How Do I Not Automatically Fall For A Guy Interested In Me?

Hey if you don't mind, I do have one question that I guess you could use as a blog post if you'd like (but I'd like my name redacted if that's the case):Thing is, I generally don't see myself as a needy guy. I'm very independent; hell, I'm living in a foreign country constantly speaking a language that isn't my native tongue. But outside of my typical independent nature, I have a very strong dependence on guys. The second someone shows me the remotest inkling of positive attention, I go loopy and fall head-over-heels for one or two weeks. This process has been on repeat for I don't even know how long now, and I'd really like to get more control over it — not only for myself, but because I probably end up hurting guys I overindulge in the process.

I don't see myself as someone with low self-esteem (though I definitely used to be), yet this doesn't stop and I need some perspective or some tips on how to not let myself feel instantly wooed and attracted by men whom I consider my type that are friendly toward me.

Any help would be hugely appreciated. 

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Dear Redacted,

One of the fundamentals we’re taught as Family Therapists is that families need to periodically renew themselves to be healthy. To put it another way, if a family only gets together for a funeral or a special event like a wedding, this sort of “recharging” of the family as a whole doesn’t happen.  A family reunion, or the family gathering together for a specific holiday, where everyone knows it will happen each year, and everyone attends—does seem to keep the family healthy (unless there are dysfunctional elements, where everyone hates Christmas dinner at Grandmother’s because Uncle John will get drunk again, and Cousin Beth and Cousin Emma will get into another one of their famous fights).  The point here for me is if you’re like many who find themselves in a foreign land, speaking another language, your support system may be operating without a lot of safety nets. That means you’re most likely not only isolated on a number of levels from your family, but from your old friends and former schoolmates.

Like a lot of us, you may have a certain dependence on social media, where you can still feel connected and can communicate with those who are important to you. For people who have more “specialized” interests, such as gaining, sites like Grommr, Beefyfrat, Bellybuilders, or Fantasyfeeder—may feel like a lifeline to grab on to in a sea of people who don’t share your kink. After a stressful day, it’s easy to kick back, change into stretchy pants and hit Facebook/twitter/grommr/etc., connecting to the people who have some level of importance in your life.

There is some interesting on-going research on just how much social media has started to change our lives, particularly those who grow up with it as their “first language.” This alters concepts of privacy. It also means young people (as in adolescents) no longer have the luxury of changing self expression.  To put it another way, pre-Facebook, young people would often “try on” different personalities. They would play with accents and background stories.  They would explore fantasies about what they wanted to be “when they grew up.” They had many options, and would eventually settle for what seemed to be the best match for them, and that helped shape their adulthood.  But for younger people who grow up with social media, their “persona” (which is different from their “personality.” A “persona” is the public face you present to the world) usage has changed. Because social media can mean an almost constant observation of one’s persona that means unlike yesterday’s “flexible” persona, the persona can become rigid at an early age, and one can no longer easily “re-invent” oneself. For many, one of the treasures of college was you were leaving high school, and you could create a whole new person in your new environment where no one had ever met you. But now, whatever you were in Middle School or High School is hard to scrub from the Internet. On one level there is no “starting over.”

If you are relatively isolated on a social level, it’s easy to latch on to the Internet to feel connected. But this means what you’re sharing is ultimately your persona, with perhaps some hints of the “real” you for people you trust, or are starting to trust.  But that’s just as true for people you “meet” on Grommr or other sites. You only know what other people choose to share with you. But as a human being, you have an amazing talent at what is called “projection,” where you tend to “fill in the blanks,” so you start fleshing out the person(s) you don’t really know.  If you dislike the person, you will tend to project negative qualities onto the person, and carefully read his comments and profile through a filter of distaste.  But if you find the person attractive, you will tend to project positive qualities. As the MEN Venn Diagram indicates, there are a lot of overlaps that determine a specific individual.

I attended a workshop on same-sex relationships, and the facilitator asked participants to write down 50 things he or she found attractive in a potential partner. This might be such characteristics as hair or eye color, height, belly size, age, interest in music, etc. But she was very firm about the idea what’s most attractive about someone is if we feel that person is attracted to us. Which leads us back to your original question. No matter how independent a person can effectively be, on a “hardware” level of humanity, like all primates, we are social animals and need some degree of human contact. I’ve mentioned in earlier posts two concepts—one is the idea of the Love Map—this is about your “erotic landscape.” It’s about what turns you on, like the 50 things that workshop leader was asking for participants to write down. But coupled with the Love Map is something called “limerance.” This is a “made up” term because the concept doesn’t exist in English.  It’s the idea if I’m in a happy relationship, and someone walks by who matches 70% of my Love Map, I might think, “Wow, what a hot guy,” and then I go back to the keyboard and go on with my work. But if I’m in a very unhappy relationship, my limerance is impacted, and that means when I see someone who only matches 30% of my Love Map, my eyes bulge, my tongue falls out and Mr. Happy down there gets very happy. But it also means I can end up with "buyer's remorse," where I wake up the next morning and mutter, "What the hell was I thinking?"

