What Do You Call A Gainer Who Wants To Be Fed By A Muscular Man?

I was wondering if there is a term for a gainer who wants to be fed by a muscular man, medical/slang/whatever.

Thanks for your time,
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The "clinical" terms used to describe what some call "kinks" and "fetishes" became popular in the late 1800's which is when the field of “psychology” was developing.  In many ways, this was due to an attempt to move away from the legal and religious terminology that dominated at that time, classifying certain behaviors as “perversions” or “sodomy.”  There was a surge of what are called "neologisms" (literally "new" - "words")many of which were invented by my old friend (mayherestinpeace) John Money, a sexologist who worked at John Hopkins University.   I first worked with John at the Kinsey Institute.  To be perfectly frank, there are some in the sex research community who felt John went “overboard” in manufacturing exotic and pedantic terms for very specific issues of sexuality.  John, who was “sex positive” in his outlook wanted to use the term paraphilia (meaning “beyond standard love”) to deliberately move away from a judgmental way of talking about eroticism, but frankly, this never caught on.  It remains a term of diagnosis within the medical model.

Many of these behaviors were not commonly known about (until the invention of the internet, where you can find just about anything on sexuality) because they only came to the attention of medical professionals if something went “wrong.”  I recall a specific instance in our clinic where a patient came in who for years had inserted piano wire into his urethra (the lay term is “pee-hole”) as part of eroticism.  He was quite satisfied with doing this, and the only reason he came to the clinic was because his urethra had become infected.  In 1980, “paraphilia” became the standard term through the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, the “bible” of mental health professionals—in other words, this is the term we “have” to use for insurance purposes in medical records.

In point of fact, from a clinical perspective, there are only a handful of paraphilias used in the diagnosis of a patient, focusing on generalized behavior.  These include such behaviors as pedophilia and exhibitionism.   As you can easily see, this is where there’s an often uncomfortable overlap between the legal system and mental health.  Does that make sense?  If I diagnose someone with exhibitionism, it’s often because he (and it’s usually a he) is exposing himself to non-consenting audiences, which frequently results in his arrest. 

 This is one of the reasons I try so hard to educate people to use terms like “kinky” to describe what floats their boat because some of the clinical terms may have some very unfortunate legal implications.  While there are relatively few paraphilias listed in the DSM, there are over 500 specific terms for erotic related behaviors, some of which are rarely seen, like the guy with piano wire.

To the best of my knowledge (probably because this community started receiving more attention after John died) no one has bothered to use a Latin or Greek word base to define various forms of "feederism."  The closest is Vorarephilia, which simply based on the Latin, should mean a kinky love for eating, but as you no doubt know, has taken on the meaning of devouring (a word that has the same Latin root) or swallowing someone whole, being swallowed or devoured in such a way, or to watch this being done. The Latin root doesn't simply mean "to eat" but is like the difference in German between "essen" and "freesen"--humans "eat" (essen) but "wild animals" will "wolf down" food (fressen).

In current usage,  sthenolagnia is a kink defined as “Sexual arousal from displaying Muscles.”  You would therefore be aroused by a form of Sthenolagnic Feederism.

One of the problems I have as a therapist, is the majority of clinical terms are "disease based"--in other words, they are used to describe what's "gone wrong" or something that's "sick."  For me, the word "feederism" doesn't have that connotation.

Just so, there is the word "sitophilia" where someone is aroused by food, which would include eating, or the erotic use of food--for example, smearing chocolate on your partner's nipples and then licking the chocolate off.  But words with the suffix "-philia" are not intended to be "healthy" words.  For me to diagnose someone with sitophilia would mean he or she is incapable of developing a healthy relationship with another human being, just as someone with podophilia is someone who only wants to use a woman’s shoe for sexual purposes and doesn’t care about the woman who owns the shoe.

The suffix “lagnia” is focused on the act or the behavior involved.  With this reasoning, we might substitute sitolagnia for sitophilia, which would remove the “dysfunctional” diagnosis.   This is a long way to go for the term “sthenolagnic sitolagnia” to describe someone who is turned on by being fed by a well muscled feeder.  In all honesty, I suspect if you “ran this by” a random psychologist or sex researcher, their first attempt to make sense of the term probably wouldn’t be  a gainer who enjoys being fed by a muscle stud, but if I published on the topic, I could justify using it.  For example, sitophilia is sometimes used to describe the use of a human body as a “table” from which eat food, such as sushi.  This was not the original meaning of the word, and certainly John Money would have loved to come up with something more specific.  Hope this helps—in my experience, sthenolagnic sitolagnia is often expressed as an interest in the gaining community.

Oh, jeez—now I suppose someone is going to write in and ask the clinical term for a gainer who wants to be fed by a left-handed fat guy, lol.

Thinking About A Divorce...

