I'm Gaining-But What If My Wife Doesn't Like It?

So after reading a bunch of posts and participating in a gender preference survey somewhere on (a gaining) site, it seems like straight guys are in the minority here.  I'm one of them -- also married -- and I wonder how other guys' wives took the gaining thing and how they're dealing with that. I'd also be interested in hearing from gay men whose partners are pushing back against the gain...my hunch is that every guy has to deal with more or less the same set of issues regardless of their partner's gender (although I'm thinking women might be less tolerant than men would be -- that's a complete and possibly incorrect guess, though). I was in good shape when we got married, and I was in even better shape until I started packing on the pounds very recently (and VERY quickly). So there have no been no major conflicts yet...just wondering how you guys dealt with the uncooperative partner thing since I expect to start getting some grief about the increased food consumption and weight gain very soon. I have no interest in disguising or hiding it, but I also question the wisdom of coming right out and telling her what's going on...not a great idea, imo. Thoughts/suggestions? ********* Well, the truth is, there simply isn't enough research on gaining and relationships for me to be able to provide appropriate data on this. The truth is, our society "trains" males to be more aggressive and active in terms of dealing more directly with sexuality, which means gay men are more likely to have a greater number of "kinky" sites (including gaining ones) than females--for one reason, since gays are in the minority, they have to work harder to find an appropriate partner, where a heterosexual male will have a lot more options. Just so, I can think of several male gaining sites, but fewer female gaining sites, and the female ones are more focused on connecting a heterosexual pair. The upshot of this can make a straight man who dips his toe into the gaining world feel as if he's in the minority on a male oriented gaining site, and if he explores a heterosexual focused site, he'll often feel most of the men there are trying to establish a relationship with a woman, and if he is seeking a female who shares the kink--he's got a lot of competition. A male in a relationship who wants to gain won't always find a lot of support from the female members of the site, especially if they're on-line in the hopes of finding a boyfriend/partner. There are certainly segment of the gay population, where fat guys are as unwelcome as a fat female model on most fashion runways.  But just as there are "plus sized" models who are prized within that context, there are gay men who are celebrated for their bellybuilding success. When you move out of needing a body to look or move in a certain way--so if you're not a professional model or a professional athlete, there's not the same level of expectation when you operate within a more generalized community. Obesity rates among adults, and especially children are increasing, so not looking like a fitness model is simply normal.  The bottom line--you can have a satisfactory relationship in any community no matter what your waist size is.  However, the audience that appreciates you as someone with a 32 inch waist is not necessarily the same audience that will applaud a man with a 47 inch waist.  The same way, if you're 20, you'll have a certain appreciative audience, but you might have a different audience that appreciates you when you're in your 50s.  However, as someone who has worked as a therapist for both male couples and male/female couples (I've done research with female couples, but not therapy with them)--here's what I feel is most important about why you are writing me: If I am in a relationship with you and you do “X” behavior, then it's most likely I will internalize the idea “If I did this behavior, it would mean “Y” for me.” And that would be very accurate. But the truth is, behavior “X” may mean something very different for me than it means for my partner/spouse. One of the things that frequently leads someone into therapy is when one spouse thinks, “Oh, my god—he/she is doing this and this means 'Z,' when the behavior actually means “W” or “Q” for the partner. I've mentioned before, one of my mentors was a very famous therapist named Virginia Satir. She had written about early on in her marriage, taking a beef roast and cutting it in half and cooking it in two separate roasting pots. When her husband asked, “Why are there two different roasts?” --she honestly told him she didn't know—it was simply what her mother had always done. When she actually asked her mother, “Why did you always cook a pot roast in two separate pots?” The mother responded, “Well, when I first married your father, I didn't have a pot large enough for a roast, so I would cut it in half and cook it in two pots.” On a personal disclosure level, as a child, whenever we had guests, my mom would fix a dinner where there would be a salad that included radishes. Personally, I don't like the taste of fresh radishes (and in full-full disclosure, decades later I discovered if I roasted radishes that had been tossed with olive oil and garlic, they tasted really good) but as an adult on my own, whenever I had guests I would automatically fix a salad and add fresh radishes. After being trained by Virginia, I suddenly realized—A) I hate the taste of fresh radishes; and B) my mother wasn't the one inviting people to my home for dinner. With that realization, I never put fresh radishes into a salad again, and I lived happily ever after, and I suspect my guests weren't unhappy. The truth? My mom liked the taste of fresh radishes, but no one else in our family did, so