 

I’m going to suggest that your relative social isolation and use of social media means your limerance level may be responding to others who respond to you in the way a starving person will be happy to stick just about anything in his mouth, but a well fed person is going to be a lot more picky about what they choose to put on their plate. I suspect it might help if you go back and think about what it was like when you weren’t in a foreign country, speaking a language that isn’t your native one—for example, perhaps in college. Did you have this same tendency to “over respond” to any guy who flashed a smile at you, or seemed to express some interest in you? You indicate you’ve had self-esteem issues in the past, and this might have also interfered with you having more “hands on” experience with dating other guys or being in a relationship. If this is true, then you have even fewer skill sets to help you cope with guys who trigger a major crush, making it easier to do your “head over heels” acrobatic act.

I want to emphasize crushing on guys isn’t a bad thing—it’s just a human thing. But your current social and employment situation may mean this is being intensified in a way you’re now questioning. Someone demonstrating an attraction to you can be, as the workshop leader stated, a real turn-on. I would suggest you try out a couple of things.

First, go ahead and make up your 50 attractions list.  When you’re done, look at it very carefully, because as the facilitator pointed out, these particular attractions may end up “blinding” us to potential partners who don’t match those 50 items. This would mean if you are thrilled by a dark haired bear, you might never bother to check out a smooth blonde, who might have ended up as your best boyfriend. When you realize what your restrictions have been, it can greatly increase your options and possibilities that may lead you to “Mr. Right.”

Second, when you feel yourself starting to “fall again,” and about to repeat the pattern you’ve identified, take a break.  Invest in a journal/notebook—or be 21^st century and use a laptop or mobile device—and start documenting what you’re experiencing. Be as specific as possible about writing down what it is that’s getting you so excited.  And this is again human “hardware.” People who turn you on are doing fascinating things on a biochemical/neurological level within your body. For some individuals, this can have the same wallop as recreational drugs. But like recreational drugs, your body tends to “habituate” to them.  That means after a while of having the same “dose,” you will need to increase the “dose” in order to get the same level of “high.”  On a relationship/sexual level, for people who are really turned on by “the chase,” once they’ve “won” a relationship, it no longer provides that giddy feeling. The loss of the thrill can also be due to the fact the better you know the actual person, the more you lose access to the “persona” that might have been what really attracted you in the first place.  

This reality is what can lead to “serial” relationships, or what we call in therapy, “the dance away lover.” This is someone who crashes into your life, turns it upside down, and when you’re “hooked,” will then leave you for someone else and will repeat this pattern all over again.

Psychologically, sitting down and journaling about your experience means you are no longer experiencing your interaction on a “direct” level, but on a “meta-cognitive” level. By the way, not experiencing things directly, and seeing your actual life like a movie or a video, is the cause of a lot of sexual dysfunction.  If when you’re with a partner and your mind is racing with thoughts like, “Am I doing this too fast? Too rough? Will he notice I accidentally lost a few pounds? Should I have shaved?”—that means you’re not really “there.” You’re not inside your body-you’re inside your head.

And this is where you want to be (inside your head/journal), observing, commenting on, and recording your experiences/responses/behaviors. It’s what can disrupt the pattern you report becoming automatic to you. Once you’ve learned to do this effectively, you can then go back with a clearer head which will allow you to make more appropriate decisions in how you want to relate (or not) to other guys.

Hello.

Recently found the blog you write and I'd like some advice.

I am a 14 year old gainer. I began to get fat at 7 years. Didn't think about it back then. At 10 I first began to think about it, and after a while enjoy it. At 11 I discovered the gaining community at YouTube and realized I might be one of them. At 12 I began to gain, as far as possible for a 12 year old. I come from a big family though so no one really cared all that much. I've been fairly successful, mostly from overeating at meals and my general lack of moving. I'm a gamer and spend most of my time here, at the computer. I am 242 lbs now at 14, with a current goal of 350-400 at 25 years.

However, I have doubts to. first of all, a friend of mine half my weight recently got diabetes and I'm worried I'll get it to. Secondly, my mom has started complaining about the rate we have to get new clothes. I'm currently growing both upwards and outwards so I need new clothes often and money is a bit tight for us now. It has also made her aware about my size and she's recently began to hint towards exercise and less eating. Thirdly, I'm only 14, will being this big and getting bigger at this age give me any extra conditions? I'm not full grown yet and I'm worried my weight might effect me maturing.

And last, is there any sites for younger gainers, all the ones I've found are for adults only.

Also, how do you personally feel about people my age gaining? I think you once addressed it before but I'd like to know more detailed what you think about teens gaining.