I was just wondering if anyone here has divorced or ended a serious relationship to pursue a gaining lifestyle. My marriage is pretty much on the rocks, and even though I am not very fat my wife hates what little weight I have gained. This pretty much makes me want to say "***" and not work very hard on saving the marriage. Then I could get as fat as I want, and maybe get with someone who likes me fat. There are no kids involved, by the way. Just wondering if anyone has had this experience?

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Well, in my experience as a Family Therapist specializing in Couples...

I would say for you to ask others  about this means on a fundamental level you've already made your decision.


I would suggest it would be useful to engage in at least a few therapy sessions--not to "fix" your marriage, but to peacefully and respectfully disengage. Some of what you describe would indicate there is already anger present, and few things can fan that anger better than blaming each other during the divorce proceedings. There are social workers and counselors who specialize in mediation of this type. It makes it so much cleaner and safer when you've decided to end the coupleship.  Believe me, it's worth the cost of the sessions in what you can save from a nasty divorce.

The other thing I lecture on a lot--people will often repeat certain patterns in relationships (This is what we call professionally, "This time I know I can make it work!").

In essence, a person can have 3 or 4 relationships with different people, but it's basically the same relationship. It would save both of you a lot of pain if you can identify what some of these repeat patterns are so you don't have to have an unfortunate relationship next time--or that she doesn't. I think that's one of the real values of therapy. Notice I'm not addressing the weight gain--as one of the other board members mentioned, I also don't feel this is really about gaining.

It may, however, be related to you claiming yourself and your needs. You're getting big enough to be noticed by her on many levels, and not all of it is around weight.

What Should I Tell My Friends?

hi i just want to get this of me. i have gaind some weight so now my friends are starting to notice. and it dosent feel so good. but i want to get bigger and i like my body now when i have gaind more weight i feel really good about my body but now when i meet my friends i suck my belly in so i look smaller. should i continue gaining or stop.
seens im to shy to tell my friends that i want to get fat. so stop or gain. what do you think? ,,,i like showing of my fat. when i am in some other city i just walk around loving that peopel are looking at me becuse im fat. but when it comes to the people i know its anoter thing. when they see me i get emberest but when people i dont know see me it feels great. and i feel great being fat. but im nervous of what my friends while think.

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How about this as a practical suggestion?

From your original post, it sounds as if you see telling your friends you want to gain or like being fatter needs to be an attempt to convince them that you are "correct."

Perhaps you can move away from this idea? Obviously from your experience, what you are doing is "correct" for you.

Many people who care (i.e., family/friends)about someone who starts piling on pounds react from the commercial programming they have from television news and ads, which is basically "if you get fat, you will die." (Of course, if you eat only "healthy" things and maintain a 5% body fat...you eventually die as well. Very "fit" people also get hit by buses or fall off a mountain by rock climbing. Monitoring your weight or size doesn't promise you eternal life. It certainly promises you a deprived life.)

Most people on this site have spent in many cases, YEARS coming to terms with gaining and being large. I suspect your friends and family have never given that sort of attention and thought to the matter, so just have a "knee-jerk" (automatic) reaction when they see someone quickly gain, based on the media.

So--

Why not bring up the subject as a fact. In other words, it sounds as if you are fearfully waiting for others to bring up your weight gain and force you to defend yourself or to lose weight to please them. Instead, the next time you're around them, pat a body part (your choice) and say something like: "Oh my goodness, I've put on so much weight, I could barely fit into this. I really enjoy having the freedom to eat what I want and I'm having fun feeling large and in charge. I can hardly wait to have to buy a larger size!" Then laugh. You are being honest. You are letting them know your gaining is no secret and that you're not in denial, and that you're fine with growing even larger.

The only argument a friend can make at this point is to fall back into the "it's not healthy" claptrap. Smile and explain you've had a checkup and your health is great. If they do the "no guy will want to date you if you're fat" stupid comment, then again--don't fight them. Laugh in their face for saying something so ridiculous. Lift one eyebrow and say, "that's not my personal experience. There are a lot of guys out there who believe in 'more cushion for the pushin' and that well fed partners make the best lovers. You know, if you gained 20 pounds, maybe YOU'D have better luck dating..."

Remember—you’re not “fighting” or arguing with anyone…to do so gets into a debate, and you should not have to do that. It’s your body—your rules. If someone comments they find you less attractive with the new weight, again, don’t fight, but laugh in that person’s face and say, “then it’s a good thing I have no interest in dating YOU, isn’t it? Your other focus should be on how now being larger makes YOU feel better about yourself. The bottom line message—you are happy with yourself and where you are in life—and honey, I assure you, most of your friends wish they could say the same about themselves.

