I Think I'm A Married Bisexual And I Want To Gain

Hi. I think you may be the only one I can turn to. I'm 55 yo and a frustrated gainer. I am married to a woman. I think I am bi-sexual. I want to get fat with a huge belly. I have been this way all my life. But I am becoming insane about wanting to gain and being afraid to gain. I masturbate almost everyday after looking at fat guys on the net. It is on my mind 24/7 now. I feel than if I have to live the rest of my life like this...I will go mad or worst. I afraid to meet with fat guys to share the gaining but am afraid my wife will find out. Why am I like this? I have been fit my whole life. I am so concerned with what people think of my body. I just want to be free to be me. I will never be happy until I can be fat and not worry what people think. I want to share my fatness with other guys.  thank you.

*******

A long time ago I met a friend who was married for seven years. There's something called “Thebestlittleboyintheworld” syndrome. This happens when someone (and trust me, there are “Thebestlittlegirlintheworld” syndrome folks as well) fears if the world (or their family, their friends, or their employers) find out they are “X” (and here, “X” can be gay, bisexual, Catholic, Muslim, hearing impaired, or all sorts of identities some may dislike) they will be rejected. Then the idea is--”If I am perfect enough in other areas of my life, then I won't be rejected when my “X” identity is discovered.

My friend was very successful about being “perfect” in every part of his life that he felt would make him accepted. This included being financially successful, admired for his charity work, and being active in his Church. Twice a week for seven years he saw a psychiatrist because of his fixation on gay fantasies. Twice a week for seven years, his psychiatrist told him, “It's ok for you to have these fantasies as long as you don't act out on them.” Did I mention the psychiatrist also gave him antidepressants for seven years? For seven years he smiled a lot but he was never happy.

After seven years, he saw a gay psychiatrist. During the first session the new psychiatrist told him, “There's nothing wrong with you. You're gay.”

My friend then divorced his wife, quit his job, and went on an around the world trip. This isn't the guy version of “Eat, Pray, Love,” where he lived happily ever after following the one visit to a gay psychiatrist—but he was a lot happier and healthier than when he was before he saw the gay psychiatrist.

If you are as unhappy and as troubled as you have shared—I would highly recommend you seek professional help---and I would definitely urge you to locate a gay or bisexual therapist who specializes in working with lesbian, gay, or bisexual clients. From a legal and an ethical perspective what I can offer you is not therapy—but educational information. After 55 years of living your life the way you have, you need someone you trust who will be there for you on a regular basis to help you find your path in a way I can't do over the Internet. I would suggest you go to http://www.aasect.org the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. They have a directory of professionals who are specially trained in working with sexuality issues in a way conventional therapists are not, so you don't have to waste seven years with a clueless psychiatrist like my friend.

It's important for you to understand you are trying to deal with two very different issues—one is your sexual orientation, and the other is your “kink” of wanting to gain weight. Trust me, there are straight people who have a gaining kink—you can find lots of them at a site like www.fantasyfeeder.com. There are gay or bisexual males who have a gaining kink. You need a guide who can separate these two different realities out to help you deal with them appropriately.

My friend who is gay and married to a woman was in a situation a lot of closeted gay men have experienced over generations—caring emotionally for his wife, but not being able to relate to her on a sexual level. This led them to both of them being unhappy in their relationship and delayed them for almost a decade from finding appropriate partners they could fully love on all levels.

If you are indeed bisexual, then this means you have the capacity of loving your wife on all levels, including the sexual, other than (at least at this time) involving the gaining kink. A true male bisexual who is married to a woman can have sexual attraction to another man, but can choose not to act on those attractions, just as a straight married man can have sexual attraction to women—but can choose not to act on them, and end up unfaithful to his wife. This is a fundamental issue of fidelity. It does not matter the gender of the person with whom you cheat on your wife—it's still considered cheating and can have the same destructive impact on your marriage. Based on years of my experience as a Family Therapist, it can be more devastating for a woman to discover her bisexual husband is cheating on her with another man than to find out he's been involved with another woman. This boils down to the idea, “If it's another woman, then I can try to change or improve to keep my husband, but there's no way I can compete with another man.” There is also the possibility you are not bisexual, but gay—and this is again, something a trained professional can help you explore. If it does turn out that you're gay and will end up separating from your wife, there are support groups both “live” and on-line that can be a tremendous resource to your wife by talking with other spouses who married gay or lesbian partners.