Hope you can offer me some good advice :)

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Ok—my personal attitude about young people is this—I was on the Board of Directors for SIECUS (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States)—we provided the most sex-ed curriculum for schools than any other agency.  I feel about sex and gaining in the same way.  As an adult, if I tell anyone, (including you) not to do something—well, duh—what are the chances you’ll go ahead and do it? Adults can control a lot of things, but like the Church and the Government, they can only attempt to control your behavior—never your feelings or your sexuality.  That means I treat gaining the same way I do safe-sex. I want everyone to have the best information possible to help them make a decision about their own choices—but they ultimately make their own choices. But I think one of the worst things adults can do is pretend young people won’t “do things” we don’t always want them to do.

I think a general attitude in the gaining community is useful.  Many in general society choose to engage in potentially risky behavior.  This might involve bungee-jumping, rock-climbing, race-cars, or smoking.  Is it safer for you in the “big picture” if you never bungee-jump, rock-climb, race, or smoke? Absolutely. Actually a major life risk is to get into an automobile. Even if you’re a perfect driver, there’s every chance some imperfect driver might plow into you.  Life is, as we say in health care, a “self-limiting condition.” 

That means whether you eat all organic food, keep your body fat percentage at a single digit, and exercise three hours a day, you know what? You will still eventually die.  I think a real wake-up call from before you were born was the “running guru,” Jim Fixx, who really kicked off the running movement.  And then he dropped dead while running from a pre-existing heart condition he didn’t know he had.  The point?  It doesn’t matter what you do, or don’t do—you still die.  The real point? What you do before you die is what counts—and what are “quality of life” issues.  For example I hired a personal fitness trainer and for over two years, I never ate a cookie or a piece of bread. Is denying yourself pleasure really worth it in the long time? That is something you can only answer for yourself—but it’s a very important question.

You always have the options to gain in the healthiest way possible.  For example, diabetes is about how your body processes sugars and insulin. You’ve just told me someone “half your weight” (around 120 pounds?) developed diabetes. There are more than one type of diabetes, and for someone barely 100 pounds to have it probably isn’t about having too many pieces of pie.

There are absolutely individuals who report by changing their food intake (dropping off sugar intake) after they had been diagnosed with diabetes, who have gotten to the point where they did not need medical intervention (such as insulin injections) but still returned to gaining after changing their food intake.  Keeping active also makes a big difference in keeping you as healthy as possible, whether it’s at the gym, or simply doing 30 minutes of walking a day (a dog is so helpful to force you to get out of the house). Always remember active Sumo wrestlers can be twice your size but still professional athletes

Ultimately, I support a feminist view, which is “My body, my rules,” which means as a bottom line, a person should be in control of his or her personhood. That also means an individual should take responsibility for the consequences as well. That means a number of gainers decide the pleasure of their bodies can be worth the “costs” of being a bigger person.  It also means a number of people who want to gain make a decision not to gain precisely because of the costs of gaining, and may end up meeting their needs by padding, inflation, bloating, or other methods where they can at least temporarily end up bigger, but without the physical costs of actually getting fatter.  You might want to explore these avenues as well. This is as true for someone 14 or 44. The major difference is that as a young person, you have a dependency on your family in terms of survival and support.  Someone ten years older than you are, who is financially independent and living on their own, has a much wider range of options than you do. Which is why some younger people decide to do what they can, but accept they may postpone active gaining until they are no longer under their parents’ roof.

Let me add for most humans, they don’t achieve their ultimate growth until around the age of 24.  That means even if you don’t decide to actively gain at this point in time, the chances are your parents are still going to have to buy you new clothes because as you point out, even if you don’t continue to “grow out,” you’re still going to get taller, which means you’ll need larger clothing regardless of your waist size.

I’ve also contacted someone that set up a website for young gainers when he was an early teen.  Many younger people were active on his site, but like him, when they became older teens, joined on-line gainer sites and started interacting with other older teens and adults, and left those who were under 18 behind.  I’ve emailed him on your behalf, asking if he knows of active sites for younger gainers, but have not heard back from him at this point.  I would suggest you go to Yahoo.com and search under “groups” and see if you can find an active one for younger gainers.  To be frank, Yahoo groups come and go, so there are some established for younger gainers that “exist” on-line but are no longer posting anything.  But you always have the option of creating your own free Yahoo group for young gainers, because there will always be people around your age who want the same sort of things you want.

For Those Who Visit This Site---

To the lovely folks who visit this site--gaining "stuff" isn't my entire life or focus, although it's a significant aspect of it, and the SigO (and I got a European question of what's a "SigO"--it's short for "Significant Other."  I personally like the term "Significant Same," but have never gotten a SigO to accept that) takes a lot of attention. I have a number of people who contact me via "ProfessorFatology@gmail.com" and that's terrific.  But several ask me to not post their questions and my responses on-line, which means I respond without updating the blog.  The point-if you see that I don't update all the time--it doesn't mean I'm ignoring people, or I'm off on some orgy (lol-I wish--well, maybe not--the SigO doesn't like to "share").

So--yes-if you e-mail me directly, and ask, I don't share the correspondence on this site, I will respect that, but for those of you who are just interested in reading up on "fatology," remember I'm very careful to do nothing to identify the person who e-mails me, but in all honesty, while a lot of you think "I'mTheOnlyOneInTheWorld" who is "into" this "stuff"--I felt the same way when I was younger.