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well thank you so mutch everyone . And i tryed what you siad (Professor Fatology) and it worked one of my friends thinks its nice that im gaining and the rest is not so happy about it but i hope they will get used to it and accept it. and all the exampels u made i got to say to but in my way hehe. but thank you so much. now i feel totaly good about it. and it was nice to go around and not pull my belly in today. so thank you all <3

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I am very proud of you

Now--go have a cookie! You've earned it :)

I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

It's just that sometimes I want to get so fat but I'm afraid to do it.  I would like some advice from anyone, please!

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Two of the questions I'll ask during the first session with a Patient/Client:

"What would happen if you DID do this?

"What would happen if you DIDN'T do this?"

In many casbes, these are very useful questions, because they help explore what are practical/reasonable concerns, and what is "head noise" where you begin to focus on what is non-sense.

For example, If you DID gain weight, "girls won't desire me." Conclusion: "There are girls that don't desire me now, at this size. There will always be someone who finds someone smaller than me more desirable, someone who finds someone bigger than me more desirable, someone who finds me as I am more desirable" (Sounds like Goldilocks!)

Or one of the ones that comes up a lot--"If I go ahead and do X, then what will happen is I will do XXXXXX!" I've had patients who trip out on: "Gosh, I've asked her out on a first date, but what if we got married and had 4 kids? I kinda like the idea of 4 kids. Maybe she doesn't want that many kids...oh, this isn't going to work out. I should call her and cancel our date...."

Or, perhaps one of yours: "Oh, gosh, I could go ahead and gain 10 pounds, like some people have suggested, but if I do, I'll end up gaining so much, I'm immobile." If you've been on this site for a bit, you'll find that the majority of people who choose as a goal being over 500 pounds on their way to being immobile--don't make it. And these are people who say they want to do it.

Some may have this as a fantasy, but the overwhelming majority of people go through various shapes and sizes over their lifetimes. They often settle on a particular size and weight for a number of reasons--what feels "good/right", what medical requirements exist/develop, and changes in lifestyle/employment (i.e., you join a softball team and really enjoy it, but the additional exercise causes some weight loss).

What are the chances of you becoming "very fat?" I don't know. I don't know how you personally define "very fat." Are you going to end up over 500 pounds and immobile because you gained those first 10 pounds? I'd say the chances are amazing against you getting that big. Even if you are in a relationship with a feeder.

And as for your family? You self-identify as Latino--in my rather extensive experience in the SW (your profile says you're in Texas)--I'm originally from New Mexico, and I currently live in Arizona)--I'm going to go out on a limb and say people in your extended family aren't going to shocked by you ended up heavier than you are now. In fact, (unless, like some members of the board report--you have parents who are Fitness fanatics who micromanage all food intake)you might be surprised

when you do gain weight, you discover family members tell you how much better you look and how they were scared you'd be skinny your whole life.

In some Latino communities, there's the expectation when you (male or female) get married, you gain weight. With some families this is a matter of pride, because it shows the wife is a talented cook and a successful wife, and it shows the husband is successful at putting food on the table (while these may seem a bit dated in terms of gender stereotypes to some readers...I only report what I have experienced).

If this is true in your extended family, there may be an attitude what you are skinny because you are single, but when you "settle down," in a relationship, you'll become an adult, and an adult is bigger than a kid.


I'd also suggest you try to take an objective look at your extended family. How many are them are as slender as you are now? What's the percentage of chubby people in your extended family? Is there a pattern where members of your family who are say, under 25 are all skinny, and those over 30 are all chubby? If so, what does that say to you as a 23 year old?

Do I think you should take 10 pounds for a test drive? Yeah, based on your comments and your deviantART stuff (which I enjoyed), I'd say you're getting to the point you're ready to take a chance.

Good luck Wish you the best whatever you decide.

Can Straight Men Be Sexually Attracted By Growing Guys ?

 I have a friend, a 50 years old. He's like a daddy for me. He likes seeing me growing and fattening. When I visit him after a long time, he's always amazed by my belly. He can tell me if I became more huge since my last visit (he sells jeans wear for men).
Since a few months, I'm a bit disappointed because sometimes, I have that impression that he doesn't look only at my belly, but at the bulge of my pants too ! And sometimes, when we walked together in the street, he put his hand quickly on that bulge as it was unvoluntary.
I would have thought that is really unvoluntary if I didn't have this persistent feeling that he's attracted by my dick.
I know this man is straight and he's married. And he's an awesome chubby guy too.


I think actually that fat belly growing increases sex-appeal and can make a straight man being attracted by you if you have already some close and virile friendship with him.


But not sure it would be a good idea to pass from a friendly relation to a sexual relation with him, if such my opinion was true.


...he showed me always that appearance of a straight guy since I know him. I had that vision of him since years and I never thought that he could be other than the one that I had imagined myself.


It's maybe the reason why I'm feeling a bit surprised and I ask to myself which kind of relation we can have together now.

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The more important question to ask is one I suspect you've been thinking about--what sort of relationship DO you want with the gentleman?

