How Do I Make Him Care About Me The Way I Want?

Hello prof!

I've discovered your blog recently, via grommr. And I should really thank you, because i found answers to some of my questions i've been looking everywhere. Its really useful thing you do.

Btw you can post some parts or all this message to your blog, don't think my russian  friends will discover it haha, and if they do i'll know they are into gaining for sure haha.

ok, first i tell you some backstory of my gaining experience, and then i'll ask you some questions that bother me. ok?

---I discovered i have a thing for fatter bellies early in childhood. I'm 24 btw. As i was slim, those chubby or fat bellies caught my attention, i was kinda intrigued, and wondered how it is to have some extra fat on your belly. And i felt i like the view of fat belly, see how it jiggles etc. well you know that. I remember i puffed my belly out, rubbed it with oil haha, and later (at 13-14 years) i actually begun to stuff. Ok, i had fantasies of getting kind of a beer belly and like i'm showing it off and my friends make fun of me and rub and poke my belly, and i like it. Actually i always wanted to do this for real - like to get really bloated and show off my belly. But i was shy. I thought ppl think of me as fit (as i go to swimming pool do sports etc) and was kinda scared to do it in front of crowd, but on the other side i wanted it. Sounds lil bdsm to me but well, continue with my story.

 I also remember i kinda fell in love? with a guy 2 years older than me. I guess it was love. I was 13. I felt really strong attraction to him, i liked how he looked, acted, i wanted to be like him. Surprisingly, i wasn't really obsessed to see him shirtless or see his belly. I thought it will be good if he go shirtless but didn't want to force it whatever  I wanted to became friends with him really hard, so (it sounds weird to me even after all these years hehe) i talked to him, accidentally massaged his neck and shoulders, hugged him etc, and i hanged out with him everywhere. And I was the one who called him etc. But don't think i was pushing him to hang out with me. I always respected other people's feelings, and wasn't annoying or anything, like there were no day without me in his life.

I managed to show off my bloated belly to my best friend(at the time) (I was 14). As it was summer and he came to my house nearly everyday, I had a time to prepare. So before he came, i eat a lot and drank a lot of water, so my belly became really round. And when we sat together doing homework (at the summer, isn't it weird? haha) i lifted up my shirt , and he noticed my bloated belly, he laughed at it and started to poke my bellybutton. I really liked it. Soon we started to wrestle and ended up with him sitting on me and slapping my bloated belly. I got what i wanted and i liked it. 

There were another 2 friends, i hanged out with them and it happened, that we played rock paper scissors once, and when i lost i lifted up my shirt (i was bloated) and told one of them to rub or poke my belly. And he done it. So from that time we started to hand out together and we played 'rock-paper-scissors' and i bloated before we hang out and it always ended up with them rubbing or poking my bloated belly. (i was 14-15 at the time and they were 13-14). I believe it was like sex to me. (i didn't experienced sex with a girl yet, and with a guy too, but well, some of guys sucked my dick, i guess that can count. I don't want to have sex with guys(i mean anal), nor i want to suck their ***. I'm puzzled with this a bit.

My theory is: to me belly play or playing with other's bellies =sex (like straight and gay ppl understand it). Am I right?

I thought i'm the only one in the world with a belly thing. Well you heard a lot of this stories, i discovered youtube and realised there are others, i also found out its called a fetish etc etc. It was a good thing, i knew i'm different, but not crazy haha

So college years was not so interesting unfortunately, because i studied where the most of my mates at uni were girls. So again i missed guys attention. I befriended one guy (i didn't liked his appearence, but he was funny and became a good friend after all) and he prob became the first man ever who i told about i like to pig out and showed him my bloated belly, and he even participated in some of my videos. I told him this kind of vids are very popular on youtube and he agreed hehe. Important thing that he is not into bellies, he's just a really good friend who understand my fetish and helps me with my vids hehe, only when i really ask him.

Of course i actively used internet, chatted with guys from all over the world, showed my belly on cam, liked the attention. but it all was virtual and i missed actual belly rubbing and all, and besides i wanted to rub and play with someone's belly too.

I was 22 i think.