Frankly, I think it's really healthier if folks in the gaining community discover there are others who have similar questions and conclusions.  For that reason, I think it's better if I get to respond to questions in this "public" forum than in private e-mails, simply because my response to "Gainer in Texas" may be helpful to a gainer in Ohio or Oslo.

UPDATE: One of my favorite lines from the old Buffy The Vampire TV Series: "Well, that's something you don't see everyday--unless you're me!" Right after I uploaded this, the SigO (who is taking the day off before he leaves for a trip out of state) yells, "So where are apps?!" (And for those of you who don't speak his version of English, "Apps" in this case means "appetizers.") For lunch we had gone to an India buffet, which we both enjoy  He doesn't want me to do things like curries, because he feels their scents tend to linger in the condo.  As a result, we only go to the India place every 6 weeks or so, but we greatly enjoy it, and it's an extremely high quality, as in, they hired a special chef and this is not the sort of generic India food one finds in most places.  Normally one of the owners (we suspect he's gay) actually orders for us, but we normally come for dinner and he wasn't there.  After the SigO had been back for a second large plate, one of the staff came up and pushed dessert.  Let me give a context--the SigO, now at his highest weight, kicked in his periodic, "OMG, gotta go to the gym," which lasts a few weeks, at which point his newest clothes are no longer tight, at which point he feels this is too much work and then gains back any weight he's lost and then some more for good measure. As an example--we stopped off to deposit the rent check to our landlord and then while I went to pick up something for dinner, he wandered around. When we got home he came over and said, "Want a pumpkin macaroon?"  Nice to know when he's been trying to lose weight, his first food choice is a package of cookies.

I suspect when the staff looks at someone who is at least 260 who waddles through the door, their first thought is not, "I hope he likes the buffet."  But this time, a new skinny staffer came to us when we had finished and he pushed dessert (a closet encourager?).  This was one of my awkward moments, where this is one of those  places that calls food their actual names in India, and doesn't bother with any translation.  Which works fine when one of the owners just orders for us.  But the person pushing dessert was only able to hesitantly explain this one is made with chickpea flour, and this one is made with wheat flour. Fortunately, the SigO agreed to test-taste what was there. And he greatly enjoyed them all.

Which is why, a few hours before we normally have dinner when he comes home from work (I work at home on-line), he was asking about appetizers, and that threw me a bit.  But--hey--as if a really good encourager isn't prepared.  I did a round of potstickers before doing the prep for a pork stir-fry.

How Do I let My Friends Know I've Gained 30 Pounds?

Professor Fatology,

I am a gainer and have put on about 30 pounds in college (all on accident). But since I've been somewhat self conscious of my weight gain I was too shy to show off my growing belly. However, now I want to show it off but don't want people to think I've gained 30 pounds overnight because they've never seen my belly hidden by my bigger clothes (plus, I've been sucking it in a lot, too). What should I do? Should I gradually show off my belly by letting it out more and more over time or let it all out at once?

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  In my experience, (and advanced age, cough-cough), I have discovered a number of things

.1)  If you’ve gained 30 pounds, then a lot of the people you know have noticed you’re bigger, even if they haven’t realized it’s 30 pounds as opposed to 10. Or as a film maker once said, “Gluttony is not a secret sin.”  People who are going to notice have already noticed, and obviously, haven’t mentioned it.

2) Frankly, a lot of people adjust to things very quickly. The fact someone’s friend has put on some weight is one of those, “Oh, look, you’ve been eating well.” Then everyone goes out to see a movie. Unless I’m your tailor and need to let out your pants, whether you have a 28 inch waist or a 36 inch one, just doesn’t make the front page news. Well, ok, if you’re part of an Olympic swim team, then, yeah, gaining 30 pounds (Did you know Michael Phelps gained around 25 pounds after he won all those medals in 2008? He stopped swimming and enjoyed himself and got as flabby as Michael Phelps gets.), then developing a belly might be a concern to someone.  But I’m going to bet you’re not on an Olympic swim team.

  3)  The best defense is a good offense.  That means you’ve been waiting around for the last 30 pounds for someone to notice.  And while you can suck your belly in while you’re thinking about it, you sometimes forget to do so. People who notice this sort of thing have already noticed.  And if you’ve ever seen a more recent photo of K-Fed, Britney Spear’s ex-husband and baby-daddy, wearing large clothes doesn’t make you look skinny.  It just makes you look as if you’re trying to hide your belly underneath large clothes. I mean, look at him in that white XL t-shirt. Does it make him look skinny? Nah....

