Can I Gain And Be A Good Christian?

Dear Dr. Fatology,

I'm 16, and ever since I was little, always had an interest in overweight people.  In middle school, I found that the interest was only in their stomaches.  I was confused at what I was feeling, because my family is divided by strict Christians on my mom's side, and strict atheists on my dad's side. 

 I myself am a Christian, and try to be a good Christian, but yet I still want to gain when I am older and have a stable income, and have moved out.  I am straight, and I have no interest in anything except stomaches, which is why in freshman year, I researched it and found out about gainers and all that.  I know that not all gainers are gay, and I want to make a decision that I will be happy with, without felling like I'm sinning by giving in to gluttony.  I intend to gain until 35, then lose the weight by 40 or 45, because I know about the health issues. 

 Thanks in advance for your advice.  1. Can I gain and still be a Christian.  2. Can I marry someone who is open to me gaining and then stopping, because I want someone who likes me for who I am. 3. How can I live a normal life with friends and family, or at this point is it not worth it.  Sorry for really asking a lot.

************.

What an interesting set of questions. I have taught at the Illiff School of Theology in Colorado, and the Pacific Lutheran Seminary in Washington State.  As you may know, I am American Indian. I worked for 5 years with an Ecumenical project called One With The Spirit, involving a number of mainstream Christian Churches, and the three traditional paths of spirituality for American Indians in the Pacific NW. In connection with this I also worked with Harvard University for three years as part of an annual conference on Spirituality and Healing. I was part of a group of Native Americans asked by the World Council of Churches to be part of the bicentennial celebration of Australia, working with Australian Aborigines, although I’m sorry to say the leadership of the Council changed before we left, so the meeting did not happen.

While you state you come from a family of “strict Christians,” you don’t share what denomination of Christianity your mother’s side of the family follows.  Saying one is Christian is a bit like saying one is American Indian.  It tells others something general about you, but not a lot of specifics. For example, there are over 500 federally recognized Native Nations/Tribes in the United States alone, which doesn’t include Canadian Native people, or any Indigenous people from Meso-and South America. Catholic belief systems and practices (including not following Church tradition—for example, over 90% of Catholic women in the United States chose to use Birth Control, although this is against Catholic policy) are significantly different from Lutherans (which, for example, allow women priests) or Southern Baptists, who do not permit wine (because of its alcohol content) to be used in communion, where Catholics do.   Southern Baptists teach the “wine” referred to in the Bible is “new wine,” or grape juice, which is what is used in Baptist communion services. 

When I was around 9 years old, I was in Sunday School and after the teacher had introduced the lesson, I asked him about a passage I had read in the Old Testament, which stated a type of a person should be killed. I should mention this was about “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live,” and not about sexuality. The Sunday School teacher told me when Jesus came, he replaced the laws of the Old Testament with the “New Law”—which was basically to believe in Christ, and in John 13:34, Jesus is quoted as saying: “A new commandment I give unto you,  That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” That was a huge relief for me.  Later on, I discovered this is not necessarily the standard belief of the Southern Baptists.

It is also possible as you become an adult you may choose a spiritual path that is a better match to your own heart and spirit than the one your mother’s family follows.  And indeed, you may explore other spiritual paths and end up returning to your own roots at a later time in your life. I remember having lunch with a nun in Canada and we discussed part of the concept of “Free Will,” is that it honors the Creator more to know that you have other options but choose the path of good, rather than to not have any choices and only follow what you might consider to be “God’s Word.”

For many Christians the general media has popularized the concept of the Seven Deadly Sins, of which one is Gluttony. If one looks at the history of Christianity, this isn’t an idea directly from the Bible.  The Bible, however, does quote Solomon (in Proverbs) who stated that the Lord specifically regards “six things the Lord hateth and the seventh His soul detesteth.” These were:

1)     A proud look.

2)      A lying tongue.

3)      Hands that shed innocent blood

4)      A heart that devises wicked plots

5)      Feet that are swift to run into mischief

6)      A deceitful witness that uttereth lies

7)      Him that soweth discord among brethren.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t see gluttony on this list.  It was added by a Greek monk (who listed the “8 Evil Thoughts,”—in Greek) and the monk put them in order from the what he considered the least evil to the most.  Interestingly, he considered gluttony the least evil of these “Evil Thoughts.” After that a number of Catholic scholars did a number of different lists, some of which included gluttony. How closely does your family follow Catholic teachings? If you aren’t Catholic, how important are Catholic teachings to you?