the only time she felt she could please herself was to toss fresh radishes in on behalf of guests. I know of absolutely no scientific study or proof heterosexual women who are married to men are going to be more judgmental about their partners gaining than gay men are (with the possible exception of women under contract to the Bravo Network to be “Real Housewives” of one city or another). I am much more aware of observations of a cross-cultural nature (which I have mentioned before) where there's a strong expectation after a couple is married, a husband will gain weight. This signals to the family and the community the couple is happy together; the husband is not doing his best to attract another sexual partner; the couple (because, especially if the wife has given birth and kept the “pregnancy fat/additional weight”) is considered by the community to have socially shifted from being basically adolescents to being adults. And in these cultures, adolescents are thought of as being underdeveloped, skinny people, and adults are considered to be “solid citizens” which means they are a lot wider and well fed than teenagers. After years of experience of being a Family Therapist, what I find over and over again, is when one member of a couple changes a behavior without discussing it with his/her partner. this then leads to the other partner to have to mindread/project “Oh, my gosh—this new behavior must mean “X,” --even if it doesn't. To put it in simple terms...if you're in a relationship and you have always wanted to gain weight, and you start to do so, then tell your partner directly what your weight gain means. Don't make him or her try to interpret what your increasing waistline means. Years ago, a close female friend of mine married a man and in the first three months together, he gained 30 pounds—that's (duh) 10 pounds a month. She would cook dinner (she had a number of children from a previous marriage) and leave what wasn't eaten on the stove and he would eat all the leftovers. Where I'm going with this—she didn't set out to fatten him—she simply did what she had done for years. When she mentioned this to me, I observed, “Well if this keeps up at the rate you report, at the end of your first year together, he'll be 120 pounds heavier than when you first met.” Actually, at the end of their first year together, he was 80 pounds heavier than when they first got together. What I'd like you to take away from this—if you're gaining and you're happy about it—then let your wife know you're aware of the fact you're gaining and you're happy with it and your relationship with her. It makes a “huge” (pun here) difference if you tell her directly, “I love you, and it feels so good to not have to try to keep the overly athletic shape I thought would attract you when that never mattered to me. I like being a big and powerful looking guy—I've always wanted to be this guy. And I am so happy to be married to someone who loves me for myself and not what pants size I wear. I'm so happy with our relationship, and the fact you love and accept me for who I am and want to be.” Don't assume all wives want a husband who looks like the years younger guy she married. In my experience with a lot of gainers, look at the spouse's father/mother—extended family. If they aren't skinny, then there's a family history that has taught—when you are in love and in coupledom, your partner shouldn't look skinny. If he/she started skinny, but expanded, then this fits the family pattern a happy couple means at least one member of the family porks out. So—again--what you need to take away from this—if being well bellied is what pleases you, then be direct and explain to your partner/wife/domestic partner, being fatter means not only being happier for you, but means you're in a relationship with someone you deeply love and you appreciate will support you no matter what size you are. I mentioned to someone in another post who is in a similar situation--don't just tell your wife you're happy with getting fatter once, and never mention it again.  If you are around friends, don't wait for them to mention the fact you're suddenly a lot larger.  Laugh and pat your new gut and say, "Yeah, I'm a big boy now! I got tired of denying myself the things I enjoy, the way I did for years.  I'm happy--I'm with someone I love, and who loves me. I'm realized I didn't want to look like I model men's clothing, or like I'm looking for a new girlfriend."  Then smile, look at your wife, and say in front of your friends, "And who can stay skinny with someone who's such a good cook?"  As I've reported before, a lot of partners or families who freak out about weight gain are influenced by major media reports weight gain automatically means “poor health” rather than the idea a person can be bigger and healthy. It's critical for you to distinguish between a spouse/partner condemning your weight gain based on their fear of harming your body vs. a spouse/partner condemning you for not looking like you used to look when you first got together. I'm going to take a wild guess your wife doesn't look in 2012 what she looked like on your wedding day. That doesn't mean you want to dump her. In healthy, long term relationships, your partner loves you for you—your behaviors and your personality—not for your waist size, or your hair (or lack of it) or your wrinkle-smooth skin. In a long term relationship, if your partner was first attracted by your hairline, your abs, or your smooth skin—a long term relationship means you stay around because you really love your partner, and changes in his/her skin tone, waist size, or hairline aren't  deal breakers. If such issues are a deal breaker—well, maybe—just maybe—you didn't get involved in a healthy and long term relationship.