So—here’s my suggestion. The next time you’re out with your friends in a bar (don’t know your age) or eating establishment, order a lot and laugh out loud and say to your friends, “Can you believe how fat I’m getting? I think I passed the Freshman Fifteen the first week of this semester!” Then do what you see hundreds and hundreds of college guys doing on-line.  Pull up your shirt and pat your belly.  The whole point of this is putting yourself in control.  You’re the one who is both letting your friends know you’ve gained—you’re aware of it—and you give them permission to talk about it—and most importantly-you’re ok with it.  Here’s the way to make this work. You need to exaggerate. This is how human nature works. If you say, “When I go to the beach,  people keep thinking I’m a beached whale and they try to push me back in the water.” The more outrageous you make it, the more likely you’ll get the response, “You’re not that fat!”  If you've gained 30 pounds, say, "I bet I've packed on at least 50 pounds!"  This is what we call a “win/win.” The reality is, you’ve gained 30 pounds, and it’s pretty likely you’ll gain more. You want this to be a situation where you say you’re fat, and your friends go, “So?” Or you say you’re really fat and your friends say, “Oh, you’re not that fat.”  The bottom line is you’re no longer thinking about keeping a secret, which to be honest with 30 new pounds, you haven’t really been keeping this a secret.

You can add, “I’m enjoying this so much I might need all new clothes for Christmas!” Then laugh. And pick up a slice of pizza (or a mug of beer) and suck it down.  And that’s the end of it.  I would also suggest you look around because I bet more than one of your friends hasn’t been able to button the top button of the jeans they arrived in.

And again—look around your campus. Statistically, there are a lot of chunky college students who aren’t going to be getting any smaller—they’re just going to get chubbier.   Just like you. You’re fitting in fine.  You’ll just be taking up some additional space.  And you know what? I bet you will be needing new clothes for Christmas. 

I’ll make one more prediction—when you lift up your shirt and pat your belly and laugh, I’m going to bet some of the other guys at your table are going to lift up their shirts and pat their bellies and laugh as well.  This is one of those “monkey see-monkey do” things.  Enjoy it.  And enjoy those 30 pounds which are going to be making some new friends over the holidays.

Please Help Me To Be A Better Vegan Gainer.

Hi professor,

I became a vegan on the last 6 month and decided to try and keep being like that for the rest of my life to prevent from hurting animals...

My problem is that now I have difficulties in gaining weight because of my vegan diet which contains a very low amount of calories.  I actually lose 8 lbs!

Do you know any vegan food or snacks that are fattening?  I'm not so picky about this but I prefer them to be healthy, but still it isn't a must.

P.S. Sorry for my poor English, your blog is simply amazing.

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While being a vegan can be challenging in a non-vegan world, there are certainly some items that can help with your gaining.  As you no doubt know, there are a number of non-dairy products you can substitute for milk or cream.  For example, in our household, we often use almond milk, which provides more absorbable calcium than dairy. There’s also rice milk and coconut milk.  Coconut milk is something very fattening, but you should try to use it periodically rather than constantly, since the fat in coconut milk is not as healthy for you as some other types of fat.

The easiest solution is to make vegan style “milkshakes” or “smoothies” to enjoy with your regular meals, or to use in between meals to kick up the calories. I looked at the recipe sections under Bellybuilders and Fantasyfeeder.  Here are two examples from the gaining community:

Vegan “Milkshake”

1 450g (1Lb) tin mango slices in syrup
1 400ml tin coconut milk

Simply blend it all together, strain (to remove stringy bits from the mango) and serve.

68g fat
90g sugar
6g protein
990 calories

And here's a Vegan Fruit Smoothie from Bellybuilders:

Vegan Fruit Smoothie

:
 5OZ of frozen fruit (Chopped)
1/2 cup Canola oil (Or vegetable, or olive. Canola's the 'healthiest' of these)
1/2 water or fruit juice (Apple or Orange works best)

What you end up with is a thick cool smoothie that makes a small glass compared to other smoothies and it contains roughly 1000 calories per batch. Recommended smoothie blends so far are:
Strawberry banana with apple juice (Great for those salad/soup/sandwich meals)
Orange Mango with Orange Juice (or water)

What happens is that the fruit sucks up most of the oil into it, retaining its calories, but the fiber allows it to be easily digested, not giving one a stomachache. The fruit (and/or juice) masks the taste of the raw oil, and the oil acts as a thickener (in more ways than one.)

Each blend makes a little more than a cup of smoothie (12 oz) and contains a little over 1000 calories. Not enough to fill someone up on one go, but enough to eat a meal along with.

And here’s a very simple snack to make that does not require baking: Peanut Butter Chocolate Balls

1 lb confectionary sugar
18 oz peanut butter
1 stick veggie butter substitute, softened

Roll into large ball in bowl.
Chill in bowl (about an hour?)
Roll small balls
Dip into chocolate (you can use “hot chocolate powder” mix for this)  Keep stored in your refrigerator.

And remember rice is your friend.

Vegan Banana Rice Pudding

Ingredients

·         1 cup brown basmati rice

·         2 cups water

·         1/2 teaspoon salt

·         3 cups plus 1 tablespoon gluten-free vanilla rice milk, divided (see Tip)

·         1/3 cup light brown sugar

·         1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon, plus more for garnish

·         1 tablespoon cornstarch

·         4 ripe bananas, divided

·         1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions

1.         Combine rice, water and salt in a medium saucepan and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low, cover and cook until the liquid is fully absorbed, 45 to 50 minutes.