On a deeper level, a number of Christian teachers work from the idea “sin” is doing something that turns your heart from the Creator.  In this way, gluttony can be an evil when it means you have selfishly turned your back to the Creator, or if by concentrating on feeding yourself you deprive other people of their food. A writer from the Gainer community quotes Henry David  Thoreau who indicated “He who distinguishes the true savor of his food can never be a glutton; he who does not cannot be otherwise.” If by “true savor” Thoreau meant when you eat, do you give thanks to the Creator and truly enjoy the experience—then you are not experiencing gluttony. For American Indians, one of the worst things we are taught one can do is to disrespect food. In fact we are raised to never speak ill of food in the food’s presence. We believe when we eat Salmon, for example, the salmon gave up its life for us. Life comes from life, and in our tradition, when we die, we don’t believe in embalming. Our dead bodies are wrapped in deerskin and buried in the ground so our bodies will return to the Earth and nourish the plants, which nourish the animals, which then nourish us, so the Circle of Life can continue. According to Thoreau, as with many American Indians, the concern is celebrating and honoring what the Creator has provided.

To answer your specific questions

1.     1. Can I gain and still be a Christian? Many who identify as Christians see their celebration of their bodies to not challenge their faith. Part of this also ties into what I’ve discussed before—different Christian groups follow different paths in their understanding of what being Christian means. It is, however, my understanding that the ultimate “sin” is that of despair—the idea that you are so evil, that the Creator can never forgive you. Part of the foundation of Christianity is that salvation is always available for those who believe in Christ, and have accepted His Word. In other words, even if you follow a faith that teaches you gaining is gluttony and a sin, there is no sin that cannot be forgiven. There are other teachings that would associate your gaining with other changes to your body, such as choosing to be a bodybuilder, or getting a tan. These are other things that aren’t actually “covered” specifically in the Bible itself. Just so, I'm not so sure gaining is precisely the same thing as gluttony. The Bible verses that do mention gluttony (and they don't mention gaining) are focused on the idea that the end result of gluttony can include being poor, or worshiping your stomach instead of God, which again, doesn't seem to me what gaining itself is all about.

2.       2. Can I marry someone who is open to me gaining and then stopping, because I want someone who likes me for who I am. You know, a lot of women are not as “hung up” on their spouses’ personal appearance as a lot of men are about women’s appearance. It is very common in many cultures to associate weight gain with a happy and successful marriage, so gaining weight is considered a normal part of growing into adulthood.  If your wife becomes pregnant, you will probably gain weight along with her as you share more frequent meals. Gaining weight in this case is a sign to your community your family is successful enough to be able to provide for its members, and that your wife is a good cook. If you remain in a long term relationship, there are all sorts of changes that will happen to the bodies of both you and your wife—which includes changes in body fat percentage, hair loss, wrinkles, etc.  If you really love each other—it’s through sickness and health. In what way does your waist size over the years really differ from how much hair on your head you can (or can’t) grow, or if your face isn’t as smooth when you’re 50 as it is now?

3.      3. How can I live a normal life with friends and family, or at this point is it not worth.  I’m not entirely sure what a “normal life” is, or who gets to define it. I do know it’s usually not appropriate to tell all of your friends, family, and your peers at work what “turns you on,” because sexuality is a very private issue in North American culture.  Just so, you probably don’t want to hear your parents go into great detail in terms of what turns them on in their bedroom. If one considers a “normal life” to be where you get to live in a peaceful and productive way that doesn’t hurt other people, then absolutely I think you can find joy in your life and support others in discovering and manifesting their joy as well. When I look at the words directly accredited to Jesus, here are some that are meaningful in answer to your questions.  Matthew 7:5: “Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.” In other words, if others stand in judgment of you, then they are neglecting the words of the Apostle Paul, who states in Romans 3:23: “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” In other words, from the standpoint of the Bible, we’ve all sinned.  And this is the kicker—if you feel your own “sins” are worse (which means they are greater) than someone else’s—that’s considered “Pride,” which Solomon lists as the first of the “Evil Thoughts,” and the Catholics include as one of the Seven Cardinal/Deadly Sins.

I would also suggest you take a deep breath and the next time you attend the church of your mother, look around and see how many of the members of your congregation and your church leaders are overweight. I’m going to take a wild guess many of them are. Would you judge them as being “sinful” because of their waist size? If things continue to develop as they are going, by the time you are in your 30s, being overweight will be something you will share with the vast majority of Americans. And you know—that is pretty much the definition of “normal,” isn’t it?

Is Gaining/Being Obese A Core Part Of Sexuality?

Hi there,

I had a quick question that I'd be super-appreciative if you could do your best in answering!

I've been attracted to fat guys for as long as I can remember. I've never had any issues with my sexuality, and came out at quite an early age. While none of my actual sexual experiences have been with bigger men, when I fantasise and masturbate it's always about obese guys. It occurred to me recently though that the subject of my fantasies are not sexual, per se - as in it's just about the experience of being fat and the belly/body shape that I fantasise about. I've noticed more recently that this is having an adverse effect on my sex life, because I'm never really wanting to have sex as much as fantasise about being fat (even during the act itself). Do you think gaining/being obese is at its core a sexual experience? Or in your experience are gainers more than satisfied with just their bodies as sexual arousal? Or is it possible that I'm even asexual and only attracted to the idea of my body being obese? 

Thanks for your help!