I don't get any sense that you are overly offended by his attention, and a lot of sense that you've enjoyed his approval over an extended period of time.

I don't know your age, but as a sex researcher and family therapist, I find it's not at all unusual for a younger gay man to really appreciate the attentions of a "Daddy" (to use your term) who provides a lot of the approval that might not have come from his biological father, particularly if the biological father was homophobic.

The challenge for the "adoptive Daddy" is an appropriate boundary line.  If both are comfortable with a sexual expression, then that's great--a real "win/win" situation. 

The problem is if one wants to push for a sexual expression and the other isn't comfortable with it.  In other words, if that's not what you want, then for him to push a sexual agenda would be exploitive.  Older men (in general--certainly there are exceptions) are often in more of a "power" position in the sense of experience, financial stability, self confidence, and other qualities that many "boys" find attractive, because they would like to have that level of "power" as well.   For some boys, that admiration doesn't include sex.

Some "boys" may be ok with the idea of expanding the relationship to include sex, but hesitate for other reasons.  For example, going by your original post, this may be a sort of "Uncle/Aunt" experience...they may not be related by blood, but are what are called in anthropology "fictive kin," in which case "fooling around" with him would feel like "cheating" on the wife/"aunt."  That can potentially get messy if the wife begins to suspect the two of you are no longer "just friends."

Along that line...it would not be unusual in situations like this for him to have more "boys" in his life (or past) that you aren't aware of, but his wife is.  This is the truth of a LOT of marriages (remember, I'm a Family Therapist specializing in couples, so I'm speaking from experience)--where there's frequently a "shadow partner" (mistress, trick, affair) for the husband (or for that matter, the wife).  The wife is often complicit with this, for a number of reasons.  For example, maybe she had been sexually abused, and chose a partner who doesn't push her for sex, and is relieved when he goes "somewhere else" to satisfy himself.  She may also be unhappy he's having other sexual partners, but stays in the relationship for reasons other than sex--financial security, appearances, religious reasons, "for the sake of the children," etc.

I'm also assuming he knows you're gay, in which cases a lot of older (over 50) guys make an assumption all young gays are available for a grope or grab.  I know this is hard to understand for someone who grew up with the internet, but for a lot of older guys who like to engage sexually with other guys (whether they self-identify as bi, gay, or straight themselves), they grew up when that was not only illegal, but you never knew when you'd ever run across a guy with the same interests, so when you found one, there was no question that you'd have sex with each other.

On a personal disclosure level, this was a great shock to me, as well as an older friend I knew from lecturing at his university over the years.  When he offered to drive me to my next lecture (at another university) and we had to spend the night in a hotel, I didn't know he expected us to have sex, and he later told me it was a learning experience for him to discover that wasn't my intention.  He lived in a very rural area, where the only other gay man he had discovered on various internet searches was over 100 miles away.  This is relevant because he had been married for over 20 years and had a couple of children.  The wife had married him knowing he preferred men.  He managed for some time by regularly attending Body Electric (an erotic workshop, originally designed for gay and bi men) functions in the nearest large city to him, where he knew he'd get his sexual needs met, and then he could be celibate until the next workshop.  He eventually chose to divorce his wife and he's now living in Canada with his husband.

An American Indian friend of mine has an arrangement with his wife where periodically he leaves the reservation in Montana and spends a weekend in Seattle with the express purpose of having sex with men.

One of my cousins in New Mexico had sex with other men while married to his wife.  She found out when he thought he had been exposed to HIV and told her she needed to get tested as well.  Fortunately they were both negative, but she ended up hospitalized with depression...in other words; she didn't handle it very well.  They're now divorced and he's in a long term relationship with another guy.  She made some really close friendships within the gay community after joining some support groups for people in similar situations--gay men married to women.  They have two adopted children, which I suspect reflects a situation I described earlier...where she wasn't looking for a sexual relationship in their marriage, and he wasn't seeking one with a woman.

And who knows?  Others have immediately jumped to the conclusion most guys are not "completely straight" and lumped this guy into that category.  One of the things I'm always investigating as a Family Therapist is "family history."  We all have "Lovemaps" (your erotic "landscape"--what turns you on--which in your case, I suspect includes having a well bellied partner).  If he's known you for some time, it's quite possible you "grew" into his Lovemap.  Does that make sense?  You sometimes see this in movie plots or novels, where the "hero" suddenly realizes "the little girl" in his life has blossomed into a desirable woman he then romances.  Perhaps he has enjoyed your company for a long time, but when you were younger and thinner, you didn't "trigger" an erotic response for him.  Perhaps now you do.

So--this comes back to figuring out what it is you want.  Here's something I also hear a lot in the gay community--"Sex is easy to find...intimacy is not."  In other words, a lot of gay guys who have "been around the block" a lot, will value a friendship so much, they don't want to risk it by adding sex to the mix, since sexual relationships may have a very short lifespan.