And. A thing happened. I met a guy. I think i can tell you now i loved him from the first sight. I just couldn't took my eyes of him. He was really attractive, kinda buff but he was really slim, just muscular and short, and i liked his face and the way he talks, he acts etc, and i wanted to become a best friend with him. Again, like at 13, i didn't thought much about belly thing at first, of course later i became interested to see his belly etc, but at first i admired him a lot and wanted his attention and to be best friends with him. 

As you see i don't want to have sex. To cuddle, to rub each one's bellies, maaaybe kiss(not sure) (i kissed guys but felt nothing special about it), play with them, feed each other etc is just enough for me, if you ask me about how intimate i wanted to be with him.

And, well, some kind of drama began for me. At first, i didn't know how to approach him (i was shy, now i became ok again. It was a period of time i was shy). And when i approached him my heart began to boom boom and my mind kinda got clear haha, i really felt this way. So it was hard to me. But i found a way to talk to him, and i tried to talk to him from time to time to get to know him etc, soon i started to give him birthday presents. I can't say we were close at the time i started giving him presents and i wonder what he thought.. He worked as admin in our computer class (part time job to pay his education, so i often went to him).

I found out he likes football. He runs studen't football club at our uni. So one day (after 2 year when i first met him, still there was no progression in our relationships, i called him from time to time to know how he is doing etc, just to keep in contact with him.  so one day i offered him help with posters and site design for football league (i'm good at photoshop and now i work as graphic designer). He agreed. And we started to chat more often, It was about work, but i was happy i can just talk to him more often. Soon, after a year of doing work for football club, i started to help him with other his projects, had to do a lot more work. 

Important thing that he met a new girlfriend at the time and spent a lot of time with her. I was lil jealous about it, especially when i saw them hugging going together. (fall 2011)

Ok i will skip to this year (fall2012). Ok so i helped him a lot, gave him really good presents(he said it himself, because i gave him presents that fit his character and the situation. YOu know its when you know what you should give to a man to make him really happy. I always been careful at choosing a present for him, Christmas 2011 present was so good, i thought he'll hug me so happy he was, but he said thank you man for real and we shaked hands.) 

I forgot to tell you about important thing. He got fatter recently. He was slim, with no belly, he had 6pack, but now he has a little belly that drives me crazy haha. I always complement him with it, or ocasionally rub it when i have a chance. He is ok with it. He smiles when i do it. Once we were heading home together (in the winter i often called him to take a walk together to home (we have to get to the same busstop), and we talked about sports etc, and suddenly he said he got fatter (i didn't tell ppl or him that he got fatter, sill kinda shy to tell this), and his belly got so big like a whole piece of fat. And! He said he will take a photo of it and will show it to me. And asked me not to show it to other ppl. I was absolutely shocked to hear this. He offered to do a thing i was dreamt of himself. oh boy. Of course i promised him i won't show and he said he will stuff himself hard and will take a photo.

So my question is: What should i do to achieve my ultimate goal? (to have some intimacy with him like bellyrubbing together or maybe stuffing together (kinda tricky as he says he's busy always and i guess busy with his girfriend)

So. Finally (last week) i got so depressed with this situation (it got bit better since we chatted a bit and i met him every week before it, we meet to discuss football league works, very brief meetings), i decided to meet up with him tet-a-tet and discuss our relationships.

A day before on a football league meeting he offered people to tell what they dislike about him to see what he is doing wrong in ruling the league. So i told him it a good idea, after all it helps you to get better. So first i told him my concept of relationships. That they are like scales, and if you do something good to your friend, the white ball appears, and if you do something bad or not doing something when you should, a black ball appears. So i told him in my eyes scales is 50/50 and it depends on him what will happen next, because i close to 'break up' with him, because i'm not satisfied with our friendship.  Then i told him i try to be his best friend not only his business partner. And he does not value it. He said that he has 3 groups of friends and with 2 of them he is not close like best friends in mine understanding - its his football team and his business team. 3rd one is his gf. there is also a 4th group - his school friend, he knows him for 6 years. The reason why he don't go further in friendship - is he don't want to make business with friends, because when we begin to earn a lot of money the quarrels would begin. I told i'm totally agree with this point of view. But i said there's always exceptions. 