****************

Well, howdy back! You’ve actually asked a number of questions.  Let me start by saying that based on research in sexuality, many males when masturbating will often “go for the gold”—in other words, if fantasy X is what resulted in the “money shot,” then it’s easiest to replay that particular fantasy. This is like clicking on to your favorite song on your I-pod. You know what you’re going to get, and you enjoy the results. The problem is that the more you use the same fantasy (or a variation of the same fantasy—last time you focused on the image of you’ve ballooned up with another 50 pounds and you keep rubbing your new belly, vs. this time you’ve ballooned up another 50 pounds and you explore how soft and sexy your expanded moobs are) the more you re-enforce that fantasy, so it becomes the “default” of your sexual expression.  The drawback of this is when you’re using a specific fantasy all the time, when you engage with an actual partner, he may not end up fitting the script.  This can also happen to folks who consistently pleasure themselves with sex toys—you can control everything that’s going on—how fast, how hard, how deep—but when you’re with a partner, he won’t be as easily controlled as a dildo.

You might consider expanding not only your waist size, but your repertoire of sexual fantasies. Try not to do the same ones over and over again.  Try using your other hand if you always use the same one when you masturbate.  If you haven’t tried using sex toys, now would be a good time to explore them. And just as long-term couples will often fantasize about being with a different partner, a lot of guys who are into gaining or fat guys who find themselves in bed (or other places) with a partner who isn’t fat or gaining, or even knows about this particular “kink” will find they can’t get to orgasm without either fantasizing their partner is fat (or they put his “face” on top of a known body that’s a turn on) or that they themselves are even fatter than they are.

If, as you wonder, you’re not as attracted to “real life” partners as you used to be, always first look for a physical issue before looking into psychological ones. You don’t mention your age, but after the age of 25, the testosterone level of many men starts a predictable and steep decline, which bitch-slaps the libido. This means a lot less energy and interest is available for seeking out sexual partners.  If you have a good health plan, you should consider getting a physical for your doctor that should include looking at your level of testosterone. If it’s low, your provider can prescribe a cream you apply daily (to your shoulder, btw, not more “sensitive” areas of your body) which can really turn the “horny” faucet back on. Other things that can interfere with your libido are medications you might be taking, or some unsuspected physical problems  that may not be obvious right now, but could be dangerous down the road—this would include being pre-diabetic, or having undiagnosed high blood pressure. Most of these are things that can be “tweaked” by your doctor, and end up with you being a healthier, happier you. Now-back to your specific questions:

Do you think gaining/being obese is at its core a sexual experience? Oh, for some people, without question. But I suspect for the majority of the human population it is not sexual, just as a woman’s shoe may be a huge turn-on for a guy who is “into” women’s shoes, but for most women who are wearing them daily, a shoe is just an often uncomfortable fashion accessory. For some gainers, there is no question that gaining/being obese is a core part of their sexuality. But this isn’t true for all gainers. This is sort of like being gay—it’s a spectrum, not a stick with two ends, where one end is labeled “fat” and the other end is labeled “skinny.” For some gainers, being large is “being in charge.” For some guys who grew up being scrawny and picked on, being big is associated with being powerful and in control of one’s life. For them, gaining/being obese isn’t a sexual function, but more about their self-identity and feeling comfortable in their own (larger) skin.

Or in your experience are gainers more than satisfied with just their bodies as sexual arousal? Again, this is back to a continuum or spectrum—there are many gainers who are more than satisfied with a self-focus on their own body. A sexual partner is fine, but sort of like a “special occasion”—like a fancy dessert, rather than an everyday swing through a fast food place, where the gainer lies back alone, fat, stuffed, and happy. Putting on my therapist hat—our professional concern is that the healthiest individuals tend to be the ones who are able to establish appropriate relationships with other human beings. The focus is to be able to do both—enjoy yourself when alone, but also to enjoy human company

Or is it possible that I'm even asexual and only attracted to the idea of my body being obese? Based on what you’ve shared, I just don’t have enough information to give you the best answer.  My suspicion is no. This is around the idea you’ve had sexual partners in the past, and the experience was not traumatic or boring for you, even if you found you can satisfy yourself more as a “solo act.” Asexual people often find even the idea of having sex with another person to be distasteful or really uninteresting. From what you’ve put into your question, it would seem what you’ve found is that you have a history of being able to interact with other partners, but from a preference standpoint, you’ve discovered you don’t get as much of as sexual charge from these former partners than you do being on your own. This is missing a huge (pun intended) issue here-if you’ve never had a fat/gaining sexual partner—then this is something you should seriously consider.  In the gaining community, there’s a term frequently used of “civilian.” This refers to a partner who is not part of the gaining community, or has no interest in it.  For a lot of gainers for whom gaining/being obese is a “core” part of their sexuality, they rarely find a “civilian” partner will work out in the long run. For guys in this category, having a partner who is a gainer/encourager/fat admirer is a win/win, where you double the chances of your pleasure.

How Do I Avoid The Wrong People Seeing Me?