I do find with a lot of younger gays, they are more comfortable with the idea of "friends with bonuses," where they don't have this hesitation of sometimes having sex with friends.

You also don't indicate how frequently you see the gentleman--but I get the impression you're not seeing him on say, a weekly basis.  I'm just trying to imagine if you change the nature of your relationship, if this would be a factor.  In other words, if you start seeing him more often, will the wife start to wonder why?  I mentioned earlier that many wives accept the "other" (man/woman), but there are others who have made it very clear to the husband --"NO MORE!" after having discovered him in bed with someone else.  In this case, expanding your relationship to include sex may be something he would desire, but may not act out on it because of the potential negative consequence should his wife find out (again).

Does Getting Bigger Mean A Lower Sex Drive?

I’ve been told that the bigger you get the less Sex drive you have... which sucks! Is this true or is it mainstream media telling lies again??

As I think I’ve shared on here before, I’m a therapist and sex researcher, and I went into the field primarily because I wanted to figure out why I was turned on by a well built belly. My sex research has focused on Inter-racial Same-Sex Couples, but I’ve also had the opportunity to speak with and interview a number of men in the “gaining community,” although I have not had a chance to speak to nearly as many women.

I think it’s important to distinguish between different groups, or otherwise it’s going to end up like saying “All African-Americans…” or “Every White person…” I learned so much when I went to Holland to present on my findings and sat in on a lecture by a local therapist who announced in her presentation there were “no healthy lesbian couples.” Since I had personally interviewed several, I raised my hand and asked where she got her data. She answered from her patients.

It’s really crappy research to only interview people who are seeking help. Let me tell you, as a therapist, I rarely see someone come in to tell me, “You know, I’m really doing great but I think I can be even better!”

People who are in a really good headspace don’t tend to seek therapy. People in crisis often do.

Just so, I find it reasonable unless you deliberately seek a random population base, it’s easiest to get information from patients, or people with problems. A lot of people who belong to sites like this get left out.

A) From my “orientation” as a therapist, I follow the lead of Milton Erickson—“What we call a neurosis is the complex way in which a patient deals indirectly with his problem.” In other words, if the person could deal DIRECTLY with his or her problem, the person wouldn’t need therapy. As a therapist I have worked with (and the literature is out there) both men and women who were sexually abused and tried to indirectly “reject” sexual overtures from others by treating fat as a type of “body armor.” In the gay community, I’ll also see that with what are sometimes called “Muscle Marys." These are men who try to get huge muscles as a type of body armor. For men and women in this category, sex is a problem—and it isn’t a problem about the Fat/Muscle. The gain—of fat or muscle, isn’t about celebrating sex—it’s about trying to avoid sex. Believe me, with these folks, sex is going to be a problem no matter what size they are. For those of us who are FA/Encouragers/Chasers, these are the types that are a really bad match because they can’t figure out why the fat they unconsciously are trying to use to reject sexual/sensual overtures actually attract them. They can get terrified and/or angry with the (for them) frightening attention, because on an unconscious level they may fear being sexually assaulted again.

B)  For a lot of the folks on this site and similar ones, they are gaining, or are fat because they are dealing DIRECTLY with their concerns. In that case, gaining or maintaining size is related to “empowerment,” which is always healthy for self-esteem issues. When you combine empowerment and self-esteem, sex drive will often increase.

C) Just so, I have interviewed many people, (and I can also read about them on the forums) for whom gaining is a real turn on. One person shared that he and his wife considered his belly to be “an erogenous zone that keeps getting bigger.”

D) Having taught in a medical school for a number of years, I can also report there are some sexual dysfunctions that are created by medication one’s own physician has prescribed. Blood pressure medication or antidepressants can trigger sexual dysfunction, and because of prejudice on the part of medical personnel, there can be the assumption because you are “older,” or “fat,” of course your sex drive or libido has tanked. This is where some earlier posts are spot on about how media and general cultural attitudes often come to false conclusions.

E)  When a person works hard not to be himself—a Gay guy who does his best to be “straight,” or a gainer who starves himself to please his parents and maintain a 29inch waist—there is a tremendous toll in emotional energy.  Think of it as using this energy to maintain a “cage” that traps the true self.  When that energy is released by the person learning to embrace himself—he embraces the fact he’s Gay, or the fact he’s a gainer—that energy can often manifest in an incredible sex drive.   This means for a “true” gainer, starting to grow after such a long time of starvation can be unbelievably erotic.  This can also be true for someone who is finally in a relationship with someone who is also excited about the weight gain.  In this case, the opposite of your original question is actually the truth…getting bigger means an increased sex drive.