2.        Stir in 3 cups rice milk, brown sugar and 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon and bring to a lively simmer. Cook, stirring occasionally, for 10 minutes. Stir cornstarch and the remaining 1 tablespoon rice milk in a small bowl until smooth; add to the pudding. Continue cooking, stirring often, until the mixture is the consistency of porridge, about 10 minutes. Remove from the heat.

3.        Mash 2 bananas in a small bowl. Stir the mashed bananas and vanilla into the pudding. Transfer to a large bowl, press plastic wrap directly onto the surface of the pudding and refrigerate until cold, at least 2 hours.

4.        Just before serving, slice the remaining 2 bananas. Top each serving with a few slices of banana and sprinkle with cinnamon, if desired.

5.        Tip: Some brands of rice milk may contain gluten. Gluten-free brands include Pacific Natural Foods or 365 Organic.

And here’s one that would work well if you add tofu, which will provide you a tasty meal:

Heat a tablespoon of sesame oil in a pan. Add 3oz pine nuts, 3oz cashews and 1 finely chopped onion. Cook over a medium heat until the onion begins to soften. Add 6 shredded sundried tomatoes, plus 1 cup of rinsed basmati rice. Add a couple of teaspoons of soy sauce, and enough water to cover with half an inch. Simmer until the rice has absorbed the water and is cooked. Stir in a large handful of veggies, such as spinach, or whatever you enjoy. Personally I add fresh basil to almost everything because I have a lot of it growing on our patio.

Enjoy your way to some more pounds and tighter pants.

Why Can't I Be A More Successful Chaser/Encourager? Where are the fat guys who want ME?

Hope you don't mind a question or two. So I've been out to myself as a chaser/encourager now for over a decade and in all that time I've only had the luck of being intimate with about five happily fat guys, and only three would be bonafide gainers by their own self-definition. All five said they liked trim guys like me, but only ONE seemed to be as turned-on by my body as I was his. So my first question is:

1. You've conversed with enough of us fat-fetish folk that maybe you have an anecdotal sense of just how many guys are TRULY turned-on by their physical opposite? I understand the whole desire of a fat guy being with a fat guy, but this is getting tiresome... I like having my navel sucked on and my abs rubbed just as much as the fat boy likes his jelly being worshiped.  2. Again, from your chats do you have any sense just how many gainers really not just foreplay activities with measuring, weighing, talking about their gains, eating, but in fact are less interested in the 'traditional' activities that lead to the big "O."  Maybe that's what I'm missing - I want the fat foreplay to lead 

to climax, not the fetish replacing "real" sex. What am I missing here?

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Wow—it’s so seldom someone actually asks me for a response based on my personal experience and anecdotal evidence. Stepping away from the research aspect (and as a heads up, a friend of mine and I are in the process of putting together a gainer-related survey that we hope will answer a lot of our own questions with solid data, as opposed to anecdotal stuff) from a personal level, let me relate three of my experiences:

1)      The guy towhomIlostmymalevirginity was someone with whom I maintained regular contact, and would see him whenever I was in his city (in another state). When we first met he was a bit stocky. He then hired a personal trainer with the anticipation of going on a vacation with some friends, and he wanted a 6 pack ab body.  And he got it. Amazing transformation, the sort you see on some sort of late night infomercial (yawn). He took photos during his vacation, and after I was in town about 3 months after he had returned from his vacation, he had buried those abs in flab. He would also stay with me if he were in my home city, and the next time he came up, he was “just my type,” as the abs were further buried, and he was the largest I had ever seen him. When we were in bed, I was rubbing his wonderful roll of fat underneath his navel, and he said, “Don’t touch me there, it makes me feel fat.”

2)      I was with someone who would (unexpected for me at that time) later end up as a long-term partner, and he had gained weight.  I will admit his weight gain was most likely due to the fact he had been spending a lot of time with me.  We were spooning on the sofa watching TV, and he got a phone call.  While he was on the phone and we were still spooning, I caressed his new growing belly.  He turned to me and said, “Stop playing with my fat.”

3)      I met up with someone on the East Coast with whom I had had corresponded through e-mail for some time, who belonged to one of the gainer sites. He met me at my hotel and I ordered room service.  At his request I had brought along a number of items of clothing that would be tight on him. As we had discussed, I took many photos of him in various outfits.  He was very excited the bathing suit I had brought was a large, since he had never worn a large before, and he was pleased it fit him so well. In fact, he was so pleased it was as if I had as much physical presence in the room as my camera. He was so turned on by himself, I thought of a quote from George Bernard Shaw when he was asked, “Mr. Shaw, are you enjoying yourself?” To which he replied, “Yes, and that’s all I’m enjoying.”

My point? I think these three experiences point out something of your own. There are guys who gain weight who are not gainers. There are guys who gain weight who resent the fact they have gained weight and get irritated at anything that reminds them of the truth.