Question: I want to get in to making videos to show off my gaining but I'm very self contious but I really want feed back plus im afrade that the wrong people will see it so in stead of comments like this "great job" I'll get comments like "hey fag y don't u look at abs like norm people you fat fuck" ive been bulled before and it would destroy me do you have any advise?

Answer: First of all, congratulations on the idea of doing something that will make you happy. I wish I could guarantee you would never get any negative comments, but frankly, that’s one of the “payments” one makes for the benefits of self-posting on the World Wide Web. There will always be some people with personal problems who use the anonymous nature of the Internet to try to pee on someone else’s parade. This isn’t about you, or about whatever body, hair color, ethnicity, or gender you have and present. Our Elders back on the Reservation tell us, “When you point your finger at someone, three fingers point back at you."”

 In other words, a lot of people who comment on a youtube channel in a negative way about someone being gay are often struggling with their own sexual orientation and because they are in pain, strike out at a gay or bisexual guy who is happy with his life. Someone who has negative self-image issues around their own body will attack a happy fat person because the happy fat person is living the secret dream of pleasure the angry person tries to shred, to make the happy person as miserable as they are.

I find a number of gainers will post “If you’re not into seeing a sexy big belly, this video is not for you so move on to another youtube channel (or whatever system you’re using). Negative comments will be deleted.” This is what we call in therapy “predicting a crisis.” If what you don’t want to have happen, happens (you get criticism) you’re prepared to deal with it in a positive and constructive way, and if it doesn’t happen—well, that’s a win-win. And don’t hesitate to delete negative comments, and as you do, think of it the way some people feel about swatting a fly—you realize the fly is just being a fly, but it feels good to get it out of your way.

As for not being recognized—here’s the way a lot of people post so no one will recognize them.

A)     Wear a mask.  In fact, own the mask, in the sense it becomes your “secret identity.” Sure, you can pull a ski mask over your head, but think about a long future of videos that show your success at bellybuilding.  What sort of image do you want to project? Look for a mask on-line or at a costume shop (I don’t know where you live, but in Seattle, my old hometown, there are a few open all-year shops that specialize in all sorts of costumes, theatrical make-up, and masks that range from very inexpensive to really fancy and expensive ones. Pick out one you think you’ll feel comfortable wearing each time you upload a new video and that makes a statement about you. There’s the obvious—a piggy mask, but also think about something big and powerful, like an elephant mask.  Or another favorite for a lot of gainers---turn Batman into Fatman by putting his cowl on your head.

B)    Create a screen name that has no connection to your own regular, everyday life, but relates to the mask you’ll be wearing. When you put in identifying information, put in misleading specifics. List your hometown as say, Eagle, Idaho, where there would be little chance that someone in rural Idaho is going to stumble across your vids, and even if he or she does, they’ll think, “This doesn’t look like anyone I know.  I wonder where in town he lives?” This means, that if you’re in Minneapolis, for example, people in the Twin Cities will just think, “Wow—must be a lot of good food in Idaho.” Also add or subtract a few years from your posted age, so anyone who actually does know the “real” you won’t have a clue who you really are.

C)    Notice how the fellow in the photo wearing his mask is sitting on a very distinctive sofa? Listen, if you’re wanting to disguise yourself by wearing a mask, don’t screw it up by then photographing yourself on something that can be easily identified by anyone who has ever been in your home.  Choose a place to do the video in front of something very generic, like a plain white wall. Don’t do them in your bedroom where the viewer can look behind you and see your bed, where your bedspread or sheets can be seen, or a shelf full of your interesting and unique collection of items that can identify you as you.

D)    Another easy alternative—many gainers simply position the camera so you never see their faces. The one risk you have about doing this that I see happens frequently—the gainer will accidently dip his head and bang—you can see his face. They’ll often miss the fact they’ve done this and upload the video, and all the work they’ve done to hide their identity is thrown out the window. Also--if you have a tattoo or a birthmark that gets exposed when you are shirtless, make sure you either cover such identifiable marks up (for example, if you have a tattoo on your upper arm,  consider wearing long-sleeve shirts that you then unbutton to display your sexy success of a belly--or only shoot from an angle that hides what can identify you. For that matter, you can even do the opposite--buy a set of "temporary tattoos" and every time you do a new video, slap on a fake tattoo so if someone who has seen the video runs across you in "real life" they will see "that video can't be him--the guy in the video has a tattoo on his left arm."

E)     Also—consider uploading your videos in very safe places—like Bellybuilders.com, Fantasyfeeder.com, Beefyfrat.com, Grommr.com, where anyone on the site will most likely be a fat admirer or a gainer himself, so the feedback you’ll get will be positive. You don’t have to limit yourself to only one place to post—a channel like youtube or xtube will provide you a much larger potential audience, but the more people who get to see your videos increases the number of crazy angry people who might leave negative comments.

Good luck—and let me know where I can see your first video J

I'm Gaining-But What If My Wife Doesn't Like It?