To conclude—people are big for different reasons. Lol—one size does not fit all. If someone were coming for therapy about sexual drive, the immediate questions I’ve been taught to ask--

“Have you been satisfied with your sexual drive before?” If the answer is “Yes,” then I want to know what’s changed, and if the answer is “No,” then it may mean the person needs to learn a new “script” or a new set of skills to get his or her sex drive where it’s operating in a satisfactory manner

WOW...That's very interesting. I always wondered why I lost so much weight unintentionally after a similar situation when I was 17, but this makes sense. But since I loved being big, it was my defense mechanism to be thin instead of fat...hmm. Yes--your situation makes sense to me in a very logical way. I've been taught to think of the unconscious mind as being "child-like" (which to me is a compliment as opposed to "childish". Like a child, the unconscious mind tends to think in very "concrete" ways as opposed to "abstract" ones. This sometimes leads to situations where if "you" were "in charge," you'd do something differently from what your unconscious does. From your "adult" ego standpoint, what your unconscious does seems "odd." For example, there are several cases I know of patients who will lose weight until they are almost hitting their "goal weight" and then completely binge and gain all the weight back. When you talk to them, you discover that when they were at that weight in their past, something terrible happened to them--they were raped--were attacked--were sent to a mental institution. On an unconscious level, they learned to associate being at that size with being hurt/crazy. As an "adult" you can see these two things ("bad experience" and "certain size" are not necessarily connected to one another, but your unconscious doesn't like to take chances lol. I celebrate that you are now able to be the person you want to be.

The Hand You're Dealt...

Following up on XJock’s manifesto on fat recently posted, I thought I’d come back to the theme of “Why,” and the eternal “conflict” involved.   Here are the observations of a big guy who uses the screen name of sfbaydude02, he is a 20something “gainer/encourager/belly-lover/person living in NYC.  You can follow his own blog at:  SFBayDude02 recounts a friend of his calling in about his gaining “kink” to my old friend, Dan Savage, who does a sex-advice column, “Savage Love.”

www.sfbaydude02.blogspot.com

  On a Personal disclosure level, we've corresponded viat the net. 

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But otherwise, Mr. Savage had some pretty sensible advice to give. Anyone who’s ever felt conflicted about this—or any—kink, should give this a listen. I’m sure you’ll hear something in my friend’s voice that sounds altogether familiar. I know I did.KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE

The conversation covers a lot of ground really quick, so there’s plenty to take in, but one of the things that struck me most was that my friend had all his facts straight—they just weren’t connecting to something deeper within him.

You can hear him say that this kink is a part of him and will continue to be for a long time. He seems to know that to be happy, he needs to engage it, whether that means telling a civilian partner about it or dating guys who are into it as well, or even gaining some weight himself.

And yet, he seems to be unable to make the connection between those facts, which he accepts on a conscious, visceral level, and something deeper that’s happening inside him.

No matter what he knows—and what Mr. Savage says—it just doesn’t feel right in his gut (pun intended).

For as much as we like to think that people are rational beings, we’re largely not. We’re emotional beings, which is what makes us so unique.

If we were rational, and always acted in ways that served our own happiness and prosperity, life would be pretty routine and boring.   But we’re unpredictable. We act based as much on feeling as we do on facts, if not moreso.

And the thing about facts is that they don’t always coalesce with our deeper feelings. So even when we accept them (like accepting that this kink isn’t going anywhere and that to be happy, I need to engage it) it’s still hard to make the jump from simply knowing that to really accepting it—and living it.

Deep down inside, I think a lot of us want to be “normal.” Most kinks only manifest themselves in the bedroom. If you like feet or scat or bondage,   all of it happens behind closed doors. So you can engage those kinks and 99 percent of your life can still be “normal.”

But gaining has ramifications for our lives outside the bedroom. Those extra pounds don’t disappear when you climax. And your friends will notice your partner’s added girth.

All of that can make accepting—and I mean truly accepting—this kink a little bit more difficult. Especially when that little voice deep inside you is sending all kinds of mixed messages about your body, your role in life and what others will think of you.CERTAIN MISERY VS A CHANCE AT HAPPINESS

Mr. Savage said something during the conversation that I thought was particularly profound:

“Just like at one point you had to accept your homosexuality, you need to accept that you have this [kink]. And it’s not the [kink] that’s making you miserable. It’s you not reconciling yourself to the [kink] that’s making you miserable—it’s the conflict in your heart that you maintain through not accepting it and having a sense of humor about it.”

In a nutshell: the kink isn’t the problem; the conflict we create about the kink is.

I think that’s an important line to draw for those who are conflicted, because when you view the kink—and with it, your sexuality—as a problem, you end up turning it into an “other”. It becomes something separate from you and damaging to you. So you focus your baggage on that darn kink. If only you could shake it off, everything would be better.

By turning something that is naturally a part of us into an “other,” we keep ourselves from accepting it. The only way to get over that is to take all that anxiety and fear and refocus it. Instead of hating and resenting the kink, hate and resent the conflict you have with the kink.

