each other. Let me emphasize—as a Family Therapist specializing in Couples, I have met many who have spent literally years being miserable by staying in an unsatisfying and unhappy marriage—basically because they feel they “ought” to stay married. If they have children, then they model for the children—marriage is a miserable and unhappy relationship where both husband and wife suffer. This is why “staying together on behalf of the kids” is such an ultimately awful idea—you end up with another generation of terrible marriages.

Now—back to the “kink.” Trust me, as with many kinks, there are some things that a loving partner is not going to be “into.” I've encountered “tons” of folks with a gainer kink who are in a relationship with a partner who can't really connect or fully understand the kink. A couple of generations ago, a married couple often handled this by what we call in psychology, “compartmentalization.” For example, a husband had a “den” or spent a lot of time in a “fixed up” garage, where both spouses had “private time.” In those days, a wife had a “sewing room.” I would suggest this is what you're doing now. You use your “private time” to go on-line and get your “male belly fix.” If you read through the forums on a site like www.fantasyfeeder.com, you'll find a lot of married men who state they are happy with their marriage, and are not looking for a sexual or romantic partner, but can't get all their needs met in their everyday relationship. Sites like Fantasyfeeder give them a “safe” outlet to discuss things they don't feel as if they can talk about with their spouses. Is this anymore like “cheating” than a guy who has a beer with a few male friends Friday after work, and talks about some of the things that have frustrated him during the week?

In the best of all possible worlds, a wife or spouse is supportive of one's desires and kinks. But we don't always live in an ideal world. As a therapist, I've often found that the “terrible secret” that has been concealed for decades in a relationship--”I want to be fat/I want to wear a woman's panties” may be something that feels odd to a spouse—but may elicit a reaction, of “that's interesting/that's different,” but not, “Oh, my god, you're going to rot in hell for even thinking that.” It's like what a lot of gay or lesbian people discover after years of concealing their sexual orientation who then come out and find out people already knew, or that they didn't care—they only wanted their son/daughter/friend to be happy.

You're in your mid-fifties. Ever hear of middle-aged spread? I would suggest you take some baby steps. Make a deliberate decision to gain say, ten pounds. In my experience, most people won't notice you've gained 10 pounds (unless you are say, five feet tall, where ten pounds will make a bigger difference proportionately than it will if you're 5'10 or over 6 feet tall). Experience what it feels like to not exhaust yourself emotionally by staying a slimmer size that does not please you.

And here's the important thing. Don't force your wife to be a mind-reader. If she's been married to you for a long time and you do something very uncharacteristic, a lot of things may go through her mind. Many of these will be along the theme of “Did I do something wrong? Is he unhappy with me?” Instead, be upfront and honest. Walk in to the living room after dinner with a bowl of ice cream and say, “You know, I've spent decades trying to pretend I'm still 30 with a 30 inch waist. I'm finally at the point of my life where I'm so tired of denying myself any sort of pleasure because I was afraid I'd be fat or have people look and me and think, “wow, he's 55.” Take a bite and then say, “you'll still love me, even if I don't have a 30 inch waist, won't you?”

Then if you gain weight, she'll have a point of reference that you feel comfortable and safe enough with her to just relax and let yourself actually be a 55plus year old husband, rather than one who is doing his best to pretend he's still a young guy trying to maintain a body he thinks other women will find attractive. I can't speak for your wife—but having worked with many women over the years, some are actually relieved when their husband starts to expand because it makes them believe he's not “on the prowl” for a new partner.

And you may discover after going up a pants size or two, there will be a sense of relief and you find you don't really want to be 300 pounds—but you're happy just being a little chubbier—you'll never know until you take that first step/bite. Trust me—many people with a a gainer kink have fantasies of being huge—but soon discover it's a much better fantasy than it is a reality. And if you enjoy that bowl of ice cream, or a box of girl scout cookies and you have to let your belt out a notch—share that proudly with your wife and tell her how much better it feels to really be enjoying yourself. Don't mention it once and then drop the subject. If your relationship is a comfortable one, then tell her you're going to take her out for a sundae. Deliberately involve her in your indulgence—this can really jump start romance in your marriage, which can be a win/win for the both of you.