So after reading a bunch of posts and participating in a gender preference survey somewhere on (a gaining) site, it seems like straight guys are in the minority here.  I'm one of them -- also married -- and I wonder how other guys' wives took the gaining thing and how they're dealing with that. I'd also be interested in hearing from gay men whose partners are pushing back against the gain...my hunch is that every guy has to deal with more or less the same set of issues regardless of their partner's gender (although I'm thinking women might be less tolerant than men would be -- that's a complete and possibly incorrect guess, though). I was in good shape when we got married, and I was in even better shape until I started packing on the pounds very recently (and VERY quickly). So there have no been no major conflicts yet...just wondering how you guys dealt with the uncooperative partner thing since I expect to start getting some grief about the increased food consumption and weight gain very soon. I have no interest in disguising or hiding it, but I also question the wisdom of coming right out and telling her what's going on...not a great idea, imo. Thoughts/suggestions? ********* Well, the truth is, there simply isn't enough research on gaining and relationships for me to be able to provide appropriate data on this. The truth is, our society "trains" males to be more aggressive and active in terms of dealing more directly with sexuality, which means gay men are more likely to have a greater number of "kinky" sites (including gaining ones) than females--for one reason, since gays are in the minority, they have to work harder to find an appropriate partner, where a heterosexual male will have a lot more options. Just so, I can think of several male gaining sites, but fewer female gaining sites, and the female ones are more focused on connecting a heterosexual pair. The upshot of this can make a straight man who dips his toe into the gaining world feel as if he's in the minority on a male oriented gaining site, and if he explores a heterosexual focused site, he'll often feel most of the men there are trying to establish a relationship with a woman, and if he is seeking a female who shares the kink--he's got a lot of competition. A male in a relationship who wants to gain won't always find a lot of support from the female members of the site, especially if they're on-line in the hopes of finding a boyfriend/partner. There are certainly segment of the gay population, where fat guys are as unwelcome as a fat female model on most fashion runways.  But just as there are "plus sized" models who are prized within that context, there are gay men who are celebrated for their bellybuilding success. When you move out of needing a body to look or move in a certain way--so if you're not a professional model or a professional athlete, there's not the same level of expectation when you operate within a more generalized community. Obesity rates among adults, and especially children are increasing, so not looking like a fitness model is simply normal.  The bottom line--you can have a satisfactory relationship in any community no matter what your waist size is.  However, the audience that appreciates you as someone with a 32 inch waist is not necessarily the same audience that will applaud a man with a 47 inch waist.  The same way, if you're 20, you'll have a certain appreciative audience, but you might have a different audience that appreciates you when you're in your 50s.  However, as someone who has worked as a therapist for both male couples and male/female couples (I've done research with female couples, but not therapy with them)--here's what I feel is most important about why you are writing me: If I am in a relationship with you and you do “X” behavior, then it's most likely I will internalize the idea “If I did this behavior, it would mean “Y” for me.” And that would be very accurate. But the truth is, behavior “X” may mean something very different for me than it means for my partner/spouse. One of the things that frequently leads someone into therapy is when one spouse thinks, “Oh, my god—he/she is doing this and this means 'Z,' when the behavior actually means “W” or “Q” for the partner. I've mentioned before, one of my mentors was a very famous therapist named Virginia Satir. She had written about early on in her marriage, taking a beef roast and cutting it in half and cooking it in two separate roasting pots. When her husband asked, “Why are there two different roasts?” --she honestly told him she didn't know—it was simply what her mother had always done. When she actually asked her mother, “Why did you always cook a pot roast in two separate pots?” The mother responded, “Well, when I first married your father, I didn't have a pot large enough for a roast, so I would cut it in half and cook it in two pots.” On a personal disclosure level, as a child, whenever we had guests, my mom would fix a dinner where there would be a salad that included radishes. Personally, I don't like the taste of fresh radishes (and in full-full disclosure, decades later I discovered if I roasted radishes that had been tossed with olive oil and garlic, they tasted really good) but as an adult on my own, whenever I had guests I would automatically fix a salad and add fresh radishes. After being trained by Virginia, I suddenly realized—A) I hate the taste of fresh radishes; and B) my mother wasn't the one inviting people to my home for dinner. With that realization, I never put fresh radishes into a salad again, and I lived happily ever after, and I suspect my guests weren't unhappy. The truth? My mom liked the taste of fresh radishes, but no one else in our family did, so the only time she felt she