Make that conflict the thing that needs to go away, not the desire to get bigger or make someone else bigger.

Mr. Savage continued with his advice:

“You’re miserable right now. You have the certain misery of continuing on as you have up until this point. Or you have what? Maybe you’ll be open about and some people will be shitty about it, and you’ll feel a little bad about it. But only by being open about it will you meet other people who are open about it and self-accepting about it, and find some happiness and contentment. It’s just like when you’re in the closet, when your option is certain misery in the closet or a chance of happiness out.”

The idea of accepting this kink and all that goes with it can be scary (it is uncertain, after all), but it’s a wholly happier prospect than ignoring or suppressing it.

My friend on the call refers to being dealt a weird hand. I think all of us were dealt weird hands, but I’d hardly call them bad hands.

We can’t control the cards we’re dealt. That’s for certain. But we sure as hell can decide how we play them.

Fit In? Or Bust Out! Meet XJock

The most common question I find asked about gaining and fat admiration is a variation of “Why?”  I’ve certainly tried to answer this a number of times, but I thought I would also share the observations of someone else, and recommend you visit his site— www.xjock.net

XJock is a thirty-something, well, “ex-jock” lol.  He suggests “We need to expand, extend and blow-up our ideas of what's hot.” He goes into a lot of detail about how he wasn’t happy with his stereotypical “hot jock body” and improved it by piling on the pounds.  One caution for those of you who are a bit prudish when it comes to nudity and videos of people having sex, either as a solo act or with a partner.  Xjock is very comfortable in not only sharing images and videos of himself and his boyfriend (who obviously enjoys having more boyfriend to jiggle) and he also puts up videos of others who excite him.  Having written that let me point out his site is not exclusively about sex demonstrations.

Another interesting aspect of Xjock is his enjoyment of what’s often referred to in the Gaining (and BDSM) community as “humiliation.”  I think I’ll do a separate post about this in the future, but I’ll let Xjock describe in his own words why he actively seeks this sort of response.  You can also visit his Youtube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/xxJock

***********

XJock’s Manifesto:  FUCKING WITH BINARIES: 

FIT vs. FAT

[This is an excerpt from an e-mail response to a curious inquirer.]

…In terms of “gainer culture” I am unsure where I locate myself, that is, I am merely someone who had a body that was considered “hot” and now has a body that is considered “not (as) hot” by our society’s arbitrary and misinformed standards of beauty. Some guys who participate in this blog might say this is a hypocritical and somewhat dishonest thing to say, since I clearly get a lot of pleasure out of having a bigger, fuller body. However, this pleasure comes not from a desire to be something that I am not, but an enjoyment of what I am (literally- such as rubbing my dick against my belly). I also happen to be an unapologetic narcissist and an exhibitionist which allowed me to collect all these images over time (proof of how our bodies change) and place them in a pseudo-narrative of weight gain. And this narrative that I’ve generated serves two purposes: first (and foremost) to get me off, and second, to force us to question our ideas of what we consider “hot” and “ugly” (regardless of what turns you on or not). I don’t plan to change anything, I just want to fuck with the ideals that we hold on to and shoot a nice load in the process.

I like how gainer culture turns typical beauty standards upside down as it forces us to question what we think of as “natural ideas of beauty and health”. As I grew up with these ideals and eventually was able to have the body that I thought I always wanted, I realized that it didn’t make me as happy as I thought it would (I felt like I was holding on to it for someone else). So instead, I decided to focus on exercise as a way to make me feel good (instead to “make me look like society would want me to look”). It sounds cheesy, but I believe that accepting oneself to the point of getting rid of many insecurities is part of being mentally healthy (much healthier than having a flat stomach, and that’s an understatement).

As for the unique nature of the blog (tease | bully | praise | worship), the dynamic that is generated here through people’s active participation gives me a lot of pleasure (both sexual and intellectual– not that these are separate). It interests me and amuses me that it shocks or confuses most people. On the one hand, I feel like I am self confident enough to take pleasure on what a lot of people fear the most: being bullied or teased because of the way one looks. On the other hand (and on a larger level), I believe that by welcoming and asking for insults, the blog takes the power away from them as it repurposes them for sexual pleasure when normally they are supposed to be an expression of social power and dominance: a way to control others and to put them down (to destroy people’s self esteem).

I can tell you that your instincts are right in that calling this a “fat fetish” is not the best term. Not because it might offend people (it certainly doesn’t offend me) but because culturally speaking, the term fetish, relegates a source of pleasure not only to a minority practice (nothing wrong with that) but most importantly, it takes away the implications of that sexual activity (fetish) for the entire society out of which that minority is from.
Ideas of what is “beautiful” are ideologically charged. That is, these are influenced by a particular society’s beliefs in a whole range of subjects. The idea of the “hot jock” necessitates its counterpart, the “fat ass” or the “skinny wimp/dork/nerd”, just as “good” needs “evil” in order for the binary to be powerful and relevant. I don’t want to get any deeper into this but I must say that these binaries (e.g.: fat vs. thin, jocks vs. dorks) not only serve as a source of inspiration for popular fiction (I’m sure you can think of many books, movies and TV shows) but also affect people’s experiences of growing up (many people have issues with weight, skinny or fat).