There's a classic work done by Gail Sheehy, who has done research on the various stages adults experience. You can find out more at: www.gailsheehy.com/passages.php The idea is, early on, a young adult will choose a path—like being say, a doctor. All his or her energy is devoted to learning this career. This also means putting aside all the other choices or paths possible, like being a musician. Later on, after closing all the other doors, there is a question that emerges--”Did I make the right decision for myself?” This is when what we call a “mid-life crisis” can happen—when there's a terrifying thought of, “Did I make the wrong choice?” In the 50's—where you are now—there's an exploration of what other paths could have been chosen. This is again, why having an experienced therapist to help guide you in your explorations is so important. And it may well be, after a lot of thought, you decide to stay on the path you've been on. But there also may be an acceptance of—this is not a path I want to continue—I want to open a different door.

Here's what I tell a lot of people—when you spend years of your life trying to not be the person you really feel you are—whether it's being fat, or gay—it means you expend a large amount of emotional energy to be whatever you are not. That sounds a lot like what you've been experiencing. It can be exhausting—and draining—to invest so much of your emotional energy to not be who you are. This is also what many men in their 50's face—how much longer am I capable of denying my true self? Have I really been happy with my life and my choices? If not—is it really worthwhile for me to spend the rest of my life being really unhappy?

As an American Indian, I have been taught from childhood “Only earth and sky last forever”--which means we are never promised a tomorrow. There is another American Indian proverb--”Today is a good day to die.” It's an ideal, where one lives one's life with the idea—"if I were to die today, I would have no regrets.” If I were to die today, I have told the people I love—that I love them—if I found out I was going to be killed in the next few hours, I would not be overcome with grief that I did not tell a person I love that I indeed loved them. If I have hurt someone, I have done what I can to help heal our relationship. If I were to die today, I would not be thinking, “If only I had tried to make right what was wrong between us.”

In your own situation, if you were (God/Goddess forbid) to die tomorrow, would you regret that you never, ever even tried to gain weight, if that has been something you wanted to do for many years—but did not allow yourself to experience? And let's face it—you are your own “jailer” in this—it's not your wife or your parent, or your employer who stands over you everyday and screams at you to never gain a single pound. It's only you.

In therapy, there's a simple “jingle” that goes “What you resist will persist.” This means the more you invest in attempting NOT to do something, the more energy you put into the idea of doing it. Let me give you an example—the best predictor of whether or not you'll be an alcoholic is if you come from an alcoholic family. A real no-brainer,right? Do you know the second best predictor of whether or not you'll become an alcoholic? If you come from a tee-totaling family, where alcohol is not allowed in the home where you grow up. It's like a stick—on one end is alcohol, and on the opposite end is abstinence—but it's the same stick. By the way, this is why abstinence sex education is such a disaster in schools. If I tell you not to think about something—sex/alcohol/gaining--then that's exactly what you think about. And I would suggest that's been what you've experienced. Someone who keeps up an internal dialog of “I'm not going to drink, I'm not going to drink...” is very likely to end up drinking. An internal dialog of “I'm not going to gain, I'm not going to gain...” is going to keep you glued to a computer screen looking at men's bellies.

Let me also add—there's something in psychology called “projection.” The fact you look at male bellies on a computer screen and masturbate does not necessarily mean you want to have sex with those men. Many straight men are aroused by other men's bellies, but don't desire to have sex with the owners of the bellies---they want to have a belly of their own. This is like sports fans who wants to BE their sports hero—but they don't want to have sex with him. A fan of James Bond movies may want to BE James Bond, but they don't want to have sex with him.

So—let me review—you have two important—but separate issues. One is your potential bisexuality—the other is your gaining kink. If you want to stay faithful to your wife, then acting out your sexual desires with another male is off the table, just in the same way having sex with another woman is off the table as an option—if you value your marriage and fidelity. And this is something that you should really discuss with a qualified and supportive therapist or counselor. It may be that the best and healthiest choice for both you and your wife is to end your marriage and have both of you find more appropriate partners who can be available on all levels to each other. Let me emphasize—as a Family Therapist specializing in Couples, I have met many who have spent literally years being miserable by staying in an unsatisfying and unhappy marriage—basically because they feel they “ought” to stay married. If they have children, then they model for the children—marriage is a miserable and unhappy relationship where both husband and wife suffer. This is why “staying together on behalf of the kids” is such an ultimately awful idea—you end up with another generation of terrible marriages.