could please herself was to toss fresh radishes in on behalf of guests. I know of absolutely no scientific study or proof heterosexual women who are married to men are going to be more judgmental about their partners gaining than gay men are (with the possible exception of women under contract to the Bravo Network to be “Real Housewives” of one city or another). I am much more aware of observations of a cross-cultural nature (which I have mentioned before) where there's a strong expectation after a couple is married, a husband will gain weight. This signals to the family and the community the couple is happy together; the husband is not doing his best to attract another sexual partner; the couple (because, especially if the wife has given birth and kept the “pregnancy fat/additional weight”) is considered by the community to have socially shifted from being basically adolescents to being adults. And in these cultures, adolescents are thought of as being underdeveloped, skinny people, and adults are considered to be “solid citizens” which means they are a lot wider and well fed than teenagers. After years of experience of being a Family Therapist, what I find over and over again, is when one member of a couple changes a behavior without discussing it with his/her partner. this then leads to the other partner to have to mindread/project “Oh, my gosh—this new behavior must mean “X,” --even if it doesn't. To put it in simple terms...if you're in a relationship and you have always wanted to gain weight, and you start to do so, then tell your partner directly what your weight gain means. Don't make him or her try to interpret what your increasing waistline means. Years ago, a close female friend of mine married a man and in the first three months together, he gained 30 pounds—that's (duh) 10 pounds a month. She would cook dinner (she had a number of children from a previous marriage) and leave what wasn't eaten on the stove and he would eat all the leftovers. Where I'm going with this—she didn't set out to fatten him—she simply did what she had done for years. When she mentioned this to me, I observed, “Well if this keeps up at the rate you report, at the end of your first year together, he'll be 120 pounds heavier than when you first met.” Actually, at the end of their first year together, he was 80 pounds heavier than when they first got together. What I'd like you to take away from this—if you're gaining and you're happy about it—then let your wife know you're aware of the fact you're gaining and you're happy with it and your relationship with her. It makes a “huge” (pun here) difference if you tell her directly, “I love you, and it feels so good to not have to try to keep the overly athletic shape I thought would attract you when that never mattered to me. I like being a big and powerful looking guy—I've always wanted to be this guy. And I am so happy to be married to someone who loves me for myself and not what pants size I wear. I'm so happy with our relationship, and the fact you love and accept me for who I am and want to be.” Don't assume all wives want a husband who looks like the years younger guy she married. In my experience with a lot of gainers, look at the spouse's father/mother—extended family. If they aren't skinny, then there's a family history that has taught—when you are in love and in coupledom, your partner shouldn't look skinny. If he/she started skinny, but expanded, then this fits the family pattern a happy couple means at least one member of the family porks out. So—again--what you need to take away from this—if being well bellied is what pleases you, then be direct and explain to your partner/wife/domestic partner, being fatter means not only being happier for you, but means you're in a relationship with someone you deeply love and you appreciate will support you no matter what size you are. I mentioned to someone in another post who is in a similar situation--don't just tell your wife you're happy with getting fatter once, and never mention it again.  If you are around friends, don't wait for them to mention the fact you're suddenly a lot larger.  Laugh and pat your new gut and say, "Yeah, I'm a big boy now! I got tired of denying myself the things I enjoy, the way I did for years.  I'm happy--I'm with someone I love, and who loves me. I'm realized I didn't want to look like I model men's clothing, or like I'm looking for a new girlfriend."  Then smile, look at your wife, and say in front of your friends, "And who can stay skinny with someone who's such a good cook?"  As I've reported before, a lot of partners or families who freak out about weight gain are influenced by major media reports weight gain automatically means “poor health” rather than the idea a person can be bigger and healthy. It's critical for you to distinguish between a spouse/partner condemning your weight gain based on their fear of harming your body vs. a spouse/partner condemning you for not looking like you used to look when you first got together. I'm going to take a wild guess your wife doesn't look in 2012 what she looked like on your wedding day. That doesn't mean you want to dump her. In healthy, long term relationships, your partner loves you for you—your behaviors and your personality—not for your waist size, or your hair (or lack of it) or your wrinkle-smooth skin. In a long term relationship, if your partner was first attracted by your hairline, your abs, or your smooth skin—a long term relationship means you stay around because you really love your partner, and changes in his/her skin tone, waist size, or hairline aren't  deal breakers. If such issues are a deal breaker—well, maybe—just maybe—you didn't get involved in a healthy and long term relationship.