Just so, as I’ve shared before, as an American Indian I have waist length braids, and as a result, I attract the attention of a number of gay men with a long hair fetish.  I have no erotic association with my hair—it’s just part of my spiritual heritage. But it does mean I have a firsthand experience being involved with a kink that has no relevance to me personally, but it has taught me what it’s like to be completely objectified.  And sadly, this is an experience I share with well bellied men who have no fetish/kink arousal around their size.  I’m going to take a wild guess that some of them don’t have a fetish/kink interest in a trim guy like you. That doesn’t mean a connection is impossible—it just means it’s likely not to be very intense and unlikely to be repeated. This is a variation of something I hear a lot “in the community” of gainers/encouragers/fat admirers who try to date “civilians” (i.e., those who are not connected in any way with the gaining community, except some of them are big guys themselves). What’s missing? What Emeril the Chef used as his catch phrase, “Bam!” There’s no extra kick—no juice between the two people involved (or it’s completely one sided, supplied by you, or supplied by a fat guy who doesn’t identify as a gainer for whom being intimate with you is simply being with a jerk off buddy.

So—I suspect there are:

A)     Real Gainers, for whom gaining engages them on a primal and erotic level.  This might involve stuffing, inflation, actual weight gain, etc.  For some of them, they will have an interest in detailed documentation, keeping records of weight, the use of tape measures, and regular photos or videos of them as they grow.  But here’s an important issue—there are probably (based solely on anecdotal information) just as many guys like this who don’t own a scale and have never bought a tape measure in their life. They update their photos or videos rarely and in no consistent basis. They’re really into “living the experience” rather than keeping track of it. What would involve “gainer foreplay” for you isn’t part of their reality.

B)     Fat guys who have always been fat. They accept their size, but it has no real special meaning for them, since they have no other point of reference. They don’t have an erotic connection to gaining or being fat, and will have no comprehension of why someone like you would be turned on by them simply because they’re blubbered. Oh, intellectually, they’ve been around enough to understand there’s something out there called a “gaining community,” but these guys probably don’t belong to any gaining websites, and if they do, it’s more likely a “hook up site” like Bigger City than a more social site like Grommr, Beefyfrat, or Bellybuilders. Why should they join a social site when they don’t identify as part of the “community?” They are also likely to be bored out of their minds when you ask them about stats. Years ago I had a client from Eritrea, and she had a cross tattooed to her forehead. I had a Muslim interpreter and when I asked what sort of Christian she was (I’m sharp-I notice things like a cross tattooed to a forehead), the interpreter looked very confused and she replied, “She’s Christian!” I calmly said I understood this, but wanted to know what denomination of Christianity. That’s when I understood my interpreter was fluent in English, but didn’t make any distinctions around the idea there were different types of Christians. My client, by the way, was Coptic Christian. This is what it’s like for many fat guys who are not gainers—they get confused at all the sort of documentation and elements of gainer “foreplay” you desire. You want to know things like their waist size and for them it all just comes out as “blah blah fat blah fat blah blah.”

C)     There are thin/lean/fit guys who have become fat. This is sort of a natural progression of a lot of twinks. Partying, drugs, and all night dance sessions, not to mention being barely legal enough to get into a bar tends to keep the waistline in check. Becoming responsible enough not to regularly use drugs, and keeping a steady job means they’ll often start to fill out, which frequently synchs up with their age. The older they get, the fatter they get. By this time, they’ve learned they can’t party all the time and use certain type of drugs and still hold down a job.  But they also discover how relaxing it is to get home from a stressful job and light up a bowl of 420, which leads to munches and a larger pants size. These are often the ones (for me, Number 1 and Number 2 I mentioned above) who remember what it was like to have size 30 jeans feel loose, and are now shocked to discover size 38 jeans aren’t going to button. They probably cruelly mocked fat guys when they were still fitting into their own size 30 jeans. Karma’s a bitch. This type of guy often becomes the self-hating fat guys that are the bane of an encourager/chaser/fat admirer’s existence. A guy who has always been fat accepts the fact some guys are turned on by his size, but it’s not reciprocal. It just means it’s easier for some fat guys to get laid by a chaser, but it’s with that self-awareness of “I’m being objectified,” that can leave a bad taste in the mouth of the fat guy. I want to emphasize some chasers/encouragers/admirers may indeed want “the whole package,” but the perception of a lot of fat guys is “you’re just in it for my gut.” The twink who ends up as a chub (like Number 1 and Number 2 from my history) gets pissed off at the idea of a chaser/encourager/admirer, because it forces them to accept the fact they’re fat enough to attract someone with this sort of kink. They’ll also devalue someone like you, because they take the attitude you have to be crazy to find fat erotic. Again, this doesn’t encourage a relationship.

I also want to come back to a subset of the “real gainers” where my “Number 3” fits in. These are guys who are so turned on by their own experience someone like you (or me) is simply a distraction. You might want to do “gainer foreplay,” but they just want you to get out of the way of the cake slices or to stop blocking the mirror so they can get a better glimpse of their bloat. Some of these guys are not looking for a relationship at all. Some of them have “compartmentalized” their lives with a “civilian,” so they get all of their emotional and social needs met with their regular partner and every now and then hook up with someone like you to get a different part of their needs met. But for some of them who compartmentalize in this way, you’re pretty much replaceable, because they aren’t looking for a partner within the gainer community.

Connected to this category are a number of individuals who might be best identified as “asexual,” where they aren’t looking for a sexual relationship with a male or a female, and may be much less interested in your size than being focused on their own. This subset may want to date-but they don’t want sex.  They might enjoy a cuddle, but don’t want to take anything further.

So—let’s do the math. Let’s say 10% of the general population is “kinda gay.” At the Kinsey Institute, we let the 10% thing slide because it’s become political, but if you really push us we’ll admit the figure is probably a bit lower.  But even at the most permissive, 10% includes bisexuals and lesbians, so if you’re a man looking for another man, your starting number is closer to 5-7% of the general population. Of this percentage of the general population, how many of them are going to be “overweight?” If you’re lucky enough to live in the United States, your chances of finding a gay guy with a gut are going to be a lot better than if you were living in Iceland. Let’s say 40% of the gay guys are plump enough to interest you. But now we have to slice and dice because fat gay guys fall into the categories of fat guys who have always been fat and find no inherent eroticism in being fat; fat guys who hate being fat; actual gainers—and then narrow down the actual gainers into those that don’t want a partner; those who want a fat partner, so you never make it through the gate; those that are already taken; those that will be so self-focused you won’t have much of a role in being with them. At this point the fact you’ve found at least 5 guys to be intimate with in over a decade starts to make a lot of sense in terms of probability theory.

Let me return to my American Indian heritage, where we have the concept of “Two-Spirit,” which is a category we use because LGBT are not our Native system of classification. Two Spirit people we believe have always been part of all Native communities in the past, although those Native Nations that had the most influence of Christianity and assimilation may be unaware of their own history. One of the things we’ve discussed in Two-Spirit gatherings, is traditionally, many bands or groups who formed a particular Native Nation might only be together as a whole for certain times of the year.  The rest of the time they were busy with hunting and gathering, and staying in smaller groups because their land base would not be able to support a large community for extended periods of time. Just so, if there was only 1 Two-Spirit person per 100, which means the only time you as a Two-Spirit person would ever see another Two-Spirit person would be during those ceremonial times when everyone got together.  Let’s say 300 people came together, which means we have 3 Two-Spirit people in the full group.  But one may be 60, one may be 20, and one may be an infant.

Bringing it back to you, once you diced and sliced a minority within a minority within a minority, the cold hard fact is—you might find a potential match in terms of the general “gainer” stuff, but you’re too old for him, or he’s too old for you. Maybe he’s only accepting applications from African-Americans, which means again, you don’t even make it through the gate. There are also criteria such as social class, educational background, financial income, etc. Maybe you’ve found the perfect match, but he only wants to be with another Muslim, or Orthodox Jew, and I’m going to take a wild guess that means you won’t qualify.

Finally, I suspect for a lot of us within the gainer community, we have survived by doing a lot of “fill in the blank” stuff. I think this is why the websites have become so important. With a few clicks we can identify someone who has a lot of characteristics we’re wanting in a partner, if only based on his profile. He may also live in another time zone or in New Zealand. With photos, cam2cam, and chats, we “fill in the blanks” by projecting into the cyber-persona of the person, just the way they’re doing with us.  But it’s a fragile construct, precisely because there are so many blanks involved. Because these constructs can easily fall apart, some people expect them to fail (or “all chasers/chubs are flakes”) which can end up as a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I also find within the general gay community some individuals see if they are sexually compatible before they try to find out if they might make it as a couple. For guys like this, the more they get to know you as a “fleshed out person,” before you have a sexual encounter, the more likely you’ll be thrown into the category of “just friends.” Or as I was instructed early on, “In the gay community it’s easy to get sex, but hard to find real friendship and intimacy.” Based on that belief, someone who is seen as a good match for socializing and companionship gets removed from “potential partner” because there’s a fear once sex is entered into the equation, the companionship might be lost. The solution? To keep sex out of the relationship, which means being stuck permanently in the “Just friends” box. Anecdotally I would add there seems to be a strong generational aspect for this. The older you are, the more likely you may buy into this sex/friendship dichotomy. Younger people may be more flexible in terms of boundaries, and feel it’s just natural for friends to sleep with one another.

One of my old friends used to say, "If you're looking for someone who is just one in a hundred, that means you may have to go through 99 guys to find him." He would then snap his fingers and recit: "Volume, volume, volume." To find the minority within a minority within a minority may mean you have to step up your game in terms of the sheer number of contacts you need to invest your time to find the person(s) you are seeking.  There's just no guarantee once you've found the guy you've been seeking--it means you're the one HE's been seeking.