I only wish you the best.

How Do I Get A Beer Belly Without Beer?

Hey, I have read your posts for a while now and think You give good advice. I would like to grow the classic beer belly older teenagers get but being underaged and not having much access to alcohol I would like you help telling me how to still get the beer belly sort if thing.


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Well, one of the terms we use in the health profession--you have what is called a "self-limiting condition"--which means you'll grow out of it.  You will, at one point, no longer be underaged.


That's the good (although delayed) news.  But here's the more complicated response:


A)  A lot of your fat deposits are genetically determined.  That just means some people tend to gain weight in specific areas (like a belly) and others will tend to add pounds in say, their rear end and thighs.  You'll usually see this as described as "apples" (those who get the ball/beer belly look you admire) and "pears"--those who stay relatively small "on top" and then widen at the hips and thighs.  And some people just basically get fat all over.

B)  The other thing you won't be able to control to your satisfaction is whether or not you have "visceral fat" or "subcutaneous fat."  People genetically programmed for visceral fat store fat internally around their organs.  This will usually "push" out  those inside parts, which is how a beer belly or ball belly will develop.  If you watch fat guys on Youtube, these are the ones who will smack their round bellies and very little moves.  In the illustration on the left, the guy is pushing against a belly with visceral fat---notice how his hand isn't "sinking in."  A fat guy with subcutaneous fat stores his fat underneath the skin.  When you watch a fat guy on Youtube with a soft and flabby belly that jiggles when he shakes it--he's got the genes for subcutaneous fat.  These are the guys who can grab a handful (or a slab) of gut without a problem.

C)  "Beerbelly" - although a commonly used term, is not a direct result of beer itself--but excess calories, and it doesn't really matter where the excess calories come from.  I know of only one study that linked alcohol consumption and high fat foods (think drinking beer and eating french fries or potato chips) with fat being stored around the middle.  But I've never seen the study replicated, and trust me, there are many well bellied men (and women) who have never had a beer in their lives.  You have to realize as well--guys who blame their bellies on the beer they drink are often doing it with friends in a pub/bar.  Alcohol tends to lower inhibitions, as does being with friends, so it's much more likely they'll not only be drinking beer (and most likely drink more than if they were at home by themselves) but getting  loads of excess calories from unlimited chicken wings or nachos, and then finishing the pitcher of beer.  Does this make sense?  It's not the beer itself that blows up a belly--it's all the other things associated with going out and sucking the beers (and junk food) down in a social setting.


D)  Look around at your extended family to see what sort of genetic potential you have.  If you see a lot of the men among your cousins, uncles, father, grandfather, etc., with a ball belly, then your chances are excellent you're going to turn out the same way.  If most of the men in your family end up "pear-shaped," well, you better hope your mother has passed on "apple" genes.


E)  The bottom line--you don't need beer (at any age) to expand your waistline.  One option, that adds a healthier combination of calories would be keeping a loaf of bed in your room, along with a jar of peanut butter and honey (or nutrella)--these don't really need refrigeration, so if you're not living on your own, you don't have to make several trips a night into the kitchen.  You can indulge in the privacy of your bedroom.  Two or three of these sandwiches every night before you go to bed (which combine carbs, protein, and a type of sugar, along with the fat content of peanut butter) will help you outgrow your pants.  A number of gainers also suggest trying to wear your pants lower down on from your bellybutton to encourage the "potbelly" look usually associated with a "beerbelly."  If you have a smaller ass in comparison to your growing belly, many gainers suggest rather than using a belt to hold your pants up, use suspenders instead.  You give your belly room to grow without having your pants fall off. 


Good luck!