Is My Behind My Best Asset?

Anyway, I have a question for you.
I've been struggling with my sexuality for quite a while now... When I am not aroused, I'm intensely attracted to the more curvy variety of women.

However, whenever I receive compliments on my behind, I begin to get sexually aroused. This translates into me getting the burning desire to get fatter, be fed, be submissive, and (shouldst thou pardon my french) get ***ed in my behind.

This has become quite a schism in my life for me-- it has led to my weight yo-yoing, me posing provocatively for men when I'm aroused, and me almost meeting up with people in my area for feeding sessions.

I don't have a problem with homosexuality, I just want to know how/where I'm classified. I've been in several relationships before, the majority of which have characterized me as the submissive of the male/female partnership.

My question is two-fold.
1) Who/what am I?! I know that this is incredibly general, but what is the classification for my behavior? Are there others like me?

2) I do wish to be fed and entered at some point in the future. However, I am a gay sex virgin. How do I train my body to feel pleasure (not pain!) from a penis entering me?

3) I wish not to seem desperate, but all the feedees I've seen around here focus mainly on their tummies. I'm not sure if I'm a weird niche for specializing in my ass, but are there people that appreciate this? Am I alone?

Thanks for all your time,

***************

First of all, as a Family Therapist who has been around for a long time, it's a relief to get this sort of question from a young person, as opposed to someone more than twice your age who has been too challenged or frightened to explore their interests and sexuality. Whether it comes to gaining or expressing one's sexuality, I've rarely encountered anyone who said, “Oh, thank God I never did anything about this until I was in my fifties—I'm so happy I lost decades of becoming more authentically me.” I have, however, come across many who said, “After I finally accepted myself, I realized how many years I wasted trying to fight who I am.”

Is it unusual for someone to receive a lot of reinforcement for how they look—particularly a specific body part? Let's just say there's a reason many women spend a great deal of money getting breast implants. Both men and women who have striking eye color grow up having others regularly comment on how beautiful they are. It's obvious in your case your derrière gets a lot of attention. It's then becomes a cyclical experience—the more you get complimented on it, the more it helps your self-esteem, which encourages you to both show it off more and to wear clothing that emphasizes it. The danger of relying on a body part or a specific “look” to bolster self-esteem is if the attention is lost—because age undermines the look, or weight loss deflates what drew attention—then a person can begin to feel bad about him or herself. This is one of the reasons from a psychological perspective, it's always a good idea to be a well-rounded person (and not just in the context of a waistline), so one doesn't feel valued for just one aspect of life.

Some types of therapy (not the one I practice, by the way) would also spend time having you look back at early childhood experiences where your rear end received a lot of attention or praise. What matters to me is this matters to you—you obviously (based on the photos on your profile) have an impressive set of genetic advantages that have allowed you to have a bottom others admire, and you share you have allowed men to admire your “assets” on the Internet. There are men (and women) who go crazy for asses, just as some idealize large breasts or well developed legs.

As I've written in other posts, there's a theory called “The Love Map,” where one's erotic landscape tends to develop at a relatively young age, usually before the age of eight. Since you report you are aroused by attention to your ass, it's likely the fusion of eroticism and attention to your rear happened early on. For example, if two young neighborhood children are playing “house” or “doctor” and are exploring their bodies while nude, a horrified mother may discover them, and jerks her son away, spanking him and and yelling, “Don't you ever let me catch you doing that again.” If the child was sexually aroused (and children are extremely sexual beings, but don't developmentally process this as adults do—-they instead focus on pleasurable sensations) at this moment, then there can be a fusion of the spanking with sexual arousal. This is one of the reasons about one in four American adults report enjoying spanking as part of their foreplay. In earlier times in England, when caning was commonly used in discipline, you see the same impact—where men would often pay commercial sex workers to cane their rear ends. If you were in therapy with me (and you're not) I might ask you about how much you've privately pleasured yourself using your ass, or if you've done so while interacting on webcams with your male admirers. My interest is around how you can appropriately and successfully be able to express yourself sexually.

So—let's get back to your specific questions.

1. 
   