Now—back to the “kink.” Trust me, as with many kinks, there are some things that a loving partner is not going to be “into.” I've encountered “tons” of folks with a gainer kink who are in a relationship with a partner who can't really connect or fully understand the kink. A couple of generations ago, a married couple often handled this by what we call in psychology, “compartmentalization.” For example, a husband had a “den” or spent a lot of time in a “fixed up” garage, where both spouses had “private time.” In those days, a wife had a “sewing room.” I would suggest this is what you're doing now. You use your “private time” to go on-line and get your “male belly fix.” If you read through the forums on a site like www.fantasyfeeder.com, you'll find a lot of married men who state they are happy with their marriage, and are not looking for a sexual or romantic partner, but can't get all their needs met in their everyday relationship. Sites like Fantasyfeeder give them a “safe” outlet to discuss things they don't feel as if they can talk about with their spouses. Is this anymore like “cheating” than a guy who has a beer with a few male friends Friday after work, and talks about some of the things that have frustrated him during the week?

In the best of all possible worlds, a wife or spouse is supportive of one's desires and kinks. But we don't always live in an ideal world. As a therapist, I've often found that the “terrible secret” that has been concealed for decades in a relationship--”I want to be fat/I want to wear a woman's panties” may be something that feels odd to a spouse—but may elicit a reaction, of “that's interesting/that's different,” but not, “Oh, my god, you're going to rot in hell for even thinking that.” It's like what a lot of gay or lesbian people discover after years of concealing their sexual orientation who then come out and find out people already knew, or that they didn't care—they only wanted their son/daughter/friend to be happy.

You're in your mid-fifties. Ever hear of middle-aged spread? I would suggest you take some baby steps. Make a deliberate decision to gain say, ten pounds. In my experience, most people won't notice you've gained 10 pounds (unless you are say, five feet tall, where ten pounds will make a bigger difference proportionately than it will if you're 5'10 or over 6 feet tall). Experience what it feels like to not exhaust yourself emotionally by staying a slimmer size that does not please you.

And here's the important thing. Don't force your wife to be a mind-reader. If she's been married to you for a long time and you do something very uncharacteristic, a lot of things may go through her mind. Many of these will be along the theme of “Did I do something wrong? Is he unhappy with me?” Instead, be upfront and honest. Walk in to the living room after dinner with a bowl of ice cream and say, “You know, I've spent decades trying to pretend I'm still 30 with a 30 inch waist. I'm finally at the point of my life where I'm so tired of denying myself any sort of pleasure because I was afraid I'd be fat or have people look and me and think, “wow, he's 55.” Take a bite and then say, “you'll still love me, even if I don't have a 30 inch waist, won't you?”

Then if you gain weight, she'll have a point of reference that you feel comfortable and safe enough with her to just relax and let yourself actually be a 55plus year old husband, rather than one who is doing his best to pretend he's still a young guy trying to maintain a body he thinks other women will find attractive. I can't speak for your wife—but having worked with many women over the years, some are actually relieved when their husband starts to expand because it makes them believe he's not “on the prowl” for a new partner.

And you may discover after going up a pants size or two, there will be a sense of relief and you find you don't really want to be 300 pounds—but you're happy just being a little chubbier—you'll never know until you take that first step/bite. Trust me—many people with a a gainer kink have fantasies of being huge—but soon discover it's a much better fantasy than it is a reality. And if you enjoy that bowl of ice cream, or a box of girl scout cookies and you have to let your belt out a notch—share that proudly with your wife and tell her how much better it feels to really be enjoying yourself. Don't mention it once and then drop the subject. If your relationship is a comfortable one, then tell her you're going to take her out for a sundae. Deliberately involve her in your indulgence—this can really jump start romance in your marriage, which can be a win/win for the both of you.

I only wish you the best.