XJock’s Manifesto “Take 2”:BE CRUEL TO 

THE CULT OF THE FIT BODY

The cult of the fit body is an unhealthy one at heart masked under the guise of health and well-being. It is about restricting and conforming our bodies to a single mold; if we were all to follow this ideal, we’d all look like mass produced – identical drones, effectively eliminating our character and making it impossible for us to celebrate and get pleasure from difference.

Growing our bodies and/or taking pleasure in seeing other’s grow is an act of erotic transgression and an active worshipping of what society has demonized through pseudo-scientific discourse as “unhealthy”. Finding a balance between our desire to maintain life (health, excersise, diet) and our pleasure in what makes us different should never trump our individuality, and being big does not necessarily mean that all fatties will die of a heart attack. The desire to be big is only related to obesity on the surface. That is, wanting to be big and the desire and pleasure we take in growing cannot be conceived as a form of disease. Rather, the desire to worship and rejoice in what’s big shows our desire to transgress the prison that our bodies have become: to challenge, disrupt and question the norm in regards to what we consider “attractive” or “unattractive”.

We need to wake up and be aware that our impulse to hide our desires and fantasies is an active form of self-repression and censorship.

We need to be aware that taking active pleasure on bigger bodies, something that society continues to demonize, has the potential to blow-up the ideology behind the cult of the fit body and expose it as the prison that it really is. This is why we must be cruel, unapologetic and merciless against the limiting, constricting and disciplnarian nature of our culture’s obsession with “thin”.

And XJock's Interest In Being Teased And Humilated:

A lot of you might think I look hot fat, but sometimes I can’t help but judge myself by the standards I used to hold a few years back: I would be damn right ashamed of myself if I knew back then that I’d be like this now, but I’d also be pretty fucking amazed that I would have the guts to post this and confess that as a fat ass I get off thinking about how my ex jock self would turn me around and pound me hard while treating me like the pathetic fat pig I’ve become. *Sighhh* …any questions as to why I have this blog?  

Bullying and Insults

3 comments

The following two posts and comments are thematically related and have to be one of my all-time favorites. They are creative and they turn me on big-time in describing how I’m in a downward spiral of decadence.

What do you think about all this religious talk, it got me jackin’, maybe some of you can offer some insight as to why we enjoy this so much.

Post #1

Anonymous said…

According to a Vatican study, the most common sins confessed by men are gluttony, sloth and lust. Exhibit A is the attached video by “xjock”, who is so far down the road to decadence and moral self-destruction, that his life is a constant blur of all three of those sins. Notice the flabby belly, pecs and thighs from years of wanton gluttony, the pathetic and slothful imitation of physical exercise, and the inability to resist masturbation for even a few hours at a time. This is truly a lost soul, crying out for God’s mercy (or perhaps he’s merely crying out for another helping or two at the local buffet.)

bgtyu

(seriously, love your vids!)

June 18, 2009 4:03 AM

Post #2

[18:10] boilerunit: Seriously, dude, in some of your older photos, it just looks like you’ve just lost your six pack, but with a little effort you could get it back. But in that video, its completely obvious that its far too late for you now.
[18:13] boilerunit: Congratulations, you have turned yourself into a disgusting fatbody. That nice set of pecs you were so proud of? Well, I’m sure they’re in there somewhere, buried under those chubby man-tits that are almost big enough to hang over that massive, flabby, revolting pile of fat that keeps getting bigger and that you can’t seem to keep your hands off of. (Trust me, you have chubby man-tits, if you don’t believe me, just watch that video again).
[18:13] boilerunit: You know what your problem is lardass? Greed. Pure and simple; you’re a lazy, greedy, selfish pig who can’t help but eat everything in sight and then, even then, wishes that there was more and wants attention. You probably can’t help it anymore, and so you’re becoming a gluttonous fat man who will stuff himself with every fattening thing he sees until he can’t eat any more. The fact that you smoke just shows how little will power you have in the face of your own cravings.
[18:14] boilerunit: Maybe you could hide your greediness for awhile behind that skinny adonis body, satisfied with the adoration of mainstream society. I’ll bet that was nice. Those days are long gone now that you’re letting yourself completely chub out.

Your inherent selfishness is written all over that soft, jiggling body. You can probably feel the results of your face-stuffing indulgences when your flab quivers pathetically with every step you take, and the thing is, it obviously just makes you want more. And if you keep this up, you’ll get more, and soon the whole world will be able to look at you and see what a greedy tub of lard you really are.