   
   Yes. There are many people—both male and female—who achieve arousal from a focus on their asses. There are a number of nerve endings in the anus, which is one of the reasons being able to “take a dump” when you really need to do so can feel to be such a relief and enjoyable. This is also one of the reasons many individuals include enemas as part of their sex play. Going back to the Love Map theory, it may well be when they were very young, their caretakers gave them enemas as part of their health care (this was done more frequently in older times) and they learned to associate enemas with pleasure. For many males, stimulation of the prostrate can be extremely pleasurable. This is not a gay or straight issue—although at least in American culture, many straight men are socialized to consider this “gay” or “dirty.” But trust me, there are many straight men who very much enjoy having their prostrate massaged, and a major vibrator manufacturer has recently been marketing vibrators to heterosexual couples with the idea of them pleasuring each other. I should also mention, that while there is a stereotype “gay sex” is specifically “anal sex,” this simply isn't true. There are many gay men who have never had anal sex, or have tried it and did not enjoy it. Humans have a lot of variations, and not all males will experience the same level of enjoyment from anal play as others. In some cases, both men and women who were sexually abused as children may have extremely negative reactions to anal sex play or stimulation. In other cases, they may have grown up in families that stressed anything “down there” was “nasty” and no explorations were permitted. In this case, it's not a physical or psychological issue, but a societal one. So—does enjoying your rear end “make” you gay? No. It does however, increase your options for sexual pleasure. However, if your primary interest is in attracting the attention of other men by displaying your rear end and fantasizing penetration, then you're definitely moving away from the “Zero” category of the Kinsey Scale (exclusively heterosexual) and moving over to the bisexual or gay sections. As I've written before, the Kinsey Scale (Where an individual who is classified as a Kinsey Zero has only had heterosexual experiences, and a Kinsey Six has only had same-sex experiences, with everyone else falling into Two, Three, Four, or Five) was developed more than half a century ago, and is very limited. It only measures actual sexual behavior, and not, for example, sexual fantasies. Just so, if you are a man married to a woman and you have her penetrate you with a dildo while you imagine you're being penetrated by a man—you will still be considered a Kinsey Zero. More modern tools, like the Klein Grid, look at several factors in relationships. A male may prefer to only socialize with other men (so he would have a high score on “homo-social”) but if he doesn't want to have sex with other men, he would have a low score on “homo-sexual” behavior. This can get complicated, and one of the reasons why some men (or women) don't feel a common label really suits them. This is why “self-identification” is yet another category, where some people will comfortably identify as gay, while someone else who has the same behavior, will not.  This can explain why you might feel curvy women are attractive, but you may not desire them sexually.  Also, for those who grew up in sexually repressive families or societies (which includes most Americans) this is one of the major attractions of being submissive. It's the idea “If I give over control of my sexuality (or my waistline—or in your case—your ass) to someone else, I don't have to feel any guilt about what happens because I'm not in control of the situation—he/she is. This is one of the reasons it's a very common fantasy in the gaining community to be force-fed, or kidnapped by a dominant feeder who will order you to become whatever size he or she wants you to be. Let me emphasize this is not just about the gaining community—the same dynamic will be found in the Leather/S&M communities as well.
2. 
   Well, if you think about it, everyone who has had “gay sex” was a gay sex virgin at one point. Here's what I suggest to those who want to explore this. Go organic. Buy a package of condoms. Buy veggies (such as cucumbers or zucchinis) of various sizes. Purchase small ones (like the size of your finger) as well as larger ones. Also buy lube. “Glove” your vegetable with a condom and be generous with the lube. Start small as you get used to the sensation of using this as an organic dildo. Concentrate on learning to relax as much as possible, because a tightened sphincter can cause discomfort. Obviously you can also use your fingers to explore this, but since you eventually want a human partner, it's best to train yourself with an object that is separate from yourself, and your fingers also have nerves and sensations, so you'd be conditioning yourself in a very different way. By all means, once you've gotten some experience with this, consider investing in some sex toys, such as the vibrators I've mentioned, or dildos. If you're uncomfortable going into a sex shop, in the Internet age, sex toys are just a click away on your laptop. But again, I want to emphasize you start off training yourself to associate pleasure with the use of a condom and lube while being penetrated. The other vital lube—is communication. Once you've become experienced with condom covered cucumbers or vibrators, when you're ready to have a human partner, you'll be in a much better position to let him know how to best satisfy you. Don't let him try to mind read you—tell him specifically what sort of things you enjoy. My first Lover/Signficant Other swore by the idea that if the partner who is penetrating simultaneously masturbates the guy being penetrated, using the same rhythm, the results are irresistible. To be frank, while this is extremely pleasurable to a number of partners, it isn't the ultimate turn on for everyone, which is why being able to speak clearly about expectations and what you'd like to experience is so important. Also, some tops are very excited about being “your first,” but other tops have very strict personal rules that they don't want to deal with a virgin, because of past negative experiences with virgins who haven't done any of the “prep work” I've been suggesting. Also, don't hesitate to use your Internet skills to investigate the details of anal sex, including issues of hygiene.
3. 
   Human beings can be very complicated. Based on the theory of the Love Map, for example, at an early age, there can be an erotic fusion between sexuality and feeling stuffed or fat. If I had a dollar for every adult gainer who has told me he or she used to stuff pillows under their clothes when they were children to pretend to be fat, I could have retired several years ago. For someone else the fusion may occur between sexuality and feeding/fattening someone. Just so, in the gaining community, you can get someone who is exclusively a gainer and someone who is exclusively a feeder. You will also encounter individuals who will completely focus on gaining, or belly play, rather than having a genital expression of sexuality. While I've been talking about gay, straight, or bisexual people, there's also a fourth category that often gets left out in these sorts of discussion—and those are the asexuals. I've encountered a number of asexual members of the gaining community, who don't have an interest in being sexually (genitally) involved with others, but may have a romantic interest in a partner, or want a partner to exclusively feed him or her, or do belly/ass play. For more information on asexuals, you might want to check out www.asexuality.org.

Finally—going back to your personal issues of yo-yoing back and forth as a reaction to others, I'll tell you what I tell to so many others. You often have to find out what you don't want in order to find out what you do want. You don't want to change your body to please someone else. Don't think of your weight yo-yoing as being a failure, but as an exploration. The other physical reality is you've listed your age as 19. Humans don't tend to achieve full adult growth until around the age of 24. This means it's quite likely your waist and ass are not going to be the size when you're say, 25, that they are now while you're in your late teens. Find out what brings you pleasure and a sense of ownership of your own body. If this means having a bigger ass, then (metaphorically) embrace a bubble butt and celebrate yourself. As I was explaining to another young person, what often is one of the most powerul way of attracting a partner is to feel good about yourself and to radiate self-confidence. This combination can often outweigh the latest fashion or a body you've spent years shaping in a way you think will turn others on. And trust me—feeling good about yourself and having self-confidence can last a lifetime, in a way a full head of beautiful hair may not. My Significant Other's grandmother is 85 years old and flew down to visit us a few weeks ago and what struck me the most was how beautiful and elegant she is.  Best of luck in becoming the man you want to be.