He asked me what i understand when i say friendship. I was unable to say it clear at the time. In the very end i told him about his belly, i told him he got so fat (in a jokingly way) and poked his belly few times. He said he goes to exercise and offered me to go with him , i said i cant afford it at the time (really bit too expensive for me) but will once i can, and i reminded him about the photo he own me for 9 month hehe, he said he will stuff himself hard today and take a photo of his belly. I said his belly distract me hehe, and he said what is this some kind of belly-mania? i told him yeah, i think its funny. He said i probably have a gallery of bellies on my pc. I couldn't tell the truth, i just laughed. 

So is there anything i can do to become his best friend, and is this possible at all?

It was Tuesday we had this talk. Wednesday i met with him again i gave him his money. When we talked about friendship and business, he reminded me of a summer. When an organisation where he worked owned me a money for work i've done, and they delayed the pay everytime, and finally they gave the money he told me, and he gave me  that money. But when we talked about friendship and business he reminded me of this and asked me what i thought, i said i thought this stupid big bosses can't pay me the money. He said no, you thought that I stole your money, they never paid, i gave you my own money. I was shocked. Telepathy is an enemy to every relationship. (you said about it in your blog)  I told him about it, and said i trust him a lot and that was really stupid and i know he wouldn't stole money (i know its really so, he is fair). But he managed to return me 2/3 of money as a bonus for all the work i've done for him, i was sceptic about so sudden bonus but had to take it, he wanted to give me all (payings for my future work as he said) but i really protested. He wrote me today again about work things.. so we still chatting and i'll see how it will go.

P.S lil addition. I said i was shy about showing off my bloated belly. Now i more confident with it, i even posted some pics on my fb profile (my way of finding out if my friends are into it). Also i sent some photos to me friends (i sent them to my significant one, but doubt he saw them, at least no comments were made at it was time ago before we started to communicate closer). and they laughed at it and overall was positive about it but no one liked it the way gainers like it. thanks to this i became more self-concerned about my belly. but still kinda shy to talk about i want to gain or that i've gained with my friends, well, mainly because i don't have some here. just office mates. And my SigO. .. Well, i have one friend i visited him in the other town, and i lift my shirt up and show my belly to him and comment how fat i got lol compared to him and he rubs my belly and i rub his. Kinda shy to do this when my SigO near, well mainly because we don't hang out, i didn't had a chance to talk him tet-a-tet since tuesday you know **************************************************************************** (BTW, at the writer's suggestion, I edited out a lot of information, since he went into a lot of details) Sigh, this is one of the things I hate about doing this site.  See, in doing actual therapy, I would rarely if ever tell a patient (a patient gets meds) or a client (a client doesn’t), “Oh, here’s what your problem is, and here’s what you do to solve it.”  A good therapist is a sort of “guide,” who helps someone head in a more useful direction—but with a really good therapist, the client makes his or her own decision to change.  See- if a therapist tells you  “do x” and your life improves, it’s easy to become dependent upon the therapist to continue to tell you what to do. But if a therapist is a good guide, he or she can not only point you in the right direction, but step aside so you never need him/her again.  You learn to make your own healthy decisions that shape your life. But that also means if I tell you on a site like this, “do x” and it’s so not what you want to hear, you automatically reject it, and keep doing what’s made you unhappy for such a long time. Which means, ultimately I haven’t done anything helpful. But since you asked—here’s the bottom line.   As the movie title goes, “He’s Just Not That Into You.” No matter how much you want him, and ask me how you should manipulate him to be the person you want him to be—it’s just not going to happen. He’s been very clear he’s arranged his life into compartments. He’s cataloged relationships into specific places (including business associates and “girlfriend”) and you’re just not going to fit into his scheme of things as a boyfriend, bellyguy, or significant other. I’ve been around for so long, I’ve seen this happen over and over again. “A” wants “B,” but “B” doesn’t want “A” in “that way.” “A” ups the ante (is that too much slang? It’s from certain card games, where you invest in “the pot” in the hopes of winning, but you haven’t won yet, and you get to the point, of “Do I keep investing more and more in the hopes I hit the jackpot, or do I go ahead and accept the fact I can lose everything I’ve invested, so I shouldn’t put even more into the pot, but simply ‘fold’ and move on with my life to find someone who can eventually love/care about me in the way I want to be loved/cared about?” Your friend has reacted the way a lot of straight men do around gay/bisexual men who desire them (and even if you don't now identify as gay or bisexual, your behavior is the same as a gay or bisexual man).  They feel really complimented. They feel desirable, even when the audience they really want to notice them (girlfriends) won’t turn out the way they want. It’s a “no lose” situation for the straight guy.  “No matter what I do, this guy will still be there for me.  No matter how little I give to him, he will always give more. If I ignore him, he will actually increase what he offers to me.  He will give me gifts that will be far more valuable than anything I have ever given him.  Even if I tell him I’ve interfered with his income, he’ll actually end up being grateful to me.” He's also not stupid--he's already guessed you have a "belly thing" and a "belly picture collection." If gives you one of his, he'll only be one of many.  There's a Leonard Cohen poem that talks about him giving his fingerprint to the person he loves (your fingerprint is unique) and then he opens a drawer and all the many fingerprints others have given in the same way fall out. Some people don't want to be just "one of the many." Just so—why would he ever change your shared dynamic?—he gets so much of what he values, without ever having to give anything back to you that you value other than a little attention, and a “pat on the head.”  He doesn’t even give you what you’ve specifically asked for—such as a photo of his bloated belly. And again—here’s what you so don’t want to hear—if you really push for what you want, his response will be to push back on you as a form of rejection.  The most you can hope for is to get him drunk enough that for one short evening he responds the way you want him to—and then for the rest of your lives he will blame you for “making” him do what he did. There is a country western song called the Gambler—the chorus is: You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run.” It’s time to walk away and find a guy who will want you in the way you want him.  This is a guy-if you continue on this path, who will accept what you offer, and go home to his girlfriend/wife.  He may accept (on rare occasions, particularly when drunk) certain behaviors from you—but the bottom line is—you’ve been paying for it. I think you deserve more than to “pay for it.”  I think you should find a relationship of equals. Someone who can not only give back to you, but will enjoy doing so. That’s what you deserve.  Will you get this with him? Sadly, no. but please remember this—if you can find someone who can treat you as an equal, the experience will be so much better than anything this guy can ever offer you. You've spent literally years investing in this relationship, and you've framed it in "scales" where in a relationship you want, both sides are going to offer something of recognized value. This man has failed to do that to your satisfaction for years.  That's not going to change.  And to give him credit--he's been completely upfront with you of how he makes sense of his world.  In my mom's language, we don't really have a word for "friend."  When pressed, we'll tell people the word is Yelp, but that word really means "trading partner." It doesn't have the meaning the English word does.  For us, in our language, others are "enemy," "family," or "trading partner," where there is a definite "accounting" that goes on, where like you've suggested, it's like "scales" and a white ball/black ball, where you strive to be fair in your exchange. I don't think he even counts as a Yelp to you because even you've been clear he's failed to offer a balanced relationship.  And from what you've told me--he will never be "family" to you (which includes a Significant Other/Mate/Lover).  You deserve more than you will ever get from him. And finally--does someone like a therapist, who has been trained to know how to change behavior--have the "power" to teach you to "control" a person to do what you want him to do? I won't lie to you. Really experienced psychologists do indeed have "the power" to manipulate the behaviors of (some but not all) people. This is done all the time in politics and marketing. But the question you really need to ask--do you really want someone you have to "magic"/manipulate to want you back? That will never be a relationship of partners/equals.  And like misers who spend their entire lives solely devoted to becoming richer--if your efforts are only to get him to do what you want--here's the end of "the Devil's bargain:" Once the person you've manipulated to do what you want him to do discovers what you've done--he'll hate you for it.  People who really care for someone don't manipulate him.  Negotiation is not manipulation--it's a bargaining or arrangement between equals.  To the credit of your friend--at least in talking about the football league, he's explored the idea of how equals will be open about what can be better in a relationship.  I so hope you find someone you deserve who will be happy to